What the heck? (fat-shaming at work)

Updated:   Published

Specializes in Pediatric HH 3yrs experience, 2yrs acute mental he.

I am a pediatric home health nurse and I have a busy and active life outside of work with graduate school and family responsibilities. My company says I am one of the best nurses they have. The parents I work with often complement me on how I work with their children and how I am a good nurse. I understand that parents are stressed with a sick child and are struggling to manage their stress. On a few different occasions with different families, the moms have made a point to imply or out-right comment on my weight. I am 5'9" and I could probably use to lose about 40 lbs. I am active with weight-lifting and swimming on my own time and my weight is "well-distributed" as my best friend told me. Despite needing to lose weight I still have a 4-pack (just can't get the last 2) and I have good muscle tone under the layer of fat from weightlifting. I am in a weight loss program and I am trying to make an effort because I want to be healthy and feel comfortable in my body and be a good example for my family.

I mention all this so you can have an idea of where I am coming from. As a teenager I had an eating disorder and having these moms comment on my weight out of no where makes it hard for me to not turn to old, bad habits of emotional/stress-eating or anorexia. I think it is worse because I don't know how to respond to these insults.

My weight has no bearing on my effectiveness as a nurse and even the moms who make these comments tell my supervisor that I am a really good nurse to their children. I have had these comments come from moms who are really skinny and plump. (I also feel weird when I get compliments as well

I want to be professional but I am uncertain how to respond.  What suggestions do you guys have? I don't feel like this is something that I need to tell my supervisor, but I am making notes in a personal record of when things like this are said so I show to my supervisor why I might need to leave working with a particular family.

How do you guys handle room comments in a professional manner? What do you do to avoid feel shame and to stay resilient?

2
Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in retired LTC.

As a 'big girl' all my life, I really feel sorry for you. In fact, I'm envious of you for your healthy physicality and your ability to rationally deal with your indignation.

It's a societal thing that 'fat-shaming' and fat discrimination are still occurring. Sadly, I don't there will ever be an answer for you and all us other 'big girls'/'big guys'. So it's not going to stop.

I really like a response I learned here just last week . Called the 'grey rock' response. Just don't react. No verbal, no physical, no eye roll, no shrug. Just look and turn away.

Sometimes when I'm at an instant moment when I'm trying to 'affirm' myself, I try to find a mirror (or some reflective surface) and just tell myself. 'amo, you're a good person'. It does the trick for me.

Stay cool & strong (you're worth it!). And find that mirror!

10
Up Vote Up Vote ×

Something short and sweet said in a direct manner, such as, “I’m working on it “. Then immediately redirect conversation to care of the patient. If your tone is cool and your facial expression serious, it should not take too many repeats to get your point across. I make my own disparaging remarks about my obesity and it seems to ward off that subject. Frankly I need a whole lot more on the platter to make me leave a case. 

6
Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Travel, Home Health, Med-Surg.

I am so sorry you have to deal with idiotic rude comments from people!

I would look at them with a total blank look  (or mom look if you have one) and say...Are you afraid I cannot perform my duties because of a few extra pounds? 

Hopefully they would take the hint and shut themselves up.

don't let others dictate your self worth to you, please. Sometimes people say things to put others down in an attempt to elevate themselves and sometimes people are just jerks; these type of people probably say things to others as well based on whatever they can find (weigh, hair style, child rearing etc). I don't know what makes people think they have a right to say something like that or that you care what they say/think. Either way do not internalize their comments (ie don't care what they say) and especially to the point it might make you revert to bad habits. Find that mirror, take control of the situation, let their words slide right off (and yes I know it can be hard!) and continue to do you!

6
Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in retired LTC.
22 minutes ago, Daisy4RN said:

.... . Find that mirror, take control of the situation, let their words slide right off (and yes I know it can be hard!) and continue to do you!

Daisy - is this my 'mirror' you referenced? I'm honored if you did.

Truly, that technique is really a good self-affirming tool for folk to use when one is at the lowest low point for whatever. I think there's been times for all of us when we just have to be good to ourselves to get over some rough spot.

Op doesn't deserve that negativity. I wish her well going forward.

