How do I stop getting my feelings hurt?

[SuesquatchRN, BSN, RN]

I am now a unit manager. I came into this position after the guy who had it died. He was friends with and related to half of the facility. This is in a very small town.

Whenever I do anything the LPNs are offended that I think they're stupid. If the DON wants something implemented they take it out on me. I found out there's a weekly meeting of all clinical dep't heads and one of my LPNs has been attending and I never even knew the meeting existed. I do wound care and documentation on Thursdays. This week the worst wound was done and I only found out when I reminded one that I would be doing it. Only then did she tell me it was worse. The next day I told everyone I would be doing the change and, well, it was done. Obviously, this is just a small list of the constant undermining going on.

How do I handle this nonsense? I am being hamstrung and, while I know I shouldn't care, my feelings get hurt.

CCM, help! Everyone else, help!

Thanks.

[shoegalRN, RN]

I know how it feels to be out of the loop.

I think in a situation like this, maybe you need to have a meeting with the LPN's to let them know you all want to be on the same page when it comes to wound care and things of that nature. Let them you you want to be in the know about when there are meetings so you may attend as well.

I think being direct is the best way in this situation. It's like they are trying to exclude you or something.

I hope things get better for you!

[SuesquatchRN, BSN, RN]

Thanks, afrocentricRN. I hope things are going better for you, too.

I am definitely being excluded. No question. I just want to stop reacting to it emotionally, y'know? They know what I've said so a meeting won't help. It's just time, and time will do it. But I want to stop feelng hurt FOR all of that time, y'know?

I guess I need "developing a thick skin" advice.

:)

[morte, LPN, LVN]

Thanks, afrocentricRN. I hope things are going better for you, too.

I am definitely being excluded. No question. I just want to stop reacting to it emotionally, y'know? They know what I've said so a meeting won't help. It's just time, and time will do it. But I want to stop feelng hurt FOR all of that time, y'know?

I guess I need "developing a thick skin" advice.

:)

maybe what you need is a little very well controlled anger. They are being insubordinate. plain and simple. next time redo the dressing, and insist that they assist. and not when they feel like it, but when it fits YOUR schedule.

I am not usually a hard a$$ but this would get my goat.

[caliotter3]

It is not the responsibility of the LPNs to tell you about meetings. It is the responsibility of the supervisor who is calling and heading the meeting. So that is the person who is excluding you and the person that you need to inform that you don't want to be excluded. The LPNs are only taking advantage of the fact that your supervisors are treating you like a stepchild. Until your relationship with your supervisors improves, you will not be able to get very far with the LPNs. I am certain that the LPN that attends the meetings made due note of the fact that you weren't at the meeting and that you didn't even know about it.

[SuesquatchRN, BSN, RN]

caliotter, I don't think its a matter of my being treated like a stepchild, but more a matter of the communication here being really poor, all the way around. I complained to the DON and she just shhok her head and said, "We've always had that meeting." She assumed I knew about it. And that's a big part of the problem - P&P are known because everyone's been here forever, not because they're written down anywhere, that kind of thing.

morte, the next time something like that is done I'll show my anger. Believe it or not I that's difficult for me.

Thanks, everyone.

[GilaRRT]

Wish I had good advice. I am typically pretty direct and blunt when I communicate my intentions to other people. However, I am more of a "tell me what needs done and I will do it" kind of guy as opposed to a leader.

I am not sure of your level of autonomy; however, developing a plan for how you run things then sitting the troops down for a discussion on how things will run and your policies and expectations would be a good idea. Clear, concise, and no BS is the name of the game. Have everybody sign off that they understand and be sure to have upper management back you up with something signed or a nice email that you can print out. After this, you hold everybody, including yourself accountable to the rules and expectations.

I cannot help you on the thick skin. I simply do not have problems with feeling hurt or guilty about anything that goes on at work save for my own mistakes. No need to get mad or hurt, hold your troops accountable and put their feet to the fire (so to speak) when they fail to meet expectations.

[ellakate]

This is a hard one, Sue. First of all, you have no friends now. Anyone who was your peer before is now your subordinate.

Second, your boss is clearly not your friend.

Remember that no one is your friend. It doesn't matter if you get torqued occasionally. They have already offended your sensibilities.

With this in mind, my suggestion is that you practice a response in your head when you get really hot. Find your happy place. My dad's favorite advice was to "Stay Cool." To stay cool, find a programmed response that helps you. I would visualize going fishing, that first cast, when the water is like glass.

I have been in this situation before. You have to be a lot meaner than you are used to being. Remember that everyone has an agenda. They may be interdependent, but since you are new, you don't know.

People might be reacting to the fact that your predecessor died suddenly. That small town thing is unbelievable. Just assume that everything that you say and do will get home before you do! Once Mom said, "Mr. So and So said that I must know that he has skin cancer. But I told him that you don't tell me about your work and that you never have."

You are a convenient target, because you are new and they are under stress. Under stress, they regress to their fight or flight mode, which is not good for teamwork.

The cure is tincture of time, as you have said. During that time, keep up with your work and don't expect much from others in the way of help. That way you will be surprised if you get help. After a couple of months, you will get the schedule and will be off and managing!

[nursej22, MSN, RN]

((((SuesquatchRN)))) You seem like a fantastic nurse and your facility and those LPNs are lucky to have you. Now all you have to do is make sure you and they know it, lol.

Seriously, you are still new to the position and they are testing you and will continue to test you. Are you up for it? I think so and keep telling yourself you are.

Feeling undermined? You are the only one who can change your feelings. You can feel hurt, but trying saying instead, "Gosh I'm so glad I found out about the meeting. There's so much to learn and I appreciate all your help". It may catch them off guard and somebody may get the message that you all are a team, not adversaries.

You might try exploring why this is hurting your feelings. What part is hurtful? Caliotter3 may be right, you may be angry with your supervisors. I hope you have a frank discussion with them about any other meetings or expectations.

Try to focus on your goals and achievements and don't let the bottom feeders drag you down. :kiss

[SuesquatchRN, BSN, RN]

Thanks everyone for your input. "Tincture of Time" is definitely the cure.

My feelings get hurt because I am wildly insecure. Always have been and it wasn't helped by my family. As an example, I came home from school one day after having been beaten up by a bunch of tough girls and my father's response to my tears was, "You must have done something to provoke them." That's the background. So I'm always wondering what I did wrong all the time every minute.

Thanks again, everyone. :)

[helikias]

Hi Suesquatch RN,

You are one of my favorite posters on here. I am sorry to hear about what you are going through.

I am surprised this type of behavior is allowed in your workplace. Where I work, non-management are not really allowed to complain to each other about such things; we have to take it up with HR and/or management. This type of behavior would get non-management people fired where I work. Your workplace should be quashing this type of behavior and supporting you.

I've been in your shoes; I used to be really insecure and I thought I could never get over it. After a while I just got so much *** flung in my face for so long, that one day, I was just done -- didn't care what others thought; nothing bothered me any more. It was like a switch turning off.

I think that will happen to you eventually. You'll get tired of the crap sandwiches, and soon you will not even taste them. (sorry to be crude!).

You were promoted for a reason -- you deserve your position. Best of luck to you -- I know you have the cojones to shine through!

[Katie5]

You're a UNIT MANAGER, so you're in an administrative position. The LPNs can be upset all they want but you needn't take it out on them.

The fault comes from your administration. If they wanted you to know of the meeting, then they and not the LPNs should have informed you. The administration sets the tone in how you would be respected.

take it up with your boss and not the LPNs. Why give them power over you?