Running off Grief - page 2

by Calabria | 7,824 Views | 27 Comments

Itís with sad irony that I power up the treadmill in the gym exactly 24 hours after I started chest compressions on you. You were my first patient loss. Being new to the NICU (though not new to nursing), I know you wonít be my... Read More

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    I know this exact feeling. There are no words for it, it just burns inside of you and you can't do anything about it. Nicely written.
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    I was on a singles cruise a month ago. We were on a catamaran and chilling. The man that liked me asked, "What do you do"? Me: "I'm a nurse."
    He said, "Tell me about the most powerful memory you have as a nurse." Alright, so, we're on the water getting ready to jump off the boat. Me: "I was a nursing supervisor and went to the ED after a 6-year-old.... (At this point, I had to wave my hand and stop talking)
    Him: So what happened?
    Me: crying. I can't talk about it
    Him: okay. Let's go swimming.
    Me: Okay (I didn't tell this to anyone). Boy brought in via ambulance after he had run across the street and was hit by a car. Everyone tried all they could but the boy died. It was excruciating
    The hardest part is to not cry on the job.
    How did I deal with it at the time? I drove home. Had massive sex with my husband. Cleaned the kitty litter. Walked my dogs in the park. And cherished the fact that I'm alive.
    GrnTea likes this.
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    Although I'm a new (middle-aged) RN, I can certainly empathize. Exercise is a good way to deal with many things, or (at the very least) a way to help take your mind off of things, and as we all know, it's good for us in many different ways.
    I had a bladder tumor at age 40, and although I'd been exercising off and on for years before that, and was in half-decent shape, my inclination was to ride my mountain bike like a banshee every Sat. or Sun. I felt like the more I exercised, the more I'd make my body stronger and beat the ******* cancer.
  5. 0
    Thank you.

    I have ran out of tissue's... Racoon eye's for the evening.

    I am not a nurse yet, but enjoy reading all the stories from this site, as it will help better prepare me as a nurse someday.
    Last edit by violetgirl on Jan 13, '13 : Reason: Can't see through the tears.
  6. 0
    Well-written narrative - I hope writing it was also therapeutic for you. Losing a patient is so, so hard.
  7. 0
    Thank you for sharing your experience.. I hope the heavy load you carry for your patient in your heart lightens -
  8. 0
    Thank you for sharing this story. I am grateful that you have found a way to write despite the grief you felt.
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    I'm humbled by the response that this received. Thank you all so much . I'm still grieving, but it's become much easier to cope since this happened.

    Quote from AnonRNC
    Well-written narrative - I hope writing it was also therapeutic for you. Losing a patient is so, so hard.
    It was... I felt like it was an extension of the exercising, almost a continuation of getting the feelings out of me. What was new to me was sharing it with the world (literally!). I've used journals in the past, but I don't think that I've shared anything so introspective before with such a large group.
    VivaLasViejas and AnonRNC like this.
  10. 0
    Thank you for sharing this. I am sorry you have to go through this. I like you deal with my stress or grief by running.

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