Hi, my name is AngelfireRN, I'll be your nurse tonight.
I am not a waitress, nor am I your slave.
Yelling and hurling obscenities at me will not get you your pain meds any sooner than they are ordered. Nor will having your family member or entourage do the same.
Threatening lawsuits and having umpteen family members camp out in the halls or hold up the nurse's station will not get you preferential treatment.
Physically grabbing me as I go down the hall is NOT a good idea.
I do not give the orders, but I do have to follow/enforce them. This is something that you should take up with your doctor.
No, I will not call him again to ask him for more pain medicine. He has been called twice and has said no both times.
No, I will not give you his number so you can "straighten him out".
No, you are not my only patient, and I highly doubt that you are single-handedly paying my salary. On the off chance that you are, let's talk about a raise.
NO, NO, NO, I most empahatically will NOT come get you when it is time for your next pain shot while you are having a smoke break. I also will not bring it to you in the smoking room. (Have actually said that, I am allergic to cigarettes. I did it once, had an asthma attack, desatted to 83, and turned blue, according to the patient and my charge nurse, after the patient had to help me back to the floor).
No, I don't really care if your family has not eaten all day, they drove here by themselves, they are not sick, and no, I will not call for 6 guest trays. (This of course, is if the patient in question does not need all 6 family members present, and is not at death's door).
No, you may not have 3 six-packs of soda from the kitchen, there are other people that would like a snack, too.
No, they will not open up the kitchen up just for you, at 1 in the morning, because you don't like the snacks we have on the floor.
I could think of hundreds, but those will do for a start. I know it sounds mean, but this is why I got out of bedside nursing. When a hospital becomes the Hilton, I'm gone!
this is so funny! You guys WISH you could say this to your patients but what do you actually say instead?
I had a 250 pounds asthma and sleep apnea patient on bipap with a blood glucose of 585 last 2 nights. After she she finished all the sandwiches and the juices on the unit, she ordered chinese food and asked me to go down and get the food for her cos the delivery guy was not allowed to come up. I boldly said "no, I can't". She said "I write your check", I said ''I pay for your help insurance". I was her nurse last night again and we got along very well.
To the daughter whom I'd just explained why I was giving blood to her father for post-op bleeding and low blood pressure (after she comes out of the room frantic saying that the monitor is beeping):
Yes, it's going to beep, yes it's ok, that's why he's getting blood. Unless you see me running, it's not an emergency.
The reason I don't hit you back isn't that I'm afraid of you.
The reason I don't spit back at you when you spit on me isn't that you control me.
The reason I don't say resond to the ugly things you call me isn't because there is nothing I could say about you.
It's because I'm professional and I'm not here for you, I'm here for the person in the room next to you, and the one after that, and the one after that.
You are nothing but rain on an otherwise sunny day.
Specializes in Med-Surg,Critical Care, Radiology,GI.
Things actually said:
To the 500 pounder with a dx of syncope:
NO, you won't fit in a standard commode chair.
We don't have a wheelchair that size.
Who takes care of your personal hygiene at home?
To the family member of the snoring lap choley patient: No, I don't wake patients up to bring them prn narcotics and yes, someone did cut her with a knife in the belly. Its not comfortable, by the way, your wife has had 3 children? All C-sections?. Interesting.
To the overeager male patient: Your career as a stripper just did not pan out. and What would make you think I find that sight amusing? How odd.
To the male patient that asks if I will hold his urinal with the wife in the room: Does your wife do that for you at home, and to the wife, Here you go honey, I'll step out and see my other 6 patients while you help your husband.
Specializes in Care Coordination, MDS, med-surg, Peds.
oh my, so many things to say...
1. No this is NOT hotel whatever, and I cannot help it that I do not have the thin sliced turkey on rye with miracle whip light, thin sliced onions and organic mustard.
2.Please tell me when you first call eveything you need, not call me back for 4 things, one at a time.
3. Yes, i am your nurse, and I will do anything you require, however, I am the nurse for 8 others and you might have to wait.
4. No, i do not love you, I will not sleep with you, have your children, or keep you company in bed.
5. Yes, when I catch you injecting illegal drugs in your jugular lines, I will WILL call the police. No, I will not believe that you found it that way.
