The Golden Rule

[Davey Do]

I have tendendency to treat others, in a given situation, as I myself would like to be treated:

If you're doing a good job, from my perspective, I'll let you know it. Please let me know it if you think I'm doing a good job.

If you are lacking in some area, I will inform you of the lack, so you can be pro-active. And, if I am lacking in some area, please lt me know, so that I too, can be pro-active.

If you need to be informed, I'll just give you the facts. That's what I'm going to want from you.

If you need to be confronted, I'll confront you. I'm sure as heck going to want the same from you.

If you need emotional support, ask for it in some way. I will let you know if I need emotional support.

I believe this is the essence of the Golden Rule.

However, my Peer/Co-worker/ Friend (a spiritual woman I work with) says that she wants to be treated better than she deserves. I get that. It is difficult to have face one's own pain and have to suffer the ramifications of our actions. So, in essence, she's saying, "Go easy on me, Judge".

But I say, "Give it to me straight, Doc. I can take it."

I think she may be a higher-conscioused individual than I am. She believes in acting toward others with in a "State of Grace" way, where I'm kinda stuck in the "Karmic Come-up-ins" category. And, our actions speak as loudly as our words.

What do you think? Where are you with all of this?

Give it to me straight. I can take it.

Dave

[llg, PhD, RN]

My motto exactly!! No need to read between the lines

@llg: I like the platinum rule concept. Especially since I can be rather thick skinned at times and I need to remember that others can be so much more sensitive than myself and I need to respond to them with more gentleness than I may need

That's a great succinct way to say what I danced around with 100 words.

[suni, BSN, RN]

I am a say what you mean and mean what you say type of gal, does not always make me popular but I figure we all get paid to do a job and if you are not doing your part I have no issue telling you to get up. None of this that is not my patient, they are all , all of our patients.

[leslie :-D]

i'm thinking that maybe i've misinterpreted the golden rule...

in that, i believed it to mean, that we are all worthy of being treated with respect...

not necessarily reflecting our personal styles of communicating.

while i do believe in being straightforward, i do believe it's imperative to meet others where they are...

and not where we are.

i suppose that must be the platinum rule?

and to think i messed up the golden rule, all these yrs.

i feel stupid now.

leslie

[shoegalRN, RN]

I am a shoot straight for the hip type of woman.

I like professionalism and I want to hear it directly from the horse's mouth.

If someone has a problem with me, I rather them approach me FIRST and do that by taking me in private to address it. I really hate it when someone is passive aggressive with me, run to the manager, and I'm pulled into the office for an issue "somebody" has with me. I believe everyone should be given an opportunity to approach their accusser. And on top of that, issues should be addressed, hashed out, and dealt with a solution as the end result in FRONT of the manager if they decide to go that route.

None of this "oh, I'll tell that person what you said, blah, blah, blah". Just more passive aggressiviness and something more to gossip and complain about at the lunch table with the clique and nothing getting resolved.

I have a business mindset and I deal with issues head on, no dancing around, BS'ing, or stalling. I like SOLUTIONS. And I expect the same in return.

[Davey Do]

You, know, the old comeback of "you're preaching th the choir" comes to mind when I read your posts. You all are insightful, respectful Professionals/Human Beings with good scruples. You don't need me to exult my philosophy of life in order for you to be at peace with yourselves. However, the little "Nurses talking about nursing" motto is what it's all about. We share our knowledge, ideas, and perspectives in order to meet our consistency need and grow as Individuals and as Nurses.

With that said, I'd like to comment on a couple of points, with the knowledge that I hold all of your posts in high regard:

Thanks for the introduction of the Platinum Rule, llg. It's going to take some time and consideration to fully digest and appreciate that concept. However, you put it across quite well in your so-called crude examples. I say, "Yes!" we should be sensitive to others background and history when dealing with them. And I'm sure you've already considered the point that I'm about to make- When I am responsible for your care and you're on my turft, we do things my way. With the whole gambit of respect toward another Human Being, of course.

And my example mainly applies to Psychotic or other Inappropriately-behaving Individuals who know "what's best" for them. To them I say, "No. You don't. And that's why you are here. I am now responsible for your care. And, you are going to recieve the very best care that I (and this Institution) can provide. So. It would be in your best interest to work with me." And so on and so forth.

Going back to the Golden Rule, that's how I would like to be treated if I were in a similar circumstance: Know someone is in charge who believes themselves capable.

OttowaRPN: Well put. May I share something similar, which I also find lyrical? "I said what I said and I meant what I meant: An Elephant is faithful one hundred per cent!" Dr. Suess' "Horton Hears a Who"

leslie: The Golden Rule IS about respect. For ourselves and others. So, you are not stupid. You are correct AND you've merely been enlightened a little. Personally, I love it when the coin falls in the slot and I experience a profound revelation. It's a real trip, m'am.

Start2: Yes! "Praise in public and critisize in private."

grenfiremajik: I can only say "Amen!" to your words. Good communication skills are imperative to harmonious relationships.

I could go on and on. But I really want to thank you all for your input. This is an enjoyable experience.

To you all I say, "Keep on keeping on!"

