Wife is Driving Me Crazy with SMOKING - VENT

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ok...maybe i am a little tense with 5-days-a-week school and all...or maybe i am a little anal but i just can't take the smoking anymore. :o

my wife and i decided to quite smoking over 5-years ago. i was not a big smoker to begin with and i never liked the smell…i never smoked in my car, and would often feel the need to change clothing because of the smell…my friends, harley davidson and the marlboro man group always made fun of me...

so i quit cold turkey and never looked back. my wife stopped for two or three days and stated “this is too hard”…she then concealed her habit by stashing contraband, smoking outside and using body spray.

five years later and some 20 attempts to quit she is still playing the game and i have about had it. she’s 34, and her health is deteriorating…she has a persistent hack, is steadily approaching “overweight” and her doctor has recently made comments about recent labs…ldl off the chart. we are not able to have children after fours years of trying and she is literally aging before my eyes…not the girl i married.

anyway…we agreed that she would not smoke in the house -- so she smokes outside in the backyard and throws here cigarettes everywhere. in the past she used our drinking glasses…she would then leave them all over the house with butts in them. picture walking up to someone’s front porch as seeing beautiful crystal glasses lined up along the banister…no that’s not sweet tea! full with butts! after i threatened to set her stash of marlboros on fire she graduated to a decorative box that she kept on the front porch…the perfect first impression. mmmm yummy…box-o-butts. it’s absolutely disgusting!

there are butts all around the back porch and the stink is unbearable. to add insult to injury my wife smells like an ashtray…i mean i can find her anywhere on the property or in the house by sniffing the air…her cloths stink, her hair stinks and she uses this body spray to cover it up...it makes me nauseous…lavender and marlboro…mmm sexy!

i have gotten to the point whenever she lights up in public i walk away. we went out to dinner one night and she left to “use the ladies room”. our entres arrived and i sat for 10 minutes before searching for her...i found her puffing away with the locals outside because the restaurant did not allow smoking inside. i am tired of waiting for her to finish smoking…

and if all that was not enough…it costs us a little over $200 per month for her habit. i have no patience left…yes she is supportive of my nursing pursuit but i can’t get past this…her response lately is “if you don’t like it divorce me” and “you smoked too”. but the point is we agreed to stop because it is bad for our health...and her health has fallen off. i can run 5 miles and she can barley keep up walking without hacking up a lung.

at this point i am thinking she will die young and i will spend the remainder of my life cleaning up cigarette butts she left behind…and i almost forgot – her famous catch all phrase – “you’re the only one with a problem here – if i don’t see this as a problem then there is no problem” – this is her response to my now relentless pursuit to end the smoking.

i am knee deep in a bsn program…what would you do?

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at first i had to check the poster i thought it was my DH everything you say he used to tell me, can i say if your wife is like me the more you nag the worse she gets i had every excuse going like your wife tried to hide it etc my only redemption was i knew it was a bad habit my health was bad etc on new yrs eve stoped and went cold turkey this was about the 9th time i tried to give up but this time its sticking, i also have to say i didnt tell my DH coz i got fed up of his constant öh it wont last" so please please support her she will give up but it has to be her choice and for her reasons or it wont last, wish her good luck from me:D

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at first i had to check the poster i thought it was my DH everything you say he used to tell me, can i say if your wife is like me the more you nag the worse she gets i had every excuse going like your wife tried to hide it etc my only redemption was i knew it was a bad habit my health was bad etc on new yrs eve stoped and went cold turkey this was about the 9th time i tried to give up but this time its sticking, i also have to say i didnt tell my DH coz i got fed up of his constant öh it wont last" so please please support her she will give up but it has to be her choice and for her reasons or it wont last, wish her good luck from me:D

You're right...my nagging is driving a wedge between us. I keep thinking "What about me"...I want my pretty, sweet smelling wife back.

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sorry to hear that its driving a wege between you yet i can see why, but despite what you may think deep down smokers know all what you say is true we just dont want to hear it:imbar

after 1 month smoke free my DH bought me a bottle of perfume and you know i can actualy smell it and its wonderful, remember no matter how many times she quits support her 1 day her last cigarette will be the last :up:

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Specializes in OB, M/S, HH, Medical Imaging RN.

i don't know what to say except that "i'm sorry". my dh was a non compliant diabetic with an ldl that wouldn't even register. all of his labs were off. he was diagnosed with prostate ca and suddenly became very compliant. i think he believed he was immortal. i lectured him the doctor lectured him. nothing worked until he was looked in the face by his own mortality.

