Marriage to a Nurse-- Need HELP

[NeedAdvice1234]

Hi everyone.

I am nto a nurse, however I am in a serious relationship with a Student Nurse. We have been talking marriage for some time now but she needs to graduate school. She will be done with her RN by December 2005. As you can see its right around the corner.

Anyway, I have a lot of concerns and she tries to reassure me that my concerns are not warrented nor will they be as bad as I think. However, I am skeptical because she has not been in the profession yet.

So long story short. I am concerned about what life will be like married to a Nurse. She has her heart set on ER nurseing and possibly Main OR. Considering I am in buisness and not medical profession. Everything I know is based on drama shows like ER and Trama etc. So I started thinking and I came up with the follwoing red flags that really concern me.

1. I don't want her to put herself in danger. There appreantly is a lot of disease and virus that are fatal out there. I am afraid if she is working in the ER that she might get AIDS if there is a bleeder and she gets blood in her eye Or if she gets stuck by a needle. So I feel she is in a dangerous postion over this.

2. I see alot of ER jobs out there that require shift work. Since my career bassically allows only for a 8-6 type of schdule. I am afraid that I will never see her if she get stuck on a 7-7 shift or so. The thought of comming home to an empty house and being alone until she has off next frightens me. I want to be able to some home and share each others day. Also we plan on having children so I don't understand how we can have children if she has so many messed up hours.

3. Holidays are important to the both of us. But since we have plans to move from NJ to out west. We will only have each other. Our familys will be behind. I don't really want to spend Christmas all alone.

4. The show ER is scary.... Does any of that stuff actually happen? If not then why is nursing considered one of the highest risk jobs you can have?

Overall I know it sounds like its all about me. But honestly it is. I want to make sure I know what I am getting into and the pitfalls I might face before I continue with the Marriage talk. Are my concerns warrented or am I just being smothering?

Any real life experinces and advice would be helpful. Someone out there must be married and a nurse. Who can offers some real life insight and not drama show life. I am looking for anyone who can really tell me how it is and perhaps made a marriage work by having night shift work.

Thank you all in advace.

[teeituptom, BSN, RN]

My wife was a nurse also

we never had any problems

and 7 kids and 30 yrs later

we still dont

[fergus51]

http://www.avert.org/needlestick.htm

This is a good link. Consider the fact that there are like 2 million nurses in the US and look at the numbers.

[Elenaster]

TV shows about the Emergency Department focus on the "guts and glory" aspects of trauma care. Unless she plans on working in a Level I trauma center, she probably won't be spending much time with those extremely critical "bloodbath" type patients because they are usually transferred

Far more ED patients are what I used to call the "walk in clinic" variety. Mainly people that think every minor ailment needs immediate medical attention, or those unfortunate folks that have no access to healthcare other than the ED. Many ED patients are never even admitted to the hospital. You also have more than your fair share of drunks, druggies, and mentally ill folks, but you are trained to deal with them and the only time I ever felt unsafe about my job in the ED was the night before I started working there.

[dawngloves, BSN, RN]

Where is it listed that nursing is one of the highest risk jobs there is? I thought truck driver and convience store worker were?

What happens on ER in one episode happens in a level I trauma center in one month. Even on those TLC shows, those are taped over a week. Cram as much excitment into an hour as you can.

With so many regulations in place as far as needless systems and contact precautions, HIV of Hep C aquired from a needlestick are slim.If anything I worry about my co workers coming to work sick and spreading the joy to me!

As far as schedualing goes, yeah, she'll work 7-7, but three days a week leaving 4 for you.And you won't be together every Christmas, no. But I agree, you do sound a little selfish whining about being alone at Christmas than, "My poor wife working Christmas"

My schedual alows me to be at home with my kids during the week and my husband watches them weekends. I miss a lot of friend and family things, but my kids are #1. My schedual keeps them out of daycare and my paycheck buys them alot of things I never had as a kid. Trips, parties, their own room.

Hey, have you discussed any of this with her?

[CVnurse08]

I am not a nurse yet and am too not married but I know for certain that being in nursing school is a WHOLE LOT more time-consuming than being a nurse. Because let's face it: in school you not only have the never-ending school and clinical hours but you also have hours and hours of homework and still have to work for money whereas once you graduate you go to work, work your shift, and come home to your family. That's just my perspective on it anyway.

[Tweety, BSN, RN]

If you truly care about her you'll let her follow her path.

Here you are thinking about marriage and yet you want to keep her from what SHE wants to do.

Would you be willing to change your livelyhood to fit around her schedule?

You should think about this.

-R

Excellent advice Rusty! Love and marriage takes committment and sacrifice. Love her enough not to hold her back but to let her go. She's going to need a lot of love, support and understanding during school and beyond. Isn't that what you expect of her, because you're schedule is going to be very inconvient for her either.

This is not a slam, because you have some very valid concerns. Concerns that a lot of spouses have and kudos to you for asking and trying to educate yourself.

[mstewart]

I didn't mean to attack you like a pitbull or anything. Repeat after me "Everythign on TV is not reality".

Here is an idea...ask her where she wants to work. You or your fiancee call that hospital and talk to the HR dept. See if they would be willing to let her shadow a nurse or talk to a nurse in whatever dept. she is thinking she wants to work in. That might give you-and her-some insight on what life is like for a nurse in that hospital. I know some suburban hospitals have set schedules and not swing shifts.

I kind of think you are freaking out about this a little. You're making assumptions about nursing...and you need to get information.

