Should boyfriend help me out?

Asherah, BSN, RN · Jun 22, 2008

Its quite clear that we have opinions on both sides of the spectrum here. I think that we need to refrain from the disrespect and calm down a bit so this thread doesn't get closed and the OP can get more perspective and benefit from more than a handful of personal stories.

MB37 · Jun 22, 2008

Well, if the all-knowing government says something, it must be true. And there is no "regulation" that paying for an adult child's (oxymoron much?) education is a parent's responsibility. I'm aware that your parents have to fill out a FAFSA until you're 25 or meet any of a number of other qualifications in order to be considered independent, but that doesn't make it their obligation. For the record, while I learned quite a bit about life and about myself while on my own since 18, I do wish my parents had helped a little. I was accepted to an Ivy League school for my first degree, and I desperately wanted to go, but I wasn't offered any aid because of my parents' income and net worth. I'm very happy with my life, but it's one of those things where I'll always wonder what if...by the way, what happened to the OP? Did she get scared off?

allnurses Guide · Jun 22, 2008

I was just going to ask the same thing about the OP.

Where is she?

steph

SarasotaRN2b · Jun 22, 2008

My suggestion would be to look into a part-time position within a hospital. Usually they are pretty flexible if you are in nursing school, and you might even get some financial assistance from them.

Kris

shoegalRN, RN · Jun 22, 2008

The issue for me since this thread began is this:
Resources that belong to another person are theirs to GIVE.
They are not anybody else's to TAKE.
So regardless of whether it's parents or boyfriends, if they offer resources to help you get a start in life once you are an ADULT...then that is an act of great generosity on their end. If they choose not to, which they can for any reason - (because they're theirs to give, not yours to take!) - and you characterize them negatively for not doing something they're either unable or disinclined to do...then that's a poor reflection on you...not them.
A period of extended adolescence...and by that I mean years in which you are dependent upon other people to provide for you after the age of legal adulthood (i.e. 18)...is NOT an entitlement.

Can you please have this printed up and passed out to every high school senior in this country? Where is all this entitlement attitude coming from? Once you are over the age of 18, anything your parents CHOOSE to do for you financially is their CHOICE, not a moral obligation. Wake up, this is the REAL world. It's time to pull yourself up from the bootstraps and make it work to the best of your advantage.

Just because someone is "dating" you don't mean it's their moral obligation to financially support you. If they "choose" to give you money, or help pay a bill, it's because they WANT to, not because they HAVE to.

I be damned to hell if a "boyfriend" comes to me EXPECTING I hand over half of my hard earned money because he has poor money management skills and live above his means, while living at home with his parents. It's MY money, and frankly my finances is none of his business. I've got my own bills to pay and I don't think it's right that because I live within my means, I should help bell someone out of financial mess simply because I am "dating" him.

I do because I FEEL like it, not because I'm OBLIGATED to. And this goes for anybody, friends and family. The only person I am obligated to take care of financially is my 11 year old son. Everyone else can kick rocks. If I CHOOSE to OFFER financial assistance, it's my CHOICE, not my OBLIGATION.

This is where folks are getting it twisted. Just because you are "dating" someone don't mean it's their moral duty to support you finanically. If they want to, cool, if not, you can't get mad because they choose not to.

Jolie, BSN · Jun 22, 2008

The issue for me since this thread began is this:
Resources that belong to another person are theirs to GIVE.
They are not anybody else's to TAKE.
So regardless of whether it's parents or boyfriends, if they offer resources to help you get a start in life once you are an ADULT...then that is an act of great generosity on their end. If they choose not to, which they can for any reason - (because they're theirs to give, not yours to take!) - and you characterize them negatively for not doing something they're either unable or disinclined to do...then that's a poor reflection on you...not them.
A period of extended adolescence...and by that I mean years in which you are dependent upon other people to provide for you after the age of legal adulthood (i.e. 18)...is NOT an entitlement.

I agree with nurse2B09, and think that this should not only be tatooed on the arm of every 18-year old in the nation, but every able-bodied, voluntarily unemployed adult relying on taxpayer support as well.

MassED, BSN, RN · Jun 22, 2008

I am attending a community college for an accelerated nursing program. I currently work at a small local restaurant and get paid only minimum wage. My school schedule only allows me to work 3 days a week including weekends; therefore, I am making no money. I'm not qualified for student aid and the school I attend does not participate in any student loan programs. I've tried applying at other restaurants such as Chili's and Olive Garden but I don't get hired because they do training in mornings which I cannot attend because of school hours. My parents are putting gas in my car, but they can only help out so much. I still have a car note to pay and credit card bill. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 3 years. I have several girls in my class and their boyfriend is helping them out. Many girls were even able to quit their jobs because their boyfriend will give them money. I hate to work more hours and start failing school because of it. Do you think my boyfriend should be helping me out? Should he offer to put gas in my car, give me $50 or so? I don't think it is his obligation to help me out, but I feel he should.

