Remaining professional with rude, disrespectful family members

[litbitblack, ASN, RN]

I had an experience today that left me so frustrated and pissed off that I had to remain professional despite the need to really go off on this family member so I'm just venting. My boss even apologized to me. My staff on my hall had to bit thier tongues to keep from saying something to this family member who just went off because thier family member didn't get what the regular meal was because he chose what he got despite the fact he has dementia. The daughter said hatefully "you will address me with yes ma'am and that is all do you understand me?" I couldn't get a word in edge wise to even explain anything and finally she talked to my DON. I am proud of myself for not doing what I wanted to- had we been elsewhere she wouldn't have been walking was how

bad it was. Anyway I really feel like she is reacting to her dads decline in his disease process but that doesn't give her the right to treat another human being that way. How have other people -including bosses having to deal with thier employees being treated that way - keep your empathy?

[caliotter3]

I don't know what to tell you in that my supervisors have always taken the side of the family member, right, wrong, or indifferent. They complain, it is my fault. They yell at me, curse me out, or throw me out of the premises (home care) it is my fault, especially when it is not​ my fault. Get tired of being thrown under the bus and the train, move on to the next employer and it starts all over again. The employer/supervisor who sticks up for their employees is well-respected, but so very, very rare.

[TheCommuter, BSN, RN]

I used to struggle in my interactions with difficult or verbally abusive families up until a few years ago. I cannot empathize with them because, when my family members or I have been sick and hospitalized, I never yelled at the staff.

I've made things easier for myself by remaining calm and refusing to engage with verbally abusive people. Here are a few phrases that have worked:

"Ma'am, this conversation is ending right now because I do not converse with people who are yelling at me." (Then walk away)

"Sir, if you insist we do not know what we're doing, you have the right to remove the resident from the facility and provide all care yourself."

"I apologize. That falls short of the service we strive to deliver. What solutions do you propose, Ma'am?"

The first phrase shuts the belligerent family member down because they know you will not stand there and take the abuse. The second phrase is mainly for the families who holler about the "stupid staff" who wants to "kill grandpa" because they "don't know what the hell they're doing."

The third phrase throws the ball in the difficult family member's court. It gets them to stop complaining and start solving.

[RN403, BSN, RN]

I have cut conversations off (professionally) and stated that I will return when said individual can converse like a respectful adult. They usually get the hint.

[imintrouble, BSN, RN]

I've never experienced the level of verbal abuse described in the OP. That's pretty awful.

I've adopted the #1 option from TheCommuter's post. I read it before on allnurses, and I now use it as the first line of defense when dealing with abusive people. It works like a charm. It's respectful and it sets boundaries.

Not doing anything when being abused is bad for the soul. Kind of dramatic, but something gets squashed and broken inside me when I just stand and take it. It takes awhile to feel normal again. I don't want to let a complete stranger have that kind of power.

[Mavrick, BSN, RN]

"Ma'am, this conversation is ending right now because I do not converse with people who are yelling at me." (Then walk away)"

I LOVE this! What would the telephone version be? Maybe finish off with "Please call back when you've calmed down."

[NurseDaCosta]

I've never had such a bad experience. I'm happy you kept your cool and showed her despite her nasty attitude you wouldn't stoop to her level.

[TheCommuter, BSN, RN]

I LOVE this! What would the telephone version be? Maybe finish off with "Please call back when you've calmed down."

My friend's telephone version is, "Talk to Tony, please."

(Read: "Tony" is the dial tone that results when she hangs up on the belligerent caller.)

[rollernurse365]

I had this experience when I worked in pediatric oncology. I had a parent single me out in the hallway with patients, families, doctors, colleagues.... just EVERYONE! She reamed me out LOUDLY. She called me names. She was plain awful. I was so pissed, embarrassed, frustrated, you name the emotion and I had it. It takes a lot to make me cry but this did it. She was pissed because I opted to treat pain with non-pharmacologic means first before giving the opioid medication. It was too early per the order to give the medication and the child just arrived on the unit. My plan was to get the child settled, do what I could to make him comfortable, and by the time I got all that done, I could get the IV opioid needed.... By the way, the child's respirations were TWELVE and shallow... That would require a reassessment before admin and a call to the doctor based on protocols... I got the charge nurse to call the doctor for me to get an order and to let them know what was happening. That mother stalked me everywhere, even to the medication room. She stood outside the door while I and another nurse went through the procedure to get the medication. This is so incredibly dangerous! I couldn't hardly get out of the medication room because she was in my way. She kept on and on while going back to the room. She got in front of me, continuing to chew me out while I had the drug she wanted IN MY HAND READY TO BE GIVEN. I politely asked her, "Do you really want me to give the medication, because I have it ready?".

This was one of the worst experiences of my nursing career. My charge nurse, supervisors, and colleagues felt horrible about the whole ordeal and all offered their support. Sadly, instead of setting some boundaries, the administration chose to smooth it over by placating the parent. I understand the delicate nature of the field. A lot of these kids are saved. This one was a poor prognosis. I get that whole heartedly! I cried for this kid at home on more than one occasion. It is truly sad though when administration does not have those tough conversations with families about inappropriate conduct.

Anyway, all this to say I am so sorry this happened to you. Hopefully you reach peace with it. We on this forum support you!

[Anna Flaxis, BSN, RN]

Anyway I really feel like she is reacting to her dads decline in his disease process but that doesn't give her the right to treat another human being that way. How have other people -including bosses having to deal with thier employees being treated that way - keep your empathy?

Try to remember that this has nothing to do with YOU personally. She would have treated anyone like that. You are the face of the institution, and a symbol of her father's decline and eventual death. Her behavior is about her poor coping, not anything to do with you as a human being or a nurse.

[Raviepoo]

I'm pretty sure I would not have treated her as well as you did. If anyone ever talked to me that way i would probably just say, "No Ma'am. I don't understand. Perhaps you can explain why you think it is appropriate to treat a professional who is trying to help your loved one like chattel?"

My evil twin is really evil. I try to keep her from breaking though.

You did a great job and your DON is awesome.

I The daughter said hatefully "you will address me with yes ma'am and that is all do you understand me?" I couldn't get a word in edge wise to even explain anything and finally she talked to my DON

[ixchel]

I've had plenty of professional experience before nursing, so thankfully I've had plenty of time to thicken my skin for disrespectful people. On the phone, the second profanity comes at me, I hang up. Immediately.

Face to face, it really just depends. If it's a tantrum, usually, I just sit and listen. When they're done, I try to be rational and get to the bottom of the situation that led to them being irate. This actually works most of the time, and the person ends up apologizing. I've only had three instances when the person wouldn't actually settle down. Two of those times, I've grabbed someone higher up than me. The person I grabbed each time backed me up, and the irate person dropped their tantrums.

The third time.... Oh, my.... I was in property management at the time. I was hugely pregnant and quite ready to flip out on this guy who was being belligerent because he thought he could pack his one-bedroom like a clown car. After explaining the law that prohibited us from allowing that, he flipped out on me. I ended up having to call the police because he wouldn't leave my office.

Now in nursing, I've only been thoroughly p'ed off by one horrible family member. After standing my ground, he was totally normal next shift. It was a sad situation, though. He kept force feeding his wife to the point of vomiting. She had just had abdominal surgery and developed an infection. Two days after the force feeding incident, she started leaking stool through her midline incision. She was a mess, and he was no help at all.

If the person is just generally an a hole, I just play "matter of fact Barbie" and get done what I need to do. Those patients have thankfully been few and far between.