What to do when your manager is the bully.....

toomuchbaloney · Mar 11, 2015

My vote would be to keep your head down and keep your favorable job with good hours until you are done with school. Keep your own notes. Document inconsistencies and inappropriate behavior from the manager. These will offer you some measure of protection should the bully implode.

I believe that you are quite right to assume that you will see brushback should you pursue this up the line of command. Personally, I wouldn't go there if my priority was to finish school. The job and the bully then become secondary unless the bully gets personal with you and begins to jeopardize that goal.

Good luck.

caliotter3 · Mar 11, 2015

Under no circumstances would I pursue this any further as long as I wanted to maintain the benefits of that job. Why ask for worse? If it is so bad, then cut the cord, resign, and move on. Otherwise, enjoy the benefits of the position and leave when the good no longer outweighs the bad.

travkitty · Mar 11, 2015

I guess I forgot to add that this bullying is making my physically ill from the anxiety & stress. I get nauseated on my way to work. I can't do this for 3 more years. Sad that the climate with dealing with bullying in nursing seems to be just to take it rather than have someone fix the problem.

My husband is encouraging me to go to HR, as he had a problem manager, went to HR & it fixed things. That manager is no longer a problem. Obviously, I'm skittish of doing so in my case because there are so many horror stories of retribution....even though legally there's supposed to not be any. My husband also said to look for a different job with another hospital if need be. It would hurt, but paying back the tuition isn't the end of the world....as well as paying most of the upcoming tuition. He said it's only money & he hates seeing me coming home a basket case & in tears.

Gooselady, BSN, RN · Mar 12, 2015

How about seeing an EAP? Is this an option you've considered? There are ways you can learn to cope with controllers or bullies -- within reason. Since it seems very important that you stay where you are, AND you are suffering physically because you are staying where you are, perhaps a 'third option' is in order?

At least it's worth a try. EAPs are like counselors specially designed FOR the employee. You could be frank and open with this person, and the two of you could look at your priorities together. The EAP can help you strategize, can help you if you decide to go to HR, and is specially educated to help people having trouble at work.

My first thought (before I read your whole post) was short: RUN!

If there is any way you can calm yourself, 'think your way through' her bullying nonsense and let it bounce off of you, it sounds very much worth a try. The EAP is a counselor, they are there to help people develop better (or in your case, specialized) coping skills. You don't HAVE to just put up with a bully OR run, you have more choices than that.

I'm sorry you are going through this This is the kind of stuff that feels like it affects your whole life. This manager, no matter how much HER manager backs her up, is behaving unprofessionally and the patients are taking a hit because of it. There is an obligation to do something about this, if you choose to. Since staying still sounds like the best bet, give an EAP a shot. You may still decide it's not worth it but you'll know you've tried everything and whatever decision you do make will be very informed.

icuRNmaggie, BSN, RN · Mar 12, 2015

All good advice from the previous posters.

Small hospitals attract some very dysfunctional and vindictive people. It starts at the top. HR will always back their management officials to protect the hospital from liability, even when they're wrong, and so will upper management. Always.

If this job is taking a toll on you emotionally, then I think it is time to part ways with these people. It's just a job. There are other jobs.

If you signed a contract for tuition reimbursement or a scholarship program, take it to an attorney not in your region or in anyway affiliated with this hospital, to see if it is enforceable. Three years sounds excessive to me. It's probably the only way that they can get nurses to work there.

It's just not worth it to stay that long in an abusive work environment and put up with a wackjob for a supervisor. You don't need that.

You can not change the culture there, so start applying for other positions, use up your PTO first and however you like and leave with your head held high. They may try to take your last paycheck, and if they do, file a wage claim with the state department of labor. The hospital will not want to have a hearing on that matter, especially if you are over 40 years old and can file a compaint with the EEOC based on age. You have 90 days to do so if you choose to go down that path. The hospital may not pursue a judgement against you for the 10k in tuition reimbursement when they realize that you could cause some bad publicity.

I guarantee you that other facilties and managers will know why you left there and not hold it against you.

morte, LPN, LVN · Mar 12, 2015

NO, NO, NO, to the EAP suggestion. private is the way to go.

toomuchbaloney · Mar 12, 2015

I guess I forgot to add that this bullying is making my physically ill from the anxiety & stress. I get nauseated on my way to work. I can't do this for 3 more years. Sad that the climate with dealing with bullying in nursing seems to be just to take it rather than have someone fip the problem.
My husband is encouraging me to go to HR, as he had a problem manager, went to HR & at fixed things. That manager is no longer a problem. Obviously, I'm skittish of doing so in my case because there are so many horror stories of retribution....even though legally there's supposed to not be any. My husband also said to look for a different job with another hospital if need be. It would hurt, but paying back the tuition isn't the end of the world....as well as paying most of the upcoming tuition. He said it's only money & he hates seeing me coming home a basket case & in tears.

