VERY difficult but happy decision

leslie :-D · Sep 12, 2007

jerico, heartfelt congratulations for being in such demand.

i agree with steph:

that consulting w/a counsellor would serve as an objective mediator.

if you can get your husband to agree to that, you're halfway there.

it's obvious where your heart is.

and it's a bonus that your 8th grader doesn't seem to mind if you move.

keeping my fingers and toes crossed for you.

leslie

CHATSDALE · Sep 12, 2007

i think that this opportunity might not come this way again

is your husbands concern about friends/family or about the 8y/o school interests. does he feel that this is not the time to sell your house

lot of factors but try for a compromise

ICRN2008, BSN, RN · Sep 12, 2007

I'd try to go to a counselor with my husband and have both of you able to talk about your concerns.
Your husband isn't an ogre . . . you guys are partners and he does have some rights as to how this move would effect him. Not veto rights but still.
Best wishes!
steph

I agree with steph. Good luck with your decision.

kakamegamama · Sep 12, 2007

What an exciting opportunity! I hope it works out for you. I will say however, as one who sacrificed time with husband for work, it wasn't worth it. No amount of praise/promotion/schooling paid for can bring back my best friend. He died 5 1/2years ago--suddenly. I was at the top of my category of nursing at that time, had it "all" professionally. In retrospect, I would give it all away in a heartbeat to recapture that time sacrificed. My point? Work is temporal. Relationships, especially with another half, worth so much more.

twinmommy+2, ADN, BSN, MSN · Sep 12, 2007

I think I would reason with him. Ask him why he doesn't want to move. Perhaps you could do this in 2 years when he retires.

I don't know. It would seem like to me the marriage is on rocky ground if none of you are willing to comprimise, and like you were willing to end a marriage for sake of carreer.

Love him, see where he is coming from, and hopefully he will do the same for you. Other than that it is a very personal desicion and we can't help you make this one.

Have been offered job by three different hospitals.
Pay is not enough to choose one over the other. I have one year NICU III experience and plan to be NNP asap.
One is a dream NICU(world class education dept, good equipment, etc) non-profit but I'd have to move (spouse totally against moving). This dream NICU would look best on my resume and they pay my NNP school, which is very close to the facility. It is the best choice for my career. The cost of living is 19% higher; pay is adjusted for that. If I took this NICU I could stay there the next year for more experience and then just "roll over" into the NNP program at the same facility. It has a dozen NNPS and neonatologists....BIG medical community.
Other is also a good NICU, union shop. It is a Dept of Defense position. They do not offer NNP opportunity nor have they indicated much formal training experience. Very relaxed, good people to work for. Cheap living. If I took this I'd be moving on in the next 12-18 months, they have 1NNP on staff.
I am older, have sacrificed my career over my spouse for 20 years, but he says no go. We have an 8th grader that wants to go wherever I go. My spouse does not have to worry about work, he works out of the house and his work is not dependent on being where we are for "customers". We could live in anyplace and he'd make just as much money.
He says I am being selfish. I left my GREAT career 20 years ago to stop and have three children....I think it is my turn and I am not being selfish.
Am losing ALOT of sleep over this!
Please don't say it is a personal choice....have half a mind to stay where job is "safe" and easy; and does not upset spouse. My other half keeps saying DO IT - go for the BIG time NICU opportunity. I had a 3.6 in nursing school and have another degree and my overall GPA is about a 3.7. I want to spend the next 20 years soaring on my new career....but spouse is being wet blanket. He has to retire in 2-4 years and I am going to be sole income plus his retirement income.
Ideas, comments, encouragement? I MUST make this decision by Thursday 9/13.
There is no turning back, because am afraid if I don't take the BIG opportunity they will never consider me(again) down the road (1 year from now).

imenid37 · Sep 12, 2007

Congratulations on your accomplishments! I hope you find a way to take the really great job. I think going to a counselor w/ your spouse might be helpful. He needs to see that this is really important for you. A reason not to move should be more important than he just doesn't want to. Would he expect you to move if it suited him? I am thinking that one is yes! My husband is a nice guy in many ways, but very selfish. He is a son and brother first followed but dad, co-worker,friend, and husband after that. I can see myself in a similar position to yours in the near future. I hope I have the courage to tell him what I really want if the time comes. I think a third party could be really helpful. I wish you the best, you deserve it! :)

bigsyis · Sep 12, 2007

I think it is up to the marriage. If you have a good marriage, then some sort of compromise would seem to be best. If the marriage is on shaky ground, take the 8th grader and go to the job that would make you happiest.

