Marriage to a Nurse-- Need HELP - page 6

Hi everyone. I am nto a nurse, however I am in a serious relationship with a Student Nurse. We have been talking marriage for some time now but she needs to graduate school. She will be done with... Read More

  1. by   bukko
    Quote from NeedAdvice1234
    I am so glad that so many people found this posting amusing. I in fact did not. Considering I am a jelaous man and as a child my mother left my father for a doctor and wound up with a drug addiction. SHE WASN"t a Nurse. I think this wound up being the wrong forum to seek advice from. Some were of great help and I did sit down with my fiancee and talked this over. Now after such postings like this... i realize that noone here really cares about giving gret advice. They try to analyze me thinking I am controlling or needy. Well if I want to have a life with my wife and enjoy her and be able to talk about our days over a family dinner is considered needy or controlling then I am.
    I came to this forum to find out how peoples lives really are, how they deal with missing out on birthday parties for kids or missing them opening presents on christmas. Or even cancleing plans to go to visit relatives on holiday because of being called last minute to work. But what I got was some nasty remarks from people trying to analyze me. Some of you were great and very helpful in alot of my decisons. But its postings like this that bring back the pain from my childhood that make me now consider if I want to take a chance and go through it again.
    You've probably heard the saying "Nurses eat their young." Before they do that, sometimes they have their youngs' fiancees as an appetizer...
  2. by   mstewart
    Okay, can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen. Sometimes things don't end up the way you ecpec them to. Sometimes people don't give you the answer you are looking for. That doesn't give you the right to get mad at them. Boy, you have a lot to learn about life-have fun. Glad she chooses you, because I sure wouldn't. Once again, as a couple you are going to have a lot more serious things to worry about than her work schedule.

    Sorry about your childhood. Maybe there are some issues from that period of your life that still want to be worked out.

    Okay, when you are having a heart attack at 42 and your wife is looking at you helpless because she doesn't know what to do, just remember that you said you wouldn't want anyone here to treat you, and your faithful wife dropped out of nursing school so you could spend more time together.

    Ohhhhh, I'm feeling SASSY today!
  3. by   mitchsmom
    I hop to god I die before I ever need a nurse if this is how nurses treat people who turn to them for help!
    Would lying to you have made you feel better? Sometimes caring and treating people the right way means telling the truth.

    And I was one of the people that thought the post by Dinith88 was funny... because there is truth in it and well, maybe that was the most straight forward and best post for you, that the rest of us should have written in the first place.
  4. by   NeedAdvice1234
    Quote from mitchsmom
    Would lying to you have made you feel better? Sometimes caring and treating people the right way means telling the truth.

    And I was one of the people that thought the post by Dinith88 was funny... because there is truth in it and well, maybe that was the most straight forward and best post for you, that the rest of us should have written in the first place.
    Oh no your right that was the best thing to say. My wife will get addicted to drugs and booze and every doctor is going to want to hump her....oh yeah an lets not forget the idea of getting her number while we are at it.

    Someone posted the truth hurts get out of the kitchen... and don't be mad that we are telling it like it is.. Only a handfull of people on here help me realize what needed to be done. I came here looking for advice and guidence..

    And as far as the heat comments and being upset when getting slammed? Let me ask you when you tell a person that they are going to die from cancer when they look toward you to make them feel better... Do you just say...........
    "Hey your going to die from cancer and your family is going to be left alone and you will not be their to see your kids graduate from college and you will never know your grandchildren LOL ohhhh does that bother you...well we tell it like it is... and if you don't like it get out of the kitchen."

    I don't think so... Maybe I do have some issues that follow me around and the best way I take care of them is by anylizing and researching them...NOONE here realizes I was trying to understand my girl better so I can support her on all her decsions...NOPE...I got nasty comments on how i was controlling and needed to seek professional marriage advice.

    Don't get me wrong... there are a few on here that did have the decency to actually see where I was comming from..who agreed that I should research my concerns... However, the ones who didn't understand didn't ask for clarification they ripped me apart... NOT COOL!!!

    Considering everyone thinks that the posting was sooo true and I shouldn't get mad at it I guess now I get to worry about all the doctors hitting on my future wife.. PERFECT! I have to worry about her using drugs PERFECT!!
  5. by   AnnaN5
    Quote from NeedAdvice1234
    Oh no your right that was the best thing to say. My wife will get addicted to drugs and booze and every doctor is going to want to hump her....oh yeah an lets not forget the idea of getting her number while we are at it.

