i've always wondered why when there's a "communication difficulty," the person who says what they mean and means what they say is usually the one blamed for it. when someone bursts into tears at work, why are they always "the victim" and the person who was trying to tell them something they didn't like, couldn't understand or disagreed with was "the big old meanie who made them cry"?
we have a wonderful charge nurse -- always helpful, knowlegeable, well-organized. she's a great resource and i really enjoy working with her. her only flaw, if it can be called a flaw, is that she has a very direct style of communication. i overheard a series of exchanges where she was trying to convince a relatively new nurse that she needed to get up to speed with her assessments and nursing care and keep her documentation up to date. i was working next to this nurse, and picking up a lot of her slack. she wasn't keeping up -- and we weren't busy. hortense (not her name, but one you'll likely remember!) kept asking her if she needed help and what we could do to help her get her patient ready to transfer at 1100. myrtle (also not her name) kept saying she was doing fine, everything was ok, etc. yet 1100 came, and her patient still needed a bath, lines pulled, dressings changed and her charting done. myrtle had spent her morning rushing about doing stuff, but not really getting anything done. hortense and i stepped up and got the patient ready and transferred by 1200, the room cleaned and set up by 1245 because we had a new patient coming out of the or at 1300. myrtle continued to ineffectually flit around, but didn't get anything done.
finally, when myrtle complained about taking the new admission because she hadn't had lunch yet, hortense calmly but clearly explained to her that had she been able to transfer her patient by the allotted time, she'd have had an hour for lunch plus another half hour to relieve me for lunch and as it was none of the three of us had had lunch. she wasn't mean about it, just clear and factual. myrtle burst into tears and ran to the manager, complaining that hortense was being "mean to her." hortense and i both explained the situation to the manager, but the upshot is that hortense is being counseled about her "communication skills". i think myrtle ought to be going to the communications class with her. if hortense was too direct, myrtle obviously wasn't direct enough because she clearly wasn't "getting" what hortense and i had been trying to tell her all morning.
so when one staff member bursts into tears at work, why is the fault always seen to be the person who "made them cry." why don't we blame the person who bursts into tears at work? if they were capable of communicating directly and factually and understanding direct communication, they might not need to be talked to several times before the point gets across and perhaps emotions wouldn't be so high for everyone.
Don't be sorry for me. Be sorry for people who never struggle. They miss out on the best part of life. When you struggle and overcome that is when life is really sweet.
I like the easier softer way myself. Unfortunately, or fortunately as you point out, that hasn't been my story, even though we were not poor.
I am an "older" new nurse.I have a MAJOR case of insecurity. Been in a new job for 5 days.Yesterday,3 nurses call out and the charge hands me the reins and says GOOD LUCK! I wanted to cry ,scream and run right out the front door.Instead I just smiled and prayed and got to work.I got my butt handed to me! I had 35 patients, all on a day when the families crawling all over me.Never sat down or ate or went to the bathroom.All the while trying not to freak out because my mind would blank out.So when I was unsure ,I grabbed a pharm or procedure manual( the other nurses where too busy to ask for help).At the end of the shift when the charge asked how it went, before I could answer,he "directly" told me I needed to work on my time management! So I stood there and looked him in the eye,and Iwanted to burst into tears,instead I found myself laughing and shook my head and said......Yeah, your right.I work on that,thanks"
I wanted him to pat me on the head and tell me how great I was,but I know that standing next to all the nurses I work with, I know so little.School taught me all the text book versions but nothing compares to or prepares you for the actual process.
I just wonder how long before I feel like I know what I am doing?
I think criticism is only effective if it is accompanied by how something should be done. Saying somebody needs to improve their time management skills won't do anything except make them insecure. Show them how. You can tell Myrtle that you see that she is struggling organizing her care. Its a good idea to show a little empathy too and say how you remember how hard it was when you were new. Then go over her patient load and what tasks she accomplished before her discharge and see if you can identify ways she could've prioritized her care better. I always try and say this is what I would do. You have to remember that everything is new and takes much longer to do because of shear inexperience. Just administrating meds can be challenging - generic vs brand etc. I remember being slow, terrified of making a mistake, trying to have that fake it til you make it confidence they pushed on me in nursing school, don't you? Luckily for me, all my coworkers were very kind and had mentored me as a CNA before, during and after school. Still it isn't hard for me to imagine being that insecure. I'm sure it needed to be said to Myrtle that she needed improvement. I'm not so sure it was said as well as it could've been. I'm also sure that Myrtle did not handle it well herself. Oh well. Live and learn!