6. Yes, it is still illegal to smoke marijuana in the hospital
What I say...."No, I will not complete disability forms for you, you are not disabled. That is a good thing."
What I'm thinking....."Get off your lazy butt and stop your whining. Millions of people with far worse medical conditions go to work everyday and you should too. I'll be damned if I'm paying taxes for you to sit on your butt and drink beer all day. Now go away...."
I work on an acute care unit in a mental health facility. Here goes...
"No, I will not give you any Vicodin, Klonopin, or Ativan "for the road". We're transferring you to the residential chemical dependency program in 15 minutes! What part of "no more addictive substances" don't you understand?"
"So, I see that you lied about taking an overdose of Percocet in order to get your cheating boyfriend's attention. Yep, got your tox screen right here. No, you don't get to just leave now that you say you weren't really suicidal. It's called a 72 hour hold, and you got here one hour ago. You should know this, you've been here 5 times in the past 6 months under the same circumstances. Please think about that the next time you decide to tie up limited resources in the local ED with your borderline BS."
"Laying on the floor screaming and yelling like a toddler will not make me give you your Klonopin any sooner. However, it will get you escorted to the QR where your audience will be whittled down to one person instead of the whole unit."
"Oh, I'm sorry, that patient over there with audio, visual, and tactile hallucinations who is scared to death because it's her first psychotic break, she's making you feel uncomfortable? No, I can't just knock her out with a shot. I could sit with her and hold her hand, which usually helps, but I can't because I've had you hanging over my desk for the past 15 minutes complaining that there are MENTALLY ILL PEOPLE in a MENTAL HEALTH FACILITY."
"Yes, you really do have to take out all your piercings. No, I will not pay for them if they close up. Why are you so concerned with those holes in your body when you planned on being dead today?"
"No, you can't have pens, razors, drawstrings, shoelaces, lighters, cigarettes, alcoholic mouthwash, or anything else clearly listed as contraband on the list I gave you. Believe it or not, I actually have people here who are serious about ending their lives."
"Smoking breaks are a privilege, not a right. I will add a 5 minute delay for every time you ask me when we are going out to smoke. Your peers are going to love you for that."
"We are a psych facility, not a pain clinic. I absolutely do not care anymore about your knee injury. I hate that your constant whining has made me hate a job I used to love."
I ca give you this med through your IV or if you insist on irritating me every 10 minutes I will give it with this huge needle in your butt - your choice
You are on 60 units of insulin because you are grossly overweight. NOT because you are a "special diabetic". Loss weight and your insulin dose will drop.
Sitting around relaxing is NOT the way to get better. You need to work at it.
I actually said this to her today. I told her if she didn't get moving she would end up in a nursing home! (bad Pepper).
Go away. Please - just go away. I'm tired of you and your endless complaints/needs and generally unhappiness.
No. We will NOT move you to the bed by the window. You keep your curtains closed all the time because you don't like the sunlight. Why would we put you by a window where you will keep the curtains closed thereby depriving your roommate of the sunlight! What we really told her - No, that is not a good bed for you because there isn't as much room for you to move around.
a few from home health, during first encounter with pt via phone:
Yes, I've drawn blood before. uhhhh, I did it like once in school.
No, I don't know why your regular nurse can't come tomorrow. You're right, I didn't see your wound yesterday or ever and have no idea what it looked like before. Of course you're a special case. So special in fact that your wound won't show any of the textbook signs of healing and/or complications that the 5,000 other wounds I've seen will. So if your wound is infected, I guess you'll be up a crick. But not as much of a crick as you'll be up if it's infected and nobody knows it because you wouldn't let me come see you.
I sound like I'm fourteen? Thanks. I just found my 4 year old nursing license in a cereal box this morning. Are you really 52? Because you sound like you're 94 and smoke two packs a day.
I really don't want to hear about your pain, difficulty walking, diarrhea, chronic SOB, bruise on your knee, or any other health problems during my phone call to set up a visit. That is why I am coming to SEE you. If you are that distressed about your symptoms and can't wait until my visit, go to the ER.
Highschoolfuturenurs
158 Posts
this is so funny! You guys WISH you could say this to your patients but what do you actually say instead?