sorry, i have to vent, I am losing my MIND!!!

GooeyRN, ADN, BSN, CNA, LPN, RN · Apr 10, 2006

Gooey, he does not deserve play money because he is working. He needs to own the fact that he is a married man, with a wife and child. Bills first, then savings, then a little play - maybe, if there's anything left over.
I work and I do not play. I pay the bills, I put away for the kids' college, I put away for retirement (like that will ever happen but I can dream) or for that rainy day. I use the library, I window shop, I read catalogues, I look at pretty pictures on the internet, but all of that is cheap or free. I don't recall my last vacation but it was before I had kids and all of mine are grown except for 1 teenager still at home. I almost never get a new outfit and if I do it costs less than $30. My home is modest but it keeps us sheltered. Our bellies are full but not with steak. Did you know that no one "deserves" to play before the bills are paid and the kids are cared for and one's responsibilities are met? Yeah, we rent a video sometimes or even go to a rush hour show a couple of times a year. We give nice baby shower and wedding gifts. But Christmas and birthdays - I just can't do it on our income. I try to give fun stuff or food but it does not cost a lot. Lately, I find that gift certificates are popular but they aren't for more than about $10 because I just can't afford to give more. We have a large family so I have to content myself with maybe having the honoree over for dinner and giving a little gift certificate. If they don't appreciate it, I can't help it.
Again, I say no one "deserves" to have play money if the bills and other responsibilities aren't seen to first.

Please re-read my post. Particularily the line AFTER I say he deserves some play money since he works. The line I wrote says "But since he is the one working, he does deserve to get some money to play with. But AFTER the bills are paid."

rn/writer, RN · Apr 10, 2006

As for my school situation, I am going for my ADN but in the process of that, I am working towards a Psychology degree. I have always wanted to have my psychology degree and have put off my schooling for many things. Whether it be to take care of a terminally ill family member, being pregnant or taking a job because my husband wouldnt find one when he is transferring branches. Its always been something holding me back from finishing school. I dont know what I want to do with my Psychology degree, maybe its something that I just want to prove to myself and have that piece of paper to show that I did it. I am tired of putting everyone before myself, except for my son, and I am doing all these classes/degrees for me. Its the one thing that I can give to myself. I hope that explains alot. Sheri

I don't know how far along you are in pursuing this degree, but if you have a year or more left, you may have to make some tough choices.

Is it more important to prove something to yourself or to put that time, energy, and financial outlay into keeping your marriage alive?

If you aren't even sure what you want to do with this degree and you don't need it to work psych, why is it a priority for you to pursue it at the expense of other, more critical, needs?

Could it be that this is how you show up in the marriage? He spends (wastes) precious resources on his interests. You spend resources on a degree you don't need and don't have any concrete plans for. And in the meantime, you are so stressed out that you can barely see straight.

You can flip that viewpoint around. Maybe he feels entitled to his "fair share" after seeing you pour your collective resources into getting a degree that, in many ways, makes no sense for you to earn right now. He may not be able to put that into words, but that idea might still be operating behind the scenes.

I'm not being mean-spirited. You may not have ever thought of your degree in these terms before. Yes, it might seem like you're staking a claim for yourself as a person by going after this degree. But from the outside looking in, it seems like a foolish--and very costly--place to make a stand.

Here is what I would encourage you to do:

Acknowledge that your perspective is probably skewed right now, from stress and fatigue, worry and hurt.

Acknowledge, too, that you have influenced the current situation either by enabling or by acts of your own that have let the stress and hurt accumulate.

Refuse to turn your husband into a demon or yourself into a martyr. You are two people who loved each other enough to marry and create a child. What you had once can be rekindled if you don't get locked into adversarial roles.

Take a look at the big picture. Is getting the psych degree right now a worthwhile trade-off for your marriage, enough free time to breathe and play with your son, your peace of mind, and a clear conscience that you did everything you could to work things out with your husband?

I keep coming back to that degree because, by your own admission, you don't need it, don't know what you want to do with it, and won't find it--by itself--an asset in the job world. And yet, you are willing to lay out time, money, effort, and attention on this non-essential while complaining that you are stressed and strapped in other areas.

If this degree symbolizes your committment to taking care of yourself, that is truly a legitimate need. But maybe after finishing out the semester (six weeks left?), it's time to find ways to meet that need without exposing yourself and your family to the all-too-real risk of losing each other. Everyone wins or no one wins in this kind of family conflict.

Get your ADN, by all means. THAT will reap immediate rewards and far more substantial ones that you could ever get with just a psych degree. Also, you've been told, and I will reiterate, that you do NOT need a separate psych degree to pursue psych nursing. I am an ADN and I did psych for years. If you eventually see yourself becoming an advanced practice nurse and possibly doing counseling, you will have plenty of time to pursue additional education while you work and may even have the benefit of employer reimbursement for a good portion of it.

If you can see your way clear to putting off getting the psych degree, that could be a real eye-opener where your husband is concerned. If he can see that you are serious about re-ordering your priorities to the point where you are willing to defer something he knows is important to you, that might say more to him than all the scolding in the world. There's no guarantee that he'll mend his own ways, but it certainly ought to get his attention and show him that you are doing what it takes to put family first. Sometimes a good example (with a contrite and humble spirit) can inspire more change than threats, tears, pleading, and all the rest, combined.

It looks like most of your dilemma comes down to one question. What is your top priority?

I'm guessing you'd answer that it's your son. If so, consider this. Unless your husband is a bad man, the best thing you can do for that boy is to work things out with his dad, find unity of purpose for your family, and strive every day to weed out anything that threatens your committment to each other.

