Suicide

psalm, RN · Oct 25, 2008

Sorry you feel so shaken up, it is normal. In time you will be over the shock of what some patients do to themselves and/or others. I try to wait til after my shift to "destress or debrief" the horror or sadness I am dealing with.

I wish I could say you won't encounter it often, but you may. Hugs & prayers.

iluvivt, BSN, RN · Oct 25, 2008

Yes it is shocking to see these things at first. After some stressful and horrifying shifts it woulod take me hours to settle down. Sometimes I would replay the events in my mind over and over like a broken record. Somehow I have conditioned myself to stay focused on my responsibilities and you can too! Just zone in on what you are there to do and stay in the moment. You can deal with your feeling later. It will get easier ,but you are still going too see more than you can ever imagine. Hang in there we need nurses like you!!!

Dianacabana · Oct 25, 2008

I think it is great that you were able to focus on the task at hand and provide great care for the pt.

It is absolutely normal to feel sad! I know my instructors talk about drawing the line with empathy so you don't cry in front of your patient, but how you deal with it in private is important to you. Its worse if you don't examine your feelings and well, "feel" them.

Its a very good sign, I think, that you care.

flightnurse2b, LPN · Oct 25, 2008

i know this sounds kind of silly but when i would get home from work every morning when i worked EMS and in the ER, i watched spongebob (i still do actually, helped me thru nursing school too). its just mindless humor that helps me to wind down and not sit and think about everything i just saw and what i could have fixed and what went wrong etc. it is kind of my outlet. when feel like nothing went right and my brain won't shut off, i watch spongebob.

maybe find your outlet, whether it be exercising, taking a bath, reading a romance novel, gabbing on the phone, playing slingo, whatever.... you can't be a nurse 24 hours a day. you have to just be you sometimes or you will drive yourself crazy. when you are off work, do something non-nursing and do it for yourself. you deserve it.

i know that its hard and sometimes you are crying inside for your patients and their loved ones. there have been times when i have honestly felt as though my heart was breaking in my chest and the best thing i could do was just put on my poker face. there have been times when i questioned if i should have gone into real estate. ive had nightmares about some of the horrors that human beings do to each other.

it took me a long time to realize that my job was eating me alive. i learned that if i didnt leave it at the door when i clocked out, i wouldnt make it. thats when i met spongebob and patrick.

it does get easier over time. good luck. being a nurse is an amazing profession... it is truly God's work in action. hang in there.

Kenaldo · Oct 25, 2008

Am not a nurse yet, just a CNA, but i have worked on the Oncology floor and i understand what you mean. Each time i would enter a patients room especially those that are going hospice, young in their 30's and at times their young kids with them in the room, this would kill me inside and i would leave the room crying. Though no floor is easy to work on but i think when i become a nurse, i will not work on an oncology unit

Daytonite, BSN, RN · Oct 25, 2008

it is ok to allow yourself to be upset over this. i had a very interesting experience with a young lady who attempted suicide many years ago. it was one of the worst nights of my life. i got floated to icu. i hated working over there because the nurses were snobbish and they made it known that they didn't like being floated to our unit, but they didn't make any bones about wanting our help when they were short handed. so, i had a chip on my shoulder that night to begin with. then, they stuck me with this 19-year old girl who decided to down her mother's bottle of valium when her boyfriend decided to dump her. all i could think of was what a stupid reason to try and kill yourself. she really was a relatively easy patient and only required frequent vital signs and hourly outputs. what was a "pain" was listening to her go on and on about why she did this. now, i am deliberately including my bad attitude about this for a reason. it was wrong on my part and contributed to my overwhelming fatigue by the time my shift was ended. i was so tired and glad to get out of there at 7am you can't imagine. let's go forward about 3 years. i was in a local grocery store. some store employee comes up to me all bubbly and says, "you don't remember me, do you?" no. "you took care of me the night i tried to kill myself." she kept thanking me for being so patient with her that night 3 years ago and just listening to her. things were so much better now. and as she explained it came back. she told me the rest of what happened to her. then, i went home and couldn't stop crying. my lesson had come 3 years later.

the thing about being a nurse is that it forces you to examine your feelings and beliefs about life. i am a very spiritual person. life and being a nurse is a privilege. these kind of experiences are learning opportunities. when i look back at what happened to me, i learned some powerful lessons from that young girl. i learned a lot about the value of every life. about how no one's trouble is less important than mine. that my commitment as a nurse is supposed to be nonjudgmental (i forgot that big time the night this young lady was my patient). your tears and my tears today (i cry every time i remember this incident because i was such an idiot) make us stronger and more understanding as nurses tomorrow. it is the unlisted price of being a caregiver. the price that isn't listed in the class schedule. it is part of the right of passage. yes, your tears mean that you care, that you have empathy, that you are human. welcome to the service of your fellow man. our rewards are never measured in monetary terms, but by the expansion and growth of our spirits and souls. i personally believe we get a first class ticket into heaven and first choice of the next life we will be reincarnated into. that's about as good as it can get on the karma-o-meter.

