please excuse the lack of appropriate capitalization...my cat spilled milk on the keyboard, and I am still having trouble...
i'm a first semester student, a-b grades. clinical reviews were fine midterm. there is a person in my clinical group who is a gossip, malicious and someone who enjoys stirring the pot. this person will actively accumulate grievances and solicit folks' complaints about others. sadly, this time i was the target.
i knew trouble was brewing, because my clinical instructor spoke with me about three certain events. in the interest of brevity, i won't go into details at this time, but i explained my actions, was not written up, but advised to deal better with other people's boundaries. fine, i can accommodate that; it's not easy, but i can do that. i did, at the time of the talking to, explain what had happened, and i thought we had moved past that. upon further consideration and a bit of a cooling-off time
overnight, i approached my clinical instructor the next morning and asked for a one on one meeting with the person who lodged the complaints against me, mediated by the instructor. i felt it would be best to clear the air between them and i...she said she'd ask them. turns out that person refused to do it one on one, approached me, told me that 'the whole group has a problem with you, and we're going to deal with it as a group.'
i went to my clinical instructor, told her i was not willing to sit there in a group and listen to them gang up on me; that if certain people had issues, i was more than willing to deal with them one on one, but not in a public situation. she reassured me that would not happen. further, since she and i had already addressed the issues, i wasn't sure what purpose having a 'group meeting' would do other than be humiliating and upsetting to me. again, she agreed, and reassured me it would not happen.
guess what happened...
Yesterday, in post conference, the 'group meeting' was had. not only with our clinical group, but with two other people from a group whose teacher had been absent that day. not only those two people, but our class coordinator to whom i had not addressed anything with, and who had not discussed anything with me.
let's just say i sat there for an hour, defensive and fighting to maintain control. i sat there and heard things which did not happen get discussed; i heard how i was neglecting my patient, and on and on. when i left the room, i made it out to the street before crying. there were several people who both said this group meeting was uncomfortable for them, and who also defended me.
the upshot of all this is that i am very, very, very upset. i feel utterly betrayed by my instructor, and like i can't go to her and believe what she says about anything; after all, she told me this would not happen.
i feel completely humiliated; and feel as though if i say anything, it will be taken as relatiatory, and looked upon badly.
but mostly, i am beyond furious that i was accused of neglecting a patient. at no time, in no way, shape or form, have i ever neglected a patient; if i did something the rn asked me to, it was when my patient was zonked on norco or in xray or whatever...in other words, when i had time to assist.
now, let's face it. have i made mistakes...of course. i'm a student. i'm going to err. that's what being a student is about. did the clinical instructor write me up/ again, no...
what has got me sleepless and completely anxiety-ridden is the way this was handled. i did not expect, nor did i appreciate, being put into the middle of a group and told how horrible i am. i did not appreciate, nor deserve, people outside the group being part of this, especially as they had nothing to do whatsoever with the incident/s/ in question. and i most certainly do not appreciate being told this was not going to happen, and having it happen.
i feel bushwhacked, ambushed, ganged up on, whatever the term you choose to use, i feel it. i am humiliated, furious, upset, and have been in tears on and off since this happened. i can't trust my clinical instructor; and only a few folks in clinicals at this point.
i am exhausted; it's 2;30 am, i should be fast asleep, but i never even got to bed last night. i go to class in a few hours...and i don't know what to expect or if another bomb is waiting to go off.
i can't believe that this is happening; i am not willing to ever be publicly humiliated like this again...i wasn't willing to be in this situation in the first place. i am a mature adult, and don't expect to be treated like a child, and don't appreciate it, either.
and i don't know what to do. i can do nothing, or i can escalate, or i can wait and see. i'm just not sure how to protect myself from future assaults and yes i see this as an assault...
what would you do, and how would you do it.
again, thanks for bearing with the poor keyboarding...i will have a new keyboard shortly, because i can't stand this either.
best-
lovin learning
although not so much right now...
