I am nto a nurse, however I am in a serious relationship with a Student Nurse. We have been talking marriage for some time now but she needs to graduate school. She will be done with her RN by December 2005. As you can see its right around the corner.
Anyway, I have a lot of concerns and she tries to reassure me that my concerns are not warrented nor will they be as bad as I think. However, I am skeptical because she has not been in the profession yet.
So long story short. I am concerned about what life will be like married to a Nurse. She has her heart set on ER nurseing and possibly Main OR. Considering I am in buisness and not medical profession. Everything I know is based on drama shows like ER and Trama etc. So I started thinking and I came up with the follwoing red flags that really concern me.
1. I don't want her to put herself in danger. There appreantly is a lot of disease and virus that are fatal out there. I am afraid if she is working in the ER that she might get AIDS if there is a bleeder and she gets blood in her eye Or if she gets stuck by a needle. So I feel she is in a dangerous postion over this.
2. I see alot of ER jobs out there that require shift work. Since my career bassically allows only for a 8-6 type of schdule. I am afraid that I will never see her if she get stuck on a 7-7 shift or so. The thought of comming home to an empty house and being alone until she has off next frightens me. I want to be able to some home and share each others day. Also we plan on having children so I don't understand how we can have children if she has so many messed up hours.
3. Holidays are important to the both of us. But since we have plans to move from NJ to out west. We will only have each other. Our familys will be behind. I don't really want to spend Christmas all alone.
4. The show ER is scary.... Does any of that stuff actually happen? If not then why is nursing considered one of the highest risk jobs you can have?
Overall I know it sounds like its all about me. But honestly it is. I want to make sure I know what I am getting into and the pitfalls I might face before I continue with the Marriage talk. Are my concerns warrented or am I just being smothering?
Any real life experinces and advice would be helpful. Someone out there must be married and a nurse. Who can offers some real life insight and not drama show life. I am looking for anyone who can really tell me how it is and perhaps made a marriage work by having night shift work.
Specializes in Trauma,ER,CCU/OHU/Nsg Ed/Nsg Research.
I think quite a few of us picked up on the trust and abandonment issue, and it seemed to be confirmed in your post about your mother. Tons of us out here have dealt with that same problems, but a word of advice here- it's something that needs to be worked on in order to sustain a happy, healthy relationship with someone else. It just is. Speaking from personal experience, those things can cause you to place unneeded restraints and demands on a partner, no matter how much they prove to you that they aren't going to cheat on you, leave you, etc. All those fears come from within you. And I'm sure you know they have more to do with your mother than your fiancee.
Something else- if you work in a hospital, aren't you being exposed to those very same organisms you're afraid of your fiancee being exposed to? Or are the only organisms you're afraid of Doctors? If you want to see how Drs feel about us nurses, go here: http://forums.studentdoctor.net/ and do a search for the word "nurse." They liken us to trained monkeys, etc- not very nice. Maybe that would show you that they aren't spending lots of time fantasizing about humping us...more like they spend lots of time trying to figure out ways irritate us.
I work in the corporate offices on the 20th floors... the main hospital is located basement to 4th floor..I have no interaction with hospital workers.. I only help out the university employees of Columbia Univeristy Medical Center.
So I have a physical location at the hopsital however, I do not work for the hospital. I see patients in the lobby and doctors when the elevators stop on certain floors.. they are always talking about some scary ****..Like so and so got stuck with a needle and it might be fatal or so and so got punched in the face by a pateietn and now she needs reconstructive surgery... Thats really what got me thinking.
I have tried to find people to talk to me about it that work here..but noone cares to help the healthy i guess..and rightfully so...who am i to try to have them answer my questions when someone needs meds or real comfort
Okay, it's clearer now. Now, keep in mind that all these horror stories that you hear are just that HORROR stories and they are the ones everyone wants to tell. How often do these same people tell you happy, good stories? Probably not as much...we all like to dwell on the "out-there" experiences of life. KWIM?
