Marriage to a Nurse-- Need HELP

Nurses General Nursing

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Hi everyone.

I am nto a nurse, however I am in a serious relationship with a Student Nurse. We have been talking marriage for some time now but she needs to graduate school. She will be done with her RN by December 2005. As you can see its right around the corner.

Anyway, I have a lot of concerns and she tries to reassure me that my concerns are not warrented nor will they be as bad as I think. However, I am skeptical because she has not been in the profession yet.

So long story short. I am concerned about what life will be like married to a Nurse. She has her heart set on ER nurseing and possibly Main OR. Considering I am in buisness and not medical profession. Everything I know is based on drama shows like ER and Trama etc. So I started thinking and I came up with the follwoing red flags that really concern me.

1. I don't want her to put herself in danger. There appreantly is a lot of disease and virus that are fatal out there. I am afraid if she is working in the ER that she might get AIDS if there is a bleeder and she gets blood in her eye Or if she gets stuck by a needle. So I feel she is in a dangerous postion over this.

2. I see alot of ER jobs out there that require shift work. Since my career bassically allows only for a 8-6 type of schdule. I am afraid that I will never see her if she get stuck on a 7-7 shift or so. The thought of comming home to an empty house and being alone until she has off next frightens me. I want to be able to some home and share each others day. Also we plan on having children so I don't understand how we can have children if she has so many messed up hours.

3. Holidays are important to the both of us. But since we have plans to move from NJ to out west. We will only have each other. Our familys will be behind. I don't really want to spend Christmas all alone.

4. The show ER is scary.... Does any of that stuff actually happen? If not then why is nursing considered one of the highest risk jobs you can have?

Overall I know it sounds like its all about me. But honestly it is. I want to make sure I know what I am getting into and the pitfalls I might face before I continue with the Marriage talk. Are my concerns warrented or am I just being smothering?

Any real life experinces and advice would be helpful. Someone out there must be married and a nurse. Who can offers some real life insight and not drama show life. I am looking for anyone who can really tell me how it is and perhaps made a marriage work by having night shift work.

Thank you all in advace.

Specializes in AGNP.
I know all about Precana... However, the responses I got back was that i am being needy...fine I let them go... then i got controlleing and I wouldn't marry you... that pissed me off a little because I haven't said or done anything wrong. But the entire comment of telling me how bad **** was going to get...broke the back of the camel so to speak... As far as my original post tell me what part of this sounds controlleing or needy????

---Anyway, I have a lot of concerns and she tries to reassure me that my concerns are not warrented nor will they be as bad as I think. However, I am skeptical because she has not been in the profession yet.

So long story short. I am concerned about what life will be like married to a Nurse. She has her heart set on ER nurseing and possibly Main OR. Considering I am in buisness and not medical profession. Everything I know is based on drama shows like ER and Trama etc. So I started thinking and I came up with the follwoing red flags that really concern me.

Overall I know it sounds like its all about me. But honestly it isnt. I want to make sure I know what I am getting into and the pitfalls I might face before I continue with the Marriage talk. Are my concerns warrented or am I just being smothering?

Any real life experinces and advice would be helpful. Someone out there must be married and a nurse. Who can offers some real life insight and not drama show life. I am looking for anyone who can really tell me how it is and perhaps made a marriage work by having night shift work.

The thing that you seem to be stuck on is the fact that you will never see her and she won't be home when you get home from work and you can't have the 'normal' family life. There are many options for nursing hours, even if she gets stuck on a 7pm-7am shift, it is pretty much the norm you only work 3 days so the other 4 days of the week she would be home. I said in one of my first replies some examples about some of my family members who are nurses and are married with children. They lead pretty normal lives, sometimes we have to have family functions earlier or later in the day to accomodate them but they certainly dont miss out on birthdays, holidays, etc. If she has her heart set on the ER she may have to work some crappy hours in the beginning, but with experience comes better hours and she may change her mind to another area. My aunt who works in OR and pretty much sets her own schedule and works just 2-3 days a week. So I guess I am just trying to say that yeah the first couple years of starting a nursing career may not be the greatest hours and some sacrifices may need to be made but you learn how to make everything work and you are able to have a pretty normal life.