    Someone posted the truth hurts get out of the kitchen... and don't be mad that we are telling it like it is.. Only a handfull of people on here help me realize what needed to be done. I came here looking for advice and guidence..

    And as far as the heat comments and being upset when getting slammed? Let me ask you when you tell a person that they are going to die from cancer when they look toward you to make them feel better... Do you just say...........
    "Hey your going to die from cancer and your family is going to be left alone and you will not be their to see your kids graduate from college and you will never know your grandchildren LOL ohhhh does that bother you...well we tell it like it is... and if you don't like it get out of the kitchen."

    I don't think so... Maybe I do have some issues that follow me around and the best way I take care of them is by anylizing and researching them...NOONE here realizes I was trying to understand my girl better so I can support her on all her decsions...NOPE...I got nasty comments on how i was controlling and needed to seek professional marriage advice.

    Don't get me wrong... there are a few on here that did have the decency to actually see where I was comming from..who agreed that I should research my concerns... However, the ones who didn't understand didn't ask for clarification they ripped me apart... NOT COOL!!!

    Considering everyone thinks that the posting was sooo true and I shouldn't get mad at it I guess now I get to worry about all the doctors hitting on my future wife.. PERFECT! I have to worry about her using drugs PERFECT!!

    I really don't understand why you are getting so pissed when you came on here for advice and wanted other people's opinions and that is exactly what you got. In your original post you did sound needy and possessive so that threw up red flags for a lot of people on this board. And I am pretty sure everyone on this board who told you to seek marriage counseling wasn't being rude - they were trying to give you an arena to let your gf know your concerns. In case you don't know, anyone who gets married in a Catholic church is required to do marriage counseling, its not just for people who have 'issues' or whatever. You seem to have some issues from your past that you need to deal with before you can even commit to marrying someone.
  6. by   cinrn68
    I can't agree more with everyone's posting. If you were looking for sugar-coated answers to your questions, you definitely came to the wrong place. If you want a reality check, then keep on reading everyone's postings. As you've probably already realized, nurses are a passionate bunch and we will give you our honest opinions about everything. Life is a risk. If you want to know "what is going to happen", then go to a psychic (haha). As far as I know, nurses don't have crystal balls and no two nursing (or life) experiences are the same. That is why we are called "individuals". Who knows what life has to offer for any of us. We have to take each day as it comes, and if you're so worried about what the future holds for you and your girlfriend, then it's going to eat you up from the inside out and you'll end up self-destructing and destroying your relationship with her in the long run. I'm sure you'll end up blaming her nursing career, so what difference does it make what anyone on this message board can tell you about your questions?

    As far as tv shows like ER and Trauma, IT'S HOLLYWOOD! If they really showed what goes on in a typical day in the ER, everyone could use the footage for a sleeping pill (for the most part). In every unit there are busy times, but there's a lot of down time as well. Some days you run off your feet, other days it's not so bad. As far as contracting diseases, there are universal precautions to take for nurses (and all medical personnel) to protect ourselves! And as far as the schedule goes, it is so varied and flexible that anyone can find what they are looking for in nursing, and your girlfriend will be relieved to be finally doing only one job (instead of working, studying and trying to find time to spend with you!) You didn't mention if you're already living together, but that in itself is a huge adjustment and you'll see that marriage is a challenge in the 1st year. As someone else mentioned, if you have that many concerns about the time factor in your relationship, maybe you should postpone your wedding until your girlfriend has graduated and has been working for awhile. You don't say when the wedding is planned for, but you're still young, so I'm sure a few years is worth a lifetime of happiness at this point.
  7. by   NeedAdvice1234
    Quote from AnnaN5
    I really don't understand why you are getting so pissed when you came on here for advice and wanted other people's opinions and that is exactly what you got. In your original post you did sound needy and possessive so that threw up red flags for a lot of people on this board. And I am pretty sure everyone on this board who told you to seek marriage counseling wasn't being rude - they were trying to give you an arena to let your gf know your concerns. In case you don't know, anyone who gets married in a Catholic church is required to do marriage counseling, its not just for people who have 'issues' or whatever. You seem to have some issues from your past that you need to deal with before you can even commit to marrying someone.
    I know all about Precana... However, the responses I got back was that i am being needy...fine I let them go... then i got controlleing and I wouldn't marry you... that pissed me off a little because I haven't said or done anything wrong. But the entire comment of telling me how bad **** was going to get...broke the back of the camel so to speak... As far as my original post tell me what part of this sounds controlleing or needy????

