"Dear Nurses: Please Forgive Me" : A Response

[RNdynamic]

This thread is not directed at any person in particular; it assumes the subject of the OP is a fictitious character. This is the response to the thread linked below, from a couple years ago which some of you may remember. It written from the opposite perspective -- the perspective of the innocent caregiver being abused by the example below.

https://allnurses.com/general-nursing-discussion/dear-nurses-please-789883.html

Dear adult child of dying patient,

You are not forgiven.

You say you know he's dying. You say you get it. You acknowledge that in spite of his inability to overcome his illness, and after all the attention and treatments he was given by his dutiful caregivers, he significantly exceeded all expectations you had of his remaining lifespan by three years. For reasons you don't know or fully understand, you have elected to be socially abusive and all but criminally assault the people trying to help him live. You have chosen to impact the lives of complete strangers in very hurtful, damaging ways.

You say you see the changes in his activity level and respiratory pattern, and you say you know exactly what those changes mean. You reinforce, over and over again, that you see it, and you know, and in in spite of you admitting that fact, over and over and over again, you continue to be rude, abusive, and cruel toward nurses, who to you are strangers struggling with their own lives, their own careers, their own families, their own finances, and perhaps their own dying parents. How dare you ask for forgiveness. You have no idea how much hurt you have caused.

You say your dysfunctional ways (your words) need to be understood; that you prefer to glare instead of cry, prefer to be a control freak instead of being helpless. What understanding do you think you deserve? Why should you be catered to? You have selfishly managed to make your father's dying process all about you, your needs, and your own inner turmoil and seething. You are extremely self-absorbed, and people like you are toxic. You have demanded that resources designed to make your father either healthier or more comfortable be diverted to placating your sick thinking. Interesting that you mention that you are guilt and fear laden. Could that be you don't love him and never have? You go on to mention that you were once laden with sociopathic tendencies. It shows.

It shows.

Forgive you please, your many sins? Get out of nursing. Get out of healthcare. Get out of this world.

(thoughts?)

[Susie2310]

Don't write an "article" if you're afraid of a response. That goes for both OP and the article that OP responded to.

Why is it ok for one article writer to express their feelings but not another?

Anyone can express anything they want, but when one is callous and insensitive one shouldn't be surprised when one receives a backlash.

[RNdynamic]

Don't write an "article" if you're afraid of a response. That goes for both OP and the article that OP responded to.

Why is it ok for one article writer to express their feelings but not another?

Not afraid of the response, and I welcome all replies. I am trying to assuage the feelings of the ones who said their feelings are hurt, by reminding them that my note is a work of creative writing. It is not addressed to any specific nurse on this forum. Many works of art are controversial, and I accept that this may not make all viewers feel better. Often a work of art is seen as an extension of the thoughts and beliefs of its creator. Whether or not that is true in this case, I will leave for readers to interpret.

[Emergent, RN]

As someone who has cared for the dying and has lost a husband to cancer in a hospital setting, plus my mother's brain aneurysm rupture and eventual demise, I tend to err on the side of forgiveness and allowance for families watching a loved one die.

I was not confrontational with staff during my husband's ordeal, but I regret, to this day, not being more assertive about some things. We are professionals. We aren't members of the affected family, which like every family has a lot of emotional baggage and dysfunction. We are there to support the family the best we can, even if they are rude to us. We should never take it personally because we are professionals in that setting.

[Ruas61, BSN, RN]

Try to see the fictitious letter of my OP as a reply from a staff nurse whose emotions are equally amped up as a result of abuse, if it helps you to cope. You're really missing the point of the thread. The voice of the reply I wrote belongs to a fictional nurse who just read the letter (addressed to no one real) that I linked in my OP. It is me emulating the voice of a nurse reading what the originator of that article wrote.

I repeat: this is a work of creative writing.

I cope just fine, thank you.

You can author away but you put it out for discussion.

Frankly, I find the whole premise of this article pandering.

That's my take.

Carry on!

[traumaRUs, MSN, APRN]

We are currently dealing with my 2 y/o granddaughter having a stroke, brain surgery, etc.. We as a family have been rocked. We have never acted out of sorts, have always been extremely gracious and thankful. She has gotten superb care at a hospital where I used to work and am credentialed. We always behave appropriately, ask well thought out questions, are not intrusive and since I know several of the nurses and physicians that are caring for her, I know we as a family, we are considered "good."

I do feel there is a difference in the loss of a child over the loss of someone 80 years and I'm trying to be sensitive.

With either case, no matter the age of the pt, the families have an obligation to behave.

[Meriwhen, ASN, BSN, MSN, RN]

And the article to which this thread replies too, depicts, in my carefully considered opinion, a crazed person who freely admits to having sociopathic tendencies and will (quote) raise holy hell with dietary staff (read: other human beings, and complete strangers who have done nothing wrong) to get red colored jell O because they can't control anything.

That Jello line reminded me of the last time my father was in the hospital. My mother's response to stress has always been for her to assume control of things. Usually, this works because she can fix--or at least control--the problem. But with my father's cardiac issues, this was one thing that she could not take control of. So she rode herd on the nurses and medical staff...and rode them HARD. Seriously, staff would scatter when they saw her. She managed to get the attentions of the medical directors of departments at NYU Medical Center. They know her name and know it well. And still do.

Then she started trying to assert control of everything outside of the hospital: home, friends, her own job, wherever. Friends started stepping away from her. I had to call her on it when one night, she started ordering me to make myself coffee.

