Who does that?!

[exp626]

I was reading a thread in another area, about napping at work. Someone wrote that she heard that there are nurses who even divert meds, and then asked "Who does that?!". Ouch. I wanted to respond, not to be confrontational, but to answer her question, but I sure didn't want to open that Pandora's box and invite a dogpile! So since I still want to answer her question, I'll do it here...I'm glad that many people don't know the hell of addiction. I can't speak for anyone else, but the reason I diverted was because I was living the hell of trying to quit taking the opiates I was so desperately addicted to, but couldn't. I became addicted because I was sure I had chronic fatigue syndrome or something like that. I was tired and achy all the time (turns out I was just overweight and needed some exercise!). I went to a doctor who prescribed Norco, and before I knew it I was physically hooked. When I started to divert, I thought, I'd just take the waste and just take it subq, just this once to help take the edge off the physical symptoms of withdrawal, then 1 turned into another and another, etc. I didn't get high, so I didn't feel impaired. I just wanted to stop the pain that follows missing a dose. True, it did take the edge off of the anxiety that goes with living that particular hell, and I felt like I could function better. I thought I was the only person on earth who was so special that I needed it to function better and to be a better nurse. Looking back on that thinking terrifies me now. I wanted out, I wanted help, but didn't know that IPN existed, and didn't know there was even help like it for nurses. I went back to my doctor, who convinced me that I was okay but he gave me some clonidine and something else so I could withdraw, but it didn't help. Then he offered methadone, but I didn't want to go there, and I sure didn't want to go to that doctor any more. Instead I decided to try to go it alone, and that's how I did it. Why didn't I go to another doctor or someone else? Because I was afraid. Writing this makes me cry, because it makes me relive the torment of those days. The best day of my life was the day I was busted at work. My activity in the drug machines sent up flags, and eventually someone from HR confronted me. Initially I denied it out of fear for losing my license and job, but over the course of a couple of days I realized it was best if I came clean. That was over 5 years ago, and I've been living in active sobriety ever since. So, in answer to her question: Who does that? I guess that would be me.

[june2009]

And me. (Not since 9/27/10 though) ?

[exp626]

And me. (Not since 9/27/10 though)

Thanks for responding! Even though this is anon, I felt vulnerable after that post! You help me feel less lonely! It was a rough life but thank goodness we're not living that life any more!

[Twoyearnurse]

Man oh man. I would never wish the pain of addiction on anyone. I remember that constant terror, life becomes so so small. There is no amount of morality that can save someone from that pain. It's terrible

[vamurse]

And me. I also thought I was special, would never get caught, justified in using wasted meds etc. all the little lies we tell ourselves. It's been a year clean for me and though i know it to be true, I still have trouble feeling that getting caught was the best thing that ever happened to me. I guess that's why we say recovery is a journey eh?

[Big Blondie, ASN, BSN, MSN, APRN]

Didnt mean to leave you hangin...tons of emotions were stirred by the OP. Guess we were reflecting!

[aiaRN]

Me too. I have a great deal of shame for my actions during that time and to be honest probably would have been judgmental toword someone else prior to my addictive behaviors. But I know the sober me is a moral, compassionate, caring person and hopes that others can see that and wants nothing more to return to the profession that I love.

[1sttime]

Sounds like me too- though I live without getting high and like it- I don't identify with being a person in recovery. It was something that happened, a set of circumstances that led me to cross moral and professional boundaries. I have moved on now and am looking forward to being done with monitoring. Getting caught was the best thing for me professionally and personally.

[exp626]

Thanks for showin' the love with the posts! This was the first time I've really told my story like this. I have, but over time it gets more honest, and this was a new level of honesty for me. I guess it was time for some more work. The self loathing, shame, and deep regret are such raw feelings that wax and wane. I don't suppose they'll ever completely go away, but I doubt they'll get any better by ignoring my feelings and not sharing. Hopefully some good will someday come from this.

[newmommy26]

Me too (lost license in 2009 clean and sober 54 days) it took me a long time to come to a place where I could get to a point where I knew I was powerless and that I had to take a hard look at my life and turn my life and will over to God. The regrets and shame are there yet honestly have diminished a lot in the past 3 weeks, yes miracles are possible when a spiritual awakening occurs.

[willow14]

And me too...you can add me to that list as well. I am 58 days clean and I feel amazing, but I still haven't forgotten the torture and sadness I was living in during my addiction. But I agree with others that getting caught at work was the BEST thing for me too, as TERRIFYING as it was. I'm newer to this site, and I have to admit that it's such as relief to know that I am not alone....THANK YOU for sharing your experience. :)

[SE_BSN_RN, BSN]

Thank you for putting this out there. I am not an addict, but my dad was....and I saw what it did to him, me, and our family. It's not an easy thing to go through. I live in constant fear that I'll get a call one day, saying "I'm in jail"....but it hasn't happened. Almost 16 years clean for him.