So discouraged - a male RN working in a woman's world

[forgop]

I have a bit of a different track into nursing as I decided after 10 years in a prior career that I wanted to something more meaningful in my life. Admittedly, this prior career was more heavily dominated by men and had much less drama.

Anyway, I just started a job at a new hospital on an inpatient unit. I previously spent 18 months in the ER at a different hospital. I've been meeting with the dept manager every couple of weeks so we're all on the same page which is a good thing. I still have yet to really sort through who is staff or resource in the dept, let alone physicians et al. I'm focusing on my time management as our charting system absolutely sucks and I'm busy for 12 full hours while the veterans have play time.

I was told by my manager the feedback from the staff has been that I'm tough to read(hint - I'm too busy trying to do my job at this stage first, not be coffee or smoking buddies). I get it and accept I'm more introverted. Co - workers as questions about what I've done and what I want to do in the future and I answered that I'll probably end up back in the ER at some point after getting critical care experience. Now it is a rumor I just wanted to come to get in the ER there and it's been presented back to the manager and she called me on it.

Men (at least most that I know of) can take such info and not get caught up in some drama. After this kind of stuff goes around, it makes me want to give them no ammo for their drama machine. Do I just have to be so explicit working in this field that there is absolutely no room for error or what? I feel like I'm screwed either way.

[roser13, ASN, RN]

I'm not sure that women or gossip have anything to do with your issue. Any employer who is led to understand that you consider your current, relatively new, position as a temporary stepping-stone to your long-term goal would be a little discomfited.

From your description, it appears that you have been working hard and keeping your nose to the grindstone. Admittedly, you are hard to read and presumably a man of few words. Then when you finally do engage in social conversation, you disclose that this position is simply a way-station on the way to your real goal - the ED. It's really no surprise that your disclosure made it to management.

Simply from your description, I would lay the "blame" (I would prefer to say responsibility as I don't believe a crime has been committed) at your feet, as opposed to your all-female co-workers. Of course everyone (nurse or otherwise) has long-term career goals and of course some folks will always be planning to move on. Most of us just don't disclose our plans to co-workers when we barely know them.

But what do I know? I'm one of those women.

[Pepper The Cat, BSN, RN]

What drama?

You have indicated that you want to return to ER. That info was passed on.

As for the comment that the veterns have "play time" while you are working, have you asked for help?

This has nothing to do with nursing being a "female dominated" profession.

[TU RN, DNP, CRNA]

I hear ya man. I'm usually pretty busy for all 12 hours on my inpatient unit and normally it's my own fault, but it's just so easy and historically acceptable to blame women - so I do that :sarcasm:

[fetch, BSN, RN]

You've acknowledged that your unit is "a woman's world," and that you are more introverted. Why don't you push yourself to try to meet some of the expectations of the unit climate? For example, if everyone is chatting before shift change, offer up a comment or two even if you feel awkward. I myself struggle with small talk, introversion, etc, so I find the person who likes to chat the most and I smile, ask one or two questions, and they're off! I don't have to think of things to say as Chatty Cathy will take off on her own, but I show to her (and to others in the workplace) that I am engaging with my coworkers, and don't come off as stand-offish.

If all your coworkers know is that you are mostly quiet and you really want to work in the ED, then it is easy to see how they could get the impression that you're just using that unit for a stepping stone. True or not, you don't need to advertise it, especially when you are new. And if your NM is the one who asked you about planning to move on, then it's not "drama" and it's not "rumors," it's a NM trying to figure out if she needs to hire yet another new person so soon after hiring you.

Consider also, most women have been taught by society that being blunt is not often appreciated and temper their comments with "I think" or "it's just a suggestion" or "in my opinion," etc. Are your co-workers trying to give you hints that you aren't seeing? I'm not talking about hidden messages trying to start drama, I'm talking about subtle suggestions or help. (IE, if you're struggling with a computer system, a male coworker might say "go to tab X and do YZ." A female coworker might say "have you tried looking under tab X for the button? I know I had a hard time finding YZ!") Good or bad, right or wrong, you might have to do a little work to meet your coworkers halfway.

Or maybe this unit isn't a good fit for you. What do we know, we're just anonymous posters on the internet.

