Been a nurse for 7 years. Mostly OR but recently I am on my 8th month of Med Surg. I am really, REALLY struggling. Feel on the verge of a nervous breakdown... well I had a mini-one at work yesterday. The stress just got to me and usually I go cry in the bathroom for a minute then get back to work. This time I was on the verge and/or crying, had 8+ co-workers ask if I was ok, what's wrong... which just made me cry again. I really feel like I need to get out of this job but, you know, bills, job hopper resume, etc etc....
A little background: I have bipolar II, anxiety. Since nursing school I have been thinking I possibly made the wrong career choice. I have hated 90% of the work I do. I have been driven to the point of some Nurse Jackie moments and could easily have lost my license many times over. I went to meetings, got help, got it under control. I feel like I cut so many corners just to get through the day. I see a psych nurse and have to take drugs just to get through my days; legal, prescription drugs but still. If I were not so extremely anxious and full of adrenaline, they might make me drowsy, but all they do is bring me to a state of LESS anxiety so that I can function enough to do my job. I literally have to drug myself in order to tolerate my job. Usually it works okay, but yesterday I still melted down even with my meds onboard.
My patients love me. My co-workers love me, I just had a great review from my boss. I fake it well but I feel like I am slowly being crushed and dying inside, and am mere moments away from snapping.
I found a per-diem job doing post-op at a surgery center. Less pay, WAY less stress, definitely tolerable for now. I am there 2 days a week at the moment
I am considering leaving the hospital job altogether to go full time at the surgery center. But that would require me to work 5 days a week, which has been a problem in the past with my mood disorder. I need more days off to do self care. The drawbacks of the surgery center are no breaks (yes it's illegal, but they have a culture of not getting people their breaks, and I don't think I am going to be the one to swoop in and change all that. I already brought it up and they pretended to try for a day). $6/hour lower pay. I don't think going full time there is the answer; I will get fed-up with no breaks, or bored, and quit.
My other idea is to take a medical or personal leave (which one would that be for nervous breakdown related to job stress?) at the hospital job while continuing per-diem at surgery center, just to have some time to think. Can you take leave at one job while working another?
I am at my whit's end. I am not cut out for high-stress jobs; I have tried therapy, books, meditation, bla bla bla. I probably need to change professions altogether but don't know how else to make this kind of money.
Should I quit hospital job immediately? Ask for leave while working per-diem at lower stress place? I was going to try to make it to my one-year mark in med-surg. But that's 24 more shifts til May (I work 2x12 hour shifts a week) and I just don't think I can force myself to do it. Help?? Thanks in advance
Thanks so much everyone. I am so tenacious and stubborn, but yes, I might need a break. I think I can handle two days a week at the low stress job, but I already emailed my psych NP and am going to get some perspective and help. I definitely don't think I should be on the med-surg floor... it's just terrifying to lose a foot in the door at a big stable hospital with benefits at 24 hours per week. Terrified of losing my health insurance... but I think I would be healthier out of this job and with no insurance!! Sad, eh?
THANK YOU all again. It's almost like I am trying to get enough votes, enough other people to tell me, yes, enough is enough and sometimes you just need to walk away.
*sigh* going to try and let go and trust... moment by moment, eh?
Specializes in M/S, LTC, Corrections, PDN & drug rehab.
I am Bipolar as well & your post sounds eerily similar to what I have gone through.
I would take jobs I knew I would hate or would be too stressful for me, work awhile & then quit with no notice. If you looked at my resume you would be shocked I could get a job as a nurse at all any more!
I haven't seriously worked as a nurse for 4 years, ever since I got pregnant with my first child. Honestly, I needed that break. That was also when I got the diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder. So it was a blessing in disguise.
I am currently pregnant with my second child & plan on applying to a bridge program after my son is born & older. I want to be mentally stable before I even attempt nursing school again. I am not on any meds during my pregnancy but the pregnancy itself seems to level me out.
I know after I have my son I risk flying off the charts like I did with my first child. That makes me super nervous so I am planning on going back on the meds I was taking before I got pregnant as soon as I get home from the hospital.
You need to slow down before something serious happens to you or a patient. If you can handle working at the PRN job, then just take a break from your main job. But it is probably best to take a break from both. I know the thought of leaving your main job & losing all your benefits is scary. Thankfully my family qualifies for Medicaid & my husband works full time.
I only wish you the best in the difficult time. Working with Bipolar Disorder is not easy or fun.
Specializes in Case mgmt., rehab, (CRRN), LTC & psych.
Years ago I worked in the short-term rehabilitation section of a SNF. It was one of the most stressful jobs I ever had.
In addition to constant free-floating anxiety, I experienced physical fight-or-flight symptoms such as palpitations, stomach fluttering, and the urge to defecate. My feelings of dread would begin the day before reporting to work.
So based on my limited experience, certain jobs can trigger extreme anxiety and nervousness in those of us who are susceptible. Good luck to you.
Specializes in Psych, Corrections, Med-Surg, Ambulatory.
Yes, you sound temperamentally unsuited for your job.
Personally, I think the rise and all these anxiety disorders is a direct result of our crazy society and modern culture.
Recognize that you are very sane and having a natural response to an insane world. Money isn't everything, I think you should find a less stressful job that you are suited for.
Actually, I think anxiety disorders in nurses are the result of sweat shop working conditions in hospitals and nursing homes. I wonder how many other nurses are getting great reviews and dying inside. I do agree that OP should make it a priority to get out of that situation.
OP, I'm glad you're actively looking for ways to take care of yourself. I'm wishing you all the best.
