400 pound diabetic friend in denial

[Blackcat99]

My friend is 64 years old and must weighs 400 pounds or more. She is diabetic.She can barely walk a few steps before she has to sit down . I told her if she doesn't lose weight she will die. I told her about my success in losing 120 pounds with overeaters anonymous and still nothing helps. Every single suggestion I make is always met with resistance. I don't want my friend to die. Any suggestions on what I can say before she eats herself to death would be greatly appreciated. Thanks;)

[TheCommuter, BSN, RN]

My father is a type I diabetic with hepatitis C liver damage and, while he's not overweight by any means, he continues to do self-destructive stuff to his body. His diabetes is poorly controlled, he smokes 1 pack of cigarettes daily, drinks heavily, and basically eats what he wants. I told him the consequences of his choices, including stroke, hemodialysis, cirrhosis, blindness, neuropathies, etc. He simply says, "Okay."

I did my part by warning my father of what is to come. He has already developed HTN, and his doctor says it is from the years of cigarette smoking. You cannot waste your time and energy attempting to help a grown person who is not ready to make a change. That might have sounded harsh, but it is reality. I know you truly care about your friend, but you cannot expend your energy helping her if she is not taking steps to help her own dire situation. Good luck to you and her.

[bigsyis]

First, even though you are so concerned for your friend, SHE must make the decision to do something about her weight. It is not a matter of willpower, or she would not have been able to lose the 150 lbs with Overeater's Anonymous.

To help her, get on the Internet and research education centers and providers of Bariatric Surgery in your area, print it, put it in a nice folder or notebook, and take it to her. Let her read and become educated (or not), as she chooses. You have done your best, and you must respect her right to choose if, how, and when she will lose the weight.

Best of luck!

[llg, PhD, RN]

I agree that your ability to persuade your friend to change her lifestyle is probably very limited. However, perhaps if instead of telling her what to do, you would ask her why she doesn't do what she's been told to do, she might tell you why. Then you could help her overcome those obstacles.

I suspect she knows what will probably happen to her health over the next few years and she is overwhelmed and afraid. She may fear it is too late to change and that change now would be useless. She may be so afraid of failure that she is too paralyzed to try. She may feel so helpless and hopeless that she can't muster the strength to "pull herself up." If that's the case, then harassing her about changing will only make her feel worse and less likely to act. She may need you to build her up and help her feel good enough about herself to take a few small steps in the right direction.... then a few more ... then a few more.

Good luck.

[leslie :-D]

often but sadly, it will take a medical crisis before one is willing to change.

i know it's hard to stand by and watch.

but as others have said, only she can make the decisions necessary.

hopefully, she won't find out the hard way.

leslie

[ArizonaMark]

"YOU CAN LEAD A HORSE TO WATER, BUT YOU CAN'T MAKE IT DRINK!"

I know I have converted quite a few friends, acquaintences to a healthier lifestyle, not through judgemental comments couched in "I'm only saying this for your sake..." statements , but through their stomachs :)..

Nothing better than a hearty whole wheat pasta dish, covered in steamed veggies, with a touch of olive oil and light sprinkle of garlic salt to win over a new convert, LOL!! IMHO :smilecoffeecup:

Mark

[clee1]

Sorry, but I'm going to be blunt:

At 64, 400 lbs., and diabetic, the bulk of the damage has already been done - the consequences are soon to be due, and she is experiencing the beginning of the "bad" stuff now. At her age and with her condition, any changes she makes will probably be too little too late. Added to the problems you mentioned are probably HTN, CAD, PVD, poor EF, and the rest of the cardiac problems.

Your friend will not change unless she wants to. You only add to your own stress and HER anxiety by constantly attempting to convince her to change. People are going to do what they are going to do - you can do NOTHING to force them to change.

Again, sorry to be so blunt, but I have seen this pattern way too often. I recently had a patient that weighed in excess of 570 lbs and also diabetic. She could not bear her own weight, had to be lifted and moved by a crane, and her fat rolls were smothering her. Still, she hollered for food we could not bring her (against her diet orders), and had her family bring in chocolate chip cookies by the case. ESRD, COPD, etc. etc. I asked her MD what did he think we were able to do for her, and who was he trying to kid with a 1200 ADA diet? We sent her home on hospice with a crane, an industrial sized bed, BSC, and gerichair.

I too have a friend that is very overweight; I have tried to convince her to change her lifestyle before it is too late. The only thing my efforts accomplished was to strain our relationship, and her sons are my God-sons! I am content now to be her friend; not her second conscience.

[Tweety, BSN, RN]

Perhaps you would benefit from some program such a Al-Anon, or perhaps get some readings and substitute overeating for alcoholism. There is nothing you can do and you have to 'detach with love". It's her battle, and sad as it is you can't fix it. She knows you're there for her and continue to let her know that, then let it go.

[locolorenzo22, BSN, RN]

There's not much you can do with that situation....just know that everyone passes someday, and her day may be coming sooner than anyone can admit(including her)....

[meant4me2]

Unfortunately ive watched the ones with emphysema smoke cigarettes with greater frequency..or the now type II diabetic explain their new diagnosis w/o understanding what may have helped them get there..and no plan to modify diet!!

Family members who could not wait to get their hands on chinese food or cheese steak after major heart surgery. And when asked why the choice..it was like because I can.

Sad indeed... The same behavior that gets them there will usually keep them there even after drastic measures.

[MsLady06]

Everyone has been telling me fore yrs to loose weight and just telling someone is not going to help. When reality sets in and you have a near death experience..sometimes thats what wakes a person up. Being over weight is not good and sorry to say it does not look good. I was blessed not to have diabetes and other health issues. Maybe she needs to look at some real life success stories. Losing weight is very hard and its just like telling a drug addict to quit drugs...the possibilty of them doing it is very low. I know you want to save your friend but she has to want to loose weight...you can talk to her until she blue in the face but she has got to want to do it. She must incorporate a better eating habit and try and walk 15 minutes a day.

[KyPinkRN]

it can be hard to watch someone you love self-destruct... my brother-in-law comes from a long line of alcoholics (both his mother and father). despite watching his father die from liver cancer/cirrhosis less than a year ago he still insists on drinking every weekend (even though the next morning he is very sick). its hard to understand why he would want to do something to his body that makes him so sick every saturday morning. there is definitely some psychological connection to alcohol for him that he feels he can't live without. this is also true for overeaters... they eat to feel something. while you can't do anything to change that person's feelings you can be supportive to them. be there to talk, keep the door open for that person to communicate her feelings to you. this person will not see you as supportive if you are always badgering them to loose weight... and however nicely you put it they will probably see it that way. tell her that you respect her and value your friendship and that you will do anything you can to help her get help if that's what she wants. if she feels that she has your support she may have hope that she can actually loose the weight and save her own life. lift her up with your friendship, and above all pray for her to have the strength to fight this battle...