sorry, i have to vent, I am losing my MIND!!!

Daytonite, BSN, RN · Apr 8, 2006

These conflicts will get resolved one way or another, with or without you or your husband's participation. I was just thinking that if you successfully make it through nursing school and you start working and bringing more income into the family, how are you going to feel if your husband starts spending that money away on stuff to satisfy his own ego as well? When you are in a marriage there is no "I". When do you think he is going to start thinking about you and your son? Since you asked what should you do, I say leave him--now. Don't go back unless he proves he has changed.

You don't drown because you fall into the water.

You drown because you stay there.

The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.

ZASHAGALKA, RN · Apr 9, 2006

You sound stressed beyond belief.
First off I'd urge counseling before making any life changing moves.
He's military, do you qualify for base housing, daycare, financial advisors?

My first thought was: why are you paying rent and contemplating bigger rent if you are a military spouse: get on the list for base housing, NOW.

My second thought: why are you trying to pursue two degrees AT THE SAME TIME? How much of this is purely financial (and believe me, been there, done that) and how much is too much stress, generally. Is it possible that you are losing your perspective?

My third thought: how important is a clean house to you? If this much is on your plate, then let some other plates stay dirty. If they are dirty long enough, your husband will wash them, if for no other reason, than to use them again. . . some men just don't see the routine 'house' work as all that important in the grand scheme of things. If you're married to one, I can't imagine that you didn't suspect as much before. Don't crucify him over it, now.

If you're having constant money problems, and you believe that a big part of that is your husband's fault: make him do the bills while he's home. My first year of marriage, my ex would argue about money constantly with me!!!!! Finally one day, I said, "I'll do the d*&^ bills from now on!" Three months later, I was desperately trying to get her to take these demons back, but, she never did.

We had a rule that worked quite well: the '50 dollar rule' - neither of us could spend more than 50 dollars in any given day, FOR ANY REASON, without the permission of the other, FIRST. Not notification, PERMISSION. If your financial situation is that bad, maybe you should start off with a $25 dollar rule. In any case one of the problems here, made much worse by financial difficulty is that lots of young couples deem their discretionary spending as valid and their spouse's as unreasonable. I bet that when you complain about HIS $50 here and there, that he complains about YOURS - and you see yours as perfectly valid. The $50 dollar rule combats that: you have to give him some leeway to get some - and vice versa.

You are beginning to hate your husband because of the stress on you, some (most) of it of your own making?? Who changed here: him, or you? Your problems are real, but they are also proxy arguments: easier to argue about taking out the trash than your feelings that he's not supporting you. But, if you are intent upon being a martyr (overwhelmed w/ school, overwhelmed w/ bills, etc.) then how can he ever adequately support you? That's the whole point of martyrdom - poor me.

There are options here: focus on one degree at a time, and do so at a slightly slower pace if you're overstressed. Military housing or certainly, cheaper housing - you are creating your own problems by 'moving' up when you know you can't. Sometimes, though, you get so far into the feelings of helplnessness, that instead of empowering yourself to overcome, you empower the situation.

I agree with some counseling but don't make it yet another proxy fight w/ your husband. Go alone first. I think you need some personal counseling over the things bothering you BEFORE you can address a joint counseling w/ your husband. And the military offers it for free, so you have no excuse.

Love is something more than 'everything is perfect, all the time'. You know this, but still, you are so stressed that every little thing is magnified in your mind and you are starting to view your husband as completely out of touch to your feelings when your feelings sound so stressed, really, how could you know? So you are barreling headlong down a destructive path that will lead to your child being raised by single parents.

For better or worse means that, bankruptcy or no, issues or no, you don't let this stuff get in the way. 1 Cor: the chapter of love - always forgets. You are holding grudges you are not entitled to hold in an intimate relationship. Yes, I would surmise that you are heading for a quick divorce. But that's because that is your perspective. Your glass truly is half empty - and getting more empty all the time.

And I think that it is equally valid for you to look at the glass as half or a quarter, as the case may be, full. Understand this: YOUR PERSPECTIVE IS SO STRESSED RIGHT NOW THAT YOU ARE IN NO POSITION TO JUDGE JUST HOW OUT OF FOCUS IT MAY OR MAY NOT BE. To make decisions on that basis is to live to regret those decisions. Please, go see a counselor.

It's time to stop juggling 35 items, and get your juggling act down to a manageable 10-20 items. And get some counseling from someone who knows the ins and outs of juggling. And then, and only then, re-examine how things are going.

Oh, by the way, I'm a believer that humans are creatures of touch and reassurance. Tell your husband you love him, even if you don't always quite believe it. Hug him like you love him, even if you don't always quite believe it. Those actions 'create' love. And failing to do them: destroys it.

