My husband wakes me up!

Nurses General Nursing

Published

Ok so I have been married a little over a year now and I work nights 7 p-7am. My husband is absolutely awesome with helping with the house, my kids, and well EVERYTHING. My friends are envious the man is amazing I'm lucky no doubt. There's one major issue that keeps causing fights between us though. I work nights and my husband is self employed so he's home most of the time. While this is a benefit to us in many areas it is killing my sleep. He wakes me up all the time. I can't get him to understand even if it was just for a minute or five that it's a big deal. Today he woke me up to help him find something. He had no where to go. There was no urgent need. He just wanted my help. I was really ugly to him to the point I left for work not speaking to him. Has anyone else had this issue? Any advice?

Specializes in ICU; Telephone Triage Nurse.

Yes. When I was a new grad in 1994 I too worked 12 hr night shifts: 7p-7a. Although my husband was protective of his own sleep quality to the point of fierceness, he had no problem whatsoever waking me during mine. Not one of those times were emergent in nature.

He had a bad habit of waking me after the mail came asking for my signature - because I was mostly still obtunded I'd sign then roll back over comatose deciding returning to sleep was better use of my limited sleep time than ripping him a new one.

I spoke to him about not doing so, but it continued. Soon I discovered I had more than a dozen credit cards in my name - not long after the debt they reflected was really starting to accumulate.

You see, in Tucson in 1994 the highest play for a baccalaureate RN was $12.75/hr - far below what most new grads now enjoy. He quit his low paying cook job to stay home with our newborn because my mom died and we had no one to trust. Apparently our income was not enough for his tastes at the time. He obviously expected better of a RN salary (and frankly, so did I). But it took years to pay off the big screen TV and other luxury items he couldn't live without at the time.

Bottom line: nip this in the bud before it causes a riff in your relationship. Explain you WILL NOT continue to get out of bed to look for his comb, car keys, or that novel he is reading. Tell him just because your sleep hours are during his waking hours it is still nonetheless YOUR sleep time, and it is critical you get all 40 winks. Tell him unrested you could possibly have a car accident, or kill a patient by making an error. Make sure he gets it.

If he continues to wake you then start calling HIM from work at 0300 just to tell him how much you love him, ask how the kids are and to get out of bed to check on them and tell you how they seem, or to ask about something else of none critical nature.

If he still doesn't get it, buy a super soaker 2000 and fill it with vinegar - spray him when he wakes you. Or, you could just have a dead bolt fitted to the inside of bedroom door. Wear high decibel ear plugs and buy a sound machine with white noise - let him bang away to his heart's content while you get your much needed sleep my friend.

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Specializes in Med-Surg/Neuro/Oncology floor nursing..
Someone I know made liberal use of hotel rooms because of the distance to her job. Start going to a hotel for rest and I'll bet he gets the message.

THIS..my friend works 7p-7am and he really had issues during the summer when his children were home from school. He had a short fuse and would snap not only at his wife and children but as his co-workers, friends and patients as well. He wound up staying a hotel. His wife was not happy with the situation and they wound up buying a bed and put it downstairs in his basement so he could lock himself down there to sleep.

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LOLOLOLOL perfect - he will never wake you up again. Thank God it's not summer season I freakin hate leaf blowers.

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I work nights and my husband is self employed so he's home most of the time. While this is a benefit to us in many areas it is killing my sleep. He wakes me up all the time. I can't get him to understand even if it was just for a minute or five that it's a big deal. Today he woke me up to help him find something. He had no where to go. There was no urgent need. He just wanted my help. I was really ugly to him to the point I left for work not speaking to him. Has anyone else had this issue? Any advice?

I don't know if there are any preschoolers around during the day, and I don't know what kind of work he does. However, I am wondering if it's possible to request that he go out somewhere for a few hours during the day. For example, could he take his laptop to the local library, or go out for a cup of coffee and do some paperwork)?

Maybe some adult human interaction during his "work hours" would do him some good.

When he wants help looking for things, are they work related or household related? Could he hire a part-time assistant to help him out and/or get him organized?

Does he have a separate work area, or is he working from the kitchen table?

Perhaps his work/home boundary is so blurred, he can't even begin to understand the boundaries of others. Maybe there's just too much going on at home.

