My child is rebelling

Amethya · Jan 26, 2018

What are her grades in school?

I'm looking at her grades now.

LA: 73

Reading: 77

Math: 74

Science: 81

Social Studies: 86

That's the average and I looked at her assignments and it seems that she does good at the classwork, but the tests are what kills her, especially if she doesn't study them. Because she got a 101 in a spelling test in November because she studied them, but she then got a 50 in the most recent one.

OldDude · Jan 26, 2018

I'm looking at her grades now.
LA: 73
Reading: 77
Math: 74
Science: 81
Social Studies: 86
That's the average and I looked at her assignments and it seems that she does good at the classwork, but the tests are what kills her, especially if she doesn't study them. Because she got a 101 in a spelling test in November because she studied them, but she then got a 50 in the most recent one.

The first thing I'd do is get the ADD/ADHD screeners from her pediatrician and do that evaluation. I don't think she needs to be referred to a psychologist for this evaluation. It's straight up and any pediatrician can do it. She's at the age where frustration from untreated ADD/ADHD will start to really settle in and manifest in similar behavior and avoidance of things that she isn't interested in. Otherwise keep in mind, kids will model the the behavior of the one who gets the most attention.

wondern, ASN · Jan 27, 2018

God bless you, Amythea. :inlove: Glad your sister's babies got to stay with family.

Maybe and most likely it's a combination of all of the above. Keep giving the positive reinforcement with her tablet for homework and also good grades if that's what you want to see improve.

Also the one on one girl time idea is really nice, really even nicer positive reinforcement than the tablet time in a lot of ways.

They love their little tablets that's for sure. That was sweet of you to get her one! Do y'all ever watch funny videos together? Does she like music videos? :whistling:

Kooky Korky, BSN, RN · Jan 27, 2018

I"d like to see her grades all 85% or better.

I hope you will find some counseling for your niece outside of the school. She needs psychological care, not just academic. She needs perhaps some

involvement in something like a religious group, sports, or Girl Scouts - something like that.

ProperlySeasoned · Jan 27, 2018

Two things jump out at me

1. Your family is going through some trying financial times, and stress is high

2. Though you love your niece and nephew, and probably can't dream of not having them in your family, you have no legal obligation to them. In a purely economic sense, your niece and nephew are a financial liability.

She may be worried about her position in your family, and may be rejecting you before you can reject her. Though you may try to shield her from the finances and the legalities of guardianship, kids this age pick up on it. She has already experienced two major abandonments (her mothers death, her fathers rejection). She is exerting some control is a helpless situation by pushing back against those who have welcomed her.....because she can. And, at the same time, she could be terrified that this is all some kind of temporary arrangement that could fall apart at any moment, just like what happened to her before.

JKL33 · Jan 27, 2018

Also the one on one girl time idea is really nice, really even nicer positive reinforcement than the tablet time in a lot of ways.

I think this is a lovely idea, too, and would put it right near (or at) the top of any list of important interventions. First and foremost this girl/young lady needs to know (learn to believe) that she is loved, dearly loved, and that she has inherent value beyond measure.

I hate to write anything else because I think that ^ is the crux of everything. We would like to think that kids would always know this because we do love them so dearly and sacrifice for them without even thinking of it, but they don't process things that way. Despite your love and sacrifice, Amethya, (which is major and significant), unfortunately your niece has even more reason to not believe good things about herself because of other losses and rejections in her life. I would take her under your wing in a very intentional way with a mind to show her and verbally reinforce to her that she is loved and that she, as a person and as your niece, is of immeasurable value that no one can even fathom. I would go beyond just trying to "connect" with her over girl things or her iPad or any other temporary "thing" - those may be reasonable icebreakers, but they aren't glue that holds things together over the long term. Real glue is relationship-based; kind of a spiritual thing, if you will.

Speak every word and make every action with her well-being in mind. Tolerance and acceptance, but not (negligent) permissiveness. Rather, every interaction and every decision and every word and piece of advice is made and given with the idea of shoring her up and helping her believe her own value so that she can grow stronger. I would tell her some of this point blank. Start with regular one-on-one time ("I've been thinking...we need to get out of here for awhile and just relax; hang out. Where should we go?") and then make it a regular occurrence. Sooner (or a little later, so it's not "forced") she needs to hear, "I want you to know how much I love you. I know our life is kind of rough, but that's separate from who we are as people...and from who you are...inside. You are a person of great value that I can't even describe to you...and that is true regardless of anything life throws at us. I would love to see you 'know' that...deep down, through and through. We can get through this and we can even grow stronger...believing and knowing that things around us are not who we are." Etc.

