Is my husband being unreasonable? - page 5

I currently work a med-surg position that is 12 hour days with no weekends. We all know how hard and challenging med-surg is and I have no great love for it. In fact when my required six months is up... Read More

  1. Visit  Nurse ABC profile page
    2
    Everyone makes such valid points! I agree older siblings shouldn't expect compensation for helping out the family esp when their car, gas, phone, etc is all provided for them. However, I also see nothing wrong with providing extra compensation as well when it's not expected or prevents them from working. I'm not dissatisfied by life at all-just my job. This is my second stent through med-surg and I still don't like it. I only took it to get my foot in the door. I have done the specialty I'm trying to move to before and loved it but left due to dangerous staffing levels. I'm in a different facility now and just want to be back in an area I love and enjoy again. If it's going to create too many problems for my family I will wait. My husband would support me if I insisted it's what I really want to do. I haven't insisted yet because I didn't know if it was even reasonable to ask our 18 yr old to help out which they are happy to do-yes I've asked. My husband is very over-protective because of the crap he deals with so i wasn't sure how reasonable he was being compared to most people hence the original question. I haven't even bid on another position yet-was just trying to get the ducks all in a row to see if I should even bid. Thanks to all! It's been a very interesting thread!
    ArrowRN and JBudd like this.
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  3. Visit  Spidey's mom profile page
    2
    Why don't you find a job that is more family-friendly? How about a free-standing surgical center? Weekdays only. No weekends. No holidays. Many of my friends with kids did this - it worked for their families. You don't have to have your dream job.

    I think your husband has a very good point.

    Another poster mentioned this not being fair to the 18 year old. I agree with that. On an occasional basis, yes, the 18 year old could watch the kids. But it is not the 18 year old's job to raise the sibilings. It is the parents' job.

    We all come at this from personal experiences. I was the eldest and I was expected to care for my 3 younger siblings. It wasn't a good idea.

    I think you and your husband should work your own schedule around so one of you is available for your kids. Teenagers can get in so much trouble and they still need their parents.

    (Wondering if you are letting your husband read this thread? If so, kudos to him from me).
    Altra and Meriwhen like this.
  4. Visit  questioningRN profile page
    5
    This is not something I talk about much, but, if I can help another person... its worth it. I was the picture of what you explained as your 18 year old, except I was 13. I became a birth-father at 13, and my parents where so shocked they said to me "we thought you where gay" and I am... Now I am 34, my twins are 20 years old and recently we connected via FB.... They where shocked to find that I was so young when they where born.... I was a good kid too, and I do not think that what I did makes me a bad person, but it did teach me that teenagers are pretty smart in keeping parents in the dark.... I use to skip school, take the train to Boston for the day, when I was 12-16, my parents had NO clue.... Also, I worked as a pedi/adol psych rn for 7 years, and the things the kids told me- that the parents did not know- where shocking. I am an advocate for trusting your kids, but only as far as you can throw them.... even the best kids (I was a Nazarene Youth Delegate Leader) and lead a double life.... We want to trust our kids, but from my experience, I would err on the side of caution, just my two cents!
    Fiona59, rita359, Spidey's mom, and 2 others like this.
  5. Visit  jadelpn profile page
    0
    Quote from Wendy79
    My mom worked in the schools, so she came home every afternoon at the same time we did, in high school. I noticed that most of my friends/acquaintances who didn't have a parent at home in the afternoon... if they were going to get into "trouble" that was the time. Drinking, sex, drugs, shoplifting... everyone knew this was the stretch of the day when there was no parental supervision. (These days, I would add internet porn, chatrooms, cyber-bullying.) It's not that most of the time they consciously said "This is when my parents are out"--it just kind of followed that there was this free time and no adults knew the difference. And I'm talking about "nice", intelligent kids--kids are kids. Some get into trouble, some don't. But I think a regular period of no-parental-supervision leaves that door wide open. Even if YOUR kids aren't interested in any of that, what if their friends start asking "Hey, are both your parents at work tonight? We could..."

