I am wondering if I did the right thing. Here is the backstory. My husband's mother and stepfather are going through a homestudy because they are trying to get custody of their niece (my husband's cousin). Well the lady doing the homestudy called to speak to my husband and he is at work and I asked her if she would like to hear my opinion and she said yes. I told her that I don't believe this would be the best thing for "Sally" because my father-in-law has his son and his son's wife and child living there and they are abusing drugs. My step-brother-in-law is a meth addict and both him and his wife have used marijuana in front of their child. I also know that my FIL has used meth himself and continues to do so, even though he denies it. He will stay up for days then when he comes down....well you better watch out because he is a jerk.
"Sally" is currently in a group home and being treated for being bipolar. Both of her parents are drug addicts and have been in and out of jail. She has had an absolute horrible childhood. My heart breaks for her. She is so excited about moving into my in-laws house, but she just doesn't know what she is in store for.
I felt that I had to tell the homestudy lady about what is going on. My husband feels like I just jeopardized things for "Sally" and that I ruined it for her. I feel like someone needs to stand up for this poor child. She is currently 12, almost 13. She needs a very stable home. I love my in-laws but they are not the best role models. And what really bothers me is that I believe "Sally" needs to be priority number one and if they were all that concerned with her coming then their drug addicted son would be OUT!!! I know my husband agrees with me on some things but he just doesn't want to make waves. Well too late for that now. I can't take back what I told the lady.
Did I do the right thing? I just don't think that I should be made to feel guilty. I am not the one who takes drugs, they are the ones who are ruining this for "Sally" not me. Man this is just a mess. Should I have just kept quiet? Plus on top of this I am pretty sure my husband had told him mom that I was thinking of saying something, so they are going to know it was me who told.
I don't know. I know I would not have jeopardized her placement with another family member were I not willing to take her in myself.
I hope it turns out well.
I disagree with this.
Why is is necessary to be able to take the kid in yourself as a precondition to preventing the vulnerable child's placement in what is likely a dangerous situation?
How unfortunate! Your situation makes me really thankful for my harmlessly annoying family and in-laws. Nothing we can do about family but I sure did shop my inlaws as carefully as I shopped my husband. I think you did the right thing and if there is any way you can mentor her it would be wonderful.
Why is is necessary to be able to take the kid in yourself as a precondition to preventing the vulnerable child's placement in what is likely a dangerous situation?
As I said, I didn't know what she should do. I know what I would do.
I'm not sure putting this kid into the system is safer than the family.
As I said, I didn't know what she should do. I know what I would do.
I'm not sure putting this kid into the system is safer than the family.
To reiterate, I don't know.
Not to veer too OT but Suesquatch I get what you are saying and appreciated your sentiment of expecting someone to step up and take responsibility for this child rather than just refereeing from the cheap seats. My take on it, based on my experience with our horribly damaged system, is that in this case I'd would hedge my bets in favor of out-of-family placement. If for argument's sake we accept the OPs description that their home is unsafe and nontherapeutic for raising a teenager I would pick placement with the hope that it would be better than "the devil we know". FWIW the facility where I work is flawed but safe and therapeutic more often than not and for all the children on my unit a far better choice than with their pathetic families.
Thank you all for you support. When my husband got home from work last night he told me that he did not tell his mother what I said. What he told her is that both he and I have concerns and that we were not going to lie for them or hide anything.
He said no matter what he supports me and my decision to tell them. He just felt that they would probably know it was us that said something and he wanted to send an anonymous letter. I couldn't wait to do that, I had to speak up. He was a little upset that I did say something and was telling me how excited "Sally" is to move and that I may have screwed this up for her. I told him not to put that guilt on me that I am not the one who does drugs and that they are the ones who jeapordized things for her, not me.
I am not going to feel guilty. I am not the one who has an unsafe environment. I am just praying that everything works out in the end.
You are in a difficult situation. You did the right thing, though. It's never easy because you don't want to hurt anyone, but you certainly can't allow her to be in a worse situation, even if it is family. If you're in-laws really want to take care of her, they'll make the necessary changes and get help for their problems.
Bipolar teen and substance abusers in the home is a very bad mix. "Sally" may have to continue in a group home but you can thank yourself for keeping her away from a life of addiction.
I am not going to feel guilty. I am not the one who has an unsafe environment.
Bingo.
I had long since gotten over feeling guilty or worrying about what others throught of me, when I was assigned to complete a Home Health Admission on a new Mom who had undergone a C-Section and her wound had become infected and dehisced post-op.
As soon as I opened the door to the trailer, I was almost bowled over by an overpowering odor of rotting garbage and animal excretement.
What I found once I got inside was even worse: piles and stacks of garbage, animal poop, dirty clothing, etc. The icing on the cake came when I found even more filth in the bedroom where the Mom and her newborn were sleeping, along with the Father, a seven-year-old....and a three-year-old on a vent.
Just....abomniable.
To make a long story short, I informed both the Mom and Dad that they were placing the health of everyone in that trailer (including her newborn baby's) in danger by allowing them to be exposed to these "conditions"....and expected to see an "improvement" by the time I returned for my next visit....or I would not "hesitate" to report them to the "authorities".
Unless you have PERSONALLY witnessed drug-use, you cannot sit in front of a social worker and tell them that you are 190% sure that it's going on.
You can't.
Because I am sure if you did, you would have walked straight out of the house and called the police right then....wouldn't you?????
I have witnessed them smoking marijuana in front of the children. I am ashamed to say that I did not call CPS then. I know that I should have and at that point I didn't want to get involved. I guess the reason that I have had a change of heart is that I see it just getting worse.
I know for a fact that my BIL is doing meth, we found some of it in the spare bedroom and that was one of the reasons that my husband and I moved out of the house. My husband and I were living there until around August when his BIL moved in. We also found containers of different liquids, boxes of empty Sudafed, and other chemicals. We got scared that he was trying to cook meth and we did not want to be exposed to that or wake up one day to the house exploding. We told my inlaws but they didn't seem to care. They said that they would have a "talk" with him. That was the last straw for us. At this time BIL was leaving his wife and his kids, it was not until about 2-3 weeks ago that his wife took him back and moved in over there too. It is just one big mess.
I have another update. My husband had to call the SW doing the homestudy today at 1pm because she had asked to speak with all of the childred on inlaws. He told them that he has the same concerns that I do and verified everything that I told them. He told me that he thought about it and he agrees that nobody needs to be subjected to that.
rngolfer53
681 Posts
I disagree with this.
Why is is necessary to be able to take the kid in yourself as a precondition to preventing the vulnerable child's placement in what is likely a dangerous situation?