Marriage to a Nurse-- Need HELP

Biscuit12 · Mar 30, 2004

After reading your original message, and several of the replies, it occurs to me that there are two kinds of issues here: 1. Safety/gross out factors, and 2. Time/will I be a priority issues.

I want to talk about the second one... as lots of others here have answered the first one really well. I think you need to really examine what you expect marriage to be like. Does it mean always having someone around when you come home, and never having to be alone? Does it mean being together all the time? Do you expect to define the culture of your marriage, or do you expect her to do it? Will you compromise? (news flash: you WILL compromise :) .)

Once you're married, I think you'll find that lots of things are different from what you expected. And in the future, if you have kids, you'll find that changes everything yet again. The fact is, marriage is a pact to live life together... and do whatever it takes to make it work.

I mean things like who's job is the "deciding job" in the family (or are they equal. Sometimes, this is an economic decision (like one spouse works because they make more money, while the other works less or stays home with kids). Sometimes it's a preference that one partner has... but you BOTH have to agree to it. Would you quit your job to move somewhere for your spouse's job? Would you expect her to?

I don't mean to be risque... but I think a great example of this is the expectation that many men have about how much/how often they will have sex after they get married (seems never to be as much as they thought it would be :rotfl: ) But... they have no reason to know this in advance, really... they just never really thought about it.

The fact of the matter is this: you and your wife will build the culture of your marriage TOGETHER. It may not look like your parent's marriage, or the marriage you envision now... what will define it and make it real is that you will have done it together. If you're not ready to accept that... and still hope that your marriage will fit some predetermined structure that you haven't shared with her... then you're not ready.

I worked 3-11 shifts when I got engaged. Shortly after I was married, a 7-3 position opened up, and I took it. I had some exposure scares, but nothing really bad. That worked great while we were dinks (dual income, no kids). I started trying to have children, and ran into problems. I needed a change, and wanted to get out of the bedside "rat race". I moved to Information Technology, where I am today. I consider myself to be a "computer nurse" (also know as "informatics"). I work to apply computer solutions to the benefit of clinical care, and I work closely with the clinicians at the bedside. Happily, I am able to do this part time, day hours. Some day, I may have to return to bedside, odd shifts. If that happens, my husband and I will compensate... but the issue won't be as much about us spending time with each other as about spending time with the kids... you see.., the further along you move in life, the less the emphasis is on your personal needs, and the more on other priorities. I'm sure it will swing back around when our kids aren't as little. All things change.

Good Luck

SmilingBluEyes · Mar 30, 2004

rofl tom. you got it right.......

you need to go into business for yourself teaching em.

Tweety, BSN, RN · Mar 30, 2004

I'm sorry you felt you were slammed. Try to get beyond that. What we are trying to say is that it isn't going to be easy. Being married to a nursing student/nurse can be tough. The spouse has to be strong and indepedent.

I think you are going to do just fine, because you want to be supportive. I wouldn't worry too much or try to project what the future is going to be like. Just love her, take it one day at a time, and be flexible and realize that she may not always be there when you want her or need her to be.

Like Biscuit says, relax and build the culture of your marriage together, one day at a time.

I think sometimes we as nurses forget that spouses have needs too that have to be balanced with our needs to be what we want to be. That they don't have a clue as to why we're two hours late one day when we are supposed to clock out at 3pm. Sometimes we might be asking too much.

ktwlpn, LPN · Mar 30, 2004

Hi everyone.
2. I see alot of ER jobs out there that require shift work. Since my career bassically allows only for a 8-6 type of schdule. I am afraid that I will never see her if she get stuck on a 7-7 shift or so. The thought of comming home to an empty house and being alone until she has off next frightens me. I want to be able to some home and share each others day. Also we plan on having children so I don't understand how we can have children if she has so many messed up hours.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>I have never had a problem getting my shift of choice-I may have waited a few months but it has always worked out.When our son was a baby my husband worked days and I worked evenings.Our son was only in day care for about 2 hours-it worked out well.....>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
3. Holidays are important to the both of us. But since we have plans to move from NJ to out west. We will only have each other. Our familys will be behind. I don't really want to spend Christmas all alone.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Holidays are important to us all-but I believe that it is NOT about the day but rather the people...You can celebrate Christmas the day before or the day after.If she has to work and you are off why not volunteer somewhere?>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
...She will have days that she comes home feeling as though she has had the life sucked right out of her-nursing is tough emotionally and physically....It's not sitting at a desk dealing with abstracts....it's life and death......
That's my 2 cents-good luck

rebeccalizzie · Mar 30, 2004

I'm not a nurse (yet!) but I feel qualified to answer part of this. My husband is a cop, and I am a former 911 operator/ police dispatcher for a large city. So I have a lot of experience on strange shifts, working around your family (we have an 8 year old DD) and missing holidays. I do have fears about him getting hurt, but I think that's an individual thing--I'm not generally a fearful person, so I put it in perspective (for instance, he's much more likely to be in a car wreck and be killed on the way to work than he is to be killed at work). But everyone has to deal with their fears in a way that works for them--statistics help me a lot.

