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Trying to Get along

Nurses   (703 Views | 12 Replies)
by Chando Chando (New) New

177 Profile Views; 5 Posts

So I just got out of the Marine Corps last year and am in an ADN program. The issue I'm having is working mostly with a lot of Men all the time. I am enjoying working with a lot of women. I have had a lot of terrible experiences with women. Growing up, my mother had a  drug addiction growing up in crack houses living with different people's entire childhood, etc.  Well, in the Marines, women are not treated very well a lot of the time,  and talked down to,fake rumors sexual abuse a lot of super disgusting things just a tough life, and its a hard life. So what I'm getting at is I feel like a butt hole for having those views on women mostly peers pressure . Now working with so many adamant, intelligent, and powerful women, I can't change my childhood, but these women are showing me the best side of women possible. I find my self wanting approval looking at them as mentors more than most men I have had, but I don't feel like I fit the shoes of a nurse no matter how bad I try. I love the classes I find it interesting. Honestly, at first, I was in it for the money, and well being deployed a lot I wanted a family. What I'm asking is how do I get the women I go to class with to want to work with me, cause I want to be a good team member and I want to stop acting like I Know every dang thing like I did in the Marines. I need help, and I want to ensure I am working correctly and not messing stuff up. So I might make it into the program. I want this so bad, I don't want to be the *** guy that no one wants to work with. I was with special forces, and it was very close group. I want the same cohesion where ever I start working. Honestly, I want to fit in. I'm very confident, I'm not afraid to answer questions and tell people there wrong and I enjoy being corrected I feel like it makes me a stronger student and maybe one day RN. I am not very good-looking, so I can only assume instead of being sure I look like an *** not mentioning the looks because of women but in general if you ugly people think your annoying.   I want to be a good nurse, I'm not expecting a pity party and a well you have been "a sexist piece of *** your whole " life it's okay we will treat you like your not part of the problem women are still suppressed in the world. I would never bring this up in person. I want to fit in, and I want to know how to be a helpful male nurse. I want to get torn apart, which is fine. I like crying my self to sleep LOL. Looking for advice on how to better approach trying to be apart of a team. Thank you 
 

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5 Followers; 37,427 Posts; 100,437 Profile Views

Stop worrying and being so self conscious. Best advice I can give is to be as positive as possible and work on zipping your lips. If all people would learn to be more quiet and listen to others they would find it easier to get along with just about everybody.

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5 Posts; 177 Profile Views

Thank you

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5 Followers; 37,427 Posts; 100,437 Profile Views

Seriously, that is the best advice I have to offer! Best of luck to you!

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5 Posts; 177 Profile Views

No super solid advice exactly what I was looking for. I read it and I'm gonna listen to that advice. Seriously thank you for giving me feed back.

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13 Followers; 4,056 Posts; 31,391 Profile Views

Interesting post. I think it's great that you came here.

Here are some items that stood out:

On 3/10/2020 at 1:40 AM, James Chandler said:

I find my self wanting approval

On 3/10/2020 at 1:40 AM, James Chandler said:

I want the same cohesion where ever I start working.

On 3/10/2020 at 1:40 AM, James Chandler said:

Honestly, I want to fit in.

On 3/10/2020 at 1:40 AM, James Chandler said:

I want to fit in,

First recommendation: RELAX. Just my personal opinion/view of life, but I don't think fitting in is very often a worthy goal in and of itself. There are so many bad behaviors and abuses that take place related to someone wanting acceptance and others being voluntarily handed the power (right on a silver platter) to grant or withhold that acceptance.  Learn to accept/love yourself, and you will learn how to accept/love others, and over time the rest will flow from that. People who humbly accept themselves are generally accepted by others, and people who dislike/don't accept themselves often aren't accepted by others, due to the behaviors and difficulties and many other factors that arise when we don't like/accept ourselves.

On 3/10/2020 at 1:40 AM, James Chandler said:

I'm very confident, I'm not afraid to answer questions and tell people there wrong and I enjoy being corrected I feel like it makes me a stronger student and maybe one day RN. I am not very good-looking, so I can only assume instead of being sure I look like an *** not mentioning the looks because of women but in general if you ugly people think your annoying.

