i would love to quit but can't.i have tried so many time. this is all tearing me up inside. it is not because i care that much about my own health. after 45 years of smoking, what is done, is done. i am so tired of the social stigma and being treated like i'm lower than dirt. i honestly think drug addicts are treated better with their "addiction disability". i am so beat down and depressed already and the glares, wiggling thier noses up like they have smelled sour fish, and the flat out rude comments by non-smokers have only made my nerves worse.
on top of it all, i am ocd, and have to battle depression and panic disorders, to the point i don't drive and go no where except to and from work. even that is hard some days. i do the best i can and after 25 years of floor nursing i found myself in a violently abusive relationship and almost died. that is when the panic and depression started. i can't get the memories out of my head.
i don't have much self esteem to begin with but this recent attitude society has developed against smokers has killed what confidence i did have. people, including nurses, don't mind telling you "you stink like an ashtray" while they have enough perfume on to send my asmatic patients into spasms. geesh i even smoke more now than before. i am so self conscious and scared to even be seen going out back to the smoking area on break. i feel ike a leper.
i have tried the patches. i have tried wearing 2 patches at a time. i still crave a cigarette and i get fixiated on it. i get snappy, bitter, and forgetful and clumbsy. my stuttering starts back up and the migranes get worse. i can't chew the gum, my dentures come out. i tried the nasal spray and it was a miracle i did it in the doctors office. i had a reaction and went into brochospasms and ended up getting shots and breathing treatments.
i cannot take chantex becuase i have asked. my therapist and medical doctor both refuse becuase it will interact with my present medications. i just wish people realized it is an addiction. it is a coping mechanism too for people like me. it helps me take a mental break and get away specially if i am having a panic attack. you just have no idea how terrible some people can make you feel and for some of us smoking is not just a habit, it is an addiction, and a way to cope.
it's like the world suddenly has a scapegoat and smokers are it. i am a great nurse. i just feel less secure about the rest of my life. let me hush and oh please, do not tell me i should quit, dont you think i know that. my stress levels are sky high with them laying off people at work and i am an older nurse at the top of the pay scale. i am paranoid i will loose my job over this because our facility is planning to go nonsmoking and all i can do is cry.