Marriage to a Nurse-- Need HELP

[NeedAdvice1234]

Hi everyone.

I am nto a nurse, however I am in a serious relationship with a Student Nurse. We have been talking marriage for some time now but she needs to graduate school. She will be done with her RN by December 2005. As you can see its right around the corner.

Anyway, I have a lot of concerns and she tries to reassure me that my concerns are not warrented nor will they be as bad as I think. However, I am skeptical because she has not been in the profession yet.

So long story short. I am concerned about what life will be like married to a Nurse. She has her heart set on ER nurseing and possibly Main OR. Considering I am in buisness and not medical profession. Everything I know is based on drama shows like ER and Trama etc. So I started thinking and I came up with the follwoing red flags that really concern me.

1. I don't want her to put herself in danger. There appreantly is a lot of disease and virus that are fatal out there. I am afraid if she is working in the ER that she might get AIDS if there is a bleeder and she gets blood in her eye Or if she gets stuck by a needle. So I feel she is in a dangerous postion over this.

2. I see alot of ER jobs out there that require shift work. Since my career bassically allows only for a 8-6 type of schdule. I am afraid that I will never see her if she get stuck on a 7-7 shift or so. The thought of comming home to an empty house and being alone until she has off next frightens me. I want to be able to some home and share each others day. Also we plan on having children so I don't understand how we can have children if she has so many messed up hours.

3. Holidays are important to the both of us. But since we have plans to move from NJ to out west. We will only have each other. Our familys will be behind. I don't really want to spend Christmas all alone.

4. The show ER is scary.... Does any of that stuff actually happen? If not then why is nursing considered one of the highest risk jobs you can have?

Overall I know it sounds like its all about me. But honestly it is. I want to make sure I know what I am getting into and the pitfalls I might face before I continue with the Marriage talk. Are my concerns warrented or am I just being smothering?

Any real life experinces and advice would be helpful. Someone out there must be married and a nurse. Who can offers some real life insight and not drama show life. I am looking for anyone who can really tell me how it is and perhaps made a marriage work by having night shift work.

Thank you all in advace.

[zambezi, BSN, RN]

There has been some good advice in these threads...when it comes down to it though, you and your fiancee are just going to have to sit down and discuss what your expectations of each other/marriage/life together means to you. I got married just after nursing school and have been married just over a year now. My husband and I dated while I was a full time nursing student while also holding down a job and playing college sports. Yea, it was a busy time, we only saw each other at night...but we knew that it was a means to an end. The great thing about nursing is that it is flexible. But you will also have to be flexible while she finds her niche. She may have to start our working nights. I currently work nights and it was an interesting schedule to get used to, but now my husband really likes it. We don't have any kids yet so he can have his buddies over on the nights that I work and have a "bachelor" night...he can play video games and watch the war movies that he loves and I hate. He enjoys the time to be by himself. I work two day on, two days off, four nights on, and yes- six days off. By the end of my week off, I think that he is ready for his alone time. We don't get to spend too much time together on my four day stretch..he leaves as I am getting home and I leave as he is getting home- you just get used to it. He does have to be quiet the days I am sleeping though :) If you love each other, you will make it work. Plus, if she hates her schedule, chances are that she can do something to make it better. She will never be without a job, she will have many options, she will probably make decent money. There will be a compromise on holidays but again you can make your own traditions...holidays are special because of who you spend them with, not becuase they are on a special day. I can't really speak to having kids and nursing but almost everyone I work with has kids of all ages and they make it work (usually with less childcare than their full time 8-5 counterparts).

As for diseases...well it is just a risk that comes with the job. But if she practices safely, chances are that she will be safe.

I applaud you in taking time to find out what nursing is about before you make the committment of marriage (even if you did sound just a little needy/controlling in your first post :) )--if you truly do love your fiance, support her in what she does, listen to her when she needs to talk if she has a rough day/night (something my husband won't do unless I really need to talk-he gets grossed out by anything hospital), be proud that she is a nurse, realize that nursing school does eventually end, and make it work!! The best thing that you can do it talk with her about your concerns, only you two knows what works for your relationship-

[NeedAdvice1234]

Better call the wedding off. She'll work screwed up hours. She'll get blood-puke-poop-snot-and alot of other stuff splattered on her. She'll work holidays. She'll be at risk for needle sticks. She'll be exposed to lots and lots of infectious disease. She'll be at higher than normal risk for being addicted to drugs/alcohol. She'll be stressed out alot. She'll work with horny-*** doctors that will try and hump her. :)

Dude, better get out while you can.

