"The Victim" and the "Big Ole Meanie who Made Her Cry"

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Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.

i've always wondered why when there's a "communication difficulty," the person who says what they mean and means what they say is usually the one blamed for it. when someone bursts into tears at work, why are they always "the victim" and the person who was trying to tell them something they didn't like, couldn't understand or disagreed with was "the big old meanie who made them cry"?

we have a wonderful charge nurse -- always helpful, knowlegeable, well-organized. she's a great resource and i really enjoy working with her. her only flaw, if it can be called a flaw, is that she has a very direct style of communication. i overheard a series of exchanges where she was trying to convince a relatively new nurse that she needed to get up to speed with her assessments and nursing care and keep her documentation up to date. i was working next to this nurse, and picking up a lot of her slack. she wasn't keeping up -- and we weren't busy. hortense (not her name, but one you'll likely remember!) kept asking her if she needed help and what we could do to help her get her patient ready to transfer at 1100. myrtle (also not her name) kept saying she was doing fine, everything was ok, etc. yet 1100 came, and her patient still needed a bath, lines pulled, dressings changed and her charting done. myrtle had spent her morning rushing about doing stuff, but not really getting anything done. hortense and i stepped up and got the patient ready and transferred by 1200, the room cleaned and set up by 1245 because we had a new patient coming out of the or at 1300. myrtle continued to ineffectually flit around, but didn't get anything done.

finally, when myrtle complained about taking the new admission because she hadn't had lunch yet, hortense calmly but clearly explained to her that had she been able to transfer her patient by the allotted time, she'd have had an hour for lunch plus another half hour to relieve me for lunch and as it was none of the three of us had had lunch. she wasn't mean about it, just clear and factual. myrtle burst into tears and ran to the manager, complaining that hortense was being "mean to her." hortense and i both explained the situation to the manager, but the upshot is that hortense is being counseled about her "communication skills". i think myrtle ought to be going to the communications class with her. if hortense was too direct, myrtle obviously wasn't direct enough because she clearly wasn't "getting" what hortense and i had been trying to tell her all morning.

so when one staff member bursts into tears at work, why is the fault always seen to be the person who "made them cry." why don't we blame the person who bursts into tears at work? if they were capable of communicating directly and factually and understanding direct communication, they might not need to be talked to several times before the point gets across and perhaps emotions wouldn't be so high for everyone.

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Specializes in 5 yrs OR, ASU Pre-Op 2 yr. ER.

Good question. I think of that everytime i read yet another post title "why do nurses eat their young."

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Agreeing with Marie as she agrees with the OP!

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It always amazes me that in a situation like this where a person who can't seem to get their work done on time always has the time to go and tell their side of the story first.

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I'd much rather deal with someone who's direct with their communication than one who takes the scenic route to get their point across. I agree with you that Myrtle should be included in communications class, since she seems to have issues receiving communication from others. Your manager should understand that communication involves more than one person, and in order to effectively communicate with others one also needs to be receptive. Your manager should also send Myrtle to some organizational classes and also impress upon her how her disorganization and lack of prioritization can affect others.

Right or wrong, when Myrtle turned on the tears it no doubt gave the impression that Hortense must have, at the very least, came across too sternly. Some people are really good at coming across as the "innocent victim." Myrtle clearly has some passive-aggressive tendancies. Unfortunately when this type of behavior is not dealt with properly, it makes it even harder to communicate and work with the "innocent victim," and creates a negative impact on the whole work environment.

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Specializes in Public Health, DEI.
i've always wondered why when there's a "communication difficulty," the person who says what they mean and means what they say is usually the one blamed for it. when someone bursts into tears at work, why are they always "the victim" and the person who was trying to tell them something they didn't like, couldn't understand or disagreed with was "the big old meanie who made them cry"?

we have a wonderful charge nurse -- always helpful, knowlegeable, well-organized. she's a great resource and i really enjoy working with her. her only flaw, if it can be called a flaw, is that she has a very direct style of communication. i overheard a series of exchanges where she was trying to convince a relatively new nurse that she needed to get up to speed with her assessments and nursing care and keep her documentation up to date. i was working next to this nurse, and picking up a lot of her slack. she wasn't keeping up -- and we weren't busy. hortense (not her name, but one you'll likely remember!) kept asking her if she needed help and what we could do to help her get her patient ready to transfer at 1100. myrtle (also not her name) kept saying she was doing fine, everything was ok, etc. yet 1100 came, and her patient still needed a bath, lines pulled, dressings changed and her charting done. myrtle had spent her morning rushing about doing stuff, but not really getting anything done. hortense and i stepped up and got the patient ready and transferred by 1200, the room cleaned and set up by 1245 because we had a new patient coming out of the or at 1300. myrtle continued to ineffectually flit around, but didn't get anything done.

