What HAVE you said to patients???

[jessi1106]

Oh there are so many things I have *wanted* to say....

Tonight I said to a twentysomething:"You are an adult, if you want to be treated like one, then you need to act like one". She actually changed her tune a bit....:)

[Esme12, ASN, BSN, RN]

One day many years ago in a very busy ICU the husband and boyfriend of a critical patient showed up at he same much to each others suprise. As they proceeded to fist fight and hit each other with furniture I took the CO2 fire extinguisher and sprayed them both.........as they looked at me in shock I informed them that I was far too busy to deal with their crap....as they both tried to plead their case......I informed them....."Frankly I don't care if you go outside and kill each other....as long as it is across the street and I don't have to fill out the paperwork!" They looked at each other and walked out talking to each other about how crazy that nurse was........

[flashpoint]

To the patient who looked at my chest and asked, "Are those real? Flash me and prove those are real!" I said, "Did your wife ever try to put you on a diet? My husband is on a diet and he is mean! And jealous...and very protective of me...and he has a terrible temper." He didn't make any suggestive comments to anyone for the remainder of his stay.

To the parent who refused to pick up her screaming baby (baby was admitted for failure to thrive...only eight pounds at six months). "Pick her up...do it now. Do it when she cries...do it when you feed her...do it often."

[86toronado, BSN, RN]

just last week, a patient came into ed with a-fib in the 180's. he was hemming and hawing about whether or not he should stay and let me put an iv in and treat his condition, or just go home, because he "felt fine". he and his wife were discussing it at length while i stood there with the iv kit waiting for him to let me do my job. finally i grew tired of waiting, and said:

"sir, if you want to leave right now, i will bring you the papers that you need to sign, but i guarantee you that if you go home now you will die."

he shut up and let me put the iv in.

[ShayRN]

Had a patient that had been fresh with me on one too many occasions. Finally, he asked if a nurse could just crawl into bed with him for the night, I very calmly explained that I was going home soon. But the night nurses were coming on soon and he could possibly ask one of them. I would be sure to send "Pete" or "Joe" in as soon as report was over.

[kessadawn, BSN, RN]

Patient was a teen who had enough vodka in his system to require intubation initially. By the time I get him he's extubated, and being a jerk. I was polite and firm all night. No, you can't have any food or drink. No, you really need that NG we won't remove it. Well, the next time I walk in the room, he's waving his freshly removed NG at me with a smirk on his face. MD says just leave it, even though I BEGGED for an order to replace it. So, for the rest of the night, this kid whines about the foley. All night. CONSTANTLY. By 4am I was over it. And I said:

"You know what, you want to pull out that foley, you go right ahead. But let me tell you about the balloon holding it in place, the one that will split your member down the middle as you yank it out, leaving it look like a microwaved hot dog. Oh, and BTW, when you wake up from anesthesia after urology has to put you back together in surgery, YOU WILL HAVE ANOTHER FOLEY IN PLACE, so perhaps you should just suck it up, son!"

And he starts to cry. Like a toddler. And his mother jumps up in his face and says "AND ANOTHER THING..."

I left the room. He was quiet for the rest of the night.

[kool-aide, RN]

Patient was a teen who had enough vodka in his system to require intubation initially. By the time I get him he's extubated, and being a jerk. I was polite and firm all night. No, you can't have any food or drink. No, you really need that NG we won't remove it. Well, the next time I walk in the room, he's waving his freshly removed NG at me with a smirk on his face. MD says just leave it, even though I BEGGED for an order to replace it. So, for the rest of the night, this kid whines about the foley. All night. CONSTANTLY. By 4am I was over it. And I said:

"You know what, you want to pull out that foley, you go right ahead. But let me tell you about the balloon holding it in place, the one that will split your member down the middle as you yank it out, leaving it look like a microwaved hot dog. Oh, and BTW, when you wake up from anesthesia after urology has to put you back together in surgery, YOU WILL HAVE ANOTHER FOLEY IN PLACE, so perhaps you should just suck it up, son!"