4
Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Travel, Home Health, Med-Surg.
1 hour ago, amoLucia said:

Daisy - is this my 'mirror' you referenced? I'm honored if you did.

Truly, that technique is really a good self-affirming tool for folk to use when one is at the lowest low point for whatever. I think there's been times for all of us when we just have to be good to ourselves to get over some rough spot.

Op doesn't deserve that negativity. I wish her well going forward.

Yes Amo that is your mirror I referenced and I should have mentioned that, sorry. I think that is very good advice because we all need self care at some point in order to get past the stupidity of others (unfortunately). It has always been that way but it seems more pronounced these days with some people needing to share those sort of opinions (of a personal nature) with others in a hurtful manner. 

I also wish OP wellness going forward.

1
Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in retired LTC.

That little 'trick' is unbelievably helpful when times become super stressful. It addresses my dilemma immediately  and at no cost or dependence on any one else.

Sometimes, when I'm reeally stressed, I just look at myself in my mirror and tell myself, 'amo, you're worth more' or  'you're doing good, don't screw it'.

It works! I would hope that OP, Daisy, and others could benefit by that little 'trick' too.

 

4
Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Community health.
On 11/1/2020 at 3:04 PM, Daisy4RN said:

 

I would look at them with a total blank look  (or mom look if you have one) and say...Are you afraid I cannot perform my duties because of a few extra pounds?

I love this response. It reminds the client that you are here to do a job. She’s not your buddy that she can chat about personal things with. If your weight doesn’t affect your job, there’s no need for her to comment on it. If that’s too confrontational then the gray-rock response works too!

3
Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Burn, ICU.

I don't know how this would fly, but I see a lot of people at work shaming themselves for food choices/lack of exercise. I make a point to say, out loud, I don't care what you eat, I am not the food police, eat food you like and don't apologize for it.  I think it's weirdly performative when people want to justify, out loud, why they reeeeallly need a cookie right now. Eat the cookie. I am not in charge of whether you eat a cookie, unless there's like, a code going on.  I am not your audience for this weird performance. Just eat the cookie. 

Anyway, if some of these parents are pulling this in your presence, maybe respond directly to it (and ignore the part that seems to be directed at you)? So, when client's mom says "I had a long day and please don't judge me for eating xyz...but you look like you've had a few of those days yourself," ignore the second part...she's just projecting insecurity onto you. Respond to the first part: "Your food is your business." "I'm not the food police." etc... Maybe you'll help her change *her* internal script about food (slowly)!

If they concern-troll you about your "health," though, shut it down with "Oh, thanks but I only discuss my health with my doctor. Now, how's junior doing today?"

5
Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in retired LTC.

marienm - very astute observation re some folk's self-depreciation. And then their clumsy attempts to foist it off elsewhere.

So what! You made an unwise choice! NOTE: I didn't say 'BAD' like so many folk do. Why beat yourself up?!!? So it wasn't the wisest choice; it's history, and time to move past it. And try to make the 'wiser' choice next time.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Surgical Specialty Clinic - Ambulatory Care.

“Every body is different, so to each their own.” And redirect back to work.  Who gives a rats kabootle how big or small you are? And even more so to people who aren’t sharing your life.

Fat shaming is like when I was in the sixth grade and as a prank a girl got a guy I was crushing on to ‘ask me out’ and then when I said yes laughed at me and told me there was no way he’d date a fat pig like me. So I understand the insecurity. I’ve always been big.

This isn’t about them. It’s about you. 1st do not EVER read into someone’s comments who is a client. You don’t know them well enough to do that. 2nd, you’ve seen people...babies die right? You really don’t have time in this world to let someone else dictate how well you are or are not keeping yourself. There are way more important things to waste time on.  
 

2
Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Psychiatry, Community, Nurse Manager, hospice.

People are incredibly rude. It is totally inappropriate for anyone to comment on your weight at work. Or anywhere else. Jerks.

I would probably ignore it the first time. The second time, I might make a face and say "I don't appreciate that."

And a third time, just leave the assignment. 

 

1
Up Vote Up Vote ×
+ Join the Discussion