I am not defending him. He is being extremely inconsiderate. However, we do not have the full story here. Perhaps BabyRN and husband need counseling to sort out all of the issues.

I worked nights for 3 years. I'm not a violent person, but after the third time, I would have kept a frying pan under my pillow.

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People who don't work nights are apparently often completely clueless or just incapable of empathy with regard to this specific issue.

Yeah, they probably think that most night workers are paid to sleep, waking up only for emergencies. You must have gotten at least 8 hours of sleep...you had 12 hours to do so.

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Specializes in NICU, Psych.

People who don't work nights will never truly understand. My wife and I have worked night shift on and off for 7 years and it never fails that our families schedule something at 2 pm and are devastated when we won't come or call us at 4 not understanding why we're still groggy. If your husband is a critical thinker, just remind him how he feels at 3 am when he has to work the next day and let him know that's how 3 pm is for you.

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This may not be the most mature solution, but I've moved heavy furniture in front of the bedroom door when all else failed to keep hubby OUT!

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People who don't work nights will never truly understand. My wife and I have worked night shift on and off for 7 years and it never fails that our families schedule something at 2 pm and are devastated when we won't come or call us at 4 not understanding why we're still groggy. If your husband is a critical thinker, just remind him how he feels at 3 am when he has to work the next day and let him know that's how 3 pm is for you.

I am pretty sure that if he was a critical thinker, she would be getting decent sleep between shifts.

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Specializes in IMC, school nursing.

After 30 years of night shift, I can tell you that no one, other than other night shift workers, get it. I have had people ask if I nap during the day, I reiterate strongly that I do not "nap" during the day, I sleep, and ask them if they "nap" at night. My wife works nights and we are both fiercely protective of each other's sleep. My first wife would wake me up after 4 hours to go out to eat, etc. because she was bored, she never got it. I hate to say it, but being blunt and telling him lack of sleep could make him a widower by you having an accident on the way home or the sole provider for your family after you are fired for sleeping, may be the only way to get through. Next step would be to call him at 0200 with a question you had about your schedule, etc. for him to get a taste of what you go through.

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Not the basement! He'll clomp around in heavy boots or clogs all day! Or he'll throw balls for the dog to chase.

Exactly! I was thinking more along the lines of an attic. That way you don't hear footsteps above you the whole time you're trying to sleep

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I don't know how to help you there unless you seriously sit him down and talk with him about how important you need your sleep. I used to work 6pm-630 am not getting home until 7 then finally falling asleep around 8. My husband used to ALWAYS wake me up around 1130-12 thinking that missing lunch was such a big deal. Then I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep until 2-3 but I'd have to wake up around 4 to leave to get ready for work. (Traffic is bad in the Bay Area). It wasn't until he got a job working night shift where he started to understand how sleep deprived I was! He wouldn't even work a 12 hr shift and I would let that man sleep for 8 hrs not bother him at all for anything and once he wakes up he's the grinch. But that's when he realized and said "I don't know how you did this, maybe I should've let you sleep longer" lol ya think?!

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Specializes in Flight, ER, Transport, ICU/Critical Care.

Nope.

A fully formed adult man can leave a night shift working wife alone for 8 hours 3x a week to sleep UNLESS -

House is on FIRE

Someone is NOT BREATHING that lives in the home

Blood is SPURTING OUT of someone living in the home

Someone is firing a WEAPON in close PROXIMITY and SAFETY demands defense/retreat.

A weather or civil EMERGENCY requiring EVACUATION

A critical FAMILY ILLNESS (dinner plans, routine calls from mom, blah, blah DO NOT COUNT and can wait).

An ALIEN ship crashes near your home (ok, 100 mile radius).

Enough. Cause damn. Sleep matters. It's not like you are responsible for others lives or anything.

I would tell my self-employed stay at the house, interrupt my sleep, risk my license and health hubby that I'm quitting my job. Yep. That. It's risking our home, my health and I am unwell.

Do you provide the family health insurance? Good news! It's open enrollment under the ACA.

If your family needs your income for your standard of living, I'd call a Realtor and let hubby know how much happier you will be when you can sleep at night and you look forward to moving and downsizing.

Supportive in some ways, but sabotages you in your sleep (key need to function) is not supportive. It's not an emergency, it's a pattern.

:angel:

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