What if I'm the Bully?

[Wuzzie]

I guess this is an example of agree to disagree. I do not believe that anger or irritation are necessary emotions to display. Correction and explaination of the incident report and notifying the physician & patient, any pertinent education...sure, those things must happen. And I agree that is inevitably going to be uncomfortable.

But there is nothing to display anger or irritation over. Discovering errors is part of the job. No, it's never good and must be addressed, but I do not believe that losing your cool is remotely helpful in these situations. But again, that's my preference on how I handle things; your mileage may vary and that's fine too.

I've never "lost my cool". That's not my MO which is why I'm the go-to girl for precepting those new nurses who are struggling. My point is having a negative response to a mistake being made is NOT bullying and isn't always wrong.

[mrf0609]

I have not only read your post but all of the comments which follow it. I am not sure that some people get it.. While the situation you discuss is a patient safety issue, it is how you dealt with it, including the feelings you had and projected is what hit me. I can completely relate. You discuss the test you took. I am afraid that I too would have far more than one yes to the questions. Am I a bad person, no.. I am a great nurse and my patients love me but my co workers are not so fond of me. At 50 it is difficult for a tiger to change it's stripes, but it is possible. Often it is how something is said, not what is said and I can honestly feel it sometimes as it occurs... that it is wrong but can not control myself. I have little tolerance for mistakes and patient safety is important, it is not how it often appears. I can be short and abrasive. I can really help a younger nurse, it is the way I say it. What could have been a teaching moment is lost due to the nurse shutting me out because of my attitude. I always say I wish I could just be a nice person, very easy going, and fair to everyone. I am a work in progress, awareness is the first step. Will I ever be that nice person? I do not know, but I can at least try to practice new skills which will help me communicate more effectively. I am passionate about nursing, loud and outspoken, always have been, I just wish I wasn't considered a bully. Thanks for your article, I related in so many ways and can only hope to grow and change to have better relationships on the floor. Good luck to you too!!!

[Wuzzie]

I have not only read your post but all of the comments which follow it. I am not sure that some people get it.. While the situation you discuss is a patient safety issue, it is how you dealt with it, including the feelings you had and projected is what hit me. I can completely relate. You discuss the test you took. I am afraid that I too would have far more than one yes to the questions. Am I a bad person, no.. I am a great nurse and my patients love me but my co workers are not so fond of me. At 50 it is difficult for a tiger to change it's stripes, but it is possible. Often it is how something is said, not what is said and I can honestly feel it sometimes as it occurs... that it is wrong but can not control myself. I have little tolerance for mistakes and patient safety is important, it is not how it often appears. I can be short and abrasive. I can really help a younger nurse, it is the way I say it. What could have been a teaching moment is lost due to the nurse shutting me out because of my attitude. I always say I wish I could just be a nice person, very easy going, and fair to everyone. I am a work in progress, awareness is the first step. Will I ever be that nice person? I do not know, but I can at least try to practice new skills which will help me communicate more effectively. I am passionate about nursing, loud and outspoken, always have been, I just wish I wasn't considered a bully. Thanks for your article, I related in so many ways and can only hope to grow and change to have better relationships on the floor. Good luck to you too!!!

Your insight into your communication style and its effect on your peers leads me to believe that you are not a bully. Much of what defines bullying is intent, patterns of behavior and an unwillingness to practice the introspection needed to affect change and personal growth. Bullies don't care that they hurt people. They are empowered by it. That is not the sense I am getting from you.

[mrf0609]

But I can be highly aggressive and have had a tendency to speak without thinking causing undo pain and bad feelings. Although I am aware of my communication style, I still believe I am a bully but am working on change. I am not empowered at all by my behavior but nevertheless belittling and demeaning a person is not nice and a behavior I am working on changing...I am finding it ebbs and flows, at times it is worse than others but it should never occur...thanks for your thoughts!

[KatieMI, BSN, MSN, RN]

But I can be highly aggressive and have had a tendency to speak without thinking causing undo pain and bad feelings. Although I am aware of my communication style, I still believe I am a bully but am working on change. I am not empowered at all by my behavior but nevertheless belittling and demeaning a person is not nice and a behavior I am working on changing...I am finding it ebbs and flows, at times it is worse than others but it should never occur...thanks for your thoughts!

