Should I look for other jobs besides Nursing?

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I am a new grad and I recently passed my NCLEX. I am in the process of looking for jobs around NY (where I live) and other places/states. I was very optimistic but now my self-esteem is low regarding whether or not I can be a good nurse. For two years my mother has told me time and time again that I would make a terrible nurse. Every time we get into an argument my mother (who is also a nurse) tells me I am not qualified and my personality is not "nurse material". It really hurts. She does not believe in me and brings me down but also puts pressure on me to find a job at the same time. Every little thing I do or mistake I make she will say "is that what you will do when you are a nurse?" She basically says I suck at being a people person and will suck at nursing care. I'm crying right now because I have worked so hard at get this degree just to be told by my own mother that I will be terrible at it. My confidence is shattered because she brings me down and employers won't hire me and I have no experience. At this point I am thinking of changing careers. Can you give me some advice? What should I do?

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If you let your mom get into your head, you are going to defeat yourself before you start. There are a lot of different kinds of nursing. Just because she does not think you would be good at whatever it is she does, that doesn't amount to a hill of beans. And we behave differently with our family than we do with patients and in a work environment. Sounds like your mom is a bully, I feel sorry for her coworkers. It is hard enough starting out without that going on at home. You need to get yourself a job so you can get your own place. Get roommates if you need to. Just get out of that negativity. Keep applying, and be patient.

Get away from your mother. Stop listening to her. She is not helping. You need to find a way to get what she said out of your head otherwise every time you make a mistake (which we all do, all the time) you are going to think she was right. Her behavior is not normal. You can't affect how other people treat you, only how you choose to react to it. Don't engage when she starts that crap. Just walk away and don't say a word. You can't reason with crazy.

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Specializes in Pain, critical care, administration, med.

Why would your mother say stuff like that? If you want be a nurse then you work towards that goal and be your best. Jobs for new nurses is rough in many areas so hang in there and follow your dreams.

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If you let your mom get into your head, you are going to defeat yourself before you start. There are a lot of different kinds of nursing. Just because she does not think you would be good at whatever it is she does, that doesn't amount to a hill of beans. And we behave differently with our family than we do with patients and in a work environment. Sounds like your mom is a bully, I feel sorry for her coworkers. It is hard enough starting out without that going on at home. You need to get yourself a job so you can get your own place. Get roommates if you need to. Just get out of that negativity. Keep applying, and be patient.

Get away from your mother. Stop listening to her. She is not helping. You need to find a way to get what she said out of your head otherwise every time you make a mistake (which we all do, all the time) you are going to think she was right. Her behavior is not normal. You can't affect how other people treat you, only how you choose to react to it. Don't engage when she starts that crap. Just walk away and don't say a word. You can't reason with crazy.

That's exactly how I feel, my mother keeps getting into my head and I am staritng to believe it. You are right I pray I can find a job just so I can move. And if I make mistakes they are my mistakes to make. Thank you for understanding.

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I have to assume you're an adult, as you've just passed a licensing exam for professionals. Therefore I cannot understand why you would be allowing your mother (of all people??) to be verbally abusing you--and one better, you're listening to it?

Obviously not a healthy environment, but truthfully, you cannot let anyone's remarks "shatter your confidence", etc etc. You have a very long road to travel through orientations, first day/weeks/months on the job. You will have preceptors and others who will be nasty to you, you will have patients who will scream at you about your incompetence.

Are you going to let them determine your future? Really? If so, then your ability to be a nurse will become irrelevant: you will seal your own fate by believing in nonsense. Don't let your mother's vitriol turn into the truth.

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You're the one who made it through all that studying and work. You're the one who is in the 'driver's seat' of your own life.

There comes a time to 'peel away' from your mother in terms of making your own decisions...and it seems like that time is here.

Remember...there are so many specialties in nursing for you to explore. Exercise your wings!

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This isn't about you - its about your mother. If you were as terrible as she says or stupid or whatever you would not have made it through school or passed the boards. As tough as it is, the best thing you can do is not only get a job but one where you can distance yourself from your mother. It sounds like she has some issues and they do not need to become yours. NO ONE can steal your joy unless you let them..I know, easier said than done especially when it's your mom but don't let her or anyone else define who you are - YOU are in control. Keep looking, ignore her and get some distance when you can.

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There are plenty of people who can''t get nursing jobs; it's not you (assuming you graduated and passed NCLEX, you're qualified). I repeat: IT'S NOT YOU. (Sorry for shouting)

Your mother is a mean and vindictive, perhaps damaged, person who doesn't care what her daughter is or does or feels so long as she can make herself feel better by making you feel bad. Seriously, what kind of mother is that? I can tell you, because I have one. I can tell you that mumblemumble years of this is enough. Hell, twenty was enough, but it took me awhile longer to realize that in a mother-daughter relationship, if there have been problems since childhood, chances are excellent that it wasn't the child's fault. You only acquire fault if you don't move yourself away from the source of pain. So I raised my kids with the mantra, "It's stupid to stay with someone who make you feel bad."

Now I'm happy, my kids love me, and my mother ... well, she still gets that unseemly, used-to-be hurtful flash of delight when she thinks she knows something I don't (of course, with the dementia setting in, she usually doesn't :) )

I drop in from time to time to see she's safe in the ALF, but you know what? I only do it so my siblings won't think I'm neglectful. I don't really care. Not a very flattering reason but there it is. When she's dead and gone I will not miss her. I missed her enough all those years when I was trying to figure out how to fix it. It wasn't mine to fix. I'm long since over it.