Things always work out when that is your highest goals. So, maybe it's time to reshuffle your goals.

Remember this: it's an incredibly difficult thing for two people to live as one. Relationships are difficult, AS THEY SHOULD BE. If it were easy, the potential for gain wouldn't be as great. Your focus should always be on the gain, not the cost. Or, to bring a financial phrase to bear on the capital of a relationship: you get what you pay for.

I wish you well. Not everything I say might apply because I don't know your whole situation. But, I did not mean to be insensitive or harsh. Take what's worth taking, and let what I said that doesn't apply slide.

~faith,

Timothy.

Butterfly3001 · Apr 9, 2006

Oh, by the way, I'm a believer that humans are creatures of touch and reassurance. Tell your husband you love him, even if you don't always quite believe it. Hug him like you love him, even if you don't always quite believe it. Those actions 'create' love. And failing to do them: destroys it.

I like what you said here, its so true. Thanks I will use this in my own relationship.

GooeyRN, ADN, BSN, CNA, LPN, RN · Apr 9, 2006

So many of your problems sound like normal married couples problems to me. You are going to school for two degree's at the same time? If you are overwhelmed, its time to slow down. School is a temporary part of your life, a career is to improve your lives together and a means to support a family. It is always nice to like your job and get paid well, but loved ones are much more important than liking your job and making good money IMO. An education or career are not worth breaking your wedding vows over.

I see your point about the money issues. My dh loves to spend the money too, but he does it AFTER the bills are paid. I really didn't want to have 7 (yes, you read that right, seven) vehicles. He doesn't collect the cheap stuff. :uhoh3:

It sounds like your DH does waste a lot of $. But Im sure he doesn't consider it "wasted". I agree, you need to sit down and discuss your bills. Have everything ready. Make a spreadsheet. Show how much $ is left over at the end of the month. Make an agreement on how much should be saved, and how much to be played with. Maybe you can be the one to hold onto the checkbook/cash if he seems to be wasting it. But since he is the one working, he does deserve to get some money to play with. But AFTER the bills are paid. Maybe there are ways that you can help, too. Maybe if you slow it down with school, You will not need as much daycare and save $, or be able to work a part time job to help with the bills. Or maybe whatever you earn with a part-time job can finance your/his money to "waste". You definatly need to talk about this with him.

I really understand about how a husband can be a slob. I stay home with the baby right now. It is so difficult to keep the house clean since my baby wants to be held constantly. It will take me all day to vacuum, sweep, and mop floors, straighten up, and clean the bathrooms. He comes home from work, puts mud prints on the clean floors, drapes his clothing over furnature, leaves toothpaste blobs in the BR sink, shaves his head in the BR and doesn't clean up the bits of hair, clogs the sink and leaves it, drops food all over the clean kitchen floor and leaves it, his dirty dishes never make it into the sink... I can go on and on. It really pizzes me off since I work so hard to keep our house nice and he undoes everything that I did all day in about half an hour. :uhoh21: However, I need to accept the bad along with the good. I started getting paper plates and plastic forks and spoons to cut down on the dishes. I love him. I can deal with it. He is loyal, honest, loving, and an excellent father. Some things you just have to accept. I am not perfect either.

I hope that you go for counceling by yourself a few times, and then get him to go with you. These are all issues that can be resolved if you work together. As long as there is no abuse (physical OR mental) things can be worked out. You married him b/c you loved him. Please work on things, together. Good luck.

ZASHAGALKA, RN · Apr 9, 2006

I started getting paper plates and plastic forks and spoons to cut down on the dishes.

An excellent idea: I do this, myself.

The best dinner is one where everything, dish and all, goes in the trash, never to be worried about again. . .

~faith,

Timothy.

weirdRN, RN · Apr 9, 2006

I don't have anything to add. Everyone else already said it, so.... Ditto... what they said....

I read a book called The Surrendered Wife. I really enjoyed the book and even now I sometimes refer back to it to help me through stressfull times.

It worked for me. Maybe there will be something in it you can use.

In the interim... go take a hot shower, hug your baby close, kiss your husband good ngiht then go get a good night's rest.

work4choc · Apr 9, 2006

I'm going to agree with the other military posters on this thread:

1. Family services for financial counseling and/or the "shirt" (for AF), his chief (for Navy), or whatever the equivalent is for Army, depending on your branch.

2. You can have allotments set up out of his pay to go directly to your creditors/bills you owe. He has to do this, but if he does not want to or drags his heels, see #1. This would be a HUGE help. In addition, you could have the pay going to your account and he could get his allotment "allowance" deposited into his account, like someone suggested.