finally, when myrtle complained about taking the new admission because she hadn't had lunch yet, hortense calmly but clearly explained to her that had she been able to transfer her patient by the allotted time, she'd have had an hour for lunch plus another half hour to relieve me for lunch and as it was none of the three of us had had lunch. she wasn't mean about it, just clear and factual. myrtle burst into tears and ran to the manager, complaining that hortense was being "mean to her." hortense and i both explained the situation to the manager, but the upshot is that hortense is being counseled about her "communication skills". i think myrtle ought to be going to the communications class with her. if hortense was too direct, myrtle obviously wasn't direct enough because she clearly wasn't "getting" what hortense and i had been trying to tell her all morning.

so when one staff member bursts into tears at work, why is the fault always seen to be the person who "made them cry." why don't we blame the person who bursts into tears at work? if they were capable of communicating directly and factually and understanding direct communication, they might not need to be talked to several times before the point gets across and perhaps emotions wouldn't be so high for everyone.

that same thing happens where i work. the cry babies always get the sympathy and the professional who behaves according- keeping a civil tone but actually addressing problems- is a troublemaker who can't get along with people. never mind that if these problems don't get addressed, it will be the person with the civil tone who is blamed and asked why ''she'' can't get these things done!

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Specializes in Acute Care Psych, DNP Student.

I think it's the manipulative power of tears. Too bad so many people fall for it.

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Specializes in Trauma, Teaching.
I think it's the manipulative power of tears. Too bad so many people fall for it.

:o :o :o it is not! sniff sniff! you just don't understand! look how much more work I have than you do! You shouldn't treat me like that! I'm gonna tell MOM! oh, wait, I'm at work.... I'm gonna tell the boss! :saint: see my halo? :o wahhh!

Makes ya just wanta spank 'em, like Mom shoulda done.

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Specializes in Geriatrics, MS, ICU.

I see this occuring all of the time with new nurses. These nurses are not always completely new either...I have seen nurses come from another aspect of nursing and are just not up to speed with trauma and ICU. They know what to do, but do it slowly. Traditionally there are a lot of people who have a hard time separating professional from personnal....So, their feelings get hurt. Our charge nurses are fountains of information and not one of them is a bad person...Unfortunately some of the new nurses get very flustered when they are told "I need 2 of morphine and 2 of versed now"...I have seen them just stand there and stare at us...I have also heard them say.."You want that Now?"...YES!!!! Next thing you know there are tears and complaints. There was not intention of being mean...Just thinking of the patient...

ICU = I-N-T-E-N-S-I-V-E Care Unit

All bets are off and personalities need to be left at the door. Learn from what you see don't get upset about the intensity of the actions.

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Specializes in OB/peds (after gen surgery for 3 yrs).
It always amazes me that in a situation like this where a person who can't seem to get their work done on time always has the time to go and tell their side of the story first.

I work in a preschool, with 1200 kids and the nurses who have left have been these....they can't get it done and then they come to me and complain about how no one helps. The assignments have ALWAYS been fair, I have a VERY open door and if you ask one of my former nurses if they needed help when they appeared to need help, they would also say "no, I'm fine". Then they cry later. I can only expect that this happens in all kinds of jobs, not just nursing.

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Specializes in Specializes in L/D, newborn, GYN, LTC, Dialysis.

Anytime (and it's been rare) I felt the need to cry, I saved it for when I could be alone. Other than that, I coped. I wish others would do the same. Being geniune is one thing, manipulative, I do not respect nor will respond to except to be more firm.

We all have bad days. Some of us cope by crying, others punching pillows or working out. But there IS a time and place!

I agree with those who say this is a situation of manipulation.

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This one caught my attention. I am one of those "direct" communicators I've been told. I say what I have to say, most often in a calm and clear manner and I've been called "difficult". The sqeaky wheel always gets the WD40. We have a nurse who loves to prechart. She precharted meds that I was going to give the patient. I object to precharting to begin with let alone if you're not the one giving/doing the action, but the topper was that she charted the wrong milligram. I went to a fellow nurse and asked her if she would talk to the person about it, as I'm always being told I'm to direct. Low and behold I still got nailed for it. My friend, as direct as I am if not more so, told her that she can't prechart anymore and somehow I ended up blamed for it. I can't be anyone other than I am, but I do try to watch those for cry or blame and keep my 2 cents to myself (unless it was harmful to the patient of course). I'd much rather be proud of my nursing ability than be soft spoken and a poor nurse. I have learned as they say to pick and choose my battles. One person can say something and it's okay, but if I do it can be percieved as "complaining". Go figure. I do the best I can, I know one thing, my patients like me, thank me for my care and actually request my services so I'm doing just fine.

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