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I can't agree more with everyone's posting. If you were looking for sugar-coated answers to your questions, you definitely came to the wrong place. If you want a reality check, then keep on reading everyone's postings. As you've probably already realized, nurses are a passionate bunch and we will give you our honest opinions about everything. Life is a risk. If you want to know "what is going to happen", then go to a psychic (haha). As far as I know, nurses don't have crystal balls and no two nursing (or life) experiences are the same. That is why we are called "individuals". Who knows what life has to offer for any of us. We have to take each day as it comes, and if you're so worried about what the future holds for you and your girlfriend, then it's going to eat you up from the inside out and you'll end up self-destructing and destroying your relationship with her in the long run. I'm sure you'll end up blaming her nursing career, so what difference does it make what anyone on this message board can tell you about your questions?

As far as tv shows like ER and Trauma, IT'S HOLLYWOOD! If they really showed what goes on in a typical day in the ER, everyone could use the footage for a sleeping pill (for the most part). In every unit there are busy times, but there's a lot of down time as well. Some days you run off your feet, other days it's not so bad. As far as contracting diseases, there are universal precautions to take for nurses (and all medical personnel) to protect ourselves! And as far as the schedule goes, it is so varied and flexible that anyone can find what they are looking for in nursing, and your girlfriend will be relieved to be finally doing only one job (instead of working, studying and trying to find time to spend with you!) You didn't mention if you're already living together, but that in itself is a huge adjustment and you'll see that marriage is a challenge in the 1st year. As someone else mentioned, if you have that many concerns about the time factor in your relationship, maybe you should postpone your wedding until your girlfriend has graduated and has been working for awhile. You don't say when the wedding is planned for, but you're still young, so I'm sure a few years is worth a lifetime of happiness at this point.

NOW THIS IS A POSTING.... LETS TEACH EVERYONE HERE HOW TO WRITE A POSITIVE POST.... I appreciate this... I really do... I want to cut and paste the good points u made but the entire post makes sense... Your right I am young enough that its going to be 3 years or so before we get married.

See my entrie orignal post was about the relationship.... I didn't want to lead her on telling her Life is grand and i have no concerns.. I don't like lieing to her.. I never did..never will.... The worst thing is... I don't want to make rash decisions on someone I care about soo deeply... This posting makes more sense then the rest...everything excpet the part of agreeing with everyone's posting....:) Thank you for breaking down the typical life of being a nurse in the er cinrn68. By stating their are busy and slow days... I do understand what you mean by being an individual... but their has to be similarites.. Like hours ever got in the way...or hours were perfect because... Alot of people talked about standard precautions when you got someone comming in with have the body torn off.. Are there certain procedures that require eye protection or sheilds when in a certain area... This will give me an insight of what happens around the ER... rather then trying to watch it on Hollywood.

One more question......do doctors really try and hump all the nurses?

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"Anyway, I have a lot of concerns and she tries to reassure me that my concerns are not warrented nor will they be as bad as I think. However, I am skeptical because she has not been in the profession yet.

So long story short. I am concerned about what life will be like married to a Nurse. She has her heart set on ER nurseing and possibly Main OR. Considering I am in buisness and not medical profession. Everything I know is based on drama shows like ER and Trama etc. So I started thinking and I came up with the follwoing red flags that really concern me.

Overall I know it sounds like its all about me. But honestly it isnt. I want to make sure I know what I am getting into and the pitfalls I might face before I continue with the Marriage talk. Are my concerns warrented or am I just being smothering?

Any real life experinces and advice would be helpful. Someone out there must be married and a nurse. Who can offers some real life insight and not drama show life. I am looking for anyone who can really tell me how it is and perhaps made a marriage work by having night shift work. "

Why do you doubt what she tells you? If she is doing clinical rotations in the hospital, then she has probably spoken to many nurses who can tell her what the reality of being with a nurse is like! Maybe you should go meet her after one of her rotations and meet other nurses face to face and find out firsthand (since you don't seem to appreciate much of what you've been reading here) what our reality is! If your concern is her schedule, then you should be happy that she wants to be an OR nurse! (Monday to Friday, mostly day shift (some evening, but they generally don't do surgery in the middle of the night!) I'm sure every nurse on this message board who works night shift and has a relationship can tell you that it's manageable. I, myself, work 12-hour day AND night shift, and my husband (who works from home) is fine with it and we're very happily married!