I think quite a few of us picked up on the trust and abandonment issue, and it seemed to be confirmed in your post about your mother. Tons of us out here have dealt with that same problems, but a word of advice here- it's something that needs to be worked on in order to sustain a happy, healthy relationship with someone else. It just is. Speaking from personal experience, those things can cause you to place unneeded restraints and demands on a partner, no matter how much they prove to you that they aren't going to cheat on you, leave you, etc. All those fears come from within you. And I'm sure you know they have more to do with your mother than your fiancee.
Something else- if you work in a hospital, aren't you being exposed to those very same organisms you're afraid of your fiancee being exposed to? Or are the only organisms you're afraid of Doctors? If you want to see how Drs feel about us nurses, go here: http://forums.studentdoctor.net/ and do a search for the word "nurse." They liken us to trained monkeys, etc- not very nice. Maybe that would show you that they aren't spending lots of time fantasizing about humping us...more like they spend lots of time trying to figure out ways irritate us.
I work in the upper floors of the hospital in the university admin areas. It all connects to be about 7 blocks wide and long..if you knew where the hospital part was comapred to where I am... you would consider me way out of the way
Okay, it's clearer now. Now, keep in mind that all these horror stories that you hear are just that HORROR stories and they are the ones everyone wants to tell. How often do these same people tell you happy, good stories? Probably not as much...we all like to dwell on the "out-there" experiences of life. KWIM?
True horror is better then happy go lucky....but come on these a pretty bad horrors... I mean reconstructive sugery.. fatal needle stabs... i hear new ones in the elevator everyday.. Weird stuff too.. like how many drug addicts come in looking for needles and fight with everyone but you can't fight back....Not because you don't want to...but because you don't want to treat them after you kick their butts.... I mean scary stuff here
make me unconfortable that the one person i care about might have to deal with this stuff on a constent basis.... one gun, one stick, one crazy guy could end that
but everyone here tells me their is alot of securtiy in the area she wants to work in... so thats a postiive that shut those fears up
Specializes in LTC,Hospice/palliative care,acute care.
I think you need to learn what a healthy relationship IS before you worry about learning what nursing entails.This picture in your head of a quiet evening at the dinner table discussing your day is unrealistic...Dood....that is TV-not always real life.I am tired-he is tired-Kids are crying cats are puking hairballs,housework needs to be done (probably NOT by you)I think that your issues are going to give you problems no matter WHAT your significant other does-if you keep her barefoot and pregnant you will STILL find a reason to be jealous and dount your relationship...You came here for advice and have gotten some good stuff-did you know that we nurses learn some psychology,too?....
"And as far as the heat comments and being upset when getting slammed? Let me ask you when you tell a person that they are going to die from cancer when they look toward you to make them feel better... Do you just say...........
"Hey your going to die from cancer and your family is going to be left alone and you will not be their to see your kids graduate from college and you will never know your grandchildren LOL ohhhh does that bother you...well we tell it like it is... and if you don't like it get out of the kitchen."
Yes, that's exactly what I do. What do you think? But we weren't talking about you dying in 6 mos now were we?
so I can support her on all her decsions
Maybe this is part of what confuses me. On the one hand you say this, but then at least a couple other times you state "before I continue with the Marraige talk"... this language indicates that you would potentially NOT continue the Marraige talk, yet when people ask you say "of course I would still marry her geez why are you slamming me?" Do you see how this is confusing?
Considering everyone thinks that the posting was sooo true (regarding this post: "Better call the wedding off. She'll work screwed up hours. She'll get blood-puke-poop-snot-and alot of other stuff splattered on her. She'll work holidays. She'll be at risk for needle sticks. She'll be exposed to lots and lots of infectious disease. She'll be at higher than normal risk for being addicted to drugs/alcohol. She'll be stressed out alot. She'll work with horny-*** doctors that will try and hump her.")
and I shouldn't get mad at it I guess now I get to worry about all the doctors hitting on my future wife.. PERFECT! I have to worry about her using drugs PERFECT!!