I am so glad that so many people found this posting amusing. I in fact did not. Considering I am a jelaous man and as a child my mother left my father for a doctor and wound up with a drug addiction. SHE WASN"t a Nurse. I think this wound up being the wrong forum to seek advice from. Some were of great help and I did sit down with my fiancee and talked this over. Now after such postings like this... i realize that noone here really cares about giving gret advice. They try to analyze me thinking I am controlling or needy. Well if I want to have a life with my wife and enjoy her and be able to talk about our days over a family dinner is considered needy or controlling then I am.

I came to this forum to find out how peoples lives really are, how they deal with missing out on birthday parties for kids or missing them opening presents on christmas. Or even cancleing plans to go to visit relatives on holiday because of being called last minute to work. But what I got was some nasty remarks from people trying to analyze me. Some of you were great and very helpful in alot of my decisons. But its postings like this that bring back the pain from my childhood that make me now consider if I want to take a chance and go through it again.

My fiancee does know about this posting and she was upset at first because she felt I didn't trust her responses. After learning about what was said she was glad I came here because she learned alot about what she really wants to do.

None the less she was willing to dropp out of nursing to ensure we would be toghether...This was never my intention..My intention was to figure out what will happen...

After this posting I guess I know.....

P.S I hop to god I die before I ever need a nurse if this is how nurses treat people who turn to them for help!

[Energizer Bunny]

If you truly care about her you'll let her follow her path.

Here you are thinking about marriage and yet you want to keep her from what SHE wants to do.

Would you be willing to change your livelyhood to fit around her schedule?

You should think about this.

-R

Bravo! Love your response! I am a student and my husband is doing everything he can to support me. We have three small children to take care of and this is no easy feat, trying to figure out childcare around both of our schedules etc. (and I am not working the shift work yet!) you do what you gotta do. If you really want to be with her, you will adjust.

[Energizer Bunny]

I am so glad that so many people found this posting amusing. I in fact did not. Considering I am a jelaous man and as a child my mother left my father for a doctor and wound up with a drug addiction. SHE WASN"t a Nurse. I think this wound up being the wrong forum to seek advice from. Some were of great help and I did sit down with my fiancee and talked this over. Now after such postings like this... i realize that noone here really cares about giving gret advice. They try to analyze me thinking I am controlling or needy. Well if I want to have a life with my wife and enjoy her and be able to talk about our days over a family dinner is considered needy or controlling then I am.

I came to this forum to find out how peoples lives really are, how they deal with missing out on birthday parties for kids or missing them opening presents on christmas. Or even cancleing plans to go to visit relatives on holiday because of being called last minute to work. But what I got was some nasty remarks from people trying to analyze me. Some of you were great and very helpful in alot of my decisons. But its postings like this that bring back the pain from my childhood that make me now consider if I want to take a chance and go through it again.

My fiancee does know about this posting and she was upset at first because she felt I didn't trust her responses. After learning about what was said she was glad I came here because she learned alot about what she really wants to do.

None the less she was willing to dropp out of nursing to ensure we would be toghether...This was never my intention..My intention was to figure out what will happen...

After this posting I guess I know.....

P.S I hop to god I die before I ever need a nurse if this is how nurses treat people who turn to them for help!

Listen, just because one person posts something like that doesn't mean we are all bad....there isn't much the rest of us can do about a few bad apples. I'm sorry that you were offended in this way.

[BBFRN, BSN, PhD]

If you want to get mad at us to give you yet another reason why your wife shouldn't be a nurse, then by all means have at it. And have you thought that you might've gotten so mad at some of these responses because they might have a ring of truth to them?

Oh, and BTW- jealousy does equal control issues. And the absolute last person to want to be with a Dr. is a NURSE. We spend enough time with them at work to know we don't want to spend our off-time with them.

[bukko]

I am so glad that so many people found this posting amusing. I in fact did not. Considering I am a jelaous man and as a child my mother left my father for a doctor and wound up with a drug addiction. SHE WASN"t a Nurse. I think this wound up being the wrong forum to seek advice from. Some were of great help and I did sit down with my fiancee and talked this over. Now after such postings like this... i realize that noone here really cares about giving gret advice. They try to analyze me thinking I am controlling or needy. Well if I want to have a life with my wife and enjoy her and be able to talk about our days over a family dinner is considered needy or controlling then I am.

