The rudest thing that's ever been said to you by a patient or family

[nikkole318]

Hi Everyone!

I've been SO exhausted lately! There are times where I know that I was meant to be a nurse, there's nothing I would rather be, and I feel that my job is SO rewarding!!!

.....and then there is this week. There seems to be a very large influx of patients and family members that are extremely rude and demanding!

I'm looking for help before I get burned out! There are a lot of things that patients sometimes say, such as "hurry up, you people aren't helping me (when you've been running around all night, cleaning them up every hour), etc..." I TOTALLY understand that these patients are probably having the worst day of their lives and I would never in a million years trade places with them, but I can't help but to take it personally sometimes.

Can you give me some advice on how to diffuse or deflect these types of comments? Maybe some good ways of handling some of the more rude comments that you've been handed? They don't have to be the ones I mentioned above, because I'm sure whatever you've heard, I have heard or will hear too.

[NursesRmofun, ASN, RN]

Everyone's experience is different, or at least a little different. I have to deal with the Press Ganey scores thing. That means, basically...the institution I work for and the patients think I have to be nice, efficient, bring a cup of coffee with a smile, direct people to the correct floor, bend over backwards....even if I am so busy that it is dangerous. If you say something in a tone or way the patient OR their family does not like, you most likely will get reported to a superior. I have no good advice. It stinks.

To answer the question, I guess...the latest was something to the effect of, 'You are incompetent' over something dumb.

[Axgrinder]

This was from an on call MD, not a pt - and to my coworker and BFF, not me: "Are you even a nurse!?". At night we occassionally have unaffiliated on call MD's for adult medicine, not our own MD's. We call him amongst ourselves "Dr. Mom" because his name has too many syllables that no one really can pronouice (which is lucky we communicate via Tiger Text instead of a phone call in telephone triage. He's asked her this more than once too, and she has probably been a nurse longer than he has been alive. Jerk.

I had a pt ask if my boobs were real … a resident ask me when I was going to stop nursing my son (he was 8 y.o. at the time - say what?) out of the blue while we were floating a swan on a pt … and an intern who always talked to my chest. For the record: yes, they are what God gave me, and he was generous.

When I was a dental assistant a pt's wife didn't like me, and always insisted coming into the room while her husband had procedures (I guess she thought I would steal him while he, I and the dentist were back there trying to help his periodontal disease - which smells sort of like an exhumed coffin, so of course I would want him). She pointedly and meanly asked me one day while the periodontist was doing his thing on the husband's nasty gums, and I assisted: "What is the lowest level in a dental office? Oh yes … a dental assistant!" (Smiling wickedly). No one said a word as if she didn't speak, but I had to wonder to myself WTH? Hmmm … gee, thanks for clearing that one up. I was so confused - I thought I ran the show there …

There is no magic armour that I've found. It hurts when people are unkind.

[Axgrinder]

I once took care of a young guy in DKA who when I adjusted his gown while doing an assessment noticed a large swastika tatooed on his chest. I would not be considered white by his standards and am on the list of people who those with swastikas do not like very much. I was on my best behavior. Funny thing is he would never have guessed in a million years who I was yet he belongs to a group who claims abhorrence to me.

Although pale as a ghost, I belong to the same list of people abhorred by those whom bow down to the swastika. I'll save you a seat next to me.

[NursesRmofun, ASN, RN]

Yesterday I had a strange situation with patient's "friends" in her room. I went to introduce myself, and on of them told me not to come back until I find out what's on the menu for dinner. Okay, so I did, got the meds, come back in. They quiz me on different things, then one asks where I was from, I said town so-and-so, but they heard some accent I guess, so had to tell them I was out of country ( I avoid this usually). The asked me if I went to school there, and I did high school there, college in the USA. Another one said : "I can't believe they let them graduate college here!" I was very upset after that, and asked her directly where SHE went to college. Turned out she didn't; are you f** serious?

