Tough point in my life

[BearFeet]

Hi guys, thanks for reading. I'm a semi new grad nurse who was lucky enough to land his dream job in a level 3 trauma ED pretty much right out of school. I've been there for 4 mos and am astounded by how much I've grown as a person and as a nurse. It was always my intention to work in the ER ever since I started nursing school, and once clinicals came around I knew I definitely did not want to do tele/med surg, LTC, etc. No offense meant at all, just not for me. Anyway, I pretty much had no issue with school. I hated it but who doesn't hate school?

During clinicals I always requested to be sent to the ER if possible and I even did my preceptorship in an ER. The problem comes right around the 1 year mark in the program when things started to change. I changed. I had always been up for a challenge, and never really afraid to step out of my comfort zone until then. It started out slowly, maybe not feeling like speaking up in class, and evolved months later into full blown panic attacks, depression, auditory hallucinations, and even suicidal ideation.

Even though I felt so miserable, I tried to hide my feelings and seek help without any one of my family or friends knowing. I didn't want ppl to think I was crazy. I was started on medications as prescribed by my dr and I thought "this is great! I'll be my old self again", but it never happened. Since then I've tried 3 different anti depressants/psychotics along with benzos all in vain, with the exception of the auditory hallucinations which finally cleared up. My grades dropped significantly but I managed to pass the program and my nclex. I was done with school but now I noticed I never wanted to leave the house anymore. It was like the whole world was out to get me.

I didn't want to be a nurse or even work for that matter. To hell with that, I wanted to feel safe in my bed, even if it meant being broke and secluding myself from the world. My family at this point knew something was definitely wrong. after all, my behavior went from 100-0 real quick, in the span of a little over a year. They tried their best to get me to start looking for a job. I finally agreed to attend a job fair just for the sake of having them get off my back. I didn't think I would walk away from there with a job. And of all places, in the ER! I was petrified. But opportunities don't come around like this often, this is what the past me would've killed for, so I reluctantly accepted the position.

Boy was that a mistake. I am now on a website asking for advice on what I should do with my life as a last resort. I love my job, and absolutely despise it at the same time. Job stress has made my problem so much worse. I don't even enjoy my days off cuz all i can think about is having to go back in. I'll stay up for hours crying, and then get frustrated and punch a wall, or even practice IVs on myself just to get my mind off the anxiety. I've called in 3 times just because I know there was no way I was going to be able to function. When I have a panic attack at work, it is insanely difficult to function or even calm myself down from it. And in a unit where ppl can go south fast, that presents a huge problem. I want to quit everyday but I also fear the repercussions of what that might do to me down the line.

So nurses of the world, help a lost brother out. Should I quit, get myself back together, and return to the field? Should I leave the field and find some other unrelated mundane job until I am better? Should I stick it out even though I'm a mess? Please guys, This has been an immense issue for me, and any advice is appreciated. Thank you and sorry for the novel.

[Anna Flaxis, BSN, RN]

I can't really tell you what to do, but it sounds like what you're doing now isn't working for you.

Maybe it would be helpful to find work in a less acute environment.

What sort of work have you done in the past?

[Postpartum RN]

First I am so sorry to hear what you are going through, it sounds terrible

I don't have a lot of wise words, but I do recommend reaching out to family or friends, perhaps a psychiatrist, someone to talk to. You can't keep all this to yourself, it's too much to carry on your shoulders!

As for the job, you always wanted to be an ER nurse and now you have hat job so you should be living your "dream", correct? except that your not....

Ok so when you noticed this change with yourself during nursing school, did anything happen? Was there any trigger? You sound very insightful..

Are you working a lot of hours? Can you go per diem and work less while you figure something out for yourself? Job market is tough right now, especially if you don't have that "magical 6mos to a year" experience; and quitting after 4 months won't look good on your resume for future employers as well. Try to work per diem so that atleast your experience looks current on your resume, and you can work maybe once a week or even less.

You can try looking for another less stressful job, like a clinic, home health, infusion clinics, dialysis, IV nurse, etc etc, there are soo many options out there.

I truly wish you the best and hope that you will overcome this soon, please talk to someone that you trust!

[roser13, ASN, RN]

Paragraphs are your friend.

I say this not to be the grammar police, but to help you obtain more views/responses. Some folks will walk on by a post that is one unbroken mass of words.

[Farawyn]

Please reach out to someone you trust, anyone, and get help.

Screw work right now, you need to talk to someone, see a doctor, before you hurt yourself. Punching walls and starting IVs on yourself?

Please get help, and then come back and tell us you got help, okay?

[OrganizedChaos, LVN]

As someone with anxiety & depression, I know how terrible it can be. If you are this depressed & anxious I personally believe you should quit your job & get some serious mental health help. Whether that comes from an inpatient stay somewhere or whatever you need but how can you give your patients 100% if you can't give yourself 100%? I hope you get through this, I know it may see like there is no light at the end of the tunnel but there is! Good luck!

[CrunchRN, ADN, RN]

I would quit and find a mundane low stress job to pay the bills until you are feeling better. i hope you are seeing a cognitive therapist.

[nurseprnRN, BSN, RN]

Should i quit, get myself back together, and return to the field? Should i leave the field and find some other unrelated mundane job until i am better? Should i stick it out even though im a mess? Please guys, This has been an immense issue for me, and any advice is appreciated.

1) You need to get some expert psych help stat. Not tomorrow, call today. If it's your PCP prescribing those meds, s/he is out of his/her depth, and you need to see a pro. Not psychologist with a physician relationship for prescribing, a real MD Psychiatrist. Now. Now. Ask the one that gets calls for the ER and' or the psych social worker and/or the psych nurse clinical specialist for names.

2) Take a medical leave of absence; don't quit, because you can get better. Treat this as an acute injury that denial will not heal. If your leg is broken, you don't just walk a little less; if you have an infected hand wound, you don't just avoid touching dirty things.

3) Another job will not make this better. See #1. When you're in this much pain, it's not just the ER job. Something else is going on.

4) Sticking it out will not work. See #1.

Stay in touch.

[Been there,done that, ASN, RN]

Talk to your doctor, get a FMLA stat. You will have 12 weeks to obtain treatment , while you protect your job.

Good luck, it can be done.

[nurseprnRN, BSN, RN]

Talk to your doctor, get a FMLA stat. You will have 12 weeks to obtain treatment , while you protect your job.

Good luck, it can be done.

FMLA is usually not available unless you've been employed for at least a year.

[Been there,done that, ASN, RN]

FMLA is usually not available unless you've been employed for at least a year.

Sad but true.. hoping for anything to assist the OP.

[SarahMaria, MSN, RN]

As someone who has had psych problems, I can relate. You need to take a medical leave of absence immediately.

I would recommend going to another emergency room and checking yourself in to a psych hospital/unit for short term treatment. This is especially true if you are suicidal. You can get stabilized and get medication management in a safe place.

I know this doesn't sound ideal, but what you are currently doing isn't working.