"Dear Nurses: Please Forgive Me" : A Response

[RNdynamic]

This thread is not directed at any person in particular; it assumes the subject of the OP is a fictitious character. This is the response to the thread linked below, from a couple years ago which some of you may remember. It written from the opposite perspective -- the perspective of the innocent caregiver being abused by the example below.

https://allnurses.com/general-nursing-discussion/dear-nurses-please-789883.html

Dear adult child of dying patient,

You are not forgiven.

You say you know he's dying. You say you get it. You acknowledge that in spite of his inability to overcome his illness, and after all the attention and treatments he was given by his dutiful caregivers, he significantly exceeded all expectations you had of his remaining lifespan by three years. For reasons you don't know or fully understand, you have elected to be socially abusive and all but criminally assault the people trying to help him live. You have chosen to impact the lives of complete strangers in very hurtful, damaging ways.

You say you see the changes in his activity level and respiratory pattern, and you say you know exactly what those changes mean. You reinforce, over and over again, that you see it, and you know, and in in spite of you admitting that fact, over and over and over again, you continue to be rude, abusive, and cruel toward nurses, who to you are strangers struggling with their own lives, their own careers, their own families, their own finances, and perhaps their own dying parents. How dare you ask for forgiveness. You have no idea how much hurt you have caused.

You say your dysfunctional ways (your words) need to be understood; that you prefer to glare instead of cry, prefer to be a control freak instead of being helpless. What understanding do you think you deserve? Why should you be catered to? You have selfishly managed to make your father's dying process all about you, your needs, and your own inner turmoil and seething. You are extremely self-absorbed, and people like you are toxic. You have demanded that resources designed to make your father either healthier or more comfortable be diverted to placating your sick thinking. Interesting that you mention that you are guilt and fear laden. Could that be you don't love him and never have? You go on to mention that you were once laden with sociopathic tendencies. It shows.

It shows.

Forgive you please, your many sins? Get out of nursing. Get out of healthcare. Get out of this world.

(thoughts?)

[Ruby Vee, BSN]

I'm a nurse; I've been a patient. With five surgeries, radiation therapy and several hospital stays in the past two years, I know what it's like to be a patient. I've been the daughter of a patient, the wife of a patient and the best friend of a patient as well. So please don't tell me that I "don't understand what it's like" or "don't know where the family is coming from" or "can't understand how lost and alone they feel." I've been there, done that, and I get it. But believe me when I say that there is no excuse to mistreat the nurse who is trying to help your family member. None. You're making it all about you and your pain rather than all about the family member who is sick or dying. Your pain, your fear, your helplessness. Your pain and fear are legitimate, but your need to punish someone else because you feel badly is not.

Not for one moment would you expect your dear family member to put up with the sort of garbage you regularly dish out to the nursing staff if we came to his or her place of work. Not for one moment would YOU expect to put up with the same sort of selfishness, rudeness or entitled behavior in YOUR place of work. So why do you think it's acceptable to lash out at the nurses?

I'm sorry I missed the original thread the first time around. I was busy having cancer treated.

[mrsboots87]

Not afraid of the response, and I welcome all replies. I am trying to assuage the feelings of the ones who said their feelings are hurt, by reminding them that my note is a work of creative writing. It is not addressed to any specific nurse on this forum. Many works of art are controversial, and I accept that this may not make all viewers feel better. Often a work of art is seen as an extension of the thoughts and beliefs of its creator. Whether or not that is true in this case, I will leave for readers to interpret.

Last response then im out. I understand creative writing and being ficticious and such, but if this was purely fictitious and not your personal opinion and internal response, then why defend the meaning of the response? Stop hiding behimd fiction and own up to this being your actual response. I have so much more I could say but I can tell by yoyr resoonses that you just aren't comprehending what exactly you did wrong and why what you "creatively" wrote was so disgustingly hurtful and not in line with what a good nurse should ever say. I feel you have picked the wrong career.

[Ruby Vee, BSN]

I quoted all of Esme's post intentionally because I feel equally angry. Reading the OP's post I felt nothing but disgust towards the OP. The OP is the person who should get out of nursing in my opinion. Who is the "innocent caregiver who is being abused?" The nurse's dearly loved family member is dying. The nurse's account of her experience with her family member did not equate to abusing a staff member.

To the male OP: It is really a shame that people like you go into nursing. I will do my best to protect my older relatives from nurses such as yourself.

It isn't necessary to call out the OP by gender -- or are you implying that males shouldn't go into nursing? I read the original thread, and the poster did indeed describe a family member who was abusive to the nursing staff. No matter how much you love your family member, losing them is not a license to abuse others. Nor is disagreeing with someone a good reason to shame the poster about going into nursing or state that you don't want your older relatives in her or his care. You don't know anything about the skill or competence of the original poster.