I"m in my twenties. I'm no longer a "new" nurse (though at times I feel very inexperienced.) I'm also a crier.
I have always been a crier, any time my emotions - either joyous or grievous - are stirred, I cry. Some people tell me that I leak tears more than I actually cry, but it's still crying.
I know that when I'm having a busy day, one of those god-awful, no bathroom break days when everything is falling behind and I just can't catch up, having someone nagging at me to get my assessments done and to get caught up does *NOT* help. On days when I'm drowning, having someone come by and generically ask me, "Oh do you need help?" does *NOT* help, because at that point, I'm too busy and behind and frazzled to stop and consider what it is I need help with. I know that on days when I'm so busy and behind that I don't get to eat lunch, the last thing I need is someone bluntly telling me that me being behind is to blame for no one getting lunch (and telling me in front of a co-worker, too!). That would be enough to send me over the edge and make me start crying, too. And I know that when I was new, this same situation happened to me, probably several times.
Is that reasonable, professional behavior? No. But when you take someone who is new and insecure in their job, put them in stressful, busy assignment with someone nagging at them all day to hurry up, and then add in the lecture at the end, is it understandable? I think so.
I don't really think it was wrong for this nurse to go to her manager. And no one really knows what she said to the manager. She could have said, "why am I having such a problem? Am I the only one who finds this charge nurse offensive? What can I do differently to keep this from happening again?" Perhaps the nurse manager has heard this complaint about Hortense multiple times, which is what prompted her to counsel Hortense about her communication style. No one knows, really.
You can be blunt without being rude. You can also choose the right time and place to be blunt and to present criticism. Confronting someone about their poor time management when they are hungry, stressed out, and in front of another co-worker is obviously a bad time and will most likely not be taken well.
And perhaps the manager did make some communication and time management suggestions to Myrtle ... perhaps Myrtle just wasn't as vocal about her counseling as Hortense was.
I really liked the post by Tweety about planning for the future. At the moment, my spouse and I are supporting a parent that did no planning and "lived for the moment", their whole lives. It is very stressful. So, we are trying to do better but we could still use some improvement. Anyways, Tweety's point of someone paying the price is so true.
Susan9680 - I appreciate your description of how offers of help and direct feedback can sometimes provoke unexpected negative responses. If I'm new and behind, I'm like you and can't just list off a few things someone could hep me with. And hearing that I need to work faster isn't particularly helpful if I already know that but still can't seem to get it all done. And when I'd ask for more specific advice about how to be faster, the answer was generally "manage your time better" uh, yeah, but how?!
I don't know what the specific situation was. Maybe Myrtle doesn't take her responsibilities seriously and just cries and calls someone a meanie to take the pressure off her. I just know that I might have reacted in a similar manner and I do take my responsibilities seriously. I do tend to cry easily but it would be tears of frustration... I'm doing my best, I don't know how to do it any better and I'm afraid I'll never get it.
I do tend to cry easily but it would be tears of frustration... I'm doing my best, I don't know how to do it any better and I'm afraid I'll never get it.
Amen. After 5 years of experience, I still feel like I'll never get it on some days.
Judging by this conversation, it appears to me that Myrtle is a new and unorganized nurse who was falling behind and stressed. Myrtle was looking forward to her break due to her stress and was spoken to sternly and consequently the flood gates opened. Myrtle should have spoke to Hortence 1st before storming off and resolved the situation. Hortence needs to be more understanding to the new nurses's position. That's my take.
Thank you! Why are people surprised or irritated that new nurses are slow? Don't you want them to be slow, rather than speedy but make serious mistakes? Try to think back when you first learned something - were you instantly efficient? Have some patience. Geez.
As for "why aren't the crybabies blamed?" or whatever - why should ANYONE be blamed? Just get both sides of the story and then develop a solution. Done.
If the charge nurse said this comment in front of other coworkers, then yes - she needs to work on communication skills and professionalism. Then the new nurse needs to be helped with developing prioritization and organizational skills - and this often comes in time.
I imagine the new nurse said she could get everything done by 1100 because she was too afraid to admit that she was struggling. Why was she afraid? Because she can sense that the other more experienced nurses see her as a burden - and then complain about her behind her back. Working in this type of environment - where you're viewed as a "problem" will make anyone emotional.
Tweety, BSN, RN
36,286 Posts
I like the easier softer way myself. Unfortunately, or fortunately as you point out, that hasn't been my story, even though we were not poor.