After reading 8 pages of postings on these concerns of yours, your only concern seems to be that some honest postings have been meant to hurt you or whatever. We don't know you, buddy. And ya, your girlfriend COULD cheat on you, but if she wants to, she'll do it no matter what profession she's in. Would you rather she's in business, surrounded by smart men in business suits who aren't wearing scrubs, have actually slept the night before and taken a shower in the morning and can spend hours draped over her shoulder "reading" something that they're working on together, going out for extended business lunches that involves a few bottles of wine? Because if you're worried about her getting involved with doctors, it will have to be on her part seeking it out. There's not much time for lengthy discussions in closed quarters in the hospital... think about it!

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The thing that you seem to be stuck on is the fact that you will never see her and she won't be home when you get home from work and you can't have the 'normal' family life. There are many options for nursing hours, even if she gets stuck on a 7pm-7am shift, it is pretty much the norm you only work 3 days so the other 4 days of the week she would be home. I said in one of my first replies some examples about some of my family members who are nurses and are married with children. They lead pretty normal lives, sometimes we have to have family functions earlier or later in the day to accomodate them but they certainly dont miss out on birthdays, holidays, etc. If she has her heart set on the ER she may have to work some crappy hours in the beginning, but with experience comes better hours and she may change her mind to another area. My aunt who works in OR and pretty much sets her own schedule and works just 2-3 days a week. So I guess I am just trying to say that yeah the first couple years of starting a nursing career may not be the greatest hours and some sacrifices may need to be made but you learn how to make everything work and you are able to have a pretty normal life.

Yet another great reply your absoluty right with ...

""you seem to be stuck on is the fact that you will never see her and she won't be home when you get home from work..""

that and the potential of loosing her early to a harmful disease she might get because of a mishap in the ER..Look at how many Drs. died from Sars..yes it was a new disease and yes a diffrent country but it doesn't mean it could be the same here.

Now if she gains like 5 years experince in ER.. would she still have better hours if she moved to say Peds or Oncology? Or would it be like starting new again?

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Specializes in AGNP.

One more question......do doctors really try and hump all the nurses?

The relationship between doctors and nurses isn't any different than working relationships in other careers. Of course some doctors and nurses may have personal relationships but that is because they are interested in eachother not because doctors go around saying 'hey there is a nurse, lets get with her/him' or nurses saying 'hey there a doctor, lets get with him/her'. Most people don't look for spouses/dates at their jobs just for the the fact that you don't want to spend 24/7 with someone at home, at work, etc.

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"Anyway, I have a lot of concerns and she tries to reassure me that my concerns are not warrented nor will they be as bad as I think. However, I am skeptical because she has not been in the profession yet.

So long story short. I am concerned about what life will be like married to a Nurse. She has her heart set on ER nurseing and possibly Main OR. Considering I am in buisness and not medical profession. Everything I know is based on drama shows like ER and Trama etc. So I started thinking and I came up with the follwoing red flags that really concern me.

Overall I know it sounds like its all about me. But honestly it isnt. I want to make sure I know what I am getting into and the pitfalls I might face before I continue with the Marriage talk. Are my concerns warrented or am I just being smothering?

Any real life experinces and advice would be helpful. Someone out there must be married and a nurse. Who can offers some real life insight and not drama show life. I am looking for anyone who can really tell me how it is and perhaps made a marriage work by having night shift work. "

Why do you doubt what she tells you? If she is doing clinical rotations in the hospital, then she has probably spoken to many nurses who can tell her what the reality of being with a nurse is like! Maybe you should go meet her after one of her rotations and meet other nurses face to face and find out firsthand (since you don't seem to appreciate much of what you've been reading here) what our reality is! If your concern is her schedule, then you should be happy that she wants to be an OR nurse! (Monday to Friday, mostly day shift (some evening, but they generally don't do surgery in the middle of the night!) I'm sure every nurse on this message board who works night shift and has a relationship can tell you that it's manageable. I, myself, work 12-hour day AND night shift, and my husband (who works from home) is fine with it and we're very happily married!

