Things You'd Like To Tell Visitors . . . . and get away with it

Um, no. We aren't allowed to kill people. Make them more comfy and their respirations slowed/stopped? Yes. Intentionally doing that? No.

I saw the pain in your eyes when your wife looked at you, then looked at me and asked me who you were. I saw the tears in your eyes when she then started calling out for your dead son. When your heart broke, so did mine. I'm so sorry.

LOL!!! I don't know why but this irritates me to no end! When some random visitor comes up and starts asking about their mom I usually say "And she is??" and then they give me a sheepish look and say "Oh, Ms. So-and-So". It also happens that their mother is never one of my patients. I just tell them that patient info is on a need to know basis, and since I am not caring for Ms. So-and-so I know nothing about her.

Ha you can tell them that you are experiencing one everytime they ask!

If you think I am starving and/or killing your loved one with morphine and you just know that they would be better off at home, then by all means, take them. I will call the ambulance to transport and DME to have the bed delivered, yes, I can do that tonight.

Yes, I am asking you to keep your leg straight because I like to torture people. It has nothing to do with that sheath in the second largest artery in your body.

Your advice is not only unhelpful, it is WRONG. No, your precious 15 year old angel who's pregnant should not start pushing as hard as she can when her cervix is only dialated to 3cm. Yes, I really do know what I am talking about.

Stop giving such bad advice, or go home. Or even better, do both.

Use the freaK**g call bell! Do not stand in the doorway and tell me to "get him a gown". I've got a box of morphine in my hand and my patient needs pain control more than your brother needs a clean gown. Hell, pick one up off the linen cart and do it yourself. Your brother is flat out lazy. He's been cleared by PT to walk unlimited distances, can have a full diet and can walk to the nursing station for ice and juice but why should he when he gets you to do it all for him?

Oh, and by the way, he's going home tomorrow, hope you enjoy being his slave because you sure as sh*t are not promoting his independence.

Your husband is an @$$####.

To the family member who was a drug rep ... who interrupted his holding up the doorway of his mother's room to physically put his hands on the EKG machine I was pushing down the hallway to ask, "who makes that?" (the machine):

I don't give a rat's ass about your curiousity about the market share of various equipment vendors right now. Stopping me in the hallway like this is about as physically aggressive as you can be without actually touching me, so get your hands off this machine IMMEDIATELY. I'm about to do a 12-lead on a pt. who is suddenly having active chest pain & looks like crap. You have 2 seconds to let go before I run you over.


(what I actually did, to save time, was to give him my Death Stare while pulling the machine out of his grip and making the left wheels do a wheelie to get around him without running over his foot)