[morte, LPN, LVN]

as a work of creative writing, it doesn't have to be what a "good" nurse WOULD say, it is the feelings of "a" nurse on being abused by a family.

Last response then im out. I understand creative writing and being ficticious and such, but if this was purely fictitious and not your personal opinion and internal response, then why defend the meaning of the response? Stop hiding behimd fiction and own up to this being your actual response. I have so much more I could say but I can tell by yoyr resoonses that you just aren't comprehending what exactly you did wrong and why what you "creatively" wrote was so disgustingly hurtful and not in line with what a good nurse should ever say. I feel you have picked the wrong career.

[mrsboots87]

as a work of creative writing, it doesn't have to be what a "good" nurse WOULD say, it is the feelings of "a" nurse on being abused by a family.

I asumed that since we are on a nusring forum that peop, e wou, d have the resoect to portray themself as a good nurse (or future nurse). And creative writing with a less than agreeable , message is all fine and dandy as well. But, personally attacking someone who was sharing a heartfelt story of their fathers dying days by directly quoting them and then taking a response overboard, is where it went wrong. If this was truly meant to be fictional, and not a direct jab at the other articles OP, then the backstroy should have also been fictitious. There was no need to link the other article then quote it directly, then imply they are a nasty person who should essentially die to be creative. if OP just wanted a sensational hot topic article about an nurses feelings towards a nasty family member of a patient, then they could have used their "creativity" to make a fictional story all together.

As for if the op of the original article was abusive is up to interoretation. When they talked about how their fsther loved them them even when they were a bad person, I didn't take that as they were acting that way to the nurses. Only that they were explaining the true love of their father. Was she being overbearing? Probably. the ohone calls all the time and the jello are very demandind, but I failed to see where she mentioned accosting the nursing staff or calling them names, or getting in the way of care like a "worst nightmare" abusive patient would be. That was assumed by the OP before he "creatively" told her to get out of this world.

As a side note. My apologies for my terrible use of the english language. I am on a tablet and it is not easy to go back and edit errors.

[wooh, BSN, RN]

Not everyone here is a good nurse. Not everyone here (OBVIOUSLY) is even a nurse. But being a "good nurse" does not require allowing family members to abuse you. And venting to fellow nurses about being abused by family members, well that's something that helps one cope with the abuse. Someday when you graduate and have had a few family members make it ALL ABOUT THEM and not the patient you're trying to help, have them being passive aggressive or aggressive-aggressive, have them pitch a fit to you about jello because obviously you work in dietary with the giant "RN" on your nametag, don't dare come here and complain to fellow nurses about it. Because you'd better only portray yourself as what a holier than thou nursing student thinks is a "good nurse."

[LadyFree28, BSN, LPN, RN]

The OP wanted thoughts....OP has certainly got them!

[RNdynamic]

I'm just curious why you didn't create a fictitious story about a fictitious family member to prove your point.

It's hardly hypothetical or fictitious when you attach it to a REAL thread that was written from the heart by someone who was in REAL pain.

Shame on you.

If your trying to prove a point then write something original. I've read some heartless comments on this board. But this one takes the cake. To use someone else's personal pain as the basis to write your article and then claim they shouldn't take offense is just cruel and beyond inappropriate.

I just hope she doesn't see it...

I don't think it's offensive. They made a decision to publish their letter (which by the way they addressed very broadly to "floor nurses, ICU nurses, ED nurses) as an article. It wasn't a personal journal entry. Also, a lot of "floor nurses, ICU nurses, ED nurses" might be offended by the OP of that thread basically telling other nurses what to do and how they need to be handled.

[Esme12, ASN, BSN, RN]

The idea of this thread is a sort of hypothetical reply from a fictitious staff nurse to the "worst nightmare" depiction of the generic hell-raising family member causing immense grief to innocent employees and asking to be excused for highly irrational and hurtful behavior. You're yelling at me, when I'm utilizing a narrative voice of a nurse that doesn't actually exist. In literature, the "opposing response" is an intellectual reimagining of a situation, heard from the other side.

It is not meant at any nurse in particular. It is an intellectual reply to an author who published what we are calling an article on this website, utilizing a similar theme. It is not meant to be taken personally, certainly no more than the original article is supposed to be.

It is not hypothetical when you direct reference to that thread. It's personal. If it was hypothetical you would write a piece in similar format...however it would be to all of those anonymous families that drive us crazy....Dear Families...to those of who who hound and bully us...get a grip!

The problem with this...you referred directly to the personal heartbreak of that thread told her to get out of healthcare and to get out of life..... IMHO NO bueno.