    Several people have posted examples here of how they grew up in a situation like this and "turned out just fine", but I think you would find plenty of other people for whom it didn't. Even if nothing dramatic happens, I think it's good for teens to have a sense of security and benign supervision. I was raised to be very independent and confident in my choices, but I think knowing my mother (in my case, she was the one at home) was by default keeping tabs on me and my siblings helped me make good choices and gave me an easy way to say "no" to peer pressure. Honestly, because of developmental stages, I'd be more likely to leave an 8-year-old at home regularly than a 14-year-old.
    Depends on the parents, depends on the kids, depends on a great deal. With all sorts of parental controls in place for computers and TV, if you feel you need that for your kids, so be it. Rules are rules with consequences. With plans and boundries, depending on the dynamics between the kids. Trial periods are good things. I know that if I came home (or not) and/or participated in some of the above behavior, my parents would have kicked my butt. Period. But that takes raising one's kids that way. Which seemingly, the OP has done--her 18 yo is responisble, not into the party scene, and is willing to hang with the younger kids while parents work.
  6. Visit  jadelpn profile page
    0
    Quote from kacsper
    This is not something I talk about much, but, if I can help another person... its worth it. I was the picture of what you explained as your 18 year old, except I was 13. I became a birth-father at 13, and my parents where so shocked they said to me "we thought you where gay" and I am... Now I am 34, my twins are 20 years old and recently we connected via FB.... They where shocked to find that I was so young when they where born.... I was a good kid too, and I do not think that what I did makes me a bad person, but it did teach me that teenagers are pretty smart in keeping parents in the dark.... I use to skip school, take the train to Boston for the day, when I was 12-16, my parents had NO clue.... Also, I worked as a pedi/adol psych rn for 7 years, and the things the kids told me- that the parents did not know- where shocking. I am an advocate for trusting your kids, but only as far as you can throw them.... even the best kids (I was a Nazarene Youth Delegate Leader) and lead a double life.... We want to trust our kids, but from my experience, I would err on the side of caution, just my two cents!
    As an aside, now parents can track kids with their cell phones. There are many parents of incredibly "good kids" that keep tabs, often. The school calls if your child isn't there on time. Lots of things in place that were not around 20 years ago.

    kacsper, thank you for sharing your story.
  7. Visit  cardiacrocks profile page
    0
    What is your dream position? What position is it that you are going to try for? Not sure why you won't say. Is there a particular reason you won't divulge the information?
  8. Visit  Spidey's mom profile page
    0
    Quote from cardiacrocks
    What is your dream position? What position is it that you are going to try for? Not sure why you won't say. Is there a particular reason you won't divulge the information?
    Just wanted to mention that we don't have to have our dream jobs. We shouldn't be abused or mistreated at our jobs and we shouldn't work ourselves to death.

    But I know many parents of young, middle and almost out of the house kids who took jobs that work for the family. They didn't expect the spouse and the kids to pay the price for the "dream job".

    I just don't think there is a dream job . . . . no job is perfect.

    For me, family trumps the job.
  9. Visit  cardiacrocks profile page
    0
    Quote from Spidey's mom
    Just wanted to mention that we don't have to have our dream jobs. We shouldn't be abused or mistreated at our jobs and we shouldn't work ourselves to death.

    But I know many parents of young, middle and almost out of the house kids who took jobs that work for the family. They didn't expect the spouse and the kids to pay the price for the "dream job".

    I just don't think there is a dream job . . . . no job is perfect.