After reading 8 pages of postings on these concerns of yours, your only concern seems to be that some honest postings have been meant to hurt you or whatever. We don't know you, buddy. And ya, your girlfriend COULD cheat on you, but if she wants to, she'll do it no matter what profession she's in. Would you rather she's in business, surrounded by smart men in business suits who aren't wearing scrubs, have actually slept the night before and taken a shower in the morning and can spend hours draped over her shoulder "reading" something that they're working on together, going out for extended business lunches that involves a few bottles of wine? Because if you're worried about her getting involved with doctors, it will have to be on her part seeking it out. There's not much time for lengthy discussions in closed quarters in the hospital... think about it!

Good points.... really good points...You see you husband works from home.. Which is what I should try and do... Somehow Someway... If you work nights he can set time for when u get home or during the afternnoon or whenerever your not working or sleeping.... Plus he can handle any issues with any children... like getting sick at school or getting picked up from school or even taken to after school sports... I work in NYC and I get home around 7 and if she had a 3-11 shift... It would be hard to figure out how to help the kids out with picking them up or taking them to practice...

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The relationship between doctors and nurses isn't any different than working relationships in other careers. Of course some doctors and nurses may have personal relationships but that is because they are interested in eachother not because doctors go around saying 'hey there is a nurse, lets get with her/him' or nurses saying 'hey there a doctor, lets get with him/her'. Most people don't look for spouses/dates at their jobs just for the the fact that you don't want to spend 24/7 with someone at home, at work, etc.

So doctors are not the same scum you find at a bar or dance clubs that just want one thing from you... Most of them probally are married and have better things on their minds?

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Good points.... really good points...You see you husband works from home.. Which is what I should try and do... Somehow Someway... If you work nights he can set time for when u get home or during the afternnoon or whenerever your not working or sleeping.... Plus he can handle any issues with any children... like getting sick at school or getting picked up from school or even taken to after school sports... I work in NYC and I get home around 7 and if she had a 3-11 shift... It would be hard to figure out how to help the kids out with picking them up or taking them to practice...

BTW.... I am really going to piss you people off now... I work at New York Presb Hospital.... However, i tried to talk to the staff and noone ever had time for me... even for a lunch to discuss this stuff... they recomended this site... If only they knew!!

anyway... my girl wouldn't feel confotrable with that stuff.. she told me she made a huge mistake before she started schooling... The school had a night session for the S/O of the nursing students... they were their to talk to you to tell you life was going to get hard and so on so forth... there was also a q/a afterwards for any concerns.... She kicks herself everyday because she thought I could have used it..

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NOW THIS IS A POSTING.... LETS TEACH EVERYONE HERE HOW TO WRITE A POSITIVE POST.... I appreciate this... I really do... I want to cut and paste the good points u made but the entire post makes sense... Your right I am young enough that its going to be 3 years or so before we get married.

See my entrie orignal post was about the relationship.... I didn't want to lead her on telling her Life is grand and i have no concerns.. I don't like lieing to her.. I never did..never will.... The worst thing is... I don't want to make rash decisions on someone I care about soo deeply... This posting makes more sense then the rest...everything excpet the part of agreeing with everyone's posting....:) Thank you for breaking down the typical life of being a nurse in the er cinrn68. By stating their are busy and slow days... I do understand what you mean by being an individual... but their has to be similarites.. Like hours ever got in the way...or hours were perfect because... Alot of people talked about standard precautions when you got someone comming in with have the body torn off.. Are there certain procedures that require eye protection or sheilds when in a certain area... This will give me an insight of what happens around the ER... rather then trying to watch it on Hollywood.

One more question......do doctors really try and hump all the nurses?