I also think you need to look at the bigger picture...there are going to be a LOT more serious things you 2 will have to deal with as a couple than her work shedule. If her schedule doesn't work out...she can work somewhere else.

You have to forgive me-but you just don't seem very supportive of her career choice. And that's fine...I'm not marrying you-so I don't really care. But, I agree with Rusty.

BTW--our "perks" aren't in cash bonuses for reaching or sales goals, or free club membership through the firm.

It is knowing that we helped someone...improve their health...care for the ill...saved a life...whatever. I'd like to see some one in accounting get that kind of satisifaction from their job.

[OriginalWmn]

In response to the HIV concern. If you are stuck with a needle from an HIV infected person the chances of infection are

Also, most hospitals use "needleless" systems so your chances of even being stuck are greatly reduced. Your fiance can ask in the interview process whether a hospital has needleless and safety needles, etc.

Hope this helps. I think you care about your fiance. You just sound like a worrier.

[sharann, BSN, RN]

I think it's great that you are asking these questions BEFORE you get married since marraige is not to be taken lightly. That said, I don't think that it is the nursing that worries you. You seem to be more distressed about things that you may find lacking in her personality. Would she be home waiting for you with a drink in hand and a big kiss when you arrive? Does she want children? Does she want you to take care of her and be the main support?She could make more money than you at some point. Is this an issue? Maybe your fiancee/girlfriend is not quite as much of a homebody as you desire in a forever spouse.

You can NOT marry her on the basis that she says she will change. You must want her the way she is NOW. I work part-time and some weeks full time depending on needs at work/home. Home comes first for me. My husband fully supports my need to come home and "de-brief" with him just as I allow HIM the same courtesy. It's called marraige. A partnership.Also, nursing school is MUCH, MUCH more stressful and time consuming than working as a nurse, ESPECIALLY since your S.O is working and going to school. She doesn't have time for you now. This is the truth. Give her a break.

Good luck to you.

[SmilingBluEyes]

I suggest marriage classes BEFORE you even THINK of getting married. you are not clear on what it's about, not by a long shot.

best wishes to you!

[Stitchie]

I am new to the ED after 6 months on a floor -- I hated it floor nursing. There was actually FAR LESS support and "security" around to help when patients/family got out of control, especially on a PM shift. In the ED she will have TONS of people around for security. The ED is one place where you can count on having male nurses around, which is great for patients/family out of control. Older people just seem to respond better to a male voice and behave themselves.

I work in a Chicago ED which is about as far from ER as you can get -- even though I love the show! Our ED sees a 70year old + population along with some younger people, but today my patients were 96, 85, 86, 35, 44, 81, 63. None of them were out of control, violent, or bleeding profusely. They mostly came in because they were either having chest pain, shortness of breath, constipated, detoxing, miscarrying, or bored. Average day in the ER. Do I have concerns about safety? Yes, its barely-controlled chaos, but the staff work together to manage the insanity and are really good to each other. That is so important.

The reality is that your fiancee can tailor her hours to suit her lifestyle. Her schedule will be flexible and ever-changing. Yes, she will have to work weekends and holidays, but that's not much different from my husband traveling overnight. I use the time to develop my own interests, and encourage my husband to do the same. That's the insight I would give to you. Nothing else in life is guaranteed, so if you love this woman, remember that nursing gives intangible rewards (and an endless supply of pharm-rep pens) of astonishing proportions.

ED nursing is unlike floor nursing in that you see people at their best and at their worst. You learn to deal with it. Your fears of HIV transmission are perhaps a bit exaggerated; I never worry about HIV (we just don't see it in our patient population) but am concerned about things like Hep C, and I must be careful. It's true we must be careful, but that's where universal precautions come in, and schools and hospitals DRILL it into new nurses. You'd be crazy to touch anybody or not wash your hands after each patient contact. It's just good practice, for yourself if not for your loved ones.

Be patient. Allow the future to unfold itself.

[BBFRN, BSN, PhD]

I agree with everything Sharann said. Do you trust your fiancee to be able to run her own life, and juggle home & career? You're going to have to trust that she can handle it all before you guys get married. I'm married, work 7p-7a in a Level 1 trauma center (BTW, TLC was in our facility for a whole month, 24/7 taping for 1 episode). I also have kids, am back in school via distance learning, and do have time for career and marriage. As far as holidays- we are required to work 1 main holiday, and 1 lesser one if we are full time. It's really not that bad as we get to pick which ones we want at the beginning of the year. I'm PRN right now, so I have a very flexible schedule. Keep in mind that she might have to have some seniority to get a PRN position though, because a lot of hospitals won't hire PRN- they'd rather have a full time commitment from new hires.

You don't seem to carry much trust in what she tells you herself about her career plans, otherwise you wouldn't be here asking us what really goes on. Marriage class is a great idea. If you can't give her enough trust to allow her to make her own career choices while at the same time considering you and the welfare of you marriage, that could be a problem. If she's juggled school and work, and has made it this far, she's already shown she can handle huge amounts of stress and responsibility. What more do you want from her? I had an ex that brought up concerns like this while I was in nursing school. It turned out that his problem was more of a control issue, and fear of my independence once I got done. He was also afraid of the boost in self-esteem I got from being good at something so important to me. He would also accuse me of trying to find a Dr. at work to be leave him for (gack). I got rid of him, and am now married to someone who loves to watch me soar. He proudly says he's married to a nurse, and has no complaints regarding my career choices. Which guy do you want to be?