    For me, family trumps the job.
    This I know, I'm just curious what job "she" is trying to obtain, that's all. I for one know there is no such thing as "the perfect job." As a matter of fact, nothing in life is perfect. Also, no where did she mention that she was being abused at her current job, she just doesn't care for med-surg, not sure where you came up with that statement. We all have different outlook on life and our jobs, I for one do work a lot, I work a great deal of over time as well, that is what works for me, I know it doesn't work for everyone. She can do whatever she wishes to do, that is her business, I get that. I'm just wondering what type of job she is looking to obtain, I'm just nosy I guess, lol.
  10. Visit  Spidey's mom profile page
    1
    Quote from cardiacrocks
    This I know, I'm just curious what job "she" is trying to obtain, that's all. I for one know there is no such thing as "the perfect job." As a matter of fact, nothing in life is perfect. Also, no where did she mention that she was being abused at her current job, she just doesn't care for med-surg, not sure where you came up with that statement. We all have different outlook on life and our jobs, I for one do work a lot, I work a great deal of over time as well, that is what works for me, I know it doesn't work for everyone. She can do whatever she wishes to do, that is her business, I get that. I'm just wondering what type of job she is looking to obtain, I'm just nosy I guess, lol.
    I was only clarifying my "dream job" comment . . . hoping that people wouldn't interpret my comment as saying there is no dream job and you must stay at a job where you are mistreated, etc.

    I did not think she was being mistreated at her job.

    Sorry if I was not clear.

    I too am curious about what job she is looking for and that is a legit question.

    I took a job that works for our family. Very part-time for hospice and part-time for the school district. I'm at my son's school 3 days a week. I'm usually finished when he is finished with school.

    I love hospice but school nursing is not my dream job. But I get medical insurance and I get weekends and summers and holidays off, just like the teachers.

    That's worth it to me.
    cardiacrocks likes this.
  11. Visit  rita359 profile page
    2
    Have not read many responses but as a mother of 2 now grown sons who were left alone for a couple hour after school until I got home from day shift I vote NO. Too many bad things can happen even while you are there. Kids make bad decisions, even the most responsible give in to peer pressure. You do not want to look back with regret.
    kakamegamama and Meriwhen like this.
  12. Visit  Nurse ABC profile page
    0
    I loved working on OB. I wasn't trying to hide anything-just didn't think it really mattered to the discussion. As it is now, my kids get home at 3pm and I don't get home until 8pm. That's a lot of time by themselves. I don't like it. Of course, my husband is off some of those days or is getting home around 6pm or leaving at 6pm for work. If I worked nights I would get to see them after school, help with homework, and get supper before I left. I felt like that may be better than getting home in time for them to get ready for bed. I'm also looking for jobs out of the hospital but until I find something I want my time there more bearable. I'm not being abused but I'm tired of working short-staffed, having 7-8 pts by myself, being made to work more than I was hired for, etc. Will the other job in a different area be perfect-of course not. I was not expecting it to. I know exactly what it's like and it can be very stressful too but at least I would enjoy the patient population more. Like I said, I'm still trying to figure out the best plan of action.
  13. Visit  Spidey's mom profile page
    1
    It's been awhile since I've had that many patients. I understand your wish to change, I really do.

    There's one member here on AN who works weekends (I think every other weekend) in post-partum so she can be home for her family the rest of the time. Her husband is with their kiddoes when she is at work.

    When I worked bedside at our small rural hospital, I worked OB, ER, Post-op, acute . . basically everywhere. I liked ER best. Our shift was 0300 to 1500. So, I was up at 0130 to shower and get to work at 0245 when report began. I worked more than full-time. I did it for 9 years and I was exhausted most of the time. It was next to impossible to get enough sleep - who can fall asleep at 7 p.m. with 3 kids in the house? Two of my kids had some trouble with rebellion - which included more than one car accident. My husband worked out of town during the week until winter set in. If I could go back in time, I would not work full time, I would have found another way to be home for my kids. And I would have put a lock on my computer a lot sooner, I would have canceled cable.

    We had a surprise baby when my kids were 18, 16 and 12. THAT was enough to convince me to leave the bedside. Now I work around my kiddoes schedule, I don't miss his games or plays or school parties or band recitals.
    kakamegamama likes this.
  14. Visit  stefanyjoy profile page
    3
    I don't think it's fair to your older children to have them assume parenting roles. My mother was a night shift nurse and I always had to hold down the fort, and yes, there were emergencies sometimes. I am in agreement with your husband, sorry.


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