Don't you "LOVE" the ones that quiz you!? Like they know so much better....ACK *vomited a little* LOL

[emmy27]

I've been called every curse word and slur in the book and some the patient made up on the spot, I've been sexually harassed by patients, told they wanted a doctor instead to do [basic nursing task that I do dozens of times a day and doctors rarely or never], that I was too young for this job, too dumb for this job, or that the patient was firing me. I've gotten plenty of crazy rude things that are more like back-handed compliments or just invasive personal comments- "You seem bright, why aren't you a doctor?" "Do you have kids? Why not? What's wrong with you?" etc.

This isn't every day- I'm a pretty nice and easy-going person, and the ratio of patients who thank me or tell me I'm a good nurse to patients who are rude is very high. But there is nobody so nice and easy-going that some patient somewhere isn't going to be rude. Some of them are just rude people. Some of them are probably not rude all the time, but are hurting and scared and taking it out on others. Some of them are mentally ill or confused. A certain percentage are trying to exert control in a situation where they feel vulnerable and powerless by putting you the nurse, who is actually in a position of great practical power over them, on the defensive.

The best thing I've found is remembering that is isn't personal, even when it feels personal. Considering the times I've seen the same thing play out with coworkers who I know are MUCH sweeter and more accommodating than I am (being a yankee in the south, I do not have the same level of out-and-out friendliness and warmth that some of my coworkers exude), I know that in to every nursing career, a little cussing and rudeness must fall. The patients don't really know you. And when they're really intensely rude, it's highly unlikely you're ever going to win them over. The most you can hope for is to defuse the situation, or at least maintain a detente without increasing the hostility level.

The single worst thing I've ever had a patient say to me was an adult ED patient- a not very sick walkie-talkie- who was angry that I didn't answer her call bell personally. SOMEONE answered her call bell, just not me- because I was coding a baby in the next room.

She stood outside the code room and screamed for me until someone escorted her back to the room and explained that I was busy with a critically ill child, and that another nurse would address her needs. She wasn't happy with this, and when I emerged from the code and she lit in to me, screaming that I was a racist and a horrible person for not coming to her call light when she was "just as important as some baby." I can still remember her screaming that at me, and feeling like the world was tilting around me, I was so riddled with adrenaline and angry at her callousness when I knew their was a grieving family in the next room who could probably hear her.

I said, with as much composure as I could muster, "I am sorry that you feel that way" and walked out and asked someone else take the assignment because some situations, there is no coming back from. You have to determine for yourself whether or not you can continue to function with someone who has been truly offensive, and whether you'll even be able to have anything approaching a therapeutic relationship if they're really angry at you.

[Axgrinder]

I am shocked by some of the answers here on this thread from what we've collectively endured on the job. Abuse in any capacity should be grounds for removal from the premises.

[Wrench Party]

I had an old windbag of a patient fuss both the day nurse and I out for not walking enough during the day yesterday. It brought her to tears because I know she's a great nurse), I just never break eye contact when people are ranting and just said 'and we will walk tonight'. (And walk we did! 14 laps for a total of 20 that day).

Especially with longer hospital stays, people are just frustrated with being sick/the food/the doctors/their famiy/their left foot and it's almost never really about you, the nurse. You're just unfortunately their captive audience who gets to hear about it.

If it is something within your power to fix (talk to the doc/better care/hygiene/whatever) make an honest effort to do it. Oftentimes, simple things like re-positioning, a cloth on the head or just listening make a world of difference.

[Axgrinder]

Another time, I was trying to perform a test on a patient who had her dog with her and refused to move or let anyone else hold her dog. The dog got snappy with me, and almost bit me. When the PCA offered to hold the dog while I did the procedure, the patient's response was, "If she gets bit, she gets bit."

Although it is hard, I try to remind myself that these patients are not feeling like themselves and that if they were, they would not be making these remarks. I remind myself that they have some sort of illness affecting their judgment. In the case of the dog, I really was not happy, because my own safety was at risk, but I tried to convince myself that the dog was providing comfort to the patient and if the dog was not there, I may not be able to help the patient at all.

Your view point about the snappy dog is entirely too generous in this case. Many facilities would not have allowed the dog to be present at all - even one that is well trained and obedient - however in this case it was dangerous to staff, and badly behaved. In reality, so was the pt.

