our sweet elders

Nurses Relations

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It might be because I am a CNA and many of my clients are elder,or it might be that my parents pounded into me how to respect my elders. But I feel very upset when I see people being rude or disrespectful to an elderly person especially when it can be their own parents.

I was at the grocery store this afternoon and I was getting just a few items. I was walking behind a Lady who was using a cane and a guy was pushing a cart that was about two to three steps ahead of her. She was somewhat in the middle of the aile so I felt I could not go around her comfortably and was afraid I might bump her and put her off balance so I just was patiently walking behind her and I had no problem doing so. The guy happen to have seen me and very gruffly said mom there is someone behind you move. Well the dear was so startled she jumped and almost lost her balance . CNA mode kicked in and I put a gentle arm on her to steady her and said it was alright she was fine. She looked apprective and gave a gentle smile. As I turned down another aisle I could hear him yelling at her you don't need that. Not sure what the dear wanted to put in her cart but goodness if she is on a stricked budget there are better ways to tell her no. I could just tell this man had to bring his mother to the store and was not in a good mood to do it.

I see these type of things and I just have to bite my tongue so hard. I just want to go up in this man's face and let him have it. It bothers me so much to have people talk to their elders this way. Sick to my stomach I tell you.

Very valid points from everyone and they could be very true. But sometimes it still not easy to see or hear sometimes even if you are an outsider looking in or don't know the whole story. It still makes you cringe and uncomfortable and feel like nails on a chalkboard to me.

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Specializes in LTC Rehab Med/Surg.

I've said before on these threads, be grateful you can't imagine why a child would treat a parent in such a way.

That means you had a loving and normal childhood.

Nobody knows the 30-40-50 year old history of the old people we take care of.

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Specializes in Gerontology.

Or it could be caregiver burn out. Caring for someone with dementia 24/7 is exhausting. There are few breaks, very little " me" time.

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Specializes in Specializes in L/D, newborn, GYN, LTC, Dialysis.

Not all our elders are " sweet"!

I grew up horribly abused by both my parents. I have seen elderly who had their kids under their thumbs til they died----- horribly abusing all their loved ones in the worst ways possible. It can be ugly both ways.

I have no idea the backstory here, but it could be like others said, a young man who was abused verbally or physically, doing what he grew up knowing.

.....or it could be out and out elder abuse. Without knowing more, you just can't say. If the guy were physically rough or verbally insulting, I would be much more upset than just hearing "you can't have that" in an angry tone. Not knowing the whole story, who knows.

I will say, I will never, ever abuse my parents as they age. But I won't kill myself caring for them either. Their abuse of me and my siblings, to this day, haunts me and hurts my heart. The fact that they are unremitting, unapologetic and still mean, seals the deal.

Someone else can deal with them. Hate me for being so "mean", that is ok. They don't deserve my consideration.

It's how I feel. I am free now. And I intend to stay that way.

Just another perspective.

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Not all our elders are " sweet"!

I grew up horribly abused by both my parents. I have seen elderly who had their kids under their thumbs til they died----- horribly abusing all their loved ones in the worst ways possible. It can be ugly both ways.

I have no idea the backstory here, but it could be like others said, a young man who was abused verbally or physically, doing what he grew up knowing.

.....or it could be out and out elder abuse. Without knowing more, you just can't say. If the guy were physically rough or verbally insulting, I would be much more upset than just hearing "you can't have that" in an angry tone. Not knowing the whole story, who knows.

I will say, I will never, ever abuse my parents as they age. But I won't kill myself caring for them either. Their abuse of me and my siblings, to this day, haunts me and hurts my heart. The fact that they are unremitting, unapologetic and still mean, seals the deal.

Someone else can deal with them. Hate me for being so "mean", that is ok. They don't deserve my consideration.

It's how I feel. I am free now. And I intend to stay that way.

Just another perspective.

SmilingBlueEyes,

I'm so very sorry you had such abusive parents.

I don't think you are "mean." I think you are smart. Your parents "earned" the relationship (or lack of) they have with you.

Kudos to you for not only surviving, but succeeding in spite of your childhood.

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Not all our elders are " sweet"!

I grew up horribly abused by both my parents. I have seen elderly who had their kids under their thumbs til they died----- horribly abusing all their loved ones in the worst ways possible. It can be ugly both ways.

I have no idea the backstory here, but it could be like others said, a young man who was abused verbally or physically, doing what he grew up knowing.

