When A Nurse Can't Offer a Hug...

Nurses General Nursing

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Specializes in Derm/Wound Care/OP Surgery/LTC.

Once upon a time, I ran into a nurse who was with a woman who was crying because she recently lost a child. The woman was obviously in some desperate need of compassion and care. I said to this nurse, outside of a room and away from the patient, that she could probably use a hug.

The nurse shocked me by saying she would not hug this person, because she has no idea what she is feeling. She told me that she "couldn't relate" to this woman's pain and therefore, didn't feel like her compassion or hug would make a difference. As soon as this nurse left the area (and once I was able to lift my jaw from the floor), I went into the room, held this woman's hand, listened to her talk about her beloved son and then, ended our conversation with a warm hug.

I lost a child 14 years ago. A son. Perhaps that made me feel better connected to this person and perhaps, more empathetic than my co-worker.

This same nurse refused to hug or nurture a woman who had a termination of pregnancy performed. Again, this nurse stated that not only could she not relate...but she was pro-life and would feel like a hypocrit if she told her that everything would be "okay". I was a little taken aback quite honestly. It negated everything I had ever learned in nursing school.

I suppose my question is...are you able to offer a hug, a hand to hold, a warm and kind word to a patient, even if you are unable to relate to their situation? Or, if you are disagree with their life choice, could you still show compassion?

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Well, that's one cold rhymes with witch.

Heck, I hug 'em all. Even the funky ones.

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Specializes in Pediatric Pulmonology and Allergy.

I could definitely listen and be empathetic but I'm not a touchy-feely person and find it hard to hug (or accept hugs) from anyone outside my immediate family. It has nothing to do with whether I can feel their pain or not.

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Specializes in ortho, hospice volunteer, psych,.

i came from a family of huggers and i am a hugger too. i've hugged many patients and agency clients and they've hugged me back and appreciated my hug.

kathy

sharpeimom:paw::paw:

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I read somewhere that it takes 7 hugs a day to remain emotionally healthy.

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Specializes in Addictions, Acute Psychiatry.

Great post!

"Do you need a hug?" goes a long way!

You don't want to be the nurse who needs the hug (that's what coworkers and spouses are for) but we need to be the givers (my opinion). I've seen family consoling upset nurses during a death; it's awkward.

WHen a family member dies and someone's handling it badly, I just throw it out there. The wording I choose is intentional; "Can I give you a hug" puts the focus on me but "Do you/would you like a hug?" I feel is the best way I learned to offer and not be a focus. After that, I share my experiences with loss but allow them to be the talkers, if they need to. Sometimes it's just a no word hug. Yeah, I'm a guy and I shed tears, too. i'm human and I hate death as much as the next person.

I can't say anything to those who are not able to offer hugs but someone IMHO should be there to offer if it's not you. We're all different. For example, a member of my family said he'd rather die than cry...giving a hug is a tear jerking moment and for this individual, they've always avoided hugs for fear of becoming emotional. We all have different backgrounds so we need to use our antennae!

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i'm not always an enthusiastic hugger, but when i do, i give good hug.:D

seriously, i am not a hugger but am demonstrative, if you can understand that.

i've been told i talk with my hands, and do know i am touchy...

but not a hugger.:cool:

if i'm going to hug someone, it'll be because i want to.

there's nothing worse than receiving an 'empty' hug.:twocents:

bottom line is my pts/families are very comfortable w/my care, whether i hug them or not.

leslie

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Specializes in Derm/Wound Care/OP Surgery/LTC.

I guess it's a little selfish on my part as well. I love getting and giving hugs...and like Sue said, even from the funky ones! I just can't fathom simply standing there staring at someone who is sobbing or in pain. I am not one of those "there, there" followed by a perfunctory pat on the back.

This particular nurse just kind of floored me. The patient was sobbing...I mean, heavy, heaving sobs and she left her alone. I couldn't do that...

it's just not in me.

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...seems like a hug is just an exstension of a touch. I find that, the older I get, the more important hugs are

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Specializes in Emergency & Trauma/Adult ICU.

This nurse is either not capable of providing emotional support, or is confusing the support provided by a hug with some kind of mutual understanding.

While not everyone who is crying wants to be hugged, there are many ways to be there emotionally for the patient, some including touching, some without touching.

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compassion is one of the core qualities that makes me a nurse. it's troubling to me that the nurse couldn't offer her grieving patient a modicum of comfort. still, i wonder what was going on with her that caused her to think she had nothing of value to give...

often we just don't have enough time to spend with our patients, which is the nature of our profession these days. i'm grateful when i have the chance to really be with & listen to my patients, even the funky ones, like sue said (sometimes especially the funky ones, since i figure they must get avoided).

i'm a firm believer in therapeutic touch, and look for opportunities to touch my patients (if only to counteract the times when i have to cause them discomfort). i will touch or pat a shoulder, an arm, or hold a hand, and will absolutely give hugs if it the patient seems receptive (sometimes this is not the case). & if she or he is crying, fuhgeddaboutit! i couldn't just walk away. i gotta get 'em a tissue & see what's up & if i can help, even for 2 minutes.

i find that when i offer compassion, even saying, "this seems like it's been really hard for you," the patient often will just break down. i think it's because no one has stopped to ask them how they feel, how they're doing, and really listen to and connect with them. a lot of us are so stressed out & just focused on surviving, we're on autopilot..."it's the way of the world"...sigh. i think we're in a touch deficit.

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Specializes in Intrested in hospice & psych.

I think using one's antenna is very important. One cannot force hugs upon someone just b/c they feel that it is a situation where a hug is needed. When my little sister died two yrs ago everyone tried to hug my mom and she is so anti hug it is not even funny. We (family) had to protect her from well intentioned people who could not keep themselves from hugging her :eek: She was not only devastated from losing a child but on top of it she had to go through the horror of having people touch her and worse hug her. Not all people hate strangers touching them but some do. I guess my mom passed this trait on to me b/c if I even think someone is about to touch me I tense up or move. The only person I can have touch me is my Mister or my sister (well was my sister). I am not heartless by any means and if I think someone is in dire need of human contact I will definitely offer a shoulder to cry. For some reason it does not bother me to give touch if it is really needed but it just makes my skin crawl to have people touch me...but I agree w/CASTLEGATES, there are ways to gauge without just hugging everyone. Please make sure it is a hug safe zone :icon_hug:

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