Perhaps I am too rigid - yes, selfish even - but I would have flat out refused to perform a procedure that required me to be physically near a dog that wished to do me bodily harm - and put in harm's way on the job (without the pt giving a rat's orifice about whether you - whom were kindly attempting to provide her care to enhance her health and well being - were physically hurt, or not). That's nasty mean. And quite thoughtless … no, let's face it - it was very selfish.

And in many facilities if pt doesn't allow reasonable and customary care, they will be discharged.

There are times when illness does affect one's judgement, however I don't believe that in this case it was one of them: I believe this was her usual wonderful self shining through - and she didn't give a fig about anyone else but herself.

You are a very kind person to give this pt in particular the benefit of the doubt.

Little dog's can be like that with the human they feel an ownership for if not corrected.

I have a very close friend who has a chihuahua, the kind with the big ears (a dear chihuahua?) whom is also elderly and spoilt rotten. He snaps at anyone who comes too close to her - including her own husband. He can't even put his arm around her if the dog (whose name is her name - only spelled backwards) is in her lap. He can't even get into bed without fear of being bit. Every time it happens she giggles - yes, giggles. How sad, and pathologic is that?

I've tried gently and kindly to make her see this for what it is - how very wrong this situation actually is, but really, what difference am I going to make when she clearly finds it amusing? Nada. But I won't let it bite me though either.

However at work? That is a whole different story. I can refuse to be put in harm's way. And I would too.

[Angelicpurl]

Runs along the same as I got told one night when I was about 38 weeks pregnant.

We were swamped with patients, but no one on my floor wanted me to lift more than 5 pounds, pull or push more than computer cart....

I went in patient's room. Lady weighed 350 pounds or more. Room full of people, several young men. She asked to be pulled up & repositioned in bed. I stated, let me call in my team to do that for you, & pressed call button. I got call back they were next door & as I was finishing up & told them she would be next, one family member said...are you just fat and lazy with a bad back? We offered to help you pull her up in bed!

My response? No, I'm 38 weeks pregnant. No one wants me to have my baby tonight. My team heard everything and the patient apologized profusely to me for her children's rudeness. She threw them all out of her room!

[Heathermd]

"Oh there's Hitler again." I'm sorry I want you to leave your oxygen in do I'm not intubating you in an hour.

That one bothered me at the time. I laugh about it now. We also get a lot of "it's your job to make me happy", um no, it's my job to assist you to get healthy.

[Julius Seizure]

I was doing bloodwork on a male patient and said "this will be quick". He yelled out "oh good a quickie. I can't wait for my happy ending". I couldn't help but say "are you freaking kidding me?" I know that was wrong on my behalf, but I wasn't going to be spoken to like that. I removed the tourniquet, the needle and walked out of the room. I refused to care for him the rest of the shift. He told another staff member he was joking and thought I would like to hear that due to being "pretty". Being propositioned like a prostitute is so endearing!

I wouldn't call your response wrong at all. I think it was a completely reasonable way for someone to react to such an inappropriate comment.

I don't believe that being a nurse requires me to bite my tongue and not speak up when someone (who should know better!) is behaving inappropriately with me. His behavior did NOT need to be tolerated.

[WKShadowNP, DNP, APRN]

Please understand that many immigrants experienced xenophobia and intolerance. We realize that some people, like you, are just sincerely interested, but there is no way for me, for example, to know it. Too many of us went through incredible pain and just not able to simply trust others any more. You just to be a little patient and follow the cues, and then yoyr chances to offend someone will at least diminish significantly.

Thank you for your insight. I see both sides as the curious and genuinely inquisitive and as the wife and mother of darker "foreign" looking people.

Grace handles a lot of undignified fodder that comes my way. I like the examples given because it shows perspective.

One thing that is coming to mind right now is a girl I work with who is from Colombia and she chuckles every time she hears me say a Spanish word. It pisses me off. I'm not fluent, but I do know some Spanish and my pronunciation is pretty good. I've been exposed to Spanish almost as long as she's been alive and it is insulting. I'm not trying to talk to her in the language, I'm usually saying a patient's name or talking about my own family (My husband is Puerto Rican).

BUT...instead of addressing her I chalk it up to her discomfort and not my failure to impress or mollify her.