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Your wife has made it pretty clear that she's not going to be changing her behavior in any meaningful way any time soon, and that she has no regard for your feelings about this -- as Dear Abby used to say, are you better off with her or without her? As she has already commented to you, if you don't like it (if you really can't take it any more, that is) you have the option of leaving her. Have you thought about taking her up on her generous offer??

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Specializes in OB, M/S, HH, Medical Imaging RN.
Your wife has made it pretty clear that she's not going to be changing her behavior in any meaningful way any time soon, and that she has no regard for your feelings about this -- as Dear Abby used to say, are you better off with her or without her? As she has already commented to you, if you don't like it (if you really can't take it any more, that is) you have the option of leaving her. Have you thought about taking her up on her generous offer??

Whoa.....

it's too easy to say "I give up"

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Whoa.....

it's too easy to say "I give up"

But what do you think the wife is saying here? There's something much deeper going on than her continuing to smoke. It's obviously become a power struggle, and the wife is determined not to give up control and appears determined to drive him away (most smokers I know don't engage in the sort of behaviour he describes). It makes me wonder if she is depressed and afraid. He mentions she isn't the girl he married, that he wants his old wife back... perhaps she isn't as supportive of his career decision as he thinks. Perhaps she is afraid of him 'leaving her behind' as he moves on in his life. Just a thought...

I think they need to get into some counseling and find the root cause for all of this; if she refuses to go, then he needs to go on his own.

Good luck Sal.

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Specializes in OB, M/S, HH, Medical Imaging RN.

I think they need to get into some counseling and find the root cause for all of this; if she refuses to go, then he needs to go on his own.

I agree 100%, as for the rest, I don't presume to know what she or he may be thinking or if she may be depressed, etc...I was referring to the poster who thought it may be time to give up. I say that's too easy to say, esp when you don't personally know the people involved. Had I given up on my spouse we could have been divorced years ago. Glad we didn't give up.

People change during their years of marriage. The girl he married is likely not to be around anymore. The man I married isn't but was replaced by a better man ;)

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But what do you think the wife is saying here? There's something much deeper going on than her continuing to smoke. It's obviously become a power struggle, and the wife is determined not to give up control and appears determined to drive him away (most smokers I know don't engage in the sort of behaviour he describes). It makes me wonder if she is depressed and afraid. He mentions she isn't the girl he married, that he wants his old wife back... perhaps she isn't as supportive of his career decision as he thinks. Perhaps she is afraid of him 'leaving her behind' as he moves on in his life. Just a thought...

I think they need to get into some counseling and find the root cause for all of this; if she refuses to go, then he needs to go on his own.

Good luck Sal.

You may have hit at least one nail on the head...the problem here is I have switched off... In 1998 I was accepted into several programs and failed to even start... So this time around I have declared that nothing will stand in my way of completing my degree. When I say nothing I mean...if you get in the way then I have no use for you and unfortunately my wife has gotten in my way a few times and I expressed this. I have two years to earn my BSN and the little things are getting to me...smoking, squeezing the toothpaste in the middle, leaving laundy all over. I need complete stability and structure in order to function ...perhaps I need therapy myself.

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Whoa.....

it's too easy to say "I give up"

It's also "too easy" to stay in a relationship in which you're v. unhappy and frustrated, your partner clearly has no regard for your feelings, and just keep venting for another 20 years about unhappy you are without taking any real action.

I didn't say he should leave; only that Wifey has made her position clear and the ball is in his court. It is a simple reality that he can't control or change her behavior, only his own. The situation isn't likely to change, so is that situation acceptable to him, or not?

I'm wondering about the different reaction (granted, not too many responses yet :)) to this OP than to similar posts in which a woman complains about how awful her man treats her -- so many woman here line up to say "You don't have to put up with that kind of treatment, hon! Get out of there and find someone who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve!" "Get a lawyer today!!" Is this situation somehow different because it's a man complaining about a woman? Or is it because Wifey's a smoker and smokers here are going to be more sympathetic to her than they would be to lots of other emotionally-abusive-relationship situations described on this board?

To the OP -- you know, of course, that smoking is an addiction; Al-Anon would provide you with support and information about living/dealing with an addict while minimizing the damage to your own life & psyche. If you're not already involved, I strongly reccomend you seek out the local meetings and start attending. They help an awful lot of people ...

Hugs and best wishes --

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I think you both need therapy before you decide to leave her.

Since you don't have children, that huge concern isn't there.

But something has to change - the power struggle goes beyond the cigarettes.

Good luck.

steph

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