3. You PROBABLY would save money living on base, but it all depends. Right now our mortgage on a 4 bdr house is $760/mo (includes taxes and insurance). Our BAH is about $835 (as you know, if you live on base, your BAH disappears). Electricity is the only utility our base includes in the housing. Our electric bill averages $110 per mo - so yes we would save about $35/mo. We'd definitely save on gas - its an 11 mile drive door to door right now.

If you are renting, you most likely would save by moving on base. Our housing waitlist was over 2 years when we moved here (hence, we bought a house). It varies by base, but you might wish to check yours out.

Also, check the family center or education office to see if there are any additional financial assistance programs or scholarships available.

You sound totally stressed out. I also agree that maybe you should lighten your course load a little. Your 4 year old will be in Kindy in a year or two and childcare will cost less.

I am sorry you are going through so much. It is a bad sign that you are relieved when he deploys. That is not the first time I have heard a spouse say that, and I believe it is something that needs to be addressed for the good of your family. Hang in there, you have gotten lots of advice and support, and I hope that continues for you.

weirdRN, RN · Apr 9, 2006

I thought of something I would add to what the other folks have said. Go see either your preacher, his wife, your chaplain or someone in that capacity BEFORE you go see your husband's chain of command.

If you go directly to his chain of command, you risk two things: 1. exacerbating the situation, and 2. making it look like he is incompetent and you a very angry, demanding unsatisfiable woman.

Give him a chance to shine and he just might surprise you.

sherichance · Apr 10, 2006

Thanks to all. Let me start by answering so questions:

We are Coast Guard, they do not have ANY base housing here. There is Navy housing but its in Bremerton Washington which is over an hour drive from where the base is. My husband receives Basic Housing Allowance which pays for our housing. We have to move because the place we are at right now is renovating all the buildings and wants us to move while our place is being renovated then move back into our old place. At this point in my life, I am tired of moving, so we found another place to live that costs a little more and there is a little more space for my son. His room right now is so tiny, he has no room to play and I feel so bad for him.

I have mentioned counseling but my husband doesnt even like to open up to me and talk or show emotions, so who knows if he will do it to some stranger. I have so much anger and frustration in me that when I talk to him about the money issues, I just want to scream. I actually enjoy it when he deploys because money stays in the bank account. I have set him an allowance to spend on his books and stuff but he winds up going over that, then gives me the same answer, I wont do it again I promise.

The Coast Guard base here is really tiny. All together there are about 3 buildings, there is no actual pharamacy, hospital, legal office and so on. We have to drive to Bremerton for it all. I am willing to do anything to make our finances better, whether it be taking his debit card or creating my own bank account and deposit half of his pay check in there that he cannot touch.

As for my school situation, I am going for my ADN but in the process of that, I am working towards a Psychology degree. I have always wanted to have my psychology degree and have put off my schooling for many things. Whether it be to take care of a terminally ill family member, being pregnant or taking a job because my husband wouldnt find one when he is transferring branches. Its always been something holding me back from finishing school. I dont know what I want to do with my Psychology degree, maybe its something that I just want to prove to myself and have that piece of paper to show that I did it. I am tired of putting everyone before myself, except for my son, and I am doing all these classes/degrees for me. Its the one thing that I can give to myself. I hope that explains alot. Sheri

sherichance · Apr 10, 2006

oops. as for child care vouchers, i have tried to get those..apparently my husband makes too much every month to be eligible for that...i even looked into daycare/preschool for low income families, once again he makes too much money which baffles me..we all know military members do not get paid enough....

Red Dahlia · Apr 10, 2006

Great quote about digging the hole!!

Gabie Baby · Apr 10, 2006

Gooey, he does not deserve play money because he is working. He needs to own the fact that he is a married man, with a wife and child. Bills first, then savings, then a little play - maybe, if there's anything left over.

I work and I do not play. I pay the bills, I put away for the kids' college, I put away for retirement (like that will ever happen but I can dream) or for that rainy day. I use the library, I window shop, I read catalogues, I look at pretty pictures on the internet, but all of that is cheap or free. I don't recall my last vacation but it was before I had kids and all of mine are grown except for 1 teenager still at home. I almost never get a new outfit and if I do it costs less than $30. My home is modest but it keeps us sheltered. Our bellies are full but not with steak. Did you know that no one "deserves" to play before the bills are paid and the kids are cared for and one's responsibilities are met? Yeah, we rent a video sometimes or even go to a rush hour show a couple of times a year. We give nice baby shower and wedding gifts. But Christmas and birthdays - I just can't do it on our income. I try to give fun stuff or food but it does not cost a lot. Lately, I find that gift certificates are popular but they aren't for more than about $10 because I just can't afford to give more. We have a large family so I have to content myself with maybe having the honoree over for dinner and giving a little gift certificate. If they don't appreciate it, I can't help it.

Again, I say no one "deserves" to have play money if the bills and other responsibilities aren't seen to first.