You have far more power than you know. Feel free to PM me to vent, be encouraged, gather information, or just because.

Take care,

GooeyRN, ADN, BSN, CNA, LPN, RN · Apr 10, 2006

I don't know how far along you are in pursuing this degree, but if you have a year or more left, you may have to make some tough choices.
Is it more important to prove something to yourself or to put that time, energy, and financial outlay into keeping your marriage alive?
If you aren't even sure what you want to do with this degree and you don't need it to work psych, why is it a priority for you to pursue it at the expense of other, more critical, needs?
Could it be that this is how you show up in the marriage? He spends (wastes) precious resources on his interests. You spend resources on a degree you don't need and don't have any concrete plans for. And in the meantime, you are so stressed out that you can barely see straight.
You can flip that viewpoint around. Maybe he feels entitled to his "fair share" after seeing you pour your collective resources into getting a degree that, in many ways, makes no sense for you to earn right now. He may not be able to put that into words, but that idea might still be operating behind the scenes.
I'm not being mean-spirited. You may not have ever thought of your degree in these terms before. Yes, it might seem like you're staking a claim for yourself as a person by going after this degree. But from the outside looking in, it seems like a foolish--and very costly--place to make a stand.
Here is what I would encourage you to do:
Acknowledge that your perspective is probably skewed right now, from stress and fatigue, worry and hurt.
Acknowledge, too, that you have influenced the current situation either by enabling or by acts of your own that have let the stress and hurt accumulate.
Refuse to turn your husband into a demon or yourself into a martyr. You are two people who loved each other enough to marry and create a child. What you had once can be rekindled if you don't get locked into adversarial roles.
Take a look at the big picture. Is getting the psych degree right now a worthwhile trade-off for your marriage, enough free time to breathe and play with your son, your peace of mind, and a clear conscience that you did everything you could to work things out with your husband?
I keep coming back to that degree because, by your own admission, you don't need it, don't know what you want to do with it, and won't find it--by itself--an asset in the job world. And yet, you are willing to lay out time, money, effort, and attention on this non-essential while complaining that you are stressed and strapped in other areas.
If this degree symbolizes your committment to taking care of yourself, that is truly a legitimate need. But maybe after finishing out the semester (six weeks left?), it's time to find ways to meet that need without exposing yourself and your family to the all-too-real risk of losing each other. Everyone wins or no one wins in this kind of family conflict.
Get your ADN, by all means. THAT will reap immediate rewards and far more substantial ones that you could ever get with just a psych degree. Also, you've been told, and I will reiterate, that you do NOT need a separate psych degree to pursue psych nursing. I am an ADN and I did psych for years. If you eventually see yourself becoming an advanced practice nurse and possibly doing counseling, you will have plenty of time to pursue additional education while you work and may even have the benefit of employer reimbursement for a good portion of it.
If you can see your way clear to putting off getting the psych degree, that could be a real eye-opener where your husband is concerned. If he can see that you are serious about re-ordering your priorities to the point where you are willing to defer something he knows is important to you, that might say more to him than all the scolding in the world. There's no guarantee that he'll mend his own ways, but it certainly ought to get his attention and show him that you are doing what it takes to put family first. Sometimes a good example (with a contrite and humble spirit) can inspire more change than threats, tears, pleading, and all the rest, combined.
It looks like most of your dilemma comes down to one question. What is your top priority?
I'm guessing you'd answer that it's your son. If so, consider this. Unless your husband is a bad man, the best thing you can do for that boy is to work things out with his dad, find unity of purpose for your family, and strive every day to weed out anything that threatens your committment to each other.
You have far more power than you know. Feel free to PM me to vent, be encouraged, gather information, or just because.
Take care,

Miranda,

EXCELLENT post! I think you gave her some great things to think about!

Jo Dirt · Apr 10, 2006

He is not Peter Pan.

It's time to grow up.

Please see a marriage counselor.

Faeriewand, ASN, RN · Apr 10, 2006

I know how you feel about wanting a degree because I feel the same way too. But consider this: Financial aid is there to help you get your FIRST Bachelor's degree. You are ineligible for much of what is out there from the government after you get that degree. I say drop your pursuit of the psych degree and just concentrate on nursing if that is where you want to end up. Then when you are making money as a nurse you can pursue your degree again. Are you considering student loans right now?

Follow the advice given here and you should do ok. The exception being don't follow the advice of leaving your husband. The only thing children really want in this world is for their parents to get their stuff together and give them a good life. :mad:

RANCH GIRL · Apr 10, 2006

Hi Sherichance,

As a military dependent you have so many options/resources available to help you! Have you heard of www.militaryonesource.com? There you will find links to direct for help with budgeting, child care resources, stress management, etc. Have you checked into the Family Service Center at your local base. They also typically have some very excellent resources there. Best wishes - RG

sherichance · Apr 10, 2006

I am not paying school with my own personal money first of all so I am not spending our money. I have a Pell Grant, and a state assistance grant. So ALL of my schooling is paid for no matter what. I think that I am entitled to get the education I desire since I am not actually paying for it.

ZASHAGALKA, RN · Apr 10, 2006

I am not paying school with my own personal money first of all so I am not spending our money. I have a Pell Grant, and a state assistance grant. So ALL of my schooling is paid for no matter what. I think that I am entitled to get the education I desire since I am not actually paying for it.

I just want to point out that there are more costs to school than tuition.

And this school might cost you so much more.

I don't think anybody is suggesting that you DON'T get your degrees; we are just questioning the headlong pace, in spite of what that pace is doing to you.

~faith,

Timothy.