Amethya - Bless you. For caring, for providing, for being there. Please take care of yourself, too.

allnurses Guide · Jan 27, 2018

I have spent most of my career working with adolescent girls in crises. After reading all of the replies here I will add my two cents. You have received some great advice BTW. Still this is about the age that girl's begin to assert themselves as women. They don't know this but their bodies are changing and gearing up for adult life. Some girls even start their periods as early as 9. Adolescent girls and boys for that matter need love, structure and guidance in that order. It is important that she know that she is loved. She must never be made to feel she is bad! You can discuss actions that you feel are dangerous or inappropriate. Structure is important as well. Enforced study and bed time. Limited use of the internet and or social media by phone. Much of the self harm epidemic being experienced by adolescent girls is fueled by social media. I highly recommend a K-safe where phones and tablet get placed at bedtime and it cannot be opened until morning. That way you know she is not up all night accessing social media.

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I personally feel that every girl should be enrolled in some kind of athletic program. Martial arts is my personal favorite as it stresses discipline, character and self esteem. Definitely consider counseling for her. Too much time alone is never a good thing so if she is spending a lot of time alone your family may have to restructure things so that she is not alone especially on social media. I am sorry to say this but I have seen girls as young as 10 who are sexually active. This is particularly true of young women who lack a strong male/father role model. They reach out for male attention in order to feel loved.

If you could gain guardianship she could be added to your health insurance and the counseling would be covered. You might even present it to her father that way. That you have no desire to cut him out of her and her brother's life but you want to be able to give her the best care possible. Before you right him off as a jerk remember he is grieving also. His behavior may be a sign of maladaptive coping with the loss of his wife. If he is unwilling to budge you may have to get an attorney involved to sue for child support. Like it or not as long as he is their legal guardian he is responsible for their financial welfare.

You might also look for a support system for her. Big sister's of America is a start as is Project Sister. If she is under 18 she is automatically eligible for Medicaid so look into that. It could help pay for her counseling.

I wish you all the best. You are doing a great thing by taking these children into your home and heart.

Peace and Namaste

Hppy

DowntheRiver · Jan 28, 2018

I'm going out on a different branch here. If you're going to stay involved in this family matter, which it sounds like you are, you need to speak to your parents about helping your brother. If you guys are really that close to becoming homeless AND your parents are so concerned about helping your brother, they need to realize that CPS will (most likely) become involved once you are actually homeless. So by helping your brother you're essentially putting down a welcome mat for CPS. Everyone else's suggestions are great as far as your niece goes but looking at the big picture overall I think your brother and your parents (reality check) need some kind of intervention to deal with that issue.

Amethya · Jan 29, 2018

Thank you for all the advice guys. I am trying my hardest with this situation, but sadly it's always been like a cycle in our household. I would do something about this and talk to my parents, but like any Hispanic families, the man is the head of the household, as long as I live with my parents, I have to abide by my father's decisions, even though I think they are ridiculous. My father is a good man and taught me the value of hard work pays off, but the problem with him is he's too easily duped and is horribly stubborn (sadly a quality I have myself). As many times as I have explained of my father of helping my brother is not going to help anyone in the long run, he gets horribly angry and yells at my mother and I, that we don't love my brother. While I do agree somewhat to this statement that I'm not very fond of my older brother, I would like to help him if he actually helps himself.

My mother and I were thinking of doing our Taxes together by ourselves without my father knowing to make sure he doesn't know how much we got and doesn't rely on this money for my older brother. We will be using our money, and adding the children in our taxes to be able to put ourselves on time with bills and hopefully be okay. But sadly knowing this cycle, I have a feeling he will be arrested again this year, in jail and we will have once to again to bail him out before he gets deported. While I would love nothing to help my brother, I just feel that if we bail him again, he will not learn any lesson and think he has lay-a-way to the law.

As for my niece, we have been doing quite better lately. I took their tablets away last time, which by after speaking to them in the car and having a sort of family meeting, we all agreed (She just said she didn't care, which I took as yes) and we spent the weekend without any internet, unless we were watching a movie or playing some video games together. She was interacting really well with her brother at times, and of course they fought, they are siblings. But they were really well behaved and I did explain to her that until her grades go up and her attitude changes, she won't be using her tablet.

And I'm glad because I'm happy to report that because of all her boredom without her tablet, she's been doing her homework and asking for help. :3

I'm hoping this helps in the long run, as well because we also signed her up for tutorials and she has a mentor at school. If our financial problems fix by summer, I'll sign her up to gymnastics because of her love of that or dance classes. And possibly soccer for my nephew, because he needs some exercise as well.

MrNurse(x2), ADN · Jan 31, 2018

Amethya, never discount the loss of a parent to a child. That pain is deep and everlasting. She will definitely benefit from counseling. Your family dynamics may be intensifying those fears of abandonment. Remember, she wasn't only abandoned by her mom, albeit involuntarily, but her father is also abandoning her to your family. Fear is the opposite of love, therefore, love can alleviate these fears. Great advice to help has already been given. Focus on the fear instead of the actions.