The above proves that you are NOT a bully. You can trust me in that :)

[Emergent, RN]

The technical definition of bullying is irrelevant. I think what the OP realizes about herself is that her communication style is highly aggressive at times. This can be very ineffective with certain personality types.

I work with a couple of gals who come on too strong like this. I tend to not take them as seriously since their communication style is poor.

In the original example given, some new nurses will feel bullied. If someone's goal is truly to protect patients, it's important to learn superior communication skills with all types of people.

For a more aggressive person to just say to others, you are just too sensitive, is to ignore the fact that there's a lot of diversity in human personalities. Highly sensitive people might very well be more alert and aware of nuances that a more thick skinned, bull in a China shop type might miss.

I think we really need more study and training in variety of human personalities, instead of trying to label certain types as being aberrant. Calling the more sensitive ones snowflakes, or the more aggressive ones bullies, is probably not going to build bridges and help people to communicate better.

[WestCoastSunRN, MSN, CNS]

I think we really need more study and training in variety of human personalities, instead of trying to label certain types as being aberrant. Calling the more sensitive ones snowflakes, or the more aggressive ones bullies, is probably not going to build bridges and help people to communicate better.

Wise words.

[RTConnections]

Kristi. Thank you for your thoughtful post about whether or not you could "be the bully" and for referencing my work!!! It takes moral courage to turn the mirror towards yourself. I wish more nurses (and other humans) did the same!

The many comments posted reflect that human behavior is complex!! There is no simple answer. Rather than a solid - yes..you are the bully or no...you did what you should have done (or maybe didn't do enough), the bigger ah ha here is that every single one of us (me too...and I teach this!!) can in some way contribute to a less than professional work environment. Whether it's bullying, incivility, or just having a bad day, we all need to reflect and then handle situations more professionally in the future. Aren't we (shouldn't we) all on the path to continuous learning?

I applaud you for the moral courage it took to write this piece. Kudos!

Kindest regards

Renee

[Jedrnurse, BSN, RN]

I thought at first that this was satire. This is bullying??

[PixieRN1]

I thought at first that this was satire. This is bullying??

I believed she called it "incivility". I don't think that the name that you label it is as important as the concept that the communication style could be improved upon (mainly the paraverbal communication style and less so the actual content) to foster a more professional dialogue.

I think people are too focused on defining the term "bully" and not taking away the heart of the article...to look inside ourselves as professionals and healers and search for ways that we can be more effective and professional communicators with our peers.

[NightNerd, MSN, RN]

I appreciate the spirit of this article. However, I can't help but feel that the last paragraph puts the responsibility back on the person being "bullied" to address the matter ("approach with curiosity and an open heart," etc.). If you're a nurse, you're an adult and therefore, I assume, have some control over what comes out of your mouth. There is a way to call attention to errors and convey their severity without being mean. I've been on both ends of the scenario, and each time it was breathtakingly drama-free.

If you feel that you're being a bully, or something close to it, take a second, breathe, and really think about how you want to get your point across. I totally get that we all have history that informs how we react and communicate, but that history must not relegate us to this less than desirable role. We are all personally responsible for how we treat others, regardless of our intentions.

[Daisy Joyce]

When I was a newbie, there were nurses who corrected me and weren't tender with my feelings over it. I didn't enjoy the correction, but I never forgot it. But in their minds, I made a mistake, they corrected me, and it was over--meaning they were still nice in the lunchroom, and the next day they started over with me like a new slate.

Then there was this *one* nurse. We got off to a rocky start, she was my preceptor, and there was no forgiveness for me, no clean slate, no starting over. My mistakes were thrown up to me over and over, she was popular, and cut me out of the dynamic of the floor. Eye rolling and sighing was the order of the day, every day. Naturally, being young and sensitive, I eventually went full scale deer-in-the-headlights and wound up resigning.

Trust me, there is a difference between sometimes-rudeness and full-scale targeted attack.