I came to this forum to find out how peoples lives really are, how they deal with missing out on birthday parties for kids or missing them opening presents on christmas. Or even cancleing plans to go to visit relatives on holiday because of being called last minute to work. But what I got was some nasty remarks from people trying to analyze me. Some of you were great and very helpful in alot of my decisons. But its postings like this that bring back the pain from my childhood that make me now consider if I want to take a chance and go through it again.

You've probably heard the saying "Nurses eat their young." Before they do that, sometimes they have their youngs' fiancees as an appetizer...

[mstewart]

Okay, can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen. Sometimes things don't end up the way you ecpec them to. Sometimes people don't give you the answer you are looking for. That doesn't give you the right to get mad at them. Boy, you have a lot to learn about life-have fun. Glad she chooses you, because I sure wouldn't. Once again, as a couple you are going to have a lot more serious things to worry about than her work schedule.

Sorry about your childhood. Maybe there are some issues from that period of your life that still want to be worked out.

Okay, when you are having a heart attack at 42 and your wife is looking at you helpless because she doesn't know what to do, just remember that you said you wouldn't want anyone here to treat you, and your faithful wife dropped out of nursing school so you could spend more time together.

Ohhhhh, I'm feeling SASSY today!

[mitchsmom]

I hop to god I die before I ever need a nurse if this is how nurses treat people who turn to them for help!

Would lying to you have made you feel better? Sometimes caring and treating people the right way means telling the truth.

And I was one of the people that thought the post by Dinith88 was funny... because there is truth in it and well, maybe that was the most straight forward and best post for you, that the rest of us should have written in the first place.

[NeedAdvice1234]

Would lying to you have made you feel better? Sometimes caring and treating people the right way means telling the truth.

And I was one of the people that thought the post by Dinith88 was funny... because there is truth in it and well, maybe that was the most straight forward and best post for you, that the rest of us should have written in the first place.

Oh no your right that was the best thing to say. My wife will get addicted to drugs and booze and every doctor is going to want to hump her....oh yeah an lets not forget the idea of getting her number while we are at it.

Someone posted the truth hurts get out of the kitchen... and don't be mad that we are telling it like it is.. Only a handfull of people on here help me realize what needed to be done. I came here looking for advice and guidence..

And as far as the heat comments and being upset when getting slammed? Let me ask you when you tell a person that they are going to die from cancer when they look toward you to make them feel better... Do you just say...........

"Hey your going to die from cancer and your family is going to be left alone and you will not be their to see your kids graduate from college and you will never know your grandchildren LOL ohhhh does that bother you...well we tell it like it is... and if you don't like it get out of the kitchen."

I don't think so... Maybe I do have some issues that follow me around and the best way I take care of them is by anylizing and researching them...NOONE here realizes I was trying to understand my girl better so I can support her on all her decsions...NOPE...I got nasty comments on how i was controlling and needed to seek professional marriage advice.

Don't get me wrong... there are a few on here that did have the decency to actually see where I was comming from..who agreed that I should research my concerns... However, the ones who didn't understand didn't ask for clarification they ripped me apart... NOT COOL!!!

Considering everyone thinks that the posting was sooo true and I shouldn't get mad at it I guess now I get to worry about all the doctors hitting on my future wife.. PERFECT! I have to worry about her using drugs PERFECT!!

[AnnaN5]

Oh no your right that was the best thing to say. My wife will get addicted to drugs and booze and every doctor is going to want to hump her....oh yeah an lets not forget the idea of getting her number while we are at it.

Someone posted the truth hurts get out of the kitchen... and don't be mad that we are telling it like it is.. Only a handfull of people on here help me realize what needed to be done. I came here looking for advice and guidence..

And as far as the heat comments and being upset when getting slammed? Let me ask you when you tell a person that they are going to die from cancer when they look toward you to make them feel better... Do you just say...........

"Hey your going to die from cancer and your family is going to be left alone and you will not be their to see your kids graduate from college and you will never know your grandchildren LOL ohhhh does that bother you...well we tell it like it is... and if you don't like it get out of the kitchen."

I don't think so... Maybe I do have some issues that follow me around and the best way I take care of them is by anylizing and researching them...NOONE here realizes I was trying to understand my girl better so I can support her on all her decsions...NOPE...I got nasty comments on how i was controlling and needed to seek professional marriage advice.