[Esme12, ASN, BSN, RN]

Nurses are people too. They are subject to being frightened and confused by crazed adult children as well. Nurses, as human beings are vulnerable, can be driven to substance abuse, suicide, and other pitfalls of life. They have a right and responsibility to advocate for themselves. And the article to which this thread replies too, depicts, in my carefully considered opinion, a crazed person who freely admits to having sociopathic tendencies and will (quote) raise holy hell with dietary staff (read: other human beings, and complete strangers who have done nothing wrong) to get red colored jell O because they can't control anything. That is the individual to which the narrative voice of this thread is directed at.

If you wouldn't behave in these ways to perfect strangers on the street, why would you behave this way toward anyone else?

So you did mean it personal.

You know what...yes I would. I have behaved that way on the street. I once saw a woman back slap her toddler in a restaurant...hard....you're darn tooting I intervened. I just happen to be one of those people who would do something on that show....What would you do?...while others sat around watching. I don't watch...I DO something. I make a difference. I once got escorted out of a mall beasue I loudly announced that a particular pet store had sick puppies. They were vomiting and eating the vomit in the cages. They couldn't open their eyes for the goop in them. Those poor puppies were ILL. Very ill. Others stood there and whispered. I made noise. The owner got arrested and put in jail....and that sickening shop...closed. I made a difference.

Recently my daughter has been diagnosed with a thyroglossal duct cyst. She had had a painful lump in her throat for a little over a year. I was blown off by her pedi office and the Nurse practitioner who saw her regularly as being "one of those protective nurse Mom's and I need to stop thinging that something is wrong...after all it's just swollen glands" Really??? Well...it took a MD 30 seconds to diagnose her. You bettcha I let that pediatrician know of his staff's mistake or incompetence...take your pick.

While there are crazy families out there that can't be reasoned with... I don't see how a little compassion to their fear and their attempts at controlling a situation that is out of control. It isn't personal. I see how they can feel lost frightened and angry. They can't be made at God...well...just because they can't ...for maybe he won't her their prayers if they make God angry. They can't be mad at the MD becasue well...he's God and if they make the doctor mad maybe he won't make their loved one better. Who can they get mad at...the one person who makes it safe for he/she won't judge and will still help my loved one...because that is what they do. The nurse. I don't take it personal. I try to see how I can make them feel safe so I can help them change their behavior.

You aren't just treating the patient you are treating the whole family. Families feel helpless they need to feel they are doing SOMETHING...ANY THING...to help thier loved one.

Compassion. Empathy. Caring. Tolerance. That is also the function of a nurse. It isn't all about you..it's but the patient. Plain and simple.

I am NOT a martyr. TRUST me I am not a doormat. I have NO PROBLEM telling someone where to get off the train. But you start telling people to

Get out of nursing. Get out of healthcare. Get out of this world.

I put my foot down.

[Esme12, ASN, BSN, RN]

This time, I would like to offer hugs to you Esme. I hope in the same situation, I would act as you did. You were acting out of best interest for a loved one. No one should judge that. In fact, I'm sure you were probably bang on.

Thanks....

I was bang on...that MD I knew for 20 years still has yet to face me. He knows he was wrong as well. All I wanted at the time was a...I'm so sorry for your loss. He sent another MD I knew equally well...not on the "case" to face me because he was a coward and he KNEW he was wrong. Would that have changed to ultimate outcome...no...but that MD's silence is an admission of guilt that he KNOWS. Brilliant MD...he really is...he listens to his patients and families...this time...in his effort to tell me I was too close to be objective he clouded his vision...after all my father was 80.

Sometimes we are too quick to judge people as to what WE feel they should be. When in reality that isn't the case at all.

[Esme12, ASN, BSN, RN]

Without addressing that this was a response to a real situation (although I'm not sure if the OP is aware of it)....

I recently had a patient with a distraught, overbearing family in denial of the pt's very poor prognosis. The pt was still alert and oriented, though extremely fatigued. The wife was constantly messing with the patient's pillow and bed sheets, the adult son would yell at his mom in frustration that she wouldn't "leave him alone," the adult daughter had a constant flow of tears at the bedside, and even the teenage grandchildren were getting in my face about why I wasn't making the patient eat.

Through all this, the patient would weakly wave his hand for his wife to leave him alone, for his son to shut up, for his daughter to stop crying, for his grand kids to stop berating me. I recognized he was TIRED, and all these grief-stricken family members were causing him more harm than good. They just weren't leaving him be, and they were making him angry.

I finally had to make up a reason to get the family to leave the bedside, and I asked the patient, "Do you need some rest? Do you want them out of the room for a couple of hours?" He said yes. I did manage to get them to go home, using the "You can't take care of him if you're exhausted" line. He fell asleep within minutes of their leaving!

All this is to say that family "advocating" for the patient is sometimes taken to an extreme, and the patient ends up suffering.

But you engaged the famly in how to best care for their loved one...go home...get some rest...he needs you strong. You gave them a purpose in a kind and professional manner. Appropriate intervention. There is no wrong in that.