This is my first post after many years of reading allnurses posts written by others. I'll give a brief background on myself... I've been an RN for 11 years, working in both the OR and home health. I never had any interest in critical care nursing as I know how sensitive I am and that I would likely not be able to cope with amount of loss associated with critical care. With that said, I'm having a hard time coming to terms with my grief over a recent incident that occurred outside of work and I'm hoping someone can offer some advice.
Six days ago, I was visiting my cousin and her new baby at their home. We were sitting in her living room, which overlooks her backyard as well as the backyard of her neighbor. Her neighbor has a large inground pool and there were 4 children (teens) playing and swimming around the pool while an older woman sat and watched them. At one point I glanced out the window and noticed that the older woman appeared to be attempting chest compressions on one of the children who was laying on the ground but she obviously didn't know CPR and was frantically screaming for someone to help her. I took off out of my cousins home, jumped over the fence between the two yards and began assessing the young boy. He was not breathing and had no pulse so I immediately began CPR. Between breaths, while doing chest compressions, I attempted to gather information from the woman, who turned out to be the boy's grandmother.
Me: "What happened? Did you call 911?"
Grandmother: "I don't know! He said he couldn't breathe and then just collapsed! Yes I called"
Me: "Any health problems?"
Grandmother: "He had heart surgery when he was born but he's been fine since then!"
Me: "How old is he?"
Grandmother: "10"
And so on... After a couple of minutes of CPR, the boy took a few shallow breathes on his own and I was able to feel a weak pulse. I rolled him onto his side hopeful he would regain consciousness but as soon as I did this, his breathing and pulse stopped. I then resumed CPR until EMTs arrived about 10-15 minutes later. I stayed with the family for about 30 minutes after the ambulance left, attempting to comfort the other children that were present- his 13 year old sister and 13 & 15 year old male cousins. The boy's aunt arrived at the house just before the ambulance left and was also comforting her sons and niece. I left my phone number with the aunt and asked her if she could update me on his condition when she knew more which she promised to do. I then returned to my cousin's home briefly before heading home. Later that evening, I got a call from the boy's aunt informing me that the boy never regained consciousness and died in the ER. I offered my heartfelt condolences and my support in any way needed. When I hung up the phone, I fell apart, sobbing uncontrollably for a long time. I felt like a failure- even though I know that's not a logical reaction. And now, 6 days later, I can't seem to let this go. I think about it constantly and wonder if I could've done more or done something differently. I really want to reach out to his family but I'm not sure if I should. I would like to know if there was an underlying cause of death that was beyond my control. I want to know if his sister is ok and the other 2 boys that were there. I would like to meet his mother and father since they weren't at the scene and tell them how sorry I am that I couldn't save their baby.... I just want to be at peace with this but I don't know how.
