When Nurses Say the Wrong Thing: 4 Ways to Improve

Story #1

"Oh, I work a couple of shifts per week. Just enough that I can get out of the house and feel like I'm contributing, but not so much that I'm letting someone else raise my children.” These words spoken to me in passing cut like a dagger to my worn-out-mama soul. Her innocent implication that I let someone else raise my children as a full-time working mother piled on to the thickly layered "mom-guilt" I already put on myself.

The cruel irony of this moment was that the words came from the mouth of my hospital nurse, as I was recovering from surgery, unable to be with, much less care for, my children in my current state. I was already in physical pain, and rather than alleviate my pain as her job should have been, she added emotional pain to my heart and mind.

I feel certain that the nurse did not intend to wound me with her words. She was just "making conversation.” But what she failed to remember was that just another day at work for her was a huge life-altering experience for me. A hospital is a workplace for many, but for those of us lying in the beds, it's often a scary and intimidating time.

I implore you, keep your words positive and uplifting, or don't say anything at all beyond the standard phrases of patient care. What you say can be just as much of the healing process as what you do.”

Story #2

"I was in a rehab facility recovering from surgery to repair a shattered leg. I was in a lot of pain and had the feeling I was being judged unfairly as a 'complainer.’ I just couldn't get comfortable and desperately needed to talk with a doctor who had the authority to make some changes.

During my discussion with the bedside nurse, she said, 'You'll see. Good will come out of this. Just think positive thoughts.’ Yikes. I know she meant well but that was NOT what I needed to hear. It may indeed be true eventually, but what I replied was also true, 'I don't need to hear that right now. I need words of comfort.’ Honestly, I don't know if she even registered what I said.”

Improving Communication

Our words matter, don't they? These simple comments, probably intended as attempts to connect, are received in a completely different way by the suffering patients. Sadly, the words linger long after the event and sometimes are repeated often as the patient struggles to make sense of a tough time.

How do we improve our practice so that we don't commit these types of gaffes? Researcher Brene Brown says, "Rarely can a response make something better. What makes something better is connection.” Making gentle connections without adding to our patient's pain is our challenge, isn't it? While this type of sensitivity may come more naturally to some than to others, all of us can learn and become better nurses in the process.

Keep it Professional

When we are in the patients' room, our conversation and concern should be about them. We are not center stage. If they ask personal questions, it is courteous to answer, but generally, they are just being polite and they don't really have the energy to know or care about our extended family or our troubles with our children or whatever our concern of the day might be. If the patient is argumentative or disgruntled or venting, we can begin to feel defensive and be tempted to offer them correction (or more!). Once a friend taught me the technique of saying, "Hmm. I had not looked at it quite that way…” and then let the sentence trail off without engaging. Another tool that can help us here is to answer their question as succinctly as possible and then turn it back to them with a question that helps us understand them better.

Be Empathetic

Our patients are sicker than ever before. Their family members are often super-stressed. As professional nurses, our job is to care for them to the best of our ability while recognizing the strain they are under and giving them extra grace in their time of need. Sometimes simply being present, prompt and professional is our best response—no particular words needed.

Repeat What They Said

Many of us nurses remember learning in nursing school about being good active listeners and reflecting back what the patient tells us by saying things like, "So you are saying…” In other words, finding ways to clarify what they say to make sure we are on the same page.

Be Genuine

When we are confident and comfortable in our own skin, we transmit that to others and help them feel comfortable as well. Being genuine does not mean that we tell people what we think, it simply means that we acknowledge their inherent dignity as persons and that we care for them with competence and professionalism, meeting their needs in the best way we can.