flightnurse2b, LPN · Oct 25, 2008

it is ok to allow yourself to be upset over this. i had a very interesting experience with a young lady who attempted suicide many years ago. it was one of the worst nights of my life. i got floated to icu. i hated working over there because the nurses were snobbish and they made it known that they didn't like being floated to our unit, but they didn't make any bones about wanting our help when they were short handed. so, i had a chip on my shoulder that night to begin with. then, they stuck me with this 19-year old girl who decided to down her mother's bottle of valium when her boyfriend decided to dump her. all i could think of was what a stupid reason to try and kill yourself. she really was a relatively easy patient and only required frequent vital signs and hourly outputs. what was a "pain" was listening to her go on and on about why she did this. now, i am deliberately including my bad attitude about this for a reason. it was wrong on my part and contributed to my overwhelming fatigue by the time my shift was ended. i was so tired and glad to get out of there at 7am you can't imagine. let's go forward about 3 years. i was in a local grocery store. some store employee comes up to me all bubbly and says, "you don't remember me, do you?" no. "you took care of me the night i tried to kill myself." she kept thanking me for being so patient with her that night 3 years ago and just listening to her. things were so much better now. and as she explained it came back. she told me the rest of what happened to her. then, i went home and couldn't stop crying. my lesson had come 3 years later.

that is such an amazing story.

i had a somewhat similar experience. i responded to a 911 call of a young girl who had acidentally eaten an entire bottle of tylenol. i had given her nac but her little body was so jaundiced, she remained semiconcious and continued to vomit profusely. i remember how p-o'ed i was at her mom, she either wasn't paying any attention or waited way too long to call 911...and how my partner and i were both thought she was a goner. but we worked really hard to save her and she was still alive when we got her to the hospital.

someone a year or so later had dropped off an envelope to the station addressed to "my friends" in magic marker. it was an invitation to the little girl's birthday party one year later. it was so touching to know that this girl lived because my partner and i were able to help her and get her to the er alive and even more touching that her mom remembered us and invited us to her party. that is the unspoken thank you that makes it all worth while.

loriangel14, RN · Oct 26, 2008

Daytonite you are truly amazing nurse. Your input to these forums is always wise and your ability to communicate with others is awesome.

Thank you.

isneyk · Oct 26, 2008

Amazing stories here...

For the OP, its normal. This is something beyond our control & this is one of the many professions in which emotions should be well handled to provide the best care for others.

Hang in there.:)

OnTheRoad · Oct 26, 2008

Thank you all so much for your responses. It helps so much just to be able to share and to realize I am not alone. I know I will see many horrible things in my career and there will be I am sure many people I just won't be able to forget. It would have been so much harder to get through this first big one without all of you.

Oh and on spongebob... I find I can no longer fall asleep at night unless I put on cartoons. My mind races all night if I don't put something else in there. Noggin is my friend LOL

txnursingqt · Oct 27, 2008

i know this sounds kind of silly but when i would get home from work every morning when i worked EMS and in the ER, i watched spongebob (i still do actually, helped me thru nursing school too). its just mindless humor that helps me to wind down and not sit and think about everything i just saw and what i could have fixed and what went wrong etc. it is kind of my outlet. when feel like nothing went right and my brain won't shut off, i watch spongebob.
maybe find your outlet, whether it be exercising, taking a bath, reading a romance novel, gabbing on the phone, playing slingo, whatever.... you can't be a nurse 24 hours a day. you have to just be you sometimes or you will drive yourself crazy. when you are off work, do something non-nursing and do it for yourself. you deserve it.
i know that its hard and sometimes you are crying inside for your patients and their loved ones. there have been times when i have honestly felt as though my heart was breaking in my chest and the best thing i could do was just put on my poker face. there have been times when i questioned if i should have gone into real estate. ive had nightmares about some of the horrors that human beings do to each other.
it took me a long time to realize that my job was eating me alive. i learned that if i didnt leave it at the door when i clocked out, i wouldnt make it. thats when i met spongebob and patrick.
it does get easier over time. good luck. being a nurse is an amazing profession... it is truly God's work in action. hang in there.

I had to laugh when I read this because when I used to work 7p-7a I would watch Spongebob when I came home too! I thought I was the only one, good to know that I am not alone in being a big kid.