.....or it could be out and out elder abuse. Without knowing more, you just can't say. If the guy were physically rough or verbally insulting, I would be much more upset than just hearing "you can't have that" in an angry tone. Not knowing the whole story, who knows.

I will say, I will never, ever abuse my parents as they age. But I won't kill myself caring for them either. Their abuse of me and my siblings, to this day, haunts me and hurts my heart. The fact that they are unremitting, unapologetic and still mean, seals the deal.

Someone else can deal with them. Hate me for being so "mean", that is ok. They don't deserve my consideration.

It's how I feel. I am free now. And I intend to stay that way.

Just another perspective.

I'm sorry, a safe childhood should be an inalienable right.

We have a significant number of patients who have uninvolved adult children. My first thought is that complicated family dynamics go way back.

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Specializes in Med-Surg.

I can understand your feelings. I grew up loving and respecting my elder family members. As a nurse I feel extra protective of my elderly patients, and will go above and beyond for them. It's one of my favorite things about my job, that I get to talk to people who have lived long lives and listen to their stories. I truly enjoy chatting with them and gaining some wisdom, or just listening to them talk about how they ended up where they are in life. So I can see why you would witness that interaction and feel protective of the elderly lady.

I think the situation you described can be interpreted in a lot of different ways, as it has here. I do think there was more to that family dynamic then you could be aware of. She may have had dementia and he may have been tired and frustrated and gotten snippy. He could have been a plan jerk. She could have been an abusive mother in the past. We will never know. What he said was not overly harsh, and without full context, can't be described as abuse.

Just keep in mind that not all elderly people are sweet dears. Pedophiles, murders, abusive spouses, the worst of society, everyone ages and we all eventually become old. Every time I take care of an elderly person who catches my heart, but has no family visiting, I remind myself that I don't know the whole story. I have taken care of one elderly man who had sexually abused his daughters, and gotten one pregnant in the past. Only one son would come to see him and rarely. The resident was a demented, sweet, quiet person in his late 80's. In his case I wish I had not learned of the family past because it changed my view of him. I don't judge families who never visit/aren't involved anymore because I remember that man. You just never know.

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Specializes in Critical Care.
Not all our elders are " sweet"!

I grew up horribly abused by both my parents. I have seen elderly who had their kids under their thumbs til they died----- horribly abusing all their loved ones in the worst ways possible. It can be ugly both ways.

I have no idea the backstory here, but it could be like others said, a young man who was abused verbally or physically, doing what he grew up knowing.

.....or it could be out and out elder abuse. Without knowing more, you just can't say. If the guy were physically rough or verbally insulting, I would be much more upset than just hearing "you can't have that" in an angry tone. Not knowing the whole story, who knows.

I will say, I will never, ever abuse my parents as they age. But I won't kill myself caring for them either. Their abuse of me and my siblings, to this day, haunts me and hurts my heart. The fact that they are unremitting, unapologetic and still mean, seals the deal.

Someone else can deal with them. Hate me for being so "mean", that is ok. They don't deserve my consideration.

It's how I feel. I am free now. Just another perspective.

I agree abuse is very common unfortunately. If you have been abused it is best to forgive if you can and distance yourself from them. It is perfectly ok to let others care for them in those circumstances and perhaps for the best. You don't want to risk finding yourself being abusive to them in turn. Hopefully, the abusive family members see the light and ask for forgiveness, show true remorse and make amends as best they can. But that doesn't always happen.

I was emotionally scarred by an abusive father and blamed my mother for not protecting me. For many years I was estranged from my family and actually adopted my best friend's family as my family. I spent all the holidays with them. I was so angry at my parents I didn't even have them go to my college graduation. I never expected to have a real relationship with them, but in my old age we have grown close and my father has shown real remorse and made amends. If anyone told me I would forgive and let my family back in I wouldn't believe it. Sometimes it can happen. Of course, it doesn't taken away the scars from the past. But I have been able to move on and have a good life in spite of it all and have found peace. I wish you the same!

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If the harsh way he spoke to her was an everyday occurrence, then yes, you have good reason to be concerned for her. But, there's no way to know that that's true. My grandmother suffered from Alzheimers before she died. My dad was her caregiver, he took the very best care of her that he possibly could while having his own family to worry about as well. There were times where he would snap at her, because of the frustration and exhaustion that caregivers are inevitably put through. It is not always on purpose and later he probably regretted it. We are all human and I don't blame that man for what he did. The fact that he was helping her shop is a good sign that he is providing her with the care she needs. I'd say give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he was just having one of 'those' days...

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