I have anxiety and depression. Actually right now has been exceptionally bad. I just graduated and started a job on an acute rehab facility. I feel stressed at times, but not anywhere near what I'd feel on a general medical floor. I know I'm not cut our for it. I agree with everyone else in that you need to take care of yourself. Just because one environment isn't for you doesn't mean you won't excel in another. I would look for a job maybe outside the hospital environment.
I relate to this so much I have anxiety/depression (no diagnosis of bipolar disorder yet, but I'm suspecting), and my work environment makes it so much worse. I've had several panic attacks/nervous breakdowns at work, even with my meds. Best of luck, OP! Take some time off to take care of yourself. ((hugs))
Oh man, I thought for a minute I had typed this original post. Thank you for saying all of this. (I've also been diagnosed Bipolar, many years ago...but I am off all meds and living a good life-until I start working as a nurse again. Then my whole world falls to pieces.) I'm losing my mind trying to stay in nursing.
Don't do what I did, I've been licensed as a RN for over 20 years though I've taken lots and lots of time off to do other things. This time will be my last. I cannot keep my head together and accept the ridiculousness that is 'wealth-care' in this country while still trying to tout it to my patients as being even close to adequate. Profits over patients, that's all I see, and that stark but honest appraisal of the health care system lands me in a world of hurt every time. I either melt down and quit, run away (started travel nursing a few years ago, that sort of worked), or get fired. I think I've finally learned my lesson. I'm ok working a few days a week, but full time as a nurse is the pits for me (and I can't really afford to only work a few days a week). I think that I just don't want to work in this system that I personally believe is nothing more than another profit endeavor for the administrators, hospitals, pharmaceutical and insurance companies, and everyone involved except the patients.
So, what to do? I don't know, but it cannot be like this anymore for me. I have wasted the majority of my life chasing the all important USD and killing my sprit. I am more regretful about that than anything else I've ever done or not done.
I am so overwhelmed that I can't even make a decent decision right now. I have two options I've been tossing around for some time now, but I'm scared of both-what if I make the wrong choice (again)? 1. Pick an international medical mission and go do it-maybe actually doing something good in a framework of severe and dire need will be good for me. Years of emergency nursing across the nation have to count for something, don't they?
2. Go take a TEFL class and just leave for good. I am happiest when I don't have to return to a hospital, and happiest while traveling outside of the US, so why not? Money cannot dictate my life anymore. It's become a non-life. I cannot keep beating my head against a wall.
I think you're smart in realizing where you are. Don't push it. Give yourself a life that you enjoy. Keep yourself sane and healthy. Recharge, put yourself first, and make your mark somewhere that suits you. Definitely give yourself a break, our system is ridiculous and anyone who goes a becomes crazy within it is, I believe, very well justified. Give yourself a bit of peace so you can make a good decision from a good place.
Never choose money over mental health. Get yourself the medical help you need and find a job you can do without feeling overwhelmed. Med-surg is probably the best environment for burn-out so don't feel bad that it doesn't suit you.
I am not even a nurse yet, but after reading the comment I wanted to leave my 2 cents. Have you ever thought of School Nursing? You get holidays and summers off, it is MUCH slower than the hospital.
I've been a nurse for three years and have struggled with anxiety and depression through most of it because of the stress. I care for my patients, they usually love me and express appreciation for the care I provide. Currently, I've been in my "dream job" working in a level II trauma center for two years. I appreciate and like most of my team and patients. Staffing and admin is awful, of course, but we all pull through. Everyday, every night, the same stressors and fears are there. Nothing changes except the charge nurse and charting requirements. Lately, the stress has become unbearable. Initially, I assumed it was because I lost a few family members unexpectedly and under traumatic circumstances. I became less willing to cooperate, learn, be flexible, etc. I have been working with my doctor and a therapist trying to find a way to Medicate me in a way that will ensure I am safe to practice. Med side effects are awful so I can't work and then I quit the meds. I left two weeks ago, called in sick for a week and am now filing fmla. I alerted my boss and was honest about my difficulties. So far, everyone is supportive, however, I can't see how I will be able to actually go back to work. Every time I think of it, I burst into tears. My husband and therapist are the only ones who have "given me permission" or votes to leave the profession. Everyone else advises me to keep attempting to attain further degrees, change units, etc. at this point, I just can't. I was recently diagnosed with PTSD which is directly related to my job. I feel horrible and I feel that I am letting everyone down. Nurses have to "suck it up", stick it out, make improvements, be super humans, and pretend we are caring for ourselves so we are safe to practice. I just can't play the game. Maybe after a month off, I'll feel differently as I am currently in distress. I keep thinking about my coworkers and how high achieving and motivated they are and just feel awful about myself. I worked as hard as they did to be where I am but I am stagnant and stressed while they thrive. I have never felt like this in my life and I have been through a lot. I wish you luck and healing. I am spending a lot of time trying to apply for non medical jobs. Anything.
I have anxiety/depression (no diagnosis of bipolar disorder yet, but I'm suspecting), and my work environment makes it so much worse. I've had several panic attacks/nervous breakdowns at work, even with my meds. Best of luck, OP! Take some time off to take care of yourself. ((hugs))
skydancer7, BSN, RN
83 Posts
Thanks so much everyone. I am so tenacious and stubborn, but yes, I might need a break. I think I can handle two days a week at the low stress job, but I already emailed my psych NP and am going to get some perspective and help. I definitely don't think I should be on the med-surg floor... it's just terrifying to lose a foot in the door at a big stable hospital with benefits at 24 hours per week. Terrified of losing my health insurance... but I think I would be healthier out of this job and with no insurance!! Sad, eh?
THANK YOU all again. It's almost like I am trying to get enough votes, enough other people to tell me, yes, enough is enough and sometimes you just need to walk away.
*sigh* going to try and let go and trust... moment by moment, eh?