The Golden Rule

CuriousMe · Nov 19, 2010

I want it straight. I don't want someone else's perception of a kinder, gentler version of the truth, I want it straight. I get very frustrated with folks who dance around issues....it takes far to much energy to figure out what exactly the issue is.

If I have a pattern of messing something up, it's likely I don't know (otherwise, I wouldn't keep messing it up). I can't change it, unless I know...so please, tell me. Now, that doesn't mean that someone needs to be ugly about it...but direct is good.

greenfiremajick · Nov 19, 2010

As long as its respectful, I would MUCH rather have someone tell it to me straight....Honestly, I cannot understand why a person chooses to discuss how blue the sky is, just to try to direct you to look at the clouds, how white and fluffy they are and which direction they're heading....If I say something, I really mean whatever it is I said; not some other mysterious meaning you have to drag out of me---though I do have a bit of a sarcastic/ironic sense of humor....

I would much rather have someone be straightforward, as it takes a board to the back of my head to get a hint across. The passive aggressive types drive me crazy and it took me quite a few years to learn to handle their tactics.

At any rate, I firmly agree and believe in the karmic comeuppance theory and strongly adhere to its' tenets!

I have tendendency to treat others, in a given situation, as I myself would like to be treated:
If you're doing a good job, from my perspective, I'll let you know it. Please let me know it if you think I'm doing a good job.
If you are lacking in some area, I will inform you of the lack, so you can be pro-active. And, if I am lacking in some area, please lt me know, so that I too, can be pro-active.
If you need to be informed, I'll just give you the facts. That's what I'm going to want from you.
If you need to be confronted, I'll confront you. I'm sure as heck going to want the same from you.
If you need emotional support, ask for it in some way. I will let you know if I need emotional support.
I believe this is the essence of the Golden Rule.
However, my Peer/Co-worker/ Friend (a spiritual woman I work with) says that she wants to be treated better than she deserves. I get that. It is difficult to have face one's own pain and have to suffer the ramifications of our actions. So, in essence, she's saying, "Go easy on me, Judge".
But I say, "Give it to me straight, Doc. I can take it."
I think she may be a higher-conscioused individual than I am. She believes in acting toward others with in a "State of Grace" way, where I'm kinda stuck in the "Karmic Come-up-ins" category. And, our actions speak as loudly as our words.
What do you think? Where are you with all of this?
Give it to me straight. I can take it.
Dave

carolmaccas66, BSN, RN · Nov 19, 2010

Dave I'm like u. I'd rather someone said something to me no holds barred (but I would expect a professional response, rathe than a juvenile one). Then u know where u stand with things & can act upon it. Maybe ur co-worker is just very sensitive - some people can't handle any confrontation, me I love it! and I don't get flustered, rather I become more clear-headed & argumentative!

Davey Do · Nov 19, 2010

It is so good to communicate with kindred spirits: Nurses/Human Beings.

You all touched on directness in communication with certain social amenities. Well, hell yes! Sugar-coated or passive/agressive statements can be some insidious communication.

Here's to you!

Dave

classicdame, MSN, EdD · Nov 19, 2010

straight up prevents wrong interpretations. Also a heck of a lot more honest. Anything else is a judgment call and I do not like being judged.

Mukfay · Nov 19, 2010

I've always thought that tact is sometimes another form of lying. Other times it's just a huge waste of time because people spend too much time dancing around the honesty is needed.

However, I'd say tact (in the sense that it is clear the person is confronting you to help you) is great.

With that in mind, I want people to tell me exactly what they're thinking. Nothing frustrates me quite so much as someone who obviously has an issue with me, but insists that nothing is wrong when I confront them about it (even after emphasizing that anything they say will be greeted with understanding). The message they're sending is often: "I don't want to solve this problem because:

A) I'm afraid to talk about it even though I'm happy to get hurt or angry and let it fester.

B) I'm enjoying having a reason to be hurt or angry at you and I'll be damned if I let you rob me of my addiction by trying to resolve things!!

C) I wouldn't know what to do if I didn't have something to complain or gossip about, so don't you dare try to use that 'open communication' thing on me!

D) If we talk about this like adults, I'll have to admit that at least some of this (and probably most of it) is my fault.

Yes Dave, you're right on the money.

Regards,

Mukfay

llg, PhD, RN · Nov 19, 2010

Great idea for a thread.

In some of my reading on working with people of different generations and cultures... some authors talk about the weakness of the "golden rule." Most of us were taught the golden rule as we were growing up, but we were never taught the downside of that approach -- that the way you want to be treated might not be the same as the way other people want to be treated. Some authors suggest that we replace the golden rule with the "platinum rule" which essentially says that we should treat people the way they want to be treated.

At first, I thought the platinum rule was just a cop out by people who wanted to excuse and accommodate their own (and others') weaknesses. But then I gave it some thought and considered some examples -- and grew to see that the proponents of the platinum rule make some sense. We need to consider the culture and preferences of others if we want to be effective communicators, leaders, etc. We need to be sensitive to their needs and show respect for them in ways that are meaningful to them, not to us.

Here are some crude examples:

(1) A particular man might have spent most of his life in an exceptionally "he-man" culture where communication is generally forceful and aggressive with a lot of competition to be the dominant voice. The man may have grown up have to "fight" for everything and automatically take a forceful stance with his communication. The man may think that his style of interacting with others is normal, typical, and harmless -- but it might be frightening to a petite woman who was bullied/abused/assaulted by such men in the past. The man may see nothing threatening or wrong in his aggressive style and actually mean no harm -- but it might be perceived as quite frightening to others with a different history.