Don't get me wrong... there are a few on here that did have the decency to actually see where I was comming from..who agreed that I should research my concerns... However, the ones who didn't understand didn't ask for clarification they ripped me apart... NOT COOL!!!

Considering everyone thinks that the posting was sooo true and I shouldn't get mad at it I guess now I get to worry about all the doctors hitting on my future wife.. PERFECT! I have to worry about her using drugs PERFECT!!

I really don't understand why you are getting so pissed when you came on here for advice and wanted other people's opinions and that is exactly what you got. In your original post you did sound needy and possessive so that threw up red flags for a lot of people on this board. And I am pretty sure everyone on this board who told you to seek marriage counseling wasn't being rude - they were trying to give you an arena to let your gf know your concerns. In case you don't know, anyone who gets married in a Catholic church is required to do marriage counseling, its not just for people who have 'issues' or whatever. You seem to have some issues from your past that you need to deal with before you can even commit to marrying someone.

[cinrn68]

I can't agree more with everyone's posting. If you were looking for sugar-coated answers to your questions, you definitely came to the wrong place. If you want a reality check, then keep on reading everyone's postings. As you've probably already realized, nurses are a passionate bunch and we will give you our honest opinions about everything. Life is a risk. If you want to know "what is going to happen", then go to a psychic (haha). As far as I know, nurses don't have crystal balls and no two nursing (or life) experiences are the same. That is why we are called "individuals". Who knows what life has to offer for any of us. We have to take each day as it comes, and if you're so worried about what the future holds for you and your girlfriend, then it's going to eat you up from the inside out and you'll end up self-destructing and destroying your relationship with her in the long run. I'm sure you'll end up blaming her nursing career, so what difference does it make what anyone on this message board can tell you about your questions?

As far as tv shows like ER and Trauma, IT'S HOLLYWOOD! If they really showed what goes on in a typical day in the ER, everyone could use the footage for a sleeping pill (for the most part). In every unit there are busy times, but there's a lot of down time as well. Some days you run off your feet, other days it's not so bad. As far as contracting diseases, there are universal precautions to take for nurses (and all medical personnel) to protect ourselves! And as far as the schedule goes, it is so varied and flexible that anyone can find what they are looking for in nursing, and your girlfriend will be relieved to be finally doing only one job (instead of working, studying and trying to find time to spend with you!) You didn't mention if you're already living together, but that in itself is a huge adjustment and you'll see that marriage is a challenge in the 1st year. As someone else mentioned, if you have that many concerns about the time factor in your relationship, maybe you should postpone your wedding until your girlfriend has graduated and has been working for awhile. You don't say when the wedding is planned for, but you're still young, so I'm sure a few years is worth a lifetime of happiness at this point.

[NeedAdvice1234]

I really don't understand why you are getting so pissed when you came on here for advice and wanted other people's opinions and that is exactly what you got. In your original post you did sound needy and possessive so that threw up red flags for a lot of people on this board. And I am pretty sure everyone on this board who told you to seek marriage counseling wasn't being rude - they were trying to give you an arena to let your gf know your concerns. In case you don't know, anyone who gets married in a Catholic church is required to do marriage counseling, its not just for people who have 'issues' or whatever. You seem to have some issues from your past that you need to deal with before you can even commit to marrying someone.

I know all about Precana... However, the responses I got back was that i am being needy...fine I let them go... then i got controlleing and I wouldn't marry you... that pissed me off a little because I haven't said or done anything wrong. But the entire comment of telling me how bad **** was going to get...broke the back of the camel so to speak... As far as my original post tell me what part of this sounds controlleing or needy????

---Anyway, I have a lot of concerns and she tries to reassure me that my concerns are not warrented nor will they be as bad as I think. However, I am skeptical because she has not been in the profession yet.

So long story short. I am concerned about what life will be like married to a Nurse. She has her heart set on ER nurseing and possibly Main OR. Considering I am in buisness and not medical profession. Everything I know is based on drama shows like ER and Trama etc. So I started thinking and I came up with the follwoing red flags that really concern me.

Overall I know it sounds like its all about me. But honestly it isnt. I want to make sure I know what I am getting into and the pitfalls I might face before I continue with the Marriage talk. Are my concerns warrented or am I just being smothering?

Any real life experinces and advice would be helpful. Someone out there must be married and a nurse. Who can offers some real life insight and not drama show life. I am looking for anyone who can really tell me how it is and perhaps made a marriage work by having night shift work.