And I explained why she was acting this way--she felt out of control, and she was trying to grab control of anything she could so she could feel on an even keel and feel like she had some say in my dad's situation...even if that was the unrelated act of ordering her 30-something child to make themselves a cup of coffee that they weren't particularly interested in drinking at the time.

(for the record, I made and drank said cup of coffee. I didn't get to sleep until 3am that night...thank God in NYC there is plenty to do after midnight).

She acknowledged the truth in what I was saying. She knew it was a control issue and a coping mechanism. Did that change her behavior at the hospital? Absolutely not.

I can understand why my mom behaved as she did, and I was very sympathetic to her feelings and how she was coping. At the same time, I felt very sorry for the medical staff that had to put up with her. Some were saints. Some, not so much. But sainthood is not a requirement for the job of nursing, and people can only take so much stress and abuse from others. We are human, after all.

[Cream and sugar LPN]

I'm just curious why you didn't create a fictitious story about a fictitious family member to prove your point.

It's hardly hypothetical or fictitious when you attach it to a REAL thread that was written from the heart by someone who was in REAL pain.

Shame on you.

If your trying to prove a point then write something original. I've read some heartless comments on this board. But this one takes the cake. To use someone else's personal pain as the basis to write your article and then claim they shouldn't take offense is just cruel and beyond inappropriate.

I just hope she doesn't see it...

[Cream and sugar LPN]

And then for you to continue to defend it! Over and over again! And quoting her post- what is wrong with you?

[AmyRN303, BSN, RN]

In the words of Katie Duke, OP, Get over it. I suggest that because it isn't about us. Sure, I've seen some over the brink family members before, and I'd guess we all have at some point. But a day in our work life may be the last of their loved one's life. And that is where the perspective lies. Every job brings with it challenges, whether that be patients, customers, students, etc. but our challenge ("difficult" family member or patient....we're not talking abuse, but a bit of micromanaging, and understandably so) pales in comparison to losing a loved one. I find your fictionalization in poor taste.

[SeattleJess]

Thank you...It's been almost 5 years. Threre are days I miss him so much. My daughter just graduated high school...my niece just got married. He would have been so proud. I would call and talk to him and my Mom everyday when I moved away. They flew out every 3 months to be with us. I miss his guidance I miss his sense of humor. I miss having a beer with him. I just miss him.... We all do.

Esme12, I'm also sorry for your loss. My beloved father died a year ago. Although I was numb with grief, I was surprised to notice that I could feel a stab through the heart when people asked how old he was and then said dismissively, "Oh, he had a good long life." I think we can all go a little crazy with the loss from a death and I hope my experience makes it easier for me to forgive when people have ugly manifestations of grief and pain. I know it's not easy and I'll probably fall short of my ideal. Still, when that happens, I hope I remember the shortcoming is mine.

Your comments about this subject are, in my opinion, spot on.

The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not "get over" the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but, you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to."

~ Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and John Kessler

[mrsboots87]

I haven't read all the response yet but I can't believe you OP. You are certainly right that some peopke should not be in this profession and you are closer to that type of person than the OP of the other article. We are taught that the family of the patient is just as important as the patient themself. You have to do your best to care for the family so that they aren't bombarding you while you care for the patient. When I read that article, I did not see anywhere that the op was all but criminally assualting the staff like you assume. I read a family member (who so happened to be an exoerienced RN) who was heartbroken that her father was passing and couldn't control a thing except how he was cared for in the end. All people react differently to illness and dying. It is not the patient or families job to be understanding of YOUR feelings. It is YOUR JOB to be weary of theirs and holistically care for the patient while comforting the family to the best of yiur abiluty. The attitude and tone you just displayed makes me wish to jever be your patient. You "ficticious letter" was overboard, rude, uncalled for, and gives off the vibe that you will be one of the providers in the horror story of how esmes dad was treated in his last days. Get over yourself. Yes, nurses have feelings too, but you get paud to check them at the sliding doors and pick them back up when your sign off at the end of shift. I pray when you finally lose a beloved family member that you don't get a nurse with the attitude you are having. How dare you turn that poor woman's story iinto and attack. Its disgusting. Yes, some peopke are outright nasty to health professionals and you want to mentally stab, but it is your job to suck it up and treat them. You don't know their backstory. They may be acting poorly because the last time their family member was treated at your hospital the service was crap and people were rude. It is your job to help them learn to trust you and change their perspective. Or they could just be nasty people, but you should still treat them lime evrry other patient or family member because again, that is part of the job that you signed up for. Dont like it, then find a new career. Esme is angry and so am I. You disgust me.

[mrsboots87]

The idea of this thread is a sort of hypothetical reply from a fictitious staff nurse to the "worst nightmare" depiction of the generic hell-raising family member causing immense grief to innocent employees and asking to be excused for highly irrational and hurtful behavior. You're yelling at me, when I'm utilizing a narrative voice of a nurse that doesn't actually exist. In literature, the "opposing response" is an intellectual reimagining of a situation, heard from the other side.

It is not meant at any nurse in particular. It is an intellectual reply to an author who published what we are calling an article on this website, utilizing a similar theme. It is not meant to be taken personally, certainly no more than the original article is supposed to be.

If your intent was purely 'ficticious' you wouldn't have directly quoted them. You also state that this is the reply to the "worst nightmare" depiction, which given the context you provided, implies that the other OP was the worst nightmare and you were directly criticizing them. If that was not your intent then you did a very poor job of conveying that message. There was no need to take everything they wrote about and assume the worst, then right a disgusting letter back to them. I hope they don't ever see it and see what nasty thought you have about their experience.