[Hygiene Queen]

Admittedly, this prior career was more heavily dominated by men and had much less drama.

I'm sorry, but neither sex wins the Drama and Gossip Award.

My husband is the manliest damn man you'll ever meet, but that doesn't stop him from gossiping with the men in the neighborhood.

They grab their beers, meet in someone's driveway and have at it.

I have never heard more cackling and crowing in all my life (they even exchange recipes and make fun of each other's cars, lawns, etc.).

Then he comes home and tells me all the "juicy" stuff he heard-- really, honey?!??

By-the-way, my husband used to work in law enforcement and, according to him, you never will meet a gossipier and drama-filled bunch of men.

I was told by my manager the feedback from the staff has been that I'm tough to read(hint - I'm too busy trying to do my job at this stage first, not be coffee or smoking buddies). I get it and accept I'm more introverted.

I get the exact same thing all the time.

It has nothing to do with your gender, but your personality.

I am very introverted and I don't make friends easily.

I have been at my job for a decade, and I still am no one's coffee or smoking buddy.

Extroverts have a hard time with this, especially since they want to get to know you in the beginning.

They don't know what to think when you are non-receptive.

Over time, they will see that's just how you are and accept it.

Co-workers ask questions about what I've done and what I want to do in the future and I answered that I'll probably end up back in the ER at some point after getting critical care experience. Now it is a rumor I just wanted to come to get in the ER there and it's been presented back to the manager and she called me on it.

That, I'm a afraid, was a foolish thing to do.

You're an introvert!

You know how to keep things to yourself!

Why did you have to go and reveal that?

That has nothing to do with working with women!

That has to do with learning to play the game and knowing when to keep your mouth shut about your career plans.

When you are working an area simply for the experience, with no plan to stay long-term... well, then that is not something you share.

They will see you as a waste of time and money.

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

[HouTx, BSN, MSN, EdD]

So sad - - - and here you are trying to find answers on a female dominated online site . I find it very difficult to generate empathy when individuals do not 'own' their own ... er, uh.... stuff. It's always easier to attribute one's own failings to others, the environment, the culture, phases of the moon, rotten childhood, bad hair day, etc. Examining and changing one's own behavior is much harder.

As PPs have pointed out, a newbie who gives off vibes of "just passing though on the way to a much better place" will have a very difficult time being accepted by those co-workers who now realize that the newbie considers them lesser beings for 'settling' to work in that inadequate place.

[xoemmylouox, ASN, RN]

I hate to tell you, but the "male" MD's are the BIGGEST gossips around. You telling your newer co-workers this is a stepping stone wasn't smart. It could be that the group of people you work with are toxic. Don't give them ammo.

[Asystole RN]

As a male nurse I agree 100%.

I do not know if women gossip and bring more drama than men on average per individual BUT they do tend to socialize a lot more. I think this is just a difference between men and women, women as great communicators. It just so happens that a large portion of all of our communication is gossip and drama.

Women are simply 1,000% better at communicating than men, communicating just happens to annoy most men.

As a man, when I am at work I just want to work. I don't want to hear about your baby daddy issues or what some other nurse looks like or who they are sleeping with. I can't complain too much though, I voluntarily entered into a female dominated profession so I cannot expect women to act like men.

[Ruby Vee, BSN]

It's always difficult for me to fit into a new unit, but you're going to have additional problems because of your misogyny. Neither sex has a lock on gossip or drama, and blaming your problems on being in a female dominated unit isn't going to fly. If you're so dang introverted, why go and tell everyone that this job is just a stepping stone for you? That was incredibly stupid, and it's small wonder that management heard.

Focusing on doing your job is a good thing, once you have time management down you'll have more time to "play." Please use some of that time to get to know your colleagues, and to let them get to know the positive aspects of you.

[Guttercat, ASN, RN]

I hate to tell you, but the "male" MD's are the BIGGEST gossips around. .

And how! I know this first hand. Pretty shocking, actually.

What it boils down to, is people are people. And as my Great Uncle used to tell my mother, "M. People are just no damn good."

[generalRN2008]

Some areas are male dominated. The town I grew up was very male dominated in healthcare. 70% male on average