    ---Anyway, I have a lot of concerns and she tries to reassure me that my concerns are not warrented nor will they be as bad as I think. However, I am skeptical because she has not been in the profession yet.

    So long story short. I am concerned about what life will be like married to a Nurse. She has her heart set on ER nurseing and possibly Main OR. Considering I am in buisness and not medical profession. Everything I know is based on drama shows like ER and Trama etc. So I started thinking and I came up with the follwoing red flags that really concern me.

    Overall I know it sounds like its all about me. But honestly it isnt. I want to make sure I know what I am getting into and the pitfalls I might face before I continue with the Marriage talk. Are my concerns warrented or am I just being smothering?

    Any real life experinces and advice would be helpful. Someone out there must be married and a nurse. Who can offers some real life insight and not drama show life. I am looking for anyone who can really tell me how it is and perhaps made a marriage work by having night shift work.
  8. by   AnnaN5
    Quote from NeedAdvice1234
    I know all about Precana... However, the responses I got back was that i am being needy...fine I let them go... then i got controlleing and I wouldn't marry you... that pissed me off a little because I haven't said or done anything wrong. But the entire comment of telling me how bad **** was going to get...broke the back of the camel so to speak... As far as my original post tell me what part of this sounds controlleing or needy????

    ---Anyway, I have a lot of concerns and she tries to reassure me that my concerns are not warrented nor will they be as bad as I think. However, I am skeptical because she has not been in the profession yet.

    So long story short. I am concerned about what life will be like married to a Nurse. She has her heart set on ER nurseing and possibly Main OR. Considering I am in buisness and not medical profession. Everything I know is based on drama shows like ER and Trama etc. So I started thinking and I came up with the follwoing red flags that really concern me.

    Overall I know it sounds like its all about me. But honestly it isnt. I want to make sure I know what I am getting into and the pitfalls I might face before I continue with the Marriage talk. Are my concerns warrented or am I just being smothering?

    Any real life experinces and advice would be helpful. Someone out there must be married and a nurse. Who can offers some real life insight and not drama show life. I am looking for anyone who can really tell me how it is and perhaps made a marriage work by having night shift work.
    The thing that you seem to be stuck on is the fact that you will never see her and she won't be home when you get home from work and you can't have the 'normal' family life. There are many options for nursing hours, even if she gets stuck on a 7pm-7am shift, it is pretty much the norm you only work 3 days so the other 4 days of the week she would be home. I said in one of my first replies some examples about some of my family members who are nurses and are married with children. They lead pretty normal lives, sometimes we have to have family functions earlier or later in the day to accomodate them but they certainly dont miss out on birthdays, holidays, etc. If she has her heart set on the ER she may have to work some crappy hours in the beginning, but with experience comes better hours and she may change her mind to another area. My aunt who works in OR and pretty much sets her own schedule and works just 2-3 days a week. So I guess I am just trying to say that yeah the first couple years of starting a nursing career may not be the greatest hours and some sacrifices may need to be made but you learn how to make everything work and you are able to have a pretty normal life.
  9. by   NeedAdvice1234
    Quote from cinrn68
    I can't agree more with everyone's posting. If you were looking for sugar-coated answers to your questions, you definitely came to the wrong place. If you want a reality check, then keep on reading everyone's postings. As you've probably already realized, nurses are a passionate bunch and we will give you our honest opinions about everything. Life is a risk. If you want to know "what is going to happen", then go to a psychic (haha). As far as I know, nurses don't have crystal balls and no two nursing (or life) experiences are the same. That is why we are called "individuals". Who knows what life has to offer for any of us. We have to take each day as it comes, and if you're so worried about what the future holds for you and your girlfriend, then it's going to eat you up from the inside out and you'll end up self-destructing and destroying your relationship with her in the long run. I'm sure you'll end up blaming her nursing career, so what difference does it make what anyone on this message board can tell you about your questions?