James. I say this with all kindness/sincerity: Your writing gives you away. 🙂 You do sound brave, but not confident. You are someone who will put up with a lot in order to escape rejection or gain quasi-acceptance. That is dangerous; it's often of a losing game.

Accept yourself! You're alright. We all have idiosyncrasies, imperfections, have been hurt in the past and have hurt others (knowingly or unknowingly). We all have hopes, dreams, goals, joys and worries. This is the human condition. So...you're already in the club!

On 3/10/2020 at 1:40 AM, James Chandler said:

I want to stop acting like I Know every dang thing like I did in the Marines.

On 3/10/2020 at 1:40 AM, James Chandler said:

I'm not afraid to answer questions and tell people there wrong and I enjoy being corrected

This confident-appearing behavior is a defense mechanism. In other words, something used to protect from perceived danger--which in this case is rejection.

I think you have convinced yourself, during your life experiences, that you enjoy harsh correction or "in your face" types of correction. It is a survival mentality: What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. In reality, most people do not genuinely enjoy that and would accept other means of learning things if they were available. Your peers certainly will not accept interactions that are always sharp-edged as those are harsh and unnecessary.

Many of us know something about harsh childhoods or life experiences, and are familiar with defending ourselves via the "buck up and don't let 'em see you sweat" mechanism in the fact of criticism and rejection. It certainly has its uses. OTOH, there is a kinder, gentler way that life can be lived--and people generally respond favorably to it.

What you need to do, James, is  relax, and accept yourself. 🌻 Kindness is what matters, beginning with yourself and extending outward.

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455 Posts; 1,347 Profile Views

I have found nursing to be extremely diverse, with people of different age, ethnicity, gender, background, etc.  (I'm sure this varies in different regions).  You will fit in for sure.  Most of your nursing professors and mentors will probably be women, and this might humble you.  Some of your skills as a veteran will be an asset.  Have you considered counseling to help you adjust from military life to civilian life?

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Katie82 has 25 years experience and specializes in Med Surg, Tele, PH, CM.

569 Posts; 4,858 Profile Views

As the mother of a male RN, I know the difficulties men face in the profession. My son had trouble the first year of school, but by graduation, he was a driving force in his class. The best advice I can give you is to be honest with your feelings. Probably won't make too much of a difference in school, because everyone is struggling. But if you tell them what you've told us to nurses on the floor, I guarantee you at least half of them will make an effort to help. Nurses love to fix things, just sounds like you need a little fixing. So happy my son stuck it out, he is an awesome nurse. Good luck to you....

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amoLucia specializes in LTC.

5,455 Posts; 46,587 Profile Views

OP - you might want to consider changing your screen name. Much can be said for anonymity. Esp here.

Lots of folk lurk here. Prob even more than I estimate.

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juniper222 has 2 years experience and specializes in Pre Nursing.

260 Posts; 2,027 Profile Views

Have you thought about getting some counseling at the VA? Many of the VAs have programs to help vets deal with fitting back into society. I know getting out and trying to find your way can be very difficult for some vets. At least you would have someone to talk about what you're feeling and offer a different approach that might be helpful.

Edited by juniper222
my keyboard can't spell correctly

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Hey man. About to be a new nurse, and I intern at a major VA center. I don’t date women, so have always had close relationships with women as friends so my feedback might be different. A lot of times when we are trying hard and overcompensating to win the admiration of anyone, it’s motivated in fear. Honestly, just be yourself, learn about issues that women face that men don’t, and EMPATHIZE. Male nurses can be cherished in this field, or we can sometimes face isolation by our peers, but my real feedback is to just realize that men, women, whoever...are all just humans, and relating to eachother on a human level is crucial. Showing loving kindness to our sisters in this profession fosters some deep friendships, because we honestly are fighting the same battle together. Nurses get nurses like soldiers get soldiers, and it really is an amazing thing. If you are genuinely yourself, recognize your trauma responses with regard to women, and practice self-care, you will attract allies in this field like flies to honey. Hope you’re doing well, and staying strong. 

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On 3/10/2020 at 7:59 AM, JKL33 said:

Interesting post. I think it's great that you came here.

