Remaining professional with rude, disrespectful family members

[litbitblack]

I had an experience today that left me so frustrated and pissed off that I had to remain professional despite the need to really go off on this family member so I'm just venting. My boss even apologized to me. My staff on my hall had to bit thier tongues to keep from saying something to this family member who just went off because thier family member didn't get what the regular meal was because he chose what he got despite the fact he has dementia. The daughter said hatefully "you will address me with yes ma'am and that is all do you understand me?" I couldn't get a word in edge wise to even explain anything and finally she talked to my DON. I am proud of myself for not doing what I wanted to- had we been elsewhere she wouldn't have been walking was how

bad it was. Anyway I really feel like she is reacting to her dads decline in his disease process but that doesn't give her the right to treat another human being that way. How have other people -including bosses having to deal with thier employees being treated that way - keep your empathy?

[SummerGarden, BSN, MSN, RN]

My friend's telephone version is, "Talk to Tony, please."

(Read: "Tony" is the dial tone that results when she hangs up on the belligerent caller.)

LOL!!! This reminds me of a time I worked as a bedside ED nurse. I was working with a passive aggressive patient who never complained no matter what you asked her... She would spend a lot of time being quiet and refusing things like food, water, whatever... After being in the ED all day for her workup before she was either admitted or discharged.... her son called and he was a monster! Not only was he an angry nut job, but he called the ED to YELL at the bedside nurses because his mother told him that we did not feed her, give her water, etc. (never mind the dozens of times we offered)!!!!

Well, I was going off shift and I tried to accommodate him and explain the situation in a professional manner about his mother, when the on-coming nurse heard how the conversation was going, grabbed the phone out of my hands, and HUNG UP!!! She did not even bother try to speak to him, she just asked for report! And when he tried to call back two minutes later via the ED UA, the ED UA transferred the call to us, and the same nurse picked up the receiver slightly and hung it up quickly without even blinking! After I saw that the world does not end when you set boundaries (professionally or otherwise), I stopped taking abuse from patients or family members via the telephone or in-person!

[tining, BSN, RN]

I had a parent curse at me in Spanish, I wasn't even the nurse, just happened to be neaby - well 'Father of the Year" - other races do understand and speak Spanish. I told him immediately - "I will not be spoken to like that." Father of the Year's eyes bulged wide open. I immediately went to the nurse manager and she called patient relations who told him under no circumstances will he talk to our staff like that. This is the father that requested a big screen TV from make a wish for his dying son. The son got a ride in battery car instead.

[OrganizedChaos, LVN]

When I was a new nurse I worked PDN & was taking care of a little boy. I was simply telling the boy "No" not yelling, just a firm no. Well his mother didn't like that, at all. She came barging in his room & starting yelling at me in Spanish. I had no idea what was going on. After the whole ordeal her daughter came in & explained why she was so mad.

I ended up calling the company & said it wasn't gonna work out.

Oh the kicker, years later I went back with a different company. She asked if I had ever been there before. I lied & said no. Thankfully she believed me & nothing major happened.

[softrbreeze]

I have found that staying calm and refusing to rise to the bait works well. In fact, I have come to enjoy watching them get even MORE upset because they are not getting their expected reaction. One guy got so upset when I broached the necessary topic of DNR status with his mother that he threw me out of the house. I had a student shadowing me that day and we left per his request (after several attempts to calm him and explain why the subject was necessary, explaining to him that she would be a full code by default if she did not agree to a DNR. He refused to calm and kept getting more and more irate). That was our last visit for the day and we paused a moment to wrap things up. I guess we didn't skidaddle as fast as he wanted- he came down the driveway to give us even more hell. I came to the conclusion after thinking about it for a while that he must be a misogynist. Most people calm down when you speak calmly and rationally- if for no other reason than they don't want to appear idiotic. This guy kept escalating things when he didn't successfully upset me. That tells me he was trying to cow me. I seriously doubt he would have behaved that way were I a male RN. My point: Everyone has their own set of mental issues which don't necessarily have anything to do with you. Just do what you know is right and make the most of events when they don't work out as intended.