    As far as tv shows like ER and Trauma, IT'S HOLLYWOOD! If they really showed what goes on in a typical day in the ER, everyone could use the footage for a sleeping pill (for the most part). In every unit there are busy times, but there's a lot of down time as well. Some days you run off your feet, other days it's not so bad. As far as contracting diseases, there are universal precautions to take for nurses (and all medical personnel) to protect ourselves! And as far as the schedule goes, it is so varied and flexible that anyone can find what they are looking for in nursing, and your girlfriend will be relieved to be finally doing only one job (instead of working, studying and trying to find time to spend with you!) You didn't mention if you're already living together, but that in itself is a huge adjustment and you'll see that marriage is a challenge in the 1st year. As someone else mentioned, if you have that many concerns about the time factor in your relationship, maybe you should postpone your wedding until your girlfriend has graduated and has been working for awhile. You don't say when the wedding is planned for, but you're still young, so I'm sure a few years is worth a lifetime of happiness at this point.
    NOW THIS IS A POSTING.... LETS TEACH EVERYONE HERE HOW TO WRITE A POSITIVE POST.... I appreciate this... I really do... I want to cut and paste the good points u made but the entire post makes sense... Your right I am young enough that its going to be 3 years or so before we get married.

    See my entrie orignal post was about the relationship.... I didn't want to lead her on telling her Life is grand and i have no concerns.. I don't like lieing to her.. I never did..never will.... The worst thing is... I don't want to make rash decisions on someone I care about soo deeply... This posting makes more sense then the rest...everything excpet the part of agreeing with everyone's posting.... Thank you for breaking down the typical life of being a nurse in the er cinrn68. By stating their are busy and slow days... I do understand what you mean by being an individual... but their has to be similarites.. Like hours ever got in the way...or hours were perfect because... Alot of people talked about standard precautions when you got someone comming in with have the body torn off.. Are there certain procedures that require eye protection or sheilds when in a certain area... This will give me an insight of what happens around the ER... rather then trying to watch it on Hollywood.

    One more question......do doctors really try and hump all the nurses?
  10. by   cinrn68
    "Anyway, I have a lot of concerns and she tries to reassure me that my concerns are not warrented nor will they be as bad as I think. However, I am skeptical because she has not been in the profession yet.

    So long story short. I am concerned about what life will be like married to a Nurse. She has her heart set on ER nurseing and possibly Main OR. Considering I am in buisness and not medical profession. Everything I know is based on drama shows like ER and Trama etc. So I started thinking and I came up with the follwoing red flags that really concern me.

    Overall I know it sounds like its all about me. But honestly it isnt. I want to make sure I know what I am getting into and the pitfalls I might face before I continue with the Marriage talk. Are my concerns warrented or am I just being smothering?

    Any real life experinces and advice would be helpful. Someone out there must be married and a nurse. Who can offers some real life insight and not drama show life. I am looking for anyone who can really tell me how it is and perhaps
    made a marriage work by having night shift work. "



    Why do you doubt what she tells you? If she is doing clinical rotations in the hospital, then she has probably spoken to many nurses who can tell her what the reality of being with a nurse is like! Maybe you should go meet her after one of her rotations and meet other nurses face to face and find out firsthand (since you don't seem to appreciate much of what you've been reading here) what our reality is! If your concern is her schedule, then you should be happy that she wants to be an OR nurse! (Monday to Friday, mostly day shift (some evening, but they generally don't do surgery in the middle of the night!) I'm sure every nurse on this message board who works night shift and has a relationship can tell you that it's manageable. I, myself, work 12-hour day AND night shift, and my husband (who works from home) is fine with it and we're very happily married!