You absolutely need to get away from her. I know sometimes people are afraid to go to the unknown even if it's probably going to be better than a known misery, because the known is at least familiar. OK, you've had familiar. How's that working out for ya? Not so hot, by the sound of it. I know what it's like to envy people who have good mothers, to wonder why I don't have one. Doesn't really matter. It is what it is. Go out and live your life, and live secure in the knowledge that in your life you will meet other people who will be what she can't or refuses to be for you.

If you are living with your mother, move. You can do it. Start looking NOW. Start collecting household stuff at second-hand stores NOW. Share an apt or a house with others. Live in the Y or other women's residence. They can be great sources of friendship and support.

Do not visit, do not seek her out-- you already know that's just asking for trouble, right? When she calls, say, "Mom, I can't talk now. Goodbye." and HANG UP without another word from her.

Seek a good counselor-- your school health service can refer you even if you have graduated, to get some language to use when you absolutely have to have contact with her. Meanwhile, practice a few short phrases. The minute you notice your mother in your head, say out loud, "Out! I'm great, thanks!" Pretty soon you will find that you will notice sooner and sooner, and then after awhile you won't hear her there so much.

If you want to make her crazy, when she cranks at you in person, smile your very sweetest smile (which you can do because you have already decided that she is dead wrong about you) and say, "You may be right," and then go right about doing whatever you were going to do anyway. She thrives on seeing your reaction to her abuse...give her an incongruous one and she'll be so off balance she'll probably sputter. And that will make you smile, too.

Good luck! You can do this!

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Specializes in M/S, ICU, ICP.

First off I would think that the mother you have described is a horrible mother and not a very compassionate or supportive "nurse" either. My mother was mentally ill, had years of ECT and depressive episodes and a light stroke eliminated any inhibitions she had about her hatred for and at me. I was not the boy she had always wanted. I wasn't even the child she wanted. (back in the early 50's pregnant with no husband was really NOT cool). Once married she lost 6 babies as still births and to say she really hated me then was an understatement.

I would recommend getting as far away from her and a-n-y toxic relationship as soon as you can. Run, don't walk, in the other direction. Pursue your dream of being a nurse, it is hard for all the new grads if you read these boards. Do get some professional help, our mothers dysfunctions affect us in so many unseen ways. Look at nursing home work or even part time work and realize this too will not last forever. It will get better.

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Specializes in M/S, ICU, ICP.

GrnTea wrote: "Your mother is a mean and vindictive, perhaps damaged, person who doesn't care what her daughter is or does or feels so long as she can make herself feel better by making you feel bad. Seriously, what kind of mother is that? I can tell you, because I have one. I can tell you that mumblemumble years of this is enough. Hell, twenty was enough, but it took me awhile longer to realize that in a mother-daughter relationship, if there have been problems since childhood, chances are excellent that it wasn't the child's fault."

GrnTea, you are so very right. I can easily say the woman does have some mental instability and is very toxic, controlling, and manipulative and I have never met her. Personality disorders and I don't know what all was wrong with my mother. I was hospitalized on 2 occassions beause she admitted to the doctors she was trying to kill me and back then, kids were your property and did not get involved. Just ordered more ECT for her.

I cannot tell you the physical and emotional years of abuse I survived and you are right, a child does nothing to cause such insanity.

I do remember when my mother finally died I wouldn't even get the near the casket, I was so scared she would raise up and come alive and not at long last be dead. I know this may seem cruel coming from a daughter let alone a nurse, but Years of abuse and neglect kill any sense of love in a childs heart and soul.

I am near retirement years myself now and I can still to this day remember the relief I felt when my mother was finally dead. I was let out of some invisible cage that I can't explain but totally understand/ It sure hurt to survive all those years but it has made me one heck of a good nurse. :)

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Specializes in adult psych, LTC/SNF, child psych.

I had to double check and make sure that I didn't type this post myself. I was recently unemployed for quite some time and even though I was getting nursing interviews, she was content to tell me that I should apply for and accept a retail job, so I could live under her wing for the rest of my life. Let me tell you, the second that I saw the slightest glimmer of hope for a new nursing job, I jumped. It was scary and I faltered a bit, but my wings are drying and I'm starting to feel like I'll be able to fly again and do this on my own, without my mother. This may or may not be applicable, but do a google search for "narcissistic parents". I did, and things started making a lot more sense in regards to my relationship with my mother. I agree with everyone else too about therapy!

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Sounds like you've met my mother!

In high school, I wanted to be a nurse. She talked me out of it. I lacked maturity, wouldn't be good around blood, etc. The usual arguments. What made it worse, was this was back in the '70s when nursing school was residential, free, and they gave you an allowance while studying.

I graduated as a Practical Nurse 25 years after finishing high school and a few other working lives. She refused to come to my graduation, didn't want to fly post 9-11 with all the security restrictions. Told me I'd be a lousy nurse, wasn't a people person, and lacked compassion.

Nothing has changed in her view of me and any achievements I've made over my lifetime.

Patients like me (believe it or not) and I've had more than a few letters to my manager telling her if they had to come back to hospital they hope I'm working that day.

Recently, after looking after a woman in her age group, I decided I'd try again with her. She called me and gave me one of her usual lectures. I'm done.

I live a 15 hour drive from her. I don't visit. She's toxic. Nothing I've done has ever been good enough for her. She has made her choices over the years and now I've made mine. People tell I'm terrible for cutting her from my life, but, in reality she cut me from hers years ago.

Oh, and she trained as a nurse.

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