DH has been on second shift (3-11) for 5 years. He works 4 days then is off 2, meaning he gets one real "weekend" every 6 weeks. I am now in a normal day shift job, working 8:30-5 monday thru friday. DH and I see each other on the evenings he is off, then Sat and Sun morning while I'm off. I go to bed before he comes home most nights, and he is asleep in the morning when I leave.

We have made a huge effort to spend quality time together because we don't have quantity time! I try to wait up for him one night a week. I also call him from my lunch break, and he calls me from his dinner break. That way we at least can keep up with the day to day little stuff. On his days off I don't run errands in the evening, and I keep my social life to a minimum. Since I have 4 other days to go out with friends this isn't a hardship, and our two days together we spend *together* as a family.

When DD was small, this was perfect--she was only in day care a little bit of each day, and she got individual time with each of us. Now that she is in school DH doesn't see her much, but they do their best to have time together too. He will likely be on first shift in a year or two, and then that will be better.

As for holidays...you learn to be creative. We often do a brunch on a Sunday instead of a dinner to celebrate birthdays, so he can be there and then go to work. We celebrate Christmas morning on the day, but have Christmas dinner on the closest day he is off--it's great because our whole families can be there on the 27th, the 25th people have so many other family committments. Easter we are doing an egg hunt and a brunch (I've gotten *really* good at brunch dishes!). We've learned that what is important to us is to celebrate the holiday, we don't care so much when we do it.

I really commend you for facing right now what *could* be a problem for you later. By dealing with your fears early, I really think you will help keep yourself from being resentful over something you hadn't really considered. Sounds like your fiancee is getting a great guy to me!

NeedAdvice1234 · Mar 30, 2004

Thank you rebeccalizzie. I guess I am so used to my own family traditions of Christmas eve dinner then a Christmas dinner and opening gifts on Christmas I never really thought of the oppurtuities to have brunches/lunches. However, us moving and being away from family, I don't think its fair to go home to see our familes without her on those holidays, but if I don't go home... We might end up not spending time if she gets a double shift. Its one of those things I guess will work itself out when it comes down to it. I don't feel its fair to ever leave her alone on holidays and I would hope she feels the same.

Thank you for understanding and i appreciate the "great guy" remark. I think I have my own little issues that doesn't make me so great one of them being the obvious I worry and over anayze everything!

Listening to how you deal with your schdules is very interesting. I assume in life I will have more standard schdule of a typical 8 hour day. With that, I am begging to realize that being a nurse she could work around my schduleing more than I can work around hers. Which makes me feel quite guilty.

Everyone is begging to open up a new door of enlightenment to this entire profession. I wonder what the most dangerous parts of the job really are.

regards,

me!

I'm not a nurse (yet!) but I feel qualified to answer part of this. My husband is a cop, and I am a former 911 operator/ police dispatcher for a large city. So I have a lot of experience on strange shifts, working around your family (we have an 8 year old DD) and missing holidays. I do have fears about him getting hurt, but I think that's an individual thing--I'm not generally a fearful person, so I put it in perspective (for instance, he's much more likely to be in a car wreck and be killed on the way to work than he is to be killed at work). But everyone has to deal with their fears in a way that works for them--statistics help me a lot.
DH has been on second shift (3-11) for 5 years. He works 4 days then is off 2, meaning he gets one real "weekend" every 6 weeks. I am now in a normal day shift job, working 8:30-5 monday thru friday. DH and I see each other on the evenings he is off, then Sat and Sun morning while I'm off. I go to bed before he comes home most nights, and he is asleep in the morning when I leave.
We have made a huge effort to spend quality time together because we don't have quantity time! I try to wait up for him one night a week. I also call him from my lunch break, and he calls me from his dinner break. That way we at least can keep up with the day to day little stuff. On his days off I don't run errands in the evening, and I keep my social life to a minimum. Since I have 4 other days to go out with friends this isn't a hardship, and our two days together we spend *together* as a family.
When DD was small, this was perfect--she was only in day care a little bit of each day, and she got individual time with each of us. Now that she is in school DH doesn't see her much, but they do their best to have time together too. He will likely be on first shift in a year or two, and then that will be better.
As for holidays...you learn to be creative. We often do a brunch on a Sunday instead of a dinner to celebrate birthdays, so he can be there and then go to work. We celebrate Christmas morning on the day, but have Christmas dinner on the closest day he is off--it's great because our whole families can be there on the 27th, the 25th people have so many other family committments. Easter we are doing an egg hunt and a brunch (I've gotten *really* good at brunch dishes!). We've learned that what is important to us is to celebrate the holiday, we don't care so much when we do it.
I really commend you for facing right now what *could* be a problem for you later. By dealing with your fears early, I really think you will help keep yourself from being resentful over something you hadn't really considered. Sounds like your fiancee is getting a great guy to me!

