Suicide and its effects, it sucks!!!

[Cattitude]

pardon me while i lament on the week's event's..

[color=#483d8b]sigh, my sweet neighbor's fiancee' took his life last weekend. she is absolutely devastated of course.

[color=#483d8b]these two had been havimg some difficulties lately, up until a month ago they were living together.

[color=#483d8b]constant arguing, day and night. i'm ashamed to say that i often cringed when it started and gave an exasperated sigh to my own honey. she confided in me that she was going to ask him to leave and she did, approx 3-4 weeks ago.

[color=#483d8b]they maintained contact, working on the relationship, and getting along ok. last weekend he was over and she said they had a good time. he went home and killed himself. why? we'll never know.

[color=#483d8b]she said he seemed ok and not unusually depressed. he knew there was hope for them. i hate suicide. it is selfish. it is too damn final.

[color=#483d8b]it is not fair.

[color=#483d8b]this is the third male i know personally to have taken his own life. it makes you peer deeply at your own mortality yet see your own problems as very small.

[color=#483d8b]i spoke with her at length and hope i said a few right things, if there is anything right to even say...she will never be the same. i hope she can find some kind of peace or closure or something.

[color=#483d8b]thanks, if you even read this far...

[CHATSDALE]

i have also known of families who had to pick up the pieces with guilt and confusion

soo sad

[traumaRUs, MSN, APRN]

Unfortunately, me as well! So very sorry.

[burn out]

The guilt it leaves the survivors with is enormous. What did i do or not do to cause this, what did I miss, why didn't I pick up on something. If I just hadn't done this or that. There is no peace with a suicide.

[clemmm78, RN]

It's really hard. My 35-yr-old brother committed suicide two years ago. I'm haunted by an image I never saw since I'm not the one who found him - but it still haunts me. I did all the arrangements and took care of everything. That's not something a big sister should be doing for her baby brother.

Like burn out says. There's not peace with suicide. None.

[BJLynn]

My best friend took his life two and a half years ago. I found out while I was sitting in nursing class. To this day I still have nightmares over it and grieve the large hole this has left in mine and my husband's life. I always had the feeling he would die young, but it still hits so hard. One of the hardest things I have ever done was ride into the cemetary in the limo with his widow and his ashes by my side.

Time and support are the only ways to get past such an event. I'll never "get over" it, but I can get past the fact he commited suicide. I still go out to his grave every now and then and just talk to him and tidy up his plot.

Time and support are the best things you can offer to the survivors left behind.

[Halinja, BSN, RN]

I don't suppose there is any 'right' thing to say, but I'm sure she appreciates your support. The best you can do is keep being there for her. It's a hard thing. The person who suicided is no longer in pain...but the pain is still there, just passed on to the survivors. My sympathies to her...and to you.

[nurseangel47]

How about the hellish nightmare of every single second the suicide victim had to live in before he/she decided FINALLY to do something once and for all to end his/her suffering? Perhaps he/she felt as well that they weren't worth "saving"...hence, not even thinking that help would/could save them. Suicide has at least two sides. I always feel worse for the victim who took themselves out. The angst they must have to endure before the end has to be horrific. I say this with some experience with suicides, both sides need to be considered. Everyone is always taking up for the survivors and putting down the dead. If we could be a bit more compassionate? Stigma, after all.

[UM Review RN, ASN, RN]

How about the hellish nightmare of every single second the suicide victim had to live in before he/she decided FINALLY to do something once and for all to end his/her suffering? Perhaps he/she felt as well that they weren't worth "saving"...hence, not even thinking that help would/could save them. Suicide has at least two sides. I always feel worse for the victim who took themselves out. The angst they must have to endure before the end has to be horrific. I say this with some experience with suicides, both sides need to be considered. Everyone is always taking up for the survivors and putting down the dead. If we could be a bit more compassionate? Stigma, after all.

I'm sorry, I'm not seeing where survivors are "putting down the dead." I'm seeing people in a great deal of emotional pain and turmoil because of another's suicide.

Seems to me that they would not be feeling anything if they didn't care.

Perhaps you can enlighten me?

[justme1972]

I've actually been very fortunate to never know anyone personally that has committed suicide, however, I have always disagreed with the definition that it's a "selfish" thing to do...I just don't believe that selfish has anything to do with it.

The individual that commits suicide is in so much pain that they just want the pain to stop, and they don't feel that the passage of time will help, or it's just so great, that they can't wait. Most of us cannot even fathom suicide...and that is what makes it all the more difficult...because if you take the worst pain you have ever felt in your life, the person that actually takes that extra step and commits suicide had to be in so much pain...beyond what they could handle.

It sounds like your friend's fiance exhibited classic symptoms...the "peace" that people aften see is a warning sign..b/c their decision has already been made to end their life. It's very easily mistaken for getting better or getting over something.

I am so sorry for your friend.

[nurseangel47]

I guess I have heard all too often " ' How could he/she have done that to .... (fill in the blank, re: family member, name of girlfriend, boyfriend, whatever)...have always heard it described (the aftermath of a suicide) as " 'boy, they were such a sick person, and dwelling on the "bad" things that person may or may not have been guilty of... Just my side of things. Not meant to be inflammatory. I hear a lot of negative of the actual person who kills themself, not that I don't feel sympathy for the survivors, not dismissing their hurt/disbelief/shock/guilt, etc. not for one minute!

[zumalong]

As I am one of those survivors (twice over as both my brothers committed suicide)--the best thing you can do for your neighbor is let her know you are there for her. In the little ways.

I believe suicide is cancer of the soul. The one who takes his/her life has fallen into such a deep dark well that they feel they can never escape it. When they get to the point of the act--they are not thinking of anything but ending the pain and suffering.

http://www.survivorsofsuicide.com is a great help and resource for those who are left. Please let her and his family know about this organization. There are support groups to help through the grief. The thing with this disease is that the grief doesn't go away. It gets less but is always there. Let her know that she cant do the "should haves, would haves, could haves. Also be there in the next weeks, months,even years. As survivors time is measured by how many days, weeks, months, years it has been since that phone call, or police visit to door, or actually finding the person.

Also be aware of http://www.afsp.org/ this is non profit organization that is dedicated to education about suicide and prevention. The first web site is great to find support group--but requires money to join.