BearFeet

Wow i didnt expect so many comments. Big thanks to all for your kind words and sound advice. Unfortunately, a. leave of absence isnt an option. But i completely agree that my health is more important than a job. Ill pick up where i left off later. Ill be seeking out a psychiatrist as well. As far as working goes, ill be meeting with my director soon to discuss if part time or prn would be an option for me. If not, i guess im walking. Im not sure what ill do if i walk, but i guess ill figure it out. Im also not sure if i should tell her exactly why i want to decrease my workload. Again thanks for all your responses and kind words. It means alot to me. Hugs all around

Hi guys, thanks for reading. I'm a semi new grad nurse who was lucky enough to land his dream job in a level 3 trauma ED pretty much right out of school. I've been there for 4 mos and am astounded by how much I've grown as a person and as a nurse. It was always my intention to work in the ER ever since I started nursing school, and once clinicals came around I knew I definitely did not want to do tele/med surg, LTC, etc. No offense meant at all, just not for me. Anyway, I pretty much had no issue with school. I hated it but who doesn't hate school? During clinicals I always requested to be sent to the ER if possible and I even did my preceptorship in an ER. The problem comes right around the 1 year mark in the program when things started to change. I changed. I had always been up for a challenge, and never really afraid to step out of my comfort zone until then. It started out slowly, maybe not feeling like speaking up in class, and evolved months later into full blown panic attacks, depression, auditory hallucinations, and even suicidal ideation. Even though I felt so miserable, I tried to hide my feelings and seek help without any one of my family or friends knowing. I didn't want ppl to think I was crazy. I was started on medications as prescribed by my dr and I thought "this is great! I'll be my old self again", but it never happened. Since then I've tried 3 different anti depressants/psychotics along with benzos all in vain, with the exception of the auditory hallucinations which finally cleared up. My grades dropped significantly but I managed to pass the program and my nclex. I was done with school but now I noticed I never wanted to leave the house anymore. It was like the whole world was out to get me. I didn't want to be a nurse or even work for that matter. To hell with that, I wanted to feel safe in my bed, even if it meant being broke and secluding myself from the world. My family at this point knew something was definitely wrong. after all, my behavior went from 100-0 real quick, in the span of a little over a year. They tried their best to get me to start looking for a job. I finally agreed to attend a job fair just for the sake of having them get off my back. I didn't think I would walk away from there with a job. And of all places, in the ER! I was petrified. But opportunities don't come around like this often, this is what the past me would've killed for, so I reluctantly accepted the position. Boy was that a mistake. I am now on a website asking for advice on what I should do with my life as a last resort. I love my job, and absolutely despise it at the same time. Job stress has made my problem so much worse. I don't even enjoy my days off cuz all i can think about is having to go back in. I'll stay up for hours crying, and then get frustrated and punch a wall, or even practice IVs on myself just to get my mind off the anxiety. I've called in 3 times just because I know there was no way I was going to be able to function. When I have a panic attack at work, it is insanely difficult to function or even calm myself down from it. And in a unit where ppl can go south fast, that presents a huge problem. I want to quit everyday but I also fear the repercussions of what that might do to me down the line. So nurses of the world, help a lost brother out. Should I quit, get myself back together, and return to the field? Should I leave the field and find some other unrelated mundane job until I am better? Should I stick it out even though I'm a mess? Please guys, This has been an immense issue for me, and any advice is appreciated. Thank you and sorry for the novel.