Here are some items that stood out:

First recommendation: RELAX. Just my personal opinion/view of life, but I don't think fitting in is very often a worthy goal in and of itself. There are so many bad behaviors and abuses that take place related to someone wanting acceptance and others being voluntarily handed the power (right on a silver platter) to grant or withhold that acceptance.  Learn to accept/love yourself, and you will learn how to accept/love others, and over time the rest will flow from that. People who humbly accept themselves are generally accepted by others, and people who dislike/don't accept themselves often aren't accepted by others, due to the behaviors and difficulties and many other factors that arise when we don't like/accept ourselves.

James. I say this with all kindness/sincerity: Your writing gives you away. 🙂 You do sound brave, but not confident. You are someone who will put up with a lot in order to escape rejection or gain quasi-acceptance. That is dangerous; it's often of a losing game.

Accept yourself! You're alright. We all have idiosyncrasies, imperfections, have been hurt in the past and have hurt others (knowingly or unknowingly). We all have hopes, dreams, goals, joys and worries. This is the human condition. So...you're already in the club!

This confident-appearing behavior is a defense mechanism. In other words, something used to protect from perceived danger--which in this case is rejection.

I think you have convinced yourself, during your life experiences, that you enjoy harsh correction or "in your face" types of correction. It is a survival mentality: What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. In reality, most people do not genuinely enjoy that and would accept other means of learning things if they were available. Your peers certainly will not accept interactions that are always sharp-edged as those are harsh and unnecessary.

Many of us know something about harsh childhoods or life experiences, and are familiar with defending ourselves via the "buck up and don't let 'em see you sweat" mechanism in the fact of criticism and rejection. It certainly has its uses. OTOH, there is a kinder, gentler way that life can be lived--and people generally respond favorably to it.

What you need to do, James, is  relax, and accept yourself. 🌻 Kindness is what matters, beginning with yourself and extending outward.

