Waxing hysterical

[MistyDawnRN06, BSN, RN]

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,

painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play

with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind

for the next few hours: Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the

medicine cabinet.

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right

off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I

am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other

stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I

get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ( Cold wax,

yeah right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight

and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too

bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter

of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak

back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop

my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I

apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the

right half and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was

a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself .RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning,

I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another

deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may

pass out must stay conscious Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe,

breathe OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me

so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the

glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no

hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on

the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. lady parts? Sealed shut!

Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and

think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop

off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll

run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the

wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off,

right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture

prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only

thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them

glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub in scalding hot

water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the

bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret

of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my

butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!" There is a

slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does

try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax

is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?" She's laughing out

loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I

call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the

joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I

resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to

have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub

in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the

brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure

I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress

counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving

grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I

really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The

scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's

sooo painful, l but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!! I get a

hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully

remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and

despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So I

recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have

amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

[suzy253, RN]

Oh

My

God

I just can't imagine!!! The pain, the pain!!!

I'm brave enough to get my eyebrows waxed....that's it!

[Jarnaes]

Wow- I died laughing this morning. And now I know how not to do it... Thank you for being the guinea pig. This was too funny.

[kittagirl]

lol

Just in case you ever get brave again, baby oil also removes wax even the cold stuff, and is a bit kinder................

[RNRao]

Wow that was a funny story sorry to have been at your expense. I your inclined to do so putting anti-perspirant/deodorant down there will aid in the razor burn.....LOL your to funny.

[RGN1]

I haven't laughed this hard in a while - sorry it was at your expense but you do tell the story really well!!

[augigi, CNS]

Yep, I've read this before, it's a good one. Heh.

[JentheRN05, RN]

I've actually had a similar actual experience! Except the glued to the tub part. Dumb dumb blonde I am

[MistyDawnRN06, BSN, RN]

Oh, this wasn't me (Thank Goodness)! This was a joke forwarded to me that I couldn't resist sharing. I laughed until I cried when I read it. I was just hoping others would get a laugh too!

Enjoy!!!

[JentheRN05, RN]

I know - I've seen the joke before - but what made it funnier is the fact that I actually have had soemthing like that happen.

[mamason]

Dear MistyDawn,

After wallowing in self pity from a couple of bad days here on the homefront, I came across your post. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.LOL. GOD!!!!! I needed that!!! I'm sorry it's at your expense though. I could just picture me doing the same thing. Thanks for the much needed laugh!

[malenurse1]

Okay, not having to wax or shave my nether regions ... more reasons I am glad I am not a woman! Thanks for the laugh!