Heh heh... from my experience, no, the doctors are not trying to hump ALL the nurses (just the cute ones! JUST JOKING). Seriously... I've been nursing for 7 years (and attached the whole time :) ), and although I have had some interest from a few doctors, they have not tried to hump me! You have to understand, we work with the doctors on a daily basis. If one is so inclined to have relations with the doctors (or other nurses for that matter) it can make life rather uncomfortable when things don't work out. If you're concerned about your girlfriend, then it won't matter what profession she is in. It's a question of trust. If you're in a loving, trusting relationship to begin with, then it won't be an issue for you.

As far as the universal precautions. This means gloves for every patient in a normal medical setting. Working in the ER, it depends on the level of trauma that the ER deals with. The trauma that you see on TLC is mostly in urban settings where they have huge trauma facilities. In this case, it's gloves, gown, and protective eye gear. You have to understand that the hospital will not put a nurse at risk -- that is why gloves are all over the place and if we have patients on isolation for whatever reason, we have gloves, gowns (if there's a risk of being soiled) and masks (if there's a risk of airborne disease). And the most important thing of all is HANDWASHING. Your girlfriend will prevent bringing home a lot of crap if she gets into the habit of washing her hands repeatedly!

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Specializes in AGNP.
So doctors are not the same scum you find at a bar or dance clubs that just want one thing from you... Most of them probally are married and have better things on their minds?

Its a professional environment, most people don't try to date people they work with just for the fact that it can be uncomfortable after a break-up. If you weren't attached, would you go around your place of employment and try to get with all the girls that work there? I doubt you would since most people don't go to work expecting to get a date. After working for awhile with someone you may grow into a relationship but places of employment including hospitals aren't singles bars where everyone is looking to get some.

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Heh heh... from my experience, no, the doctors are not trying to hump ALL the nurses (just the cute ones! JUST JOKING). Seriously... I've been nursing for 7 years (and attached the whole time :) ), and although I have had some interest from a few doctors, they have not tried to hump me! You have to understand, we work with the doctors on a daily basis. If one is so inclined to have relations with the doctors (or other nurses for that matter) it can make life rather uncomfortable when things don't work out. If you're concerned about your girlfriend, then it won't matter what profession she is in. It's a question of trust. If you're in a loving, trusting relationship to begin with, then it won't be an issue for you.

As far as the universal precautions. This means gloves for every patient in a normal medical setting. Working in the ER, it depends on the level of trauma that the ER deals with. The trauma that you see on TLC is mostly in urban settings where they have huge trauma facilities. In this case, it's gloves, gown, and protective eye gear. You have to understand that the hospital will not put a nurse at risk -- that is why gloves are all over the place and if we have patients on isolation for whatever reason, we have gloves, gowns (if there's a risk of being soiled) and masks (if there's a risk of airborne disease). And the most important thing of all is HANDWASHING. Your girlfriend will prevent bringing home a lot of crap if she gets into the habit of washing her hands repeatedly!

I am surprised how many people talk about the gloves.... One of my thoughts was...wow the only things from your and the person is a piece of latex... I guess I underestimate the value of latex..Is it that impenratrble??(sp)

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Your right I am young enough that its going to be 3 years or so before we get married.

See my entrie orignal post was about the relationship.... I didn't want to lead her on telling her Life is grand and i have no concerns.. I don't like lieing to her.. I never did..never will.... The worst thing is... I don't want to make rash decisions on someone I care about soo deeply...

If you're only getting married in 3 years, then don't sweat it just yet. Why don't you wait and see what it's like once she's working. I can understand your concerns, and trying to deal with them now is a good idea, but maybe you presented yourself in a bit of a self-centered position. If your concerns about her health and safety are your number one concerns, then that's very commendable on your part. But don't start out saying that your concerned that you'll never see each other, etc. That just pisses a lot of people off from the get go! I work with 60 nurses on my unit and at least 3/4 of them are married with kids and are managing just fine. I'd say 99 percent of the husbands work "normal" hours, and between the 2 parents they manage with the kids with no problems. The great thing about nursing is it's flexibility. If your girlfriend (wife) is working on a unit where the hours are no longer conducive to your life situation, she can find another unit that better suits her needs. And if bedside nursing is no longer appealing to her (and if she has her bachelor degree) she can work for medical/pharmaceutical companies, she can do research, she can do many other things that don't necessarily mean that she's stuck with shift work for the rest of your lives together.

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