I am a pediatric home health nurse and I have a busy and active life outside of work with graduate school and family responsibilities. My company says I am one of the best nurses they have. The parents I work with often complement me on how I work with their children and how I am a good nurse. I understand that parents are stressed with a sick child and are struggling to manage their stress. On a few different occasions with different families, the moms have made a point to imply or out-right comment on my weight. I am 5'9" and I could probably use to lose about 40 lbs. I am active with weight-lifting and swimming on my own time and my weight is "well-distributed" as my best friend told me. Despite needing to lose weight I still have a 4-pack (just can't get the last 2) and I have good muscle tone under the layer of fat from weightlifting. I am in a weight loss program and I am trying to make an effort because I want to be healthy and feel comfortable in my body and be a good example for my family.
I mention all this so you can have an idea of where I am coming from. As a teenager I had an eating disorder and having these moms comment on my weight out of no where makes it hard for me to not turn to old, bad habits of emotional/stress-eating or anorexia. I think it is worse because I don't know how to respond to these insults.
My weight has no bearing on my effectiveness as a nurse and even the moms who make these comments tell my supervisor that I am a really good nurse to their children. I have had these comments come from moms who are really skinny and plump. (I also feel weird when I get compliments as well
I want to be professional but I am uncertain how to respond. What suggestions do you guys have? I don't feel like this is something that I need to tell my supervisor, but I am making notes in a personal record of when things like this are said so I show to my supervisor why I might need to leave working with a particular family.
How do you guys handle room comments in a professional manner? What do you do to avoid feel shame and to stay resilient?
Specializes in LTC Management, Community Nursing, HHC.
On 10/30/2020 at 6:39 PM, HopefulRN4ever said:
I want to be professional but I am uncertain how to respond. What suggestions do you guys have? I don't feel like this is something that I need to tell my supervisor, but I am making notes in a personal record of when things like this are said so I show to my supervisor why I might need to leave working with a particular family.
How do you guys handle room comments in a professional manner? What do you do to avoid feel shame and to stay resilient?
I'm going to keep this short because that's how you should respond to them - short and sweet. I've had to deal with some ignorant comments from former patients' family members, and I've learned to say "I'll be happy to discuss anything related to (client) with you, but I don't discuss my personal life. If you prefer a different nurse, I'll be happy to let the office know that my (weight, height, national origin, skin color - whatever they have a problem with) is an issue for you." They generally quickly recover from whatever biases they have and will usually start apologizing profusely. I don't let them feel good about themselves by accepting the apology at once, instead I say something like "If you don't mind, I'd like to do my job now" or "I really have to leave now." And that's it.
I used to think like some other suggestions: ignore it, suck it up, or say something passive aggressive. But you know, over a long time, it started eating at me. Like I'm having to hide myself and pretend I'm someone else.
Now I just say it plain and clear, in the nicest way possible: "I know you're trying to be nice, but that statement/question really isn't." This is being true to what I really believe in that situation.
I say this to all new members, please consider changing your screen name. Anonymity is preferable on social media. Everybody & anybody reads posts here, incl lurkers, so better to be safe.
Wow!! Our society has made it OK to just say/do anything and it’s OK?!! If we were truly empowered- I would refuse to work for ANYONE who questioned my ability first of all... and the size of my pants??! You just lost the best caregiver you ever had- MAYBE the message would be that we are NOT your servant and you DO NOT get to dictate to us. How many of us would say that to your auto mechanic or HVAC person?! Well I hope you can get your chubby hands in there to fix my AC!!? Entitled elitists need to be cut off- sorrry MS BIGMOUTH- we can’t find anyone to fulfill this contract because apparently YOU are offensive- and report THAT to the payor/employee group- cuz it’s all about the $$$.... how many weeks without service before THINGS HAVE TO CHANGE!! Why are we any different than other services who would never tolerate this crap??!
People of all walks of life feel they can insult a heavy person,who might not really be heavy.Worked with a Nmgr who would go around calling nurses fat or point out their uniform was bulging,would also tell residents they smelled bad.She made the mistake of telling a patient to stop demanding food that she could afford "to lose some weight"....patient went beserk,breaking,screaming,throwing things..