My 2 cents worth.

rn/writer, RN · Sep 12, 2007

Seems like counseling is in order here. Whatever benefits one of you benefits both of you in the long run. And whatever hurts one hurts both, as well.

A counselor might be able to help your husband verbalize what is keeping him rooted to the place you are now. Is there some unspoken tie to the area? Is he fearful of change? Does he have some undercurrent of anger that requires him to resist what you want? Could be that even he doesn't really know the reasons behind his choice.

Whatever is behind his refusal to consider moving, you'd do well to investigate it. You can't truly know how to proceed until you know what is really at stake.

I wish you the best.

scottjon · Sep 12, 2007

From a guy's perspective (not sure if there have been any others yet, sorry if there have been)....

What other posters have said about getting into counseling seems like the spot-on approach. There's clearly an underlying problem in this relationship. One thing that I haven't seen mentioned is the possibility that he's feeling threatened by your plans to become an NP, and the change in income and autonomy this will bring you, and how it might affect your relationship with him. How did he react when you wanted to go back to school for nursing in the first place?

I can't count on all my digits how many women I've known who have sacrificed their successful careers for their husbands, and years/decades later, had such seething resentment about it. Marriage is a partnership... that means both sides have to compromise... ALL the time. But too often I see only one side compromising, and can you guess which one it is? (and don't forget to get me that beer while you're in the kitchen!)

He has to articulate what his problem is. If he can't/won't, then you have to do what is best for you. I don't see how this will be possible in the next 24 hours, though (awfully short notice). Perhaps if you had a serious chat with the dream job folks about this, and explained that in a year's time or so, you'd be in a better position to accept, and that you're REALLY INTERESTED, but family issues prevent the move at this time. There's always turnover. Just keep your eyes open on that facility.

To the poster who lost her husband a few years ago, my condolences. It sounds like you had a great marriage. But it also sounds like this wasn't someone who would stifle your needs, either. To those who think the marriage is the most important thing, I'd agree, ASSUMING that both parties were treating each other with respect. Too often, however, I see women getting the short end of the stick.

ebear, BSN, RN · Sep 13, 2007

Hi, Jericho,

Did you make a decision yet? I know tomorrow is the 13th.

ebear;)

Jerico, BSN, RN · Sep 13, 2007

Thanks to all of you for helping me think this from every angle.

I took the job where I do not have to commute three hours back and forth once a week and miss giving time to our son.

When I mentioned my spouse works out of home, I meant he can fly out of any major airport so it doesn't really matter where we live. However, that means my spouse is out of town 75% of the month - and if I also were not here my son would have to stay with a sitter/housekeeper because my spouse would certainly not want him to go with me to live each weekend in a commuter apartment.

So I think for my son, especially as one poster mentioned, at this teen time with high school looming it would be better to stay here and take the 2nd choice job. It isn't going to kill me, though I will say I'd love to do it. I just don't want to have to argue and haggle with my spouse, either.

We have three other teens/young adults in college - two here (but not living at home) and one back east and if I wait to go back into full career mode again, two will be in their last year of college and that would probably work better too.

I will just look at the positive side: son stays stable, no need to sell home or rent it out (I just got done remodeling/renovating completely); grand kids in this city, this NICU has GREAT equipment and supplies for the babies and it also is five floors above the city where I'll be able to see city lights on nights!

And as always, God WILL give me more opportunities should that be His plan.:balloons: He gave me these great choices, for that I am happy, too.

leslie :-D · Sep 13, 2007

jerico, wishing you the very best...

leslie