2. Someone may be raised in a culture in which subtle communication is the norm -- in which people are sensitive to every slight nuance of language, tone of voice, etc. Such a person learns to commuicate in subtle ways -- and be considered weak by someone raised in a more aggressive overtly expressive culture. (e.g. the man in #1 above)

3. A young adult who has never been in the adult workforce might have never experienced the range of communication styles and/or received the type of feedback than they receive in their first job evaluations. The only "performance feedback" they have ever received may have been from doting parents and teachers paid to nurture and support their growth.

My examples are a bit rough around the edges because I am just writing off the top of my head. But I hope they make my point. As I thought more and more about the platinum rule, I realized that there was some value in it. We all assume that OUR personal style is the best personal style, the right personal style. But the beauty of the human race is that we are not all alike -- and some of our differences should be taken into consideration as we interact with others. We don't all have to be alike and we should be willing to make a few adjustments to accommodate the pesonal styles of others as we try to communicate with them and maintain positive, productive relationships. That requires us to see that others come from a different place -- and that we may need to make some adjustments in our communications to accommodate their perspectives.

Start2 · Nov 19, 2010

Hi Dave:

I also believe in being told the truth and in telling the truth to others in order to resolve issues and improve performance.

One thing that bothers me is that too many people, in an effort to say what they mean, choose to make it public. Tell me anything but please have the courtesy to do it in private as it is no body else's business (excepting possibly management, etc.). I will confront people when necessary but not in public. If absolutely necessary, I will even document the conversation or take it to the next level if it affects patient care or safety.

My two cents.

OttawaRPN · Nov 19, 2010

Say what you mean and mean what you say.

HonestRN · Nov 19, 2010

Say what you mean and mean what you say.

My motto exactly!! No need to read between the lines

@llg: I like the platinum rule concept. Especially since I can be rather thick skinned at times and I need to remember that others can be so much more sensitive than myself and I need to respond to them with more gentleness than I may need

greenfiremajick · Nov 19, 2010

Great idea for a thread.
In some of my reading on working with people of different generations and cultures... some authors talk about the weakness of the "golden rule." Most of us were taught the golden rule as we were growing up, but we were never taught the downside of that approach -- that the way you want to be treated might not be the same as the way other people want to be treated. Some authors suggest that we replace the golden rule with the "platinum rule" which essentially says that we should treat people the way they want to be treated.
At first, I thought the platinum rule was just a cop out by people who wanted to excuse and accommodate their own (and others') weaknesses. But then I gave it some thought and considered some examples -- and grew to see that the proponents of the platinum rule make some sense. We need to consider the culture and preferences of others if we want to be effective communicators, leaders, etc. We need to be sensitive to their needs and show respect for them in ways that are meaningful to them, not to us.
Here are some crude examples:
(1) A particular man might have spent most of his life in an exceptionally "he-man" culture where communication is generally forceful and aggressive with a lot of competition to be the dominant voice. The man may have grown up have to "fight" for everything and automatically take a forceful stance with his communication. The man may think that his style of interacting with others is normal, typical, and harmless -- but it might be frightening to a petite woman who was bullied/abused/assaulted by such men in the past. The man may see nothing threatening or wrong in his aggressive style and actually mean no harm -- but it might be perceived as quite frightening to others with a different history.
2. Someone may be raised in a culture in which subtle communication is the norm -- in which people are sensitive to every slight nuance of language, tone of voice, etc. Such a person learns to commuicate in subtle ways -- and be considered weak by someone raised in a more aggressive overtly expressive culture. (e.g. the man in #1 above)
3. A young adult who has never been in the adult workforce might have never experienced the range of communication styles and/or received the type of feedback than they receive in their first job evaluations. The only "performance feedback" they have ever received may have been from doting parents and teachers paid to nurture and support their growth.
My examples are a bit rough around the edges because I am just writing off the top of my head. But I hope they make my point. As I thought more and more about the platinum rule, I realized that there was some value in it. We all assume that OUR personal style is the best personal style, the right personal style. But the beauty of the human race is that we are not all alike -- and some of our differences should be taken into consideration as we interact with others. We don't all have to be alike and we should be willing to make a few adjustments to accommodate the pesonal styles of others as we try to communicate with them and maintain positive, productive relationships. That requires us to see that others come from a different place -- and that we may need to make some adjustments in our communications to accommodate their perspectives.

Your comment of "We all assume that OUR personal style is the best personal style, the right personal style. But the beauty of the human race is that we are not all alike -- and some of our differences should be taken into consideration as we interact with others," is a perfect example as to why ethnocentrism should be avoided and guarded against. I hate to say it, but as Americans, we are the worst of the offenders in regards to being snobbish towards other cultures and their mores/practices, etc.

While I completely agree with your post, and think it is a comprehensive, well thought out post I would like to add some additional thoughts to it:

1) LISTENING and confirming what you've heard from the speaker is the MOST IMPORTANT (IMHO) part of communicating... and

2) Understanding, embracing, and learning how to provide and accept positive conflict (as well as constructive criticism), is the second most important part of communicating...

I would also like to add that the more educated a person becomes, the more they are able to accept and debate criticism and opposing views..I have dealt with many an uneducated person that is so insecure that any sort of disagreement turns into a cry of "I'm not stupid!" or "You must hate me!" deflections...

Truly...Using the old "I feel" statements comes in handy with the uneducated or insecure, while also keeps your message from seeming to be an attack with the educated, as well as the uneducated.