IN my view this additional information dramatically changes the situation.

It sounds like you have some terrific advice and support from your spouse. Find your peace somewhere in the options he has outlined for you if possible.

If it were me, I would start looking for another job. At the same time, I would begin the process of pushing this elephant uphill in an organization which has apparently chosen to overlook this particular manager's bully behavior. I would be expecting blowback and would be covering my orifice at every turn. Bullies in positions of authority often create terrible animus and hard feelings prior to their fall.

Good luck.

Your mental and emotional health is much more important than a job.

jadelpn, LPN, EMT-B · Mar 14, 2015

If you were not from the Midwest, I would think that we work in the same place!!

There is other avenues to pursue. First off, as pp have suggested, write everything down. Times, dates....everything. Additionally, your parent company, if you go on their website, has compliance and ethical reporting systems. You can do this and not give your name, you can do this anonymously. I would do so.

If you are part of the union, I would also have conversation with your union delegate. If you feel uncomfortable doing that, I would seek out your area union delegate, and have conversation with them.

What your manager is doing is not right. There are oh so many upper management types who really don't care how the staff nurses are treated, as what the heck are you going to do? You are in with them for 10K already, they are giving you the hours you need, it is a "what are you complaining for" situation.

Starting today (and get malpractice insurance BTW--as all nurses should, but especially in this type of culture) really, really stay out of the gossip. "Gosh, that makes me so sad. But I need to go___________ now" and walk away. Even if this gossip comes from the manager. "I appreciate you trusting me so much that you are sharing this with me, and I am so sorry to hear it--_________ will be in my thoughts" and walk away.

Regarding the "changing of the mind" always follow up communication with an email. This way, it is in writing. And should it come back to you differently, "I really want to communicate effectively. It is important to me. I feel like I have so much to learn from your style of leadership (

Sometimes, you have to be the bigger person. Your character is reflective in part of your practice. So be mindful that your patients are well taken care of, you are doing what you need to do, put in your time, and graduate from your program. Then move on, lessons learned on what you will NOT do when you are put in a supervisory role.

In the meantime, I would start at least a report to corporate. If this nurse/supervisor is out of control, it needs to stop. Your husband may have a point with "hostile work environment" and your tuition reimbursement, however, that would take a great deal of proof, perhaps would have to go through a union grievance process.....all taking valuable time away from your schooling.

Take a deep breath and remember your character--do NOT stoop to her level of foolishness. Head up and choose your words wisely. And write every little thing down.

Gooselady, BSN, RN · Mar 14, 2015

NO, NO, NO, to the EAP suggestion. private is the way to go.

Why so?

The reason I brought it up is that an EAP is already in the system, knows they system, will have some knowledge of how to navigate the system and this all adds up to helping the OP make a decision she'll be glad she made.

If I'd gotten advice and another poster came behind and said NO NO NO to that advice I'd wonder what the big deal for the NO NO NO was about. It sounds like you are warning her away from a green mamba but I'm sure you have your reasons :)

maxthecat · Mar 16, 2015

Depending on the institution, EAP is not always as confidential as one would wish....

Libby1987 · Mar 16, 2015

You've listed two types of things that she does..

She gossips to undermine team relationships.

She back pedals on her instructions.

On the first one, first don't absorb anything she says, second you have to stand up against that childishness/manipulativeness. You could form it as a question or a statement but I would call her on her backstabbing gossip every single time. "That's gossip, do have anything relevant to work?" I would say that over again until she wanted to throttle me, which of course she couldn't.

On the second, make it clear that you are writing each and every instruction down (time and date it), just a quick jot on your brain sheet, that you silly keep. Make sure she sees you doing so or has a reply back in an email or text (I don't know how she communicates).

You will either teach her how to treat you or you will be fired but not without your documentation going to legal counsel. Either way you will have taken control.

As far as your anxiety, that might be a recurring response with a future stressful position, I think it would be worth working that out with a counselor. It's not that the her behavior is okay, it's about how you respond to it. With your supportive husband you're in a good position. Instead of having an anxious response, you could see it as a challenge to wind her up with your appropriate reactions to her.