Dave

[canesdukegirl, BSN, RN]

I have really enjoyed reading this thread. I like the rest of y'all, tend to shoot from the hip. Since I was born without a "mouth filter", I have had to learn to edit my words. While I am not one to take things personally while in a working environment, I realize that others surely can, and do take things quite personally when it was not intended. For the life of me, I cannot imagine using my words to intentionally hurt another. It seems like such an intensely selfish and brazen act to do so. To what end does it serve the hedonist to rob another of their pride and respect?

That being said, I do use my words to further a goal or to pave a path of self-actualization for a person that comes to me with a dilemma in which they are at a loss. Sometimes I am very direct. Sometimes I dance around the issue with hopes that the lightbulb will go off...thus leading the listener to their own conclusion without robbing them of the satisfaction of "I get it". We tend to take more pride and are more driven when we come up with an idea or and answer on our own, thus compounding and finessing the idea into what will hopefully become actions that are fruitful-turning "I get it" into "I did it!"

I have learned that you must gauge your "directness" according to your listener. Some can take it with no sugar on top. Some must be gently pushed. You have to know your audience. This art takes a while to develop, and I have found that it takes quite a lot of self confidence and a strong sense of community to learn.

[Ruby Vee, BSN]

i say what i mean and mean what i say. if you have a problem with that, i'd like to hear about it from you and as soon as possible in our aquaintence. unfortunately, folks who have a problem with directness aren't able to actually tell someone that they have a problem with directness. hence i've been pulled into the manager's office and admonished for "making so and so cry." i've always wondered if anyone has ever advised "so and so" to learn to communicate what they mean and to mean what they say, or is it always the fault of the person who commicates more directly when someone else bursts into tears in the workplace?

when someone comes to me with a problem they're having with a co-worker, the first thing i say is "have you spoken to him/her about this?" usually the answer is no -- they just want someone else to "fix things" for them. perhaps direct communication should be taught in school . . . maybe then there wouldn't be so many breakdowns in communication in the workplace.

[canesdukegirl, BSN, RN]

i say what i mean and mean what i say. if you have a problem with that, i'd like to hear about it from you and as soon as possible in our aquaintence. unfortunately, folks who have a problem with directness aren't able to actually tell someone that they have a problem with directness. hence i've been pulled into the manager's office and admonished for "making so and so cry." i've always wondered if anyone has ever advised "so and so" to learn to communicate what they mean and to mean what they say, or is it always the fault of the person who commicates more directly when someone else bursts into tears in the workplace?

when someone comes to me with a problem they're having with a co-worker, the first thing i say is "have you spoken to him/her about this?" usually the answer is no -- they just want someone else to "fix things" for them. perhaps direct communication should be taught in school . . . maybe then there wouldn't be so many breakdowns in communication in the workplace.

well said, ruby. i think there should be a course in effective communication. a large number of posts here deal with exactly that topic. i have a rule that i tell staff about when they come to me with the "so and so did this/said this/etc.". i ask them to deal with the person directly. if that does not resolve the issue, try it again. if after two attempts the parties do not resolve their issue, then i will step in. there is nothing i hate more than two bickering adults that are in my face talking directly to me instead of each other. i feel like a mommy at the playground.

[Not_A_Hat_Person, RN]

I'm torn. One one hand, you can't solve a problem until you know it exists. On the other, tact and diplomacy are useful skills. I've found that people who pride themselves on being direct usually take great offense when others are direct with them.

[leslie :-D]

when someone comes to me with a problem they're having with a co-worker, the first thing i say is "have you spoken to him/her about this?" usually the answer is no -- they just want someone else to "fix things" for them. perhaps direct communication should be taught in school . . . maybe then there wouldn't be so many breakdowns in communication in the workplace.

and even that can blow up in your face.

i worked with a very likeable nurse for yrs.

she was seriously charming, magnetic, outgoing...

but.

she badmouthed everyone under the sun, including her bff (nurse mgr) at work.

i told her to knock her crap off, and she feigned such shock and disbelief, that she ended up running to the nurse mgr (her bff) and the don, about me causing trouble.

it ended up blowing up in my face...

i had to remove myself from this toxic situation, and look at them as a bunch of passive-aggressive, catty women, that lacked direct and mature communication skills.

freakin' women will ultimately be the death of me, ruby.

not all...a goodly amount.

grrrr.....

leslie:)

[llg, PhD, RN]

While I agree that people should speak clearly and directly to each other when there is an issue ... if you are frequently making other people cry, maybe you need to learn to be a little more sensitive in the WAY you speak directly to that other person. You should be able to have that direct one-to-one conversation without making them cry.

Crying may be unavoidable ocassionally ... but if happens on a semi-regular basis, maybe your style is overly harsh. Maybe you, too, would benefit from taking a class in how to communicate dirctly with somebody -- not because you avoid it, but because you speak too harshly in those interactions.

[leslie :-D]

Maybe you, too, would benefit from taking a class in how to communicate dirctly with somebody -- not because you avoid it, but because you speak too harshly in those interactions.

i'm not sure if you were directing this to me, ilg...

but IF you were, this nurse and i were "friends"...or so i thought.

i didn't chew her to pieces, and she didn't cry.

it was more along the lines of, "i don't understand how you can badmouth 'mary' the way you do...she would be horrified to learn that you were being disloyal."...all in steady, quiet tone.

that said, i agree overall, w/what you're saying.

leslie