    After reading 8 pages of postings on these concerns of yours, your only concern seems to be that some honest postings have been meant to hurt you or whatever. We don't know you, buddy. And ya, your girlfriend COULD cheat on you, but if she wants to, she'll do it no matter what profession she's in. Would you rather she's in business, surrounded by smart men in business suits who aren't wearing scrubs, have actually slept the night before and taken a shower in the morning and can spend hours draped over her shoulder "reading" something that they're working on together, going out for extended business lunches that involves a few bottles of wine? Because if you're worried about her getting involved with doctors, it will have to be on her part seeking it out. There's not much time for lengthy discussions in closed quarters in the hospital... think about it!
  11. by   NeedAdvice1234
    Quote from AnnaN5
    The thing that you seem to be stuck on is the fact that you will never see her and she won't be home when you get home from work and you can't have the 'normal' family life. There are many options for nursing hours, even if she gets stuck on a 7pm-7am shift, it is pretty much the norm you only work 3 days so the other 4 days of the week she would be home. I said in one of my first replies some examples about some of my family members who are nurses and are married with children. They lead pretty normal lives, sometimes we have to have family functions earlier or later in the day to accomodate them but they certainly dont miss out on birthdays, holidays, etc. If she has her heart set on the ER she may have to work some crappy hours in the beginning, but with experience comes better hours and she may change her mind to another area. My aunt who works in OR and pretty much sets her own schedule and works just 2-3 days a week. So I guess I am just trying to say that yeah the first couple years of starting a nursing career may not be the greatest hours and some sacrifices may need to be made but you learn how to make everything work and you are able to have a pretty normal life.
    Yet another great reply your absoluty right with ...
    ""you seem to be stuck on is the fact that you will never see her and she won't be home when you get home from work..""
    that and the potential of loosing her early to a harmful disease she might get because of a mishap in the ER..Look at how many Drs. died from Sars..yes it was a new disease and yes a diffrent country but it doesn't mean it could be the same here.
    Now if she gains like 5 years experince in ER.. would she still have better hours if she moved to say Peds or Oncology? Or would it be like starting new again?
  12. by   AnnaN5
    Quote from NeedAdvice1234
    One more question......do doctors really try and hump all the nurses?
    The relationship between doctors and nurses isn't any different than working relationships in other careers. Of course some doctors and nurses may have personal relationships but that is because they are interested in eachother not because doctors go around saying 'hey there is a nurse, lets get with her/him' or nurses saying 'hey there a doctor, lets get with him/her'. Most people don't look for spouses/dates at their jobs just for the the fact that you don't want to spend 24/7 with someone at home, at work, etc.
  13. by   NeedAdvice1234
    Quote from cinrn68
    "Anyway, I have a lot of concerns and she tries to reassure me that my concerns are not warrented nor will they be as bad as I think. However, I am skeptical because she has not been in the profession yet.

    So long story short. I am concerned about what life will be like married to a Nurse. She has her heart set on ER nurseing and possibly Main OR. Considering I am in buisness and not medical profession. Everything I know is based on drama shows like ER and Trama etc. So I started thinking and I came up with the follwoing red flags that really concern me.

    Overall I know it sounds like its all about me. But honestly it isnt. I want to make sure I know what I am getting into and the pitfalls I might face before I continue with the Marriage talk. Are my concerns warrented or am I just being smothering?

    Any real life experinces and advice would be helpful. Someone out there must be married and a nurse. Who can offers some real life insight and not drama show life. I am looking for anyone who can really tell me how it is and perhaps
    made a marriage work by having night shift work. "



    Why do you doubt what she tells you? If she is doing clinical rotations in the hospital, then she has probably spoken to many nurses who can tell her what the reality of being with a nurse is like! Maybe you should go meet her after one of her rotations and meet other nurses face to face and find out firsthand (since you don't seem to appreciate much of what you've been reading here) what our reality is! If your concern is her schedule, then you should be happy that she wants to be an OR nurse! (Monday to Friday, mostly day shift (some evening, but they generally don't do surgery in the middle of the night!) I'm sure every nurse on this message board who works night shift and has a relationship can tell you that it's manageable. I, myself, work 12-hour day AND night shift, and my husband (who works from home) is fine with it and we're very happily married!

    After reading 8 pages of postings on these concerns of yours, your only concern seems to be that some honest postings have been meant to hurt you or whatever. We don't know you, buddy. And ya, your girlfriend COULD cheat on you, but if she wants to, she'll do it no matter what profession she's in. Would you rather she's in business, surrounded by smart men in business suits who aren't wearing scrubs, have actually slept the night before and taken a shower in the morning and can spend hours draped over her shoulder "reading" something that they're working on together, going out for extended business lunches that involves a few bottles of wine? Because if you're worried about her getting involved with doctors, it will have to be on her part seeking it out. There's not much time for lengthy discussions in closed quarters in the hospital... think about it!
    Good points.... really good points...You see you husband works from home.. Which is what I should try and do... Somehow Someway... If you work nights he can set time for when u get home or during the afternnoon or whenerever your not working or sleeping.... Plus he can handle any issues with any children... like getting sick at school or getting picked up from school or even taken to after school sports... I work in NYC and I get home around 7 and if she had a 3-11 shift... It would be hard to figure out how to help the kids out with picking them up or taking them to practice...

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