Verge of nervous breakdown

[skydancer7]

Hello all.

Been a nurse for 7 years. Mostly OR but recently I am on my 8th month of Med Surg. I am really, REALLY struggling. Feel on the verge of a nervous breakdown... well I had a mini-one at work yesterday. The stress just got to me and usually I go cry in the bathroom for a minute then get back to work. This time I was on the verge and/or crying, had 8+ co-workers ask if I was ok, what's wrong... which just made me cry again. I really feel like I need to get out of this job but, you know, bills, job hopper resume, etc etc....

A little background: I have bipolar II, anxiety. Since nursing school I have been thinking I possibly made the wrong career choice. I have hated 90% of the work I do. I have been driven to the point of some Nurse Jackie moments and could easily have lost my license many times over. I went to meetings, got help, got it under control. I feel like I cut so many corners just to get through the day. I see a psych nurse and have to take drugs just to get through my days; legal, prescription drugs but still. If I were not so extremely anxious and full of adrenaline, they might make me drowsy, but all they do is bring me to a state of LESS anxiety so that I can function enough to do my job. I literally have to drug myself in order to tolerate my job. Usually it works okay, but yesterday I still melted down even with my meds onboard.

My patients love me. My co-workers love me, I just had a great review from my boss. I fake it well but I feel like I am slowly being crushed and dying inside, and am mere moments away from snapping.

I found a per-diem job doing post-op at a surgery center. Less pay, WAY less stress, definitely tolerable for now. I am there 2 days a week at the moment

I am considering leaving the hospital job altogether to go full time at the surgery center. But that would require me to work 5 days a week, which has been a problem in the past with my mood disorder. I need more days off to do self care. The drawbacks of the surgery center are no breaks (yes it's illegal, but they have a culture of not getting people their breaks, and I don't think I am going to be the one to swoop in and change all that. I already brought it up and they pretended to try for a day). $6/hour lower pay. I don't think going full time there is the answer; I will get fed-up with no breaks, or bored, and quit.

My other idea is to take a medical or personal leave (which one would that be for nervous breakdown related to job stress?) at the hospital job while continuing per-diem at surgery center, just to have some time to think. Can you take leave at one job while working another?

I am at my whit's end. I am not cut out for high-stress jobs; I have tried therapy, books, meditation, bla bla bla. I probably need to change professions altogether but don't know how else to make this kind of money.

Should I quit hospital job immediately? Ask for leave while working per-diem at lower stress place? I was going to try to make it to my one-year mark in med-surg. But that's 24 more shifts til May (I work 2x12 hour shifts a week) and I just don't think I can force myself to do it. Help?? Thanks in advance

[Kooky Korky, BSN, RN]

Yes, you sound temperamentally unsuited for your job.

Personally, I think the rise and all these anxiety disorders is a direct result of our crazy society and modern culture.

Recognize that you are very sane and having a natural response to an insane world. Money isn't everything, I think you should find a less stressful job that you are suited for.

Our crazy society and culture + vaccines+ Genetically Modified Food + having to try to be perfect + Heaven only knows what all else, chemical and radiation waste polluting the earth and water and air and food.

OP, I don't know what you should do about your job, but it sounds like a review/revision of your meds is in order, also counseling with another person or 2.

I guess it would be good to try not to work full-time if you can avoid it. I am worried about you and hope you have some people in real life that you can turn to for help.

Please keep safe and post here again to let us know how you are and what decisions you might have made.

Are you a veteran by any chance? Can you seek help at a religious or charitable facility?

[Kooky Korky, BSN, RN]

I've been a nurse for three years and have struggled with anxiety and depression through most of it because of the stress. I care for my patients, they usually love me and express appreciation for the care I provide. Currently, I've been in my "dream job" working in a level II trauma center for two years. I appreciate and like most of my team and patients. Staffing and admin is awful, of course, but we all pull through. Everyday, every night, the same stressors and fears are there. Nothing changes except the charge nurse and charting requirements. Lately, the stress has become unbearable. Initially, I assumed it was because I lost a few family members unexpectedly and under traumatic circumstances. I became less willing to cooperate, learn, be flexible, etc. I have been working with my doctor and a therapist trying to find a way to Medicate me in a way that will ensure I am safe to practice. Med side effects are awful so I can't work and then I quit the meds. I left two weeks ago, called in sick for a week and am now filing fmla. I alerted my boss and was honest about my difficulties. So far, everyone is supportive, however, I can't see how I will be able to actually go back to work. Every time I think of it, I burst into tears. My husband and therapist are the only ones who have "given me permission" or votes to leave the profession. Everyone else advises me to keep attempting to attain further degrees, change units, etc. at this point, I just can't. I was recently diagnosed with PTSD which is directly related to my job. I feel horrible and I feel that I am letting everyone down. Nurses have to "suck it up", stick it out, make improvements, be super humans, and pretend we are caring for ourselves so we are safe to practice. I just can't play the game. Maybe after a month off, I'll feel differently as I am currently in distress. I keep thinking about my coworkers and how high achieving and motivated they are and just feel awful about myself. I worked as hard as they did to be where I am but I am stagnant and stressed while they thrive. I have never felt like this in my life and I have been through a lot. I wish you luck and healing. I am spending a lot of time trying to apply for non medical jobs. Anything.

It might seem that your coworkers are high achievers, motivated, etc. but things are not always what they appear to be. I assure you that they all have their own problems. I wish you well, macimm1.

[DowntheRiver]

Once your mental well-being is under control (which is the priority), maybe you should consider a work from home job for an insurance company? Or maybe try something like Urgent Care where you can do 3 12's but the pace is slower? Or maybe Public Health? Or Occupational Health? There's also those recreational IV for health places that always hire RNs - all you do is start IVs all day! You could still do nursing, just not like you are now. Just my two cents.

[amzyRN]

I think you should take a personal leave and then see how you feel. Taking in so much of work is not healthy and I think might be signs of an emerging mental health crisis. There is not shame in that. I believe mental health problems are legitimate biochemical problems like diabetes, except they start in the brain. There shouldn't be so much shame in that. Please take care of yourself and know that once you get your mind in a more healthy place nursing might be a good place for you again.

And once you get to the bottom of what's really going on for you, it might be possible for you to resume a high-stress position. When I've had severe stresses in my personal life, it has been harder for me to function at work and be objective.

Detachment, objectivity and a calm demeanor are necessary to be an effective nurse in a high stress environment. The ability to just do the best we can with the resources we have and be okay with that is important. Being respectful in interactions with co-workers and patients and families is necessary. Also having enough self-respect to stand up for what is right is also important. That includes choosing an employer that supports staff with enough resources that provides a safe environment.

[skydancer7, BSN, RN]

Hello all, thanks so much!! I called out sick today, saw my psych nurse practitioner, got a note for medical leave, and called HR to start the process. I get 3 free counseling sessions through our employee assistance program. I am starting with one month off and will re-assess from there. I still am not clear whether it's ok to be on leave from one job while still getting some per-diem hours at another, but hopefully will find out soon. I LOVE the idea of a work-from-home RN job and have been looking for those jobs lately. Thanks again everyone :) I am feeling better. Still down but hopeful...