shyviolet78, LPN, LVN · Mar 30, 2004

I believe nursing may be considered "dangerous" because of the risk for back injury. But you will find this in any job that requires you to lift or stand alot. Probably as dangerous, or likely as carpal tunnel syndrome for an office worker, I'd think. And nursing is not the most dangerous job! I copied this list from the US Department of Labor statistics, nursing didn't even make the list:

1. Truck driver

2. Farm worker

3. Sales supervisor/proprietor

4. Construction worker

5. Police detective

6. Airplane pilot

7. Security guard

8. Taxicab driver

9. Timber cutter

10. Cashier

11. Fisherman

12. Metal worker

13. Roofer

14. Firefighter

[source: U.S. Labor Department]

And about working holidays... My facility has a list where you make out your "dream schedule" of 3 holidays off each year out of 6, and they try to accomadate that. After that, they go by the previous year's schedule, so that noone ends up working two Christmas's in a row, for instance. I've never had to work Christmas or Thanksgiving once in 3 years, because I work a weekend only shift. This year I may have to work Christmas, but we'll simply celebrate the day before, no biggie in the grand scheme of things. The only thing I mind about it is having to miss Midnight Mass on Christmas morning.

**canoehead, BSN, RN** · Mar 30, 2004

NeedAdvice,

You will be slammed by SOMEONE here if you ask the color of the sky, so don't take it personally. It just shows that you've got a lot of people interested in your question and you got a good variety of opinions in your replies. I think it's great that you are looking to the future and trying to work out your problems ahead of time.

CCU NRS · Mar 30, 2004

If you truly care about her you'll let her follow her path.
Here you are thinking about marriage and yet you want to keep her from what SHE wants to do.
Would you be willing to change your livelyhood to fit around her schedule?
You should think about this.
-R

edited after reading more

I agree with Rusty you don't sound like you really care about her you just want a wife and homemaker. One thing I will tell you is that Nurses are people that will not be pushed around they take too much crap from too many people on a daily basis to deal with control freaks in their home life!

mattsmom81 · Mar 30, 2004

Hmm. Lots of replies to this thread I see. My question is why come here for info?

Your wife to be is already in the medical profession as a MA if I read right. She likely knows what she's in for and why she wants to pursue nursing...ask HER. Practice your communication skills ...you will need them when you marry believe me.

There is great flexibility in nursing as i see it...so it makes a good career for a someone who also wants a family IMO. I love working 3 12 hr shifts personally. I love knowing I can work PRN (as needed) status at hospitals and literally make my OWN schedule around my kids/family. I can work agency and subcontract if I don't want to work 'for' a hospital/facility.Works great for many families, and while it definitely has it's drawbacks (like ANY job) the pluses can outweigh the minuses IF one is drawn to a helping profession. Good luck to both of you. :)

sharann, BSN, RN · Mar 31, 2004

NeedAdvice,
You will be slammed by SOMEONE here if you ask the color of the sky, so don't take it personally. It just shows that you've got a lot of people interested in your question and you got a good variety of opinions in your replies. I think it's great that you are looking to the future and trying to work out your problems ahead of time.

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

Don't overanalyze so much Mr. NeedAdvice1234, it will be o.k. I don't think you are trying to control her but I agree with some of the posters that you need to talk to HER about these issues. There is no such thing as impossible when you put your heads together. Just remember, when you are married you don't HAVE to go home every holiday to the families, YOU are a family. Let them come to you! So good luck and don't lislten to those who you think are slamming you.

Jocie · Apr 1, 2004

I think one of the biggest risk is giving the wrong med and being in a legal battle.