And he starts to cry. Like a toddler. And his mother jumps up in his face and says "AND ANOTHER THING..."

I left the room. He was quiet for the rest of the night.

You're awesome.

[Nascar nurse, ASN, RN]

Had an elderly confused man tell my "I wanna piece of ass" as I was doing his admit assessment - his family present. Without missing a beat I replied "I think we are actually having sausage for lunch not butt steak" and went right into my next assessment question.

The entire room of family visitors exploded in laughter & it's a good think because that came out of my mouth before I even thought about it.

[qcumba]

To a 9 year old brat, post cardiac surgery, after a long night of being ordered to lift/ lower the head of the bed, fetch that, bring this,refusing her oral meds and being a general PITA..eventually just prior to shift change, while I am busy getting everything finished before handover she say's "put the bed down" I initially made as if I hadn't heard her, but when she ordered me do it a second time I said "All you have to do is ask nicely, say please and I will lower your bed with pleasure" her reply was to stick her nose in the air and refuse to be polite, her bed was never lowered... by me anyway

[roser13, ASN, RN]

Patient was a teen who had enough vodka in his system to require intubation initially. By the time I get him he's extubated, and being a jerk. I was polite and firm all night. No, you can't have any food or drink. No, you really need that NG we won't remove it. Well, the next time I walk in the room, he's waving his freshly removed NG at me with a smirk on his face. MD says just leave it, even though I BEGGED for an order to replace it. So, for the rest of the night, this kid whines about the foley. All night. CONSTANTLY. By 4am I was over it. And I said:

"You know what, you want to pull out that foley, you go right ahead. But let me tell you about the balloon holding it in place, the one that will split your member down the middle as you yank it out, leaving it look like a microwaved hot dog. Oh, and BTW, when you wake up from anesthesia after urology has to put you back together in surgery, YOU WILL HAVE ANOTHER FOLEY IN PLACE, so perhaps you should just suck it up, son!"

And he starts to cry. Like a toddler. And his mother jumps up in his face and says "AND ANOTHER THING..."

I left the room. He was quiet for the rest of the night.

I'm thrilled that Mom chose to jump in and chastise Junior. I wouldn't have been surprised if you reported that she had had your ass for being mean to innocent little Johnny.

Guess I'm just cynical

[belgarion]

Elderly pt. with pneumonia had oders to keep his HOB at >30 deg. Every time we left his room his wife would lower it to nearly flat. I was trying for the umpteenth time to expain the rationale for keeping his head elevated and she cried "but he always sleeps on his back and he just looks sooooo uncomfortable!" Without thinking I repied, "so you think he'll be more comfortable when he can't breathe?"

Another night the family of a pt. with COPD kept cranking up his O2 (to 4L via nc) and raising the room temp to around 80 deg. After the third time of finding her with sats in the low sixties and gasping for breath I told them again why giving someone with COPD more O2 is not necessarily good and they do better when the room doesn't feel like a sauna. When they said that's what they do at home I snapped back "if it works so well why is this her fifth admission with exacerbated COPD in the last two months?" Got to spend quality time with the DON but the doctor shook my hand and thanked me.

[Daisy_08, BSN, RN]

"if you do not stop yelling I will call the police and have you arrested for disturbing the peace"

-to a 105 yo confused and waking up the whole floor-this was my billionth attempt to quiet him down and it worked!

[optimist]

50 Y.O man admitted to LTC for abnormal gait (note:he can ambulate to the BR but chooses not to because he's "too young for a walke"r so he lies in the bed and uses his brief by choice!)

While changing a nasty stage II decub dsg to his sacrum he looks back and says "My a$$ didnt hurt until I got stuck in this place"

My response (which I should have filtered but slipped)

"Well if you'd get off your a$$ and hobble to the BR with that walker we offered instead of lying in your own sh!t, I bet your a$$ would feel better in no time!!"

We've been on good terms ever since