Most of time ignore and walk away...there will always be people like this if its not your weight,then it is ones height,breastsize,butt size,ears...etc..anything is game....walk away
Specializes in Pediatric HH 3yrs experience, 2yrs acute mental he.
On 11/17/2020 at 7:47 PM, reneejdrn said:
Wow!! Our society has made it OK to just say/do anything and it’s OK?!! If we were truly empowered- I would refuse to work for ANYONE who questioned my ability first of all... and the size of my pants??! You just lost the best caregiver you ever had- MAYBE the message would be that we are NOT your servant and you DO NOT get to dictate to us. How many of us would say that to your auto mechanic or HVAC person?! Well I hope you can get your chubby hands in there to fix my AC!!? Entitled elitists need to be cut off- sorrry MS BIGMOUTH- we can’t find anyone to fulfill this contract because apparently YOU are offensive- and report THAT to the payor/employee group- cuz it’s all about the $$$.... how many weeks without service before THINGS HAVE TO CHANGE!! Why are we any different than other services who would never tolerate this crap??!
You made such a great point here! It made me laugh and smile! It figures that in a female-dominated profession we're expected to accept comments on our body weight
Specializes in Pediatric HH 3yrs experience, 2yrs acute mental he.
On 10/30/2020 at 10:13 PM, amoLucia said:
As a 'big girl' all my life, I really feel sorry for you. In fact, I'm envious of you for your healthy physicality and your ability to rationally deal with your indignation.
It's a societal thing that 'fat-shaming' and fat discrimination are still occurring. Sadly, I don't there will ever be an answer for you and all us other 'big girls'/'big guys'. So it's not going to stop.
I really like a response I learned here just last week . Called the 'grey rock' response. Just don't react. No verbal, no physical, no eye roll, no shrug. Just look and turn away.
Sometimes when I'm at an instant moment when I'm trying to 'affirm' myself, I try to find a mirror (or some reflective surface) and just tell myself. 'amo, you're a good person'. It does the trick for me.
Stay cool & strong (you're worth it!). And find that mirror!
With two of the moms, I tried the gray rock response and they both repeated it louder and in this more recent incident ask me if I heard her. Most the time I am happy with who I am and even though I have "little more junk in the trunk" as my husband lovingly teases, I'm really concerned with my overall health! Too many people in my family have died of heart disease!
Thank you for your support and I really appreciate your response!
Specializes in Mental health, substance abuse, geriatrics, PCU.
On 11/29/2020 at 2:49 PM, Leader25 said:
People of all walks of life feel they can insult a heavy person,who might not really be heavy.Worked with a Nmgr who would go around calling nurses fat or point out their uniform was bulging,would also tell residents they smelled bad.She made the mistake of telling a patient to stop demanding food that she could afford "to lose some weight"....patient went beserk,breaking,screaming,throwing things..
Most of time ignore and walk away...there will always be people like this if its not your weight,then it is ones height,breastsize,butt size,ears...etc..anything is game....walk away
Like most people, I have to take a LOT of crap from my boss but if they pointed out I was fat or my uniform was bulging.... I'd be making the evening news is all ?
You made such a great point here! It made me laugh and smile! It figures that in a female-dominated profession we're expected to accept comments on our body weight
For quite some time in the not-too-distant-past, female airline attendants had very strict wgt limits that they had to adhere. It wasn't until some mega class-action suits changed all that.
With two of the moms, I tried the gray rock response and they both repeated it louder and in this more recent incident ask me if I heard her. Most the time I am happy with who I am and even though I have "little more junk in the trunk" as my husband lovingly teases, I'm really concerned with my overall health! Too many people in my family have died of heart disease!
Thank you for your support and I really appreciate your response!
There are, and will always be people who have zero class/feelings for others. Again, please don't let the ugliness of other people affect you! That said, if you are concerned about your health I would speak to a nutritionist and see if they can help, I don't where you live but maybe see if there are any wellness clinics around. I have one in my area that addresses the wholistic person which would probably have better outcomes. Good luck!
DeeAngel
830 Posts
I would decline to care for those patients anymore, request reassignment elsewhere.