I read over your post, and thank you so much for responding. It is a petty problem properly considering what you have been through. I learned to put on a mask in the Marines, seeing my buddies get hurt and being in sometimes crazy *** situations. I adapted not to show weakness and have a quick answer to everything. Act Act Act respond to the threat. In the Marines, there is no room for feelings or crappy attitudes you follow orders, give orders, and shut up. Do what I tell you if it hurts your soul because I want to go home, and I want you there with me. So you learn caring is being an *** because maybe I'm an *** today, but the beauty is I get to be an *** to you tomorrow. Also, I reread my post, and you're defiantly right. I do not come across as confident. In the Marines, I had a lot of young Marines 18 and sometimes 17 looking at you to guide them and keep them safe. So I adopted a personality that I acted confident and gave myself a persona of screw you do what I  say. I just wanted to keep my marines alive and disciplined to follow orders. I crave acceptance as one of the flaws of the many. However, I am insecure; I'm not looking for friends. I'm looking for a team, not to ***, but to help patients, mostly I want to work for the VA I love my veterans there warriors and protectors that we forget about. I know this doesn't apply to anyone on this forum. But I  am having trouble adjusting, and many veterans are lonely when they return to civilian life. In the Military, you always want acceptance. Having friends that you depend on can save you A** I did some awful stuff while deployed, and I almost never saw my wife again a couple of times. I didn't care about my life. I just wanted to finish the mission no matter what helping foreign commandos on boat driving or training Marines to shoot expert on the range I was young and wanted to shoot and throw grenades and fast-rope out of helicopters.I wanted action and adrenaline, and when you're on that Adrenaline mountain, you will do whatever it takes to get into that gunfight. I almost lost my wife a couple of times, giving more of myself to my marines and career than her.  You protect your brothers and sisters, so they are sure they can trust you; you would do anything to ensure they Accept you and know you will protect them. I am aware nursing isn't the Military, and as a (Boot)- "New Don't know nothing student nursing student" I have no room to talk but my having two sisters as a nurse I felt like a lot of gossips and arguing and ego got in the way of them helping Patience. However, there most certainly are these experiences in the Corps. Still, we always listen to the Platoon Sgt and have rank structure, so when danger does occur, we know who our boss is and fight organized instead of being an individual Marine. I am excited to put your advice into action in the field in a few months. Look, I'm not trying to change nursing. I think some of America's finest occupy this field, and there is credit due that hasn't taken place. Yet, I believe that America's eyes will open once they see how nurses handle this virus you guys are this 25-year-old man's hero I had a nurse in the Marines that made me admire nurses she was a Navy nurse and worked with marines only. Still, she was smart and kind and always took away from her personal life to help mentally and physically Marines. She stood up for us, and we respected her, and If you know, the Military isn't known very well for being friendly to women. The point I'm tiring to drive home is not about nurses. It's about how the medical field and how it's structured; if your afraid of being wrong and aren't willing to chew someone's ***, or open your mouth and work with someone you don't like. Just pretend to be buddies for the sake of the life of the patient save a life what are we doing? We can have 100 (hard-charging)- Hardworking nurses but no way rank structure everyone just doing their own thing we are not an asset to the patient I may be what nursing doesn't also need. I swear on my Marines. If I was under any of you excellent beautiful Americans/ nurses, I would work as hard as I could every day to follow your orders and be an open book to your teaching, not because I want money or power. Still, I want to know when the time comes ill be the most readily equipped nurse for my veterans so they can identify someone cares and knows where their heart is, and I'm going to treat them like my Juinor Marines. Still, I know my Marines, if put under you, would be the best damn CNA/assistant you had, and when it was time for them to lead, you would look into a mirror of what kind of nurse. You are because they would remember the best parts of a good nurse god let me make it home with all my arms legs fingers penis and mental health and at one point  I was just gonna keep pushing my luck one time scared me c130 almost crashed coming home from South Africa 6 month deployment played my luck the entire deployment didn't take one KIA, and I die on the plane ride back to my wife I said god I'm going to help fix my brother the ones that lost legs, fingers, toes, genitals and those who never return the same I know I can help more here at home then I can be shooting Machine guns at the enemy . Thank you for the advice you hit the target on almost all your a great writer thank you for responding.  Tired for typing you head off, I get lonely no Marines no nurses no nothing just studying and working on my marriage, which I missed a lot of looking out for my own A**. I can tell you care about your nursing staff. I mean, I don't know you could be a computer gossip troll. But I believe you responded to me because you made to fix people, and I admire you for your caring experience. In my defense, I can be very confident, and I am insecure at times, but I'm not afraid of telling anyone anything that needs to be said for the protection of another. I was once almost jumped by a biker gang/ Young soldiers from fort hood that bought overpriced Harleys for telling them to move their bikes off my lawn cause my wife doesn't like it and, it's my house and my wife doesn't feel safe, and they got mad got ready to fight but saw I wasn't going to go down easy and they respected me more for standing up for my wife my property and my self they knew I didn't go easy I would have fought those guys and probably ended up in the hospital, but they would have never disrespected my wife or me again. By the way, you say anything about my wife, not you just example person Ill put them in the dirt. Cause she is annoying and controlling sometimes, but darn it, she is my ladybug/wife, and I'll kill for her. Another military lesson I learned was My wife and my family come before everything she was there through it all she could have given up along time ago. Still, she is in bed next to me now, and if I stay hungry and madly in love Like I am, she will be around longer. Thank you again. Stay healthy, and God bless you. I hope I don't offend you, and if you think ill be a *** nurse, let me know, and ill continue anyway and use your advice to an advantage to change my self. I am not so confident I'm sensitive for a man you would have to meet me I guess you never judge a book by the cove cause the edge of that book is what hurts, not the cover. Please don't mistake me attempting to be kind as a form of weakness. I know you can tear me a New A** whole on this forum because, well, for one, I would never hurt a nurse. look, I'm going to tell you about me not to brag or start a sob story. I want you to understand my lack of confidence. and I would love to hear about you I know I'm just some random internet guy buy you don't have to tell me personal stuff. I have been around the world Germany Africa the Netherlands, France, Places I never knew existed. I lost many Marines to suicide if I would have b lost both parents, my mother, at 17, and my best friend and hero, my dad at 18. I grew up moving from house to house I spent a year of my live-in juvenile corrections my mother would leave me with her drug dealers for days. So yeah, I have a few trust issues. But I'm not a pushover, I may be unconfident if it came to do to it and somebody mistreated you, and I don't even know you I promise I would shut them down I know who I am

 

Cpl. Chandler, USMC, 2015-2019, Nursing Student

Dwight D. Eisenhower " Its not the size of the dog in the fight its the size of the fight in the dog"

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