[MSNce1]

Client (in this case via a family rep) abuse is never acceptable. The fact remains such volatile reaction not only affects those personally involved but others around them. Holding your ground by remaining calm and professional is a testament to your awareness of this fact. I have been verbally abused by not only those I am directly caring for but add line staff such as doctors, other nurses,

supervisors and nurse aids. Ironically, our humanity often gets in the way of our functioning though victimization venting is perspective dependent so usually ineffective. Like others in their responses, to you dear heart, I believe from all perspectives there is usually a lack of understanding and frustration plus a sense of inadequacy involved (regulated by emotion). A position of service will always run the risk of such maladaptation. I am sure you have thought about how this may have been avoided or at least modified such as communication to family about client's choices. I understand your

advocating for client choice as those with dementia go in and out of awareness and providing dignity through choice is something I would have done as well. It is challenging to deal with family members

who want to 'run the show' yet are not there caring for their loved one 24/7. Awareness of all these factors I hope will aide you in future family or staff confrontations despite your prudent care.

[CapeCodMermaid, RN]

I calmly tell families or patients, "I cannot listen whilst being yelled at." Most of them look puzzled at the word 'whilst' but it shuts them up. Do not yell at me or my staff. We do the best we can and your family member is one of the 20-25 the nurses need to take care of. I had one woman scream at me because I didn't drop what I was doing to get her mother a drink of water. I told her I was on the phone with 911 because someone was having a heart attack....she really said "I don't care...MY mother wants a drink of water." I threw a cup in her direction and said "The faucet is over there...get it yourself." When she regained the power to speak, she demanded to speak to the DON....I stuck my hand out and said, "Nice to meet you. Now remove yourself from the nurses' station so the stretcher can get by." That was the last time we had any trouble with her. I've also suggested to family members who constantly complain that I'd be happy to suggest another facility for their loved one. In the 30+ years I've been doing this, not one of them has ever taken me up on my offer.

[litbitblack, ASN, RN]

Thank you for all the supportive words and suggestions. I will definitely remember the responses posted in case there is a next time. We are a private pay facility so despite the fact my don supports me doesn't mean the higher administration would if I was to respond the way I wanted to after I was over the shock of it all. Thankfully I had two coworkers who went to my don and expressed how professional I was during the yelling episode. Two days later the wife came in and " well I understand there was a problem in getting him something to eat that he wanted in the past it has never been a problem they just call" evidently the daughter made it out to seem like getting him something else to eat was a big issue which it really wasn't she just made it more difficult. So I will be there to nurse another day and try to remember professionalism 😃 even in the most difficult circumstances

[caringnursey]

I skipped through after reading just a few but do have a comment. We (my sisters, brother and I) are going through an awful time with our dad. He is in a rehab for the 3rd time, re-hospitalized twice. I can tell you now--there are reasons family members get frustrated with staff. Nothing gets passed on. Their report is "no complaints"....ect My brother made signs with hints (putting his hearing aide in) and other important info....because nothing is ever done right. Staff shows their frustration with being told this stuff nightly but why can't they do it right. As a nurse I know they're busy-but come on, do it right and no one will put the light on.

[Forever Sunshine, ASN, RN]

I'm sorry you had to go through this. But remember most of us have been in your shoes. Most likely, the family member who is yelling at you.. is not mad at you. They are mad at themselves, their relationship with their relative, the circumstances etc. It is not your fault and try not to take it personally. The first time a family member ripped me a new one, even after giving her honest and compassionate information about her moms care, I was in tears(I didn't let her see that though).

I had an instance a few months ago that still sticks to me like glue, this one family member was so demanding.. no matter what anyone said or did .. she wasn't happy. I feel I handled the situation well and was complimented and thanked by administration at the end of the day.

One of the best assets you can have as a nurse is learning to deal with people who aren't happy, and know that.. you can't make everyone happy.

[StarletRN1]

Usually when I'm quiet and calm it shuts them down real quick. If you're not taking the bait there's usually nothing else they can do. I have been reported to a manager before. Not because I said anything but supposedly gave lousy care. My boss just took it with a grain of salt and she came to me to ask what happened. She took my side because she was a bedside nurse for years and had put up with the same kind of thing. It helps when you have management who have been there and done that.