Has he offered? What about your parents loaning you the money? Your school doesn't have any loan programs, what is that all about? Federal student loans? I couldn't have gone through my BSN program without loans... school's too expensive when you DO have a good job.

whodatnurse · Jun 22, 2008

Well, if the all-knowing government says something, it must be true. And there is no "regulation" that paying for an adult child's (oxymoron much?) education is a parent's responsibility. I'm aware that your parents have to fill out a FAFSA until you're 25 or meet any of a number of other qualifications in order to be considered independent, but that doesn't make it their obligation. For the record, while I learned quite a bit about life and about myself while on my own since 18, I do wish my parents had helped a little. I was accepted to an Ivy League school for my first degree, and I desperately wanted to go, but I wasn't offered any aid because of my parents' income and net worth. I'm very happy with my life, but it's one of those things where I'll always wonder what if...by the way, what happened to the OP? Did she get scared off?

Your feelings of disappointment at missing out on this particular opportunity are very, very understandable. But I can't help but wonder if their decision not to help you -even a little - was rooted in a deep confidence that you were well equipped with all the tools you needed to be a happy, successful adult. There are some people whose parents do fork over 120 grand for an ivy league education who never internalize the notion that they have to provide the lifestyle they want for themselves...they refuse to take any job that's 'beneath them'; expect their parents to provide a down payment on a house, a trust fund for each of their children, an inheritance when they die, etc.

Here you are...an independent, resourceful, hard-working, well-adjusted, articulate, gracious, and respectful daughter. I can't imagine what in the world there is for them to wish they would have done differently...

MassED, BSN, RN · Jun 22, 2008

I'm not really sure I agree with that, as I see being married as us both being in it all together. My husband works and I don't, but its "our" money, not "his". We are one unit, a married couple, and we take the good and the bad together. "His" money pays all of our bills so that I could stay home with our daughters for 3 years, and "his" money is going to cover as much as possible until I get out of nursing school, because when I make a nurse's wage, HE will reap the benefits just as much as I do.
That being said, since its technically both of our money, I cant go to him asking for $20 if he doesnt have it to give me, because I know our limitations.
As for the OP... if you are not married, I don't feel its their responsibility or your right to expect him to help you out. Are you engaged? planning to get married? Because thats the only time where I think it becomes a gray area.
More than anything, relationship is about communication, and asking us here makes me wonder if either a) you havent communicated with him enough and should be talking to him instead of us or b) you did and didn't like the answer he gave you.
just my thoughts on the subject~

You are right. As it happens, he was the main breadwinner while you toiled away at home with your child/children, which is sometimes a harder job than working 12 hours in an ER. Sometimes being at work is a nice break from the family. He, in fact, WILL reap the benefits when you begin to work as a nurse. My husband is - he can retire soon and will be able to spend time with our young boys, as I was able to spend with them. It is now his turn. If I didn't have this career, he would be out looking for another job quite quickly. It is a give and take - a balance. I'm not saying it's not hard or fair all of the time, but it all evens out eventually. :specs:

greygooseuria · Jun 22, 2008

Your feelings of disappointment at missing out on this particular opportunity are very, very understandable. But I can't help but wonder if their decision not to help you -even a little - was rooted in a deep confidence that you were well equipped with all the tools you needed to be a happy, successful adult. There are some people whose parents do fork over 120 grand for an ivy league education who never internalize the notion that they have to provide the lifestyle they want for themselves...they refuse to take any job that's 'beneath them'; expect their parents to provide a down payment on a house, a trust fund for each of their children, an inheritance when they die, etc.
Here you are...an independent, resourceful, hard-working, well-adjusted, articulate, gracious, and respectful daughter. I can't imagine what in the world there is for them to wish they would have done differently...

I know this does happen, but the vast reality is that those that go to Ivy League schools do end up incredibly successful, even those whose parents paid for them to go.

ThatPoshGirl · Jun 22, 2008

If you're living with your parents and can't qualify for financial aid ...... then it's because they are claiming you as a dependent, therefore you should be looking to THEM for financial help.

That's not true. A student must declare their parent's income until they are 25 whether or not the parents can claim them, with some exceptions (military, pregnancy, etc). That being said, OP's post makes no sense. A community college that doesn't participate the federal loan programs? That is not even possible. If the OP is going to a school that doesn't participate in federal loan programs it is not a community college and probably isn't even NLN accredited.

As for the original Q, no he has no obligation to help and really shouldn't. It's not his responsibility to take care of you. Also, where the hell is he getting $5000 a month? Is he a drug dealer? (You know you all were thinking it too.)

MassED, BSN, RN · Jun 22, 2008

Though I don't think he should be obligated to do so, if he could help you out from time to time it would be nice if he has the means to do so if you guys are that serious. Generosity is a good trait.
I have a similar situation, though I am a bit older with more responsibilities. My boyfriend has plenty of money, and I cannot really work much because of kids (not his) and school. We have been together for 3+ years and he hopes to marry me. There are times when I really struggle financially - I'll say something like "I have no gas in my car, or no money to buy groceries etc" his response is always the same "that sucks". It is not his responsibility to take care of me financially, so I make it work on my own. BUT here is where the problem lies, I know that if the roles were reversed I would gladly help him out especially if I understood he could not work because he was investing in OUR future by getting an education. It makes me wonder what he will be like if we ever do get married.

"That sucks?!!!!" Are you serious? His *ss would be gone Next time he needs something urgently :smackingf:smackingf you need to say "uh, no, guess THAT SUCKS." What a tool.:angryfire