Why would you worry about someone hitting on your wife? That is going to be a problem because obviously a guy or two or more is going to hit on your wife at some point in life no matter what she does.
And as you can read, the poster did not say that she'd use drugs, but that she'd be at higher risk - two different things. You totally assume the worst. You know, the biggest risk of injury in life is probably riding in a car, and most people do that every day.
I'm still kind of with the sarcastic poster... you seem to have very strict ideals and fears that seem out of proportion to the way I would say most people feel about the issues surrounding employment as a nurse and I don't know if you will be able to handle the issues your are curious about. This would be one of various reasons to find someone to talk to about said issues. What would therapy hurt? You don't have to be a nutcase to go to counseling, sometimes a counselor can just help you sort things out, put things in perspective, and make decisions. Or like I said before, even maybe just talking to an older person (with a lot of life experience to draw on) that you trust would help you sort it out.
Also, you keep coming back to the thing about truly wanting to know exactly what nurses do, you should probably be more persistant in finding out how you can observe them. Try calling the volunteer office at the hospital in your building rather than asking a nurse who is in the middle of a shift. Actually really watching them and being able to ask someone questions in that setting would be more effective than asking on a bulletin board, especially since you still seem unsure after all of these people have responded to your inquiry. Best wishes.
[quote name=... and doctors when the elevators stop on certain floors.. they are always talking about some scary ****..Like so and so got stuck with a needle and it might be fatal or so and so got punched in the face by a pateietn and now she needs reconstructive surgery... Thats really what got me thinking.
I have tried to find people to talk to me about it that work here..but noone cares to help the healthy i guess..and rightfully so...who am i to try to have them answer my questions when someone needs meds or real comfort[/quote]
Come on, dude, you have got to be smarter than this. You know that this stuff is the age - old game of telephone! You know, I tell so-and-so that my cat is 6lbs, brown and white with stripes. By the time the story gets back to me cat is now 60 lbs, has two heads, eats the mailman for lunch and sleeps upside down like a bat -- see what I'm getting at? We all love to exaggerate and play the pity game.
The reason these docs are talking about this stuff is because it is so unusual! Why talk about the boring, everyday stuff that comes your way when the stuff that's really fun to discuss is the unusual stuff? (Please see thread on unusual, disgusting, yucky stories).
As for helping the healthy, every nurse I know would rather do 60 minutes of preventative teaching, explaining, demonstrating, educating, etc to the healthy than spend 5 minutes giving medication to someone who's problems could have been so easily avoided. To label us as "not being willing to help the healthy" is unfair.
You came here for help on what it's like to be married to a nurse, but you're attacking the very people who are trying to answer your questions.
You have earned yourself a "quit your complaining" lecture.
Healthy people do not come to the ER on a regular basis. That's a fact. People who are inpatients in hospitals today are far more ill than they were 10 years ago. They get home care, outpatient care, etc. Not every patient needs to be an inpatient. Those who are are pretty darned sick.
I gave you an honest evaluation of how my husband sees our marriage and how we manage our relationship. He knows that my work means the world to me and that I receive profound joy from making a difference in people's lives -- which goes far beyond a paycheck. I come home exhausted, with aching feet and an aching back, with a serious case of caregiver burnout some days. He understands, cooks dinner, draws a bath for me, or gets me a beer -- whatever I may happen to need. Some days I need reassurance. Some days I'm just quiet about my day and don't want to talk, but he's the best husband on the planet because he takes his cues from my behavior, and, I hope, I do the same for him.
That's what marriage is all about, zillions of people do it every day. Some days are better than others. Just be good to her! There are no 1950's style marriages out there these days. She's not likely to be waiting with martini's and dinner on the table for you and for sure she won't be if you expect her to mind the "young 'uns" while you're off doing "man's work". It's equality.
I take offense to people (read YOU) who demonize those who are going out of there way to help YOU and pout when they don't like the answers. You came to US, a community of educated, hard working, dedicated people who put up with a lot of crap from a lot of people and go back to it EVERY DAY and shake off the bad stuff. Please grow up and get premarital counseling. Or wait 5 years to get married. And please, please, do not show up in my ER.
If you want to see how Drs feel about us nurses, go here: http://forums.studentdoctor.net/ and do a search for the word "nurse." They liken us to trained monkeys, etc- not very nice.
Just for fun, I checked out one of their political threads. (Thank goodness for fast Internet connections.) What a NASTY, hate-filled bunch these student doctors are! The overweening egos show right through. Their low level of discourse makes this board look like a cloud full of angels. They don't show much intellectual depth, either. This board is a bunch of ancient Greek philosophers by comparison. If they're any representation of what up-and-coming doctors are like, we have much to fear...
"And as far as the heat comments and being upset when getting slammed? Let me ask you when you tell a person that they are going to die from cancer when they look toward you to make them feel better... Do you just say...........
"Hey your going to die from cancer and your family is going to be left alone and you will not be their to see your kids graduate from college and you will never know your grandchildren LOL ohhhh does that bother you...well we tell it like it is... and if you don't like it get out of the kitchen."
Yes, that's exactly what I do. What do you think? But we weren't talking about you dying in 6 mos now were we?
Based on your response listed in the quote above... I no longer need to entertain anymore of your posts.. The fact that you can actually be that cruel to someone your telling that they are going to die from cancer without any sympathy or heart involved just shows me your in no position to offer any advice to me whatsoever
[quote name=... and doctors when the elevators stop on certain floors.. they are always talking about some scary ****..Like so and so got stuck with a needle and it might be fatal or so and so got punched in the face by a pateietn and now she needs reconstructive surgery... Thats really what got me thinking.
I have tried to find people to talk to me about it that work here..but noone cares to help the healthy i guess..and rightfully so...who am i to try to have them answer my questions when someone needs meds or real comfort[/quote]Come on, dude, you have got to be smarter than this. You know that this stuff is the age - old game of telephone! You know, I tell so-and-so that my cat is 6lbs, brown and white with stripes. By the time the story gets back to me cat is now 60 lbs, has two heads, eats the mailman for lunch and sleeps upside down like a bat -- see what I'm getting at? We all love to exaggerate and play the pity game.
The reason these docs are talking about this stuff is because it is so unusual! Why talk about the boring, everyday stuff that comes your way when the stuff that's really fun to discuss is the unusual stuff? (Please see thread on unusual, disgusting, yucky stories).
As for helping the healthy, every nurse I know would rather do 60 minutes of preventative teaching, explaining, demonstrating, educating, etc to the healthy than spend 5 minutes giving medication to someone who's problems could have been so easily avoided. To label us as "not being willing to help the healthy" is unfair.
You came here for help on what it's like to be married to a nurse, but you're attacking the very people who are trying to answer your questions.
You have earned yourself a "quit your complaining" lecture.
Healthy people do not come to the ER on a regular basis. That's a fact. People who are inpatients in hospitals today are far more ill than they were 10 years ago. They get home care, outpatient care, etc. Not every patient needs to be an inpatient. Those who are are pretty darned sick.
I gave you an honest evaluation of how my husband sees our marriage and how we manage our relationship. He knows that my work means the world to me and that I receive profound joy from making a difference in people's lives -- which goes far beyond a paycheck. I come home exhausted, with aching feet and an aching back, with a serious case of caregiver burnout some days. He understands, cooks dinner, draws a bath for me, or gets me a beer -- whatever I may happen to need. Some days I need reassurance. Some days I'm just quiet about my day and don't want to talk, but he's the best husband on the planet because he takes his cues from my behavior, and, I hope, I do the same for him.
That's what marriage is all about, zillions of people do it every day. Some days are better than others. Just be good to her! There are no 1950's style marriages out there these days. She's not likely to be waiting with martini's and dinner on the table for you and for sure she won't be if you expect her to mind the "young 'uns" while you're off doing "man's work". It's equality.
I take offense to people (read YOU) who demonize those who are going out of there way to help YOU and pout when they don't like the answers. You came to US, a community of educated, hard working, dedicated people who put up with a lot of crap from a lot of people and go back to it EVERY DAY and shake off the bad stuff. Please grow up and get premarital counseling. Or wait 5 years to get married. And please, please, do not show up in my ER.
Well sharon first off you state -
To label us as "not being willing to help the healthy" is unfair.
I labled no such terms what I said was when i try to talk to the nurses about their jobs the elevator opens and they have to run off to people who really need help rather then trying to explin to me..someone just going off to work lunch or home about what they do... DON"T PUT WORDS IN MY MOUTH
I demonize those people who look at the people and think...There crazy and make fun of their situations... And try to avoid the entire topic at hand and go off labeling me as some sort of freak... Maybe the real reason people like you wanna bash me is because I am making sure about what my future holds... To the point where it will not matter about drawing baths or fetching dinner or sitting their quiet because poor baby had a rough day.... Maybe what I want is to find the person who I come home to and just enjoy them... and makes the rest of the day dissapear.
If you have such issues with me and my postings THEN DON"T RESPOND...leave it to the people who are taking time to see where i am comming from and not trying to brush me off.......
Here u wish i never show up in your ER...but then u try to tell how great it is to help someone.... contradictions all over....Next time read my postings word by word and slowly.. and realize I am not bashing the nurse professions
I think you need to learn what a healthy relationship IS before you worry about learning what nursing entails.This picture in your head of a quiet evening at the dinner table discussing your day is unrealistic...Dood....that is TV-not always real life.I am tired-he is tired-Kids are crying cats are puking hairballs,housework needs to be done (probably NOT by you)I think that your issues are going to give you problems no matter WHAT your significant other does-if you keep her barefoot and pregnant you will STILL find a reason to be jealous and dount your relationship...You came here for advice and have gotten some good stuff-did you know that we nurses learn some psychology,too?....
Again I don't understand what 1 posting has to do with my entrie relationship....Tell you what... why don't u tell me what a healthy relatinship is.
This picture in your head of a quiet evening at the dinner table discussing your day is unrealistic
How can u say this is unrealitic??? everyone i know who is married be it 3 years or 30 years of marriage have this.
You came here for advice and have gotten some good stuff-did you know that we nurses learn some psychology,too?....
Actually YES I DID... However they don't learn it very well..A few classes and everyone is trying to analyze me and lable me as a bad BF and realtionship retarted.... Wrong AGIN...
BBFRN, BSN, PhD
3,779 Posts
I think quite a few of us picked up on the trust and abandonment issue, and it seemed to be confirmed in your post about your mother. Tons of us out here have dealt with that same problems, but a word of advice here- it's something that needs to be worked on in order to sustain a happy, healthy relationship with someone else. It just is. Speaking from personal experience, those things can cause you to place unneeded restraints and demands on a partner, no matter how much they prove to you that they aren't going to cheat on you, leave you, etc. All those fears come from within you. And I'm sure you know they have more to do with your mother than your fiancee.
Something else- if you work in a hospital, aren't you being exposed to those very same organisms you're afraid of your fiancee being exposed to? Or are the only organisms you're afraid of Doctors? If you want to see how Drs feel about us nurses, go here: http://forums.studentdoctor.net/ and do a search for the word "nurse." They liken us to trained monkeys, etc- not very nice. Maybe that would show you that they aren't spending lots of